Improving a r/s with a borderline partner

[FallBack!Monster]

Hmm.
In 2013, while still in college, I was reading about PDs for a psych class (required for graduation). Anyway, professor wanted us to focus on bipolar disorder bc the test was going to include lots of Q on the topic. I now remember I stumble upon BPD. I don't recall much of the reading but I remember saying dam* if you do dam* if you dont. 
So today I'm wondering if there is such thing as improving a r/s with a borderline partner. Maybe communication, understanding their actions, improving your life while still dealing with/a borderline person. I can see these things.
Im not trying to be a dream killer. I just dont see where any of us can help them be comfortable at all in their own skin. How we can help them in any way? The only obvious matter to me is how helpless it can make us feel to not be able to help our loved one. Also how vulnerable we become only bc we care. How no matter the sacrifice one chooses to make for their borderline loved one, it seems the worse we make them feel about themselves.
The more you love and support this person, the less he or she thinks of you and the more they want to hurt you.  Consequently, all that creates more shame, blames you, wants to hurt/punish you more,  and ultimately continue finding more creative ways of punishing themselves.
Is there such thing as improvement when dealing with a borderline partner? Im curious to read the replies. I hope someone does.
 Respecfully... .Thanks

[cj488]

There is actually another board for this question: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, there is a board for improving a r/s.

That might be a better place to ask this question unless you are wanting the perspective of people that finally gave up. I can list all sorts of things that I tried before I gave up.

The more you love and support this person, the less he or she thinks of you and the more they want to hurt you.  Consequently, all that creates more shame, blames you, wants to hurt/punish you more,  and ultimately continue finding more creative ways of punishing themselves.

This was my experience. Ex even told me that one time. I asked him what more did I have to do for him to be happy. What more did I have to do to get him to check into the family? When he was chasing other women, I asked him what did they have that I didn't? I loved you so much and I tried to prove that to you every friggin' day. He pretty much said, "How could I let you love me when I didn't love myself? You loved me so much yet I didn't feel like I deserved it."

In between the times when he is acting like I am being horrible, he will say that he doesn't understand how I am still able to be so nice to him.

[FallBack!Monster]

Yes, there is a board for improving a r/s.

That might be a better place to ask this question unless you are wanting the perspective of people that finally gave up. I can list all sorts of things that I tried before I gave up.

This was my experience. Ex even told me that one time. I asked him what more did I have to do for him to be happy. What more did I have to do to get him to check into the family? When he was chasing other women, I asked him what did they have that I didn't? I loved you so much and I tried to prove that to you every friggin' day. He pretty much said, "How could I let you love me when I didn't love myself? You loved me so much yet I didn't feel like I deserved it."

In between the times when he is acting like I am being horrible, he will say that he doesn't understand how I am still able to be so nice to him.

Out the door I'll like to say I didn't think this question would make any sense on the improving board; title nor topic. Which is why I asked here.
Thanks for replying.
My ex would say similar things.  Like if you know these things about me why you stay with me?
Ans: at your age, no one with a stable sense of self would do that to herself.

If I gave her a compliment, she wouldn't believe me.  If I told her the truth, it was always used against me. When I stopped talking, she would say I'm just tired of all these lies. What lies? Obviously I didn't have to lie to be accessed of it. I didnt lie. I just stopped telling my story.

[talks to angels]

Vortex, yes that was my experience.
I think you cant, because they are wired to self destruct. Even if you literally say nothing , than they feel you dont care, so push you away. If you say anything ... .they push you away.  They will never let you feel secure. Even if you know from the beginning that they have this disorder it is a loose/loose situation. All BPD's are narcissists. The Narcissism in them alone will destroy it.

[FallenOne]

All BPD's are narcissists. The Narcissism in them alone will destroy it.

I disagree with this. I don't believe all BPD's are full-fledged narcissists. Mine had some narcissistic traits, but she did not fit the bill completely.

[Pretty Woman]

I think you can implement whatever skills you want and they still follow their patterns. Without help, intense help and DBT therapy they never get better.

My ex dated a Psychologist before me, someone skilled in dealing with individuals with emotional/mental disorders. I like to think she was better equipt than me and she still failed. She was smeared, called a rapist, you name it. All the things my ex did to me at the end she did to this person who works in the field.

So I think you can benefit from bettering your communication skills but with a BPD it's fruitless.

[vortex of confusion]

So I think you can benefit from bettering your communication skills but with a BPD it's fruitless.

That is where I experienced a lot of frustration and that is part of what led me to finding this site.

I had been on a discussion forum dealing with ways to improve a relationship. I knew about validation. I knew about not nitpicking. I read about meeting your partner where he is. I did a lot of lengthy research. I read the book about love languages and asked ex to read it too. We had a lengthy discussion about our love languages and ways we could implement those ideas to help us connect. He went through the motions and changed nothing. He would go through the motions and nothing would change. He blew just enough smoke up my butt to keep me in a fog.

I tried to implement all of these things and it felt like nothing worked to get ex to check into the relationship and change how he related to me and the kids. It was all about him and his excuses. It was all about how he felt and what he wanted. When I pushed for change, things devolved quickly. The only way I could have made it work was to say nothing about anything and listen to him and coddle him and put him at the center of attention. The only way I could have made it work was to put all of my needs aside and focus on him.

When I found this site, I had hopes that I could make it work. So much of what I read made so much sense. It explained so many things about why all of the things that would have worked with a normal person didn't work with ex. I recall when ex and I had opened things up and I was talking to other guys. I spent most of my time asking other guys how to get ex interested. "From a guy's perspective, what are things that women commonly do to annoy men? Help me! I must be really screwing up somewhere to be where I am. I love my husband and I want to let him know that and get him to be a part of the family." They would give me suggestions and I would tell them the stuff that I had tried. I will never forget the reaction of some of the people that I talked to during that mess. "What? You have done THAT and your husband still isn't responding? Honey, there is nothing wrong with you other than the fact that you are still with him. You are too nice to him." Those weren't the exact words. I heard stuff like that too many times too count and I couldn't hear it because I wanted to think that there was something that I could do to improve the relationship.

This site was my last ditch effort to make things work. Ex didn't want to go to counseling and he didn't seem too interested in doing anything that required any kind of real change or any kind of real work on his end. Instead of turning towards me, he turned towards other women and a fantasy world. Now, he tries to excuse it all with stuff about his sex addiction, his mother, and all sorts of other crap. I wasn't asking him to be perfect. I was asking him to be real. That was NOT possible for him.

[Kaster21]

I disagree with this. I don't believe all BPD's are full-fledged narcissists. Mine had some narcissistic traits, but she did not fit the bill completely.

They are narcissistic in their needs and what they want so that basically makes them a narcissists because they will do anything to have those needs met and they don't care who they hurt in the process of getting those needs met. So believe me when I say becuase I've been with 3 of them and they were all very similar in their behavior. They all have one thing in common they are all super selfish and it will always be all about them!