Blew a gasket

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I couldn't take the BS so I just unloaded. I couldn't stop. It just poured out of, or rather ran out of me like hot lava out of an erupting volcano.

My biggest struggle is being treated unfairly. It is what just drives me insane in dealing with my GF. Nothing is her fault. She runs a pity party, but isn't a victim. She is better at everything, except admitting fault.

She said if she did something that upset me to tell her nicely. So I did. On the phone yesterday on the way to work. I told her I had concerns she was training her ex improperly, and that he would run over her if she didn't establish some simple boundaries with him. I said, if everytime he barks at you, you jump, what have you taught him?

She didn't want to hear it so I ended the conversation in a nice way. Said I could see it wasn't going to be productive to continue it. And that I wasn't mad.

I called her last night on the way home from work. Asked if she was coming over. Nope. Had to be the Ex's admin. I didn't say anything. I sent her a message saying I missed her. She made some comment about it. I don't remember how, but she said something in a message that just didn't set well with me, so I said, its nice to know as the man you love that I come behind your ex.

That led to an unproductive phone call. I messaged her last night I was not happy her ex was messing up my love life. Nothing.

Then she starts in the am. 4 nice messages, which I didn't read fast enough at work, and then here comes the tirade. Blocked messenger. So I deleted it off my phone. I am not using it anymore. Then to hangouts, and email. I sent her an email back that was nice enough, but told her very concisely what my problem was, which is I don't feel heard.  I said it makes me feel unloved, and it scares me because it makes me think we have no future because nothing gets resolved.

She didn't answer that. Comes back on hangouts and starts in on how I make all these empty promises. Laid her pity party on me again. I said, thanks for clarifying. I know where I fit now. You don't want to do anything, you want to stay the same. I want more. I want to be heard.

So she says, there you go with the break up thing again. I said where does it say that. She started some of her BS about how I need meds and therapy and I was like, F this, I logged onto it on my PC and used the keyboard, and buried her. I was typing and sending so fast, she couldn't even read it. It was like a machine gun. Try to keep up on your phone sweetie.   

I am ashamed to admit it, but it felt really good. Really good.

I freaking hate being held to a standard by her that she can't meet herself. I even told her one time, after she told me life isn't fair and I needed to get over it, that I felt like in a loving committed relationship, I should be able to count on fairness.

I know I handled so much if this wrong. I said as much to her. No admission from her what so ever she did anything wrong. Never is. It's all me. Even if I say its all my fault, that isn't good enough.

Looks like a deer hunt all weekend kind of weekend, instead of a go on a date and have a nice time with my GF weekend. At least when deer season is over I have a rental house I need to rehab to keep me busy. And there is always Zoosk or some other site.

[Lockjaw]

I couldn't take the BS so I just unloaded. I couldn't stop. It just poured out of, or rather ran out of me like hot lava out of an erupting volcano.

My biggest struggle is being treated unfairly. It is what just drives me insane in dealing with my GF. Nothing is her fault. She runs a pity party, but isn't a victim. She is better at everything, except admitting fault.

She said if she did something that upset me to tell her nicely. So I did. On the phone yesterday on the way to work. I told her I had concerns she was training her ex improperly, and that he would run over her if she didn't establish some simple boundaries with him. I said, if everytime he barks at you, you jump, what have you taught him?

She didn't want to hear it so I ended the conversation in a nice way. Said I could see it wasn't going to be productive to continue it. And that I wasn't mad.

I called her last night on the way home from work. Asked if she was coming over. Nope. Had to be the Ex's admin. I didn't say anything. I sent her a message saying I missed her. She made some comment about it. I don't remember how, but she said something in a message that just didn't set well with me, so I said, its nice to know as the man you love that I come behind your ex.

That led to an unproductive phone call. I messaged her last night I was not happy her ex was messing up my love life. Nothing.

Then she starts in the am. 4 nice messages, which I didn't read fast enough at work, and then here comes the tirade. Blocked messenger. So I deleted it off my phone. I am not using it anymore. Then to hangouts, and email. I sent her an email back that was nice enough, but told her very concisely what my problem was, which is I don't feel heard.  I said it makes me feel unloved, and it scares me because it makes me think we have no future because nothing gets resolved.

She didn't answer that. Comes back on hangouts and starts in on how I make all these empty promises. Laid her pity party on me again. I said, thanks for clarifying. I know where I fit now. You don't want to do anything, you want to stay the same. I want more. I want to be heard.

So she says, there you go with the break up thing again. I said where does it say that. She started some of her BS about how I need meds and therapy and I was like, F this, I logged onto it on my PC and used the keyboard, and buried her. I was typing and sending so fast, she couldn't even read it. It was like a machine gun. Try to keep up on your phone sweetie.   

I am ashamed to admit it, but it felt really good. Really good.

I freaking hate being held to a standard by her that she can't meet herself. I even told her one time, after she told me life isn't fair and I needed to get over it, that I felt like in a loving committed relationship, I should be able to count on fairness.

I know I handled so much if this wrong. I said as much to her. No admission from her what so ever she did anything wrong. Never is. It's all me. Even if I say its all my fault, that isn't good enough.

Looks like a deer hunt all weekend kind of weekend, instead of a go on a date and have a nice time with my GF weekend. At least when deer season is over I have a rental house I need to rehab to keep me busy. And there is always Zoosk or some other site.

[flourdust]

One way to reduce conflict is to keep in mind what's my side of the street and what's her side of the street. This goes against the nature of co-dependency, as those of us who have fixer tendencies love to find opportunities to help, whether or not it's requested or welcome.

I gather that her relationship with her ex bugs you, and you quite possibly see real issues there ... .but is that your side of the street or hers?

[Lockjaw]

No its not my side of the street. I asked if I could tell her my thoughts. I didn't just say, "What you need to do is... ."

I realize that doesn't change it. I realized it and ended that conversation.

Of course she can comment on my ex though. That's ok. That's her side of the street. So there is her side of the street, and her side of the street when she has an opinion, and its the same when I have one. So I don't voice them very much anymore, and I always ask.

I don't have my side. Both are hers. One way too. Her way. 

[flourdust]

Of course she can comment on my ex though. That's ok. That's her side of the street. So there is her side of the street, and her side of the street when she has an opinion, and its the same when I have one. So I don't voice them very much anymore, and I always ask.

Granted. You aren't going to get parity in this kind of relationship. You can try to deflect her from your side of the street with boundaries, if it's important to you, and you can control yourself to stay off her side.

[Grey Kitty]

She said if she did something that upset me to tell her nicely. So I did. On the phone yesterday on the way to work. I told her I had concerns she was training her ex improperly, and that he would run over her if she didn't establish some simple boundaries with him. I said, if everytime he barks at you, you jump, what have you taught him?

You have to take a lot of things she says with a grain of salt, and this was one of them.

What she asked for is "the right thing to do" in a normal relationship. She probably thinks she should have one, and thinks she can do all the right things in a relationship (... .if only you did your part... .  )

Use the tools and think before you open your mouth, instead.

In this case, I suggest you accept that she has a messed up and enmeshed r/s with her ex. And you cannot fix that for her. Besides, it really isn't your business anyways!

Please understand that your "good advice" to her on how to deal with that is probably taken as invalidating by her, and sets her off.

Not that the advice you offered was bad--just that she's not able to hear it.

[Lockjaw]

There is no way to tell her. There is no acceptable way.

Even when I ask her if she wants it, or to hear it, it doesn't matter.

I really ought to move on. I really should. She will never hear me. She will never treat me with fairness. She will always act like I'm the problem. I could stand there and take everything nasty she says, throw rose petals on the floor and proclaim my love for her, and it would be wrong.

[Five28]

I think it's healthy to blow your top now and again. Kind of like a volcano. Once the magma reaches the surface it needs to come out. To hold it in would be unhealthy. Might not sit well with a BPD girlfriend but so what. We take so much of their crap it feels good to give them a taste.

[Notwendy]

This is the start of the drama ( after you commented on her behavior with her ex)

It's nice to know as the man you love that I come behind your ex.

This is "victim speak". You hurt me. Makes her the persecutor. Hello drama triangle.

Not that it is wrong to express an issue that is bothering you, but it can be triggering to say it this way, and it is less effective. You do have a right to express your needs, but there are more effective ways.

In my co-dependency groups, we learned to express our needs from our perspective, avoiding the word "you" as much as possible.

I am not sure about the situation with the ex. If they have children together then the ex is in her life no matter what.  If she has poor boundaries with him, that is her issue- her side of the street to deal with. We need to stay on our side of the street.

What is the issue here? Some of this is a fear of something in the future. That will get us all the time. You were speaking out of fear- if you don't train your ex he will run all over you.

But that is her problem to solve if it happens. You both have your time together, and your time apart. You want your time to shoot deer. She may not like it that you are shooting the deer, but it's your thing and not her place to decide what you want to do. In her spare time, she has her things to do. She also has her flaws- poor boundaries, but you can't control her.

I hear what you want, you don't want to share your time with her with the ex. She may not want to share time with deer hunting ,but you each have your things to do.

So, I get the feelings. You might be jealous, or concerned that something might happen with them, or a number of things. But your boundaries are this:

"I want my scheduled time with you, and unless there is an emergency- maybe a kid gets a cold, then I really want my time with you. ( and if child isn't feeling well, the date can be a TV date with child in bed)."

Ex's needs do not interfere with dates.

So you say to her " I really value my interrupted time with you and would like to stick to our scheduled date".

Note- no victim here, no persecutor here.

She then has the choice. If she says " I need to see my ex" then- your boundary is what to do about that.

I also don't think it is a bad thing that you blew your top. You didn't get violent. She may sulk, go NC for a bit- who knows. But you have boundaries- and that is a good thing.

There's a lot of chemistry between you two. She seems high functioning. I think that with some help learning how to express your needs with less drama- the conflict might diminish. She'll still have BPD and the boundary issues, but with less drama, perhaps your time together could be less conflicted. But you're going to have to own your side of the street in this- and take charge of how you communicate. Resources could include counseling, or a 12 step co-dependency program. Even if you think it isn't that bad, maybe some instruction could make things better on your part?

[Lockjaw]

Yes we have chemistry. Interesting book I found and bought last week. Author, whose life is a lot like mine in that he seemed to end up with the same kind of woman, and was codependent, theorizes that codependents are magnetically attracted to people he clasifies as "emotional manipulators". He uses that to encompass NPD, BPD, Anti-social, and addictive, in that it could be an emotional addiction.

He says that is a very powerful attraction. What he described is exactly like what I have.

I did get her to agree to go to some "couples" counseling. I am hoping this person can start telling her things that I can't seem to get across.

Yes she has no boundaries with her ex. All I wanted her to see is if you always jump when he barks, he is always going to bark. If you are his admin, he will keep dumping stuff on you. It overwhelms her. I get it is her issue to solve. I can't. I told her as much.

What is funny is what you mentioned about time. She was unhappy this am because I scheduled my counselor meeting for 4. Neither of us has kids tonight. She referred to it as "her" time. She has said things like that before too. Stuff like that upsets me. I would be working til 5 anyway, so why does it matter?

She wanted me to get some kind of planner thing for Xmas. That is what she wanted me to get her. And put it up at my house. I was like, yeah, but what kind? I needed more data, ya know? So this am, she was talking about it again on the phone here at work, so I logged on to amazon and bought a bigger calendar to  hang up on the wall. When I mentioned that, they she was not happy I didn't include her in looking for it.

So... .this is my life with her. She wants me to do something, and in this case, never said it was something she wanted us to do together, and yet, I am essentially "in trouble" because I did it on my own.

Of course she would come back and say I wasn't in trouble, but that's how I felt. That is how what she said came across. Which is of course, my fault too. That's just where my head goes.

This is what I get upset about a lot of the time. It's how its worded. And I said, we need to take a listening class. That would solve a bunch of this.

So I am hopeful the counselor will be able to help with some of that, and also deal with some of the larger issues I have with her that I can't get traction on.