pwBPD ... do they forget? )(+need help with pwBPD MIL)

[TDeer]

My MIL pwBPD was in the hiding / distant phase from my husband (her son).

They saw each other on Christmas, but we're still recovering on his side of the family from the pre-wedding drama in August. It's moving at baby steps / glacial pace. I've been NC / LC with her.

Currently, my pwBPD MIL has sent things that show that she's trying her best not to acknowledge that I exist / that her son is married.
(sending just him a Christmas card, sending just him a thank you note for Christmas although I sent her and her husband each gifts as well)

I've sent her a thank you card, plus a letter explaining some of my feelings (very recently - perhaps too recent to get any info), which I had my husband look over first before sending, as small olive branches.

Lately, my husband has said that his mother has not acted warmly towards him and that she's been almost in hiding. He says this is consistent with how things went after his sister got married and it's consistent with splitting.

My therapist has explained that my pwBPD MIL must have idealized me greatly as the perfect daughter and then when I enforced a boundary (rightfully so), then she split on me.

Then the past couple of weeks she did call him (her son) off and on. He didn't call her back until yesterday. He says she sounded like her old self, very normal, lively, etc, and that they had a fun conversation. He was happy about that part, but he acknowledged that it still messed with his mind. The fact that she changes from one state of mind to another is strange.


That makes me angry. It's not so much that fact that he was able to speak to his mother, but that she still isn't exercising the capacity to even acknowledge me. How do you deal with the anger, but keep it from hurting your spouse?

It also makes me mad that my husband doesn't understand my anger at him having a conversation that was normal with his mom. I also made sure he understood that that is secondary to the fact that I'm happy for him to have one instance of normal in his life when it comes to her, but that I do in fact have mixed feelings in this situation.

It's not that they should have talked about me for their whole conversation or anything, but it's frustrating and confusing not to be acknowledged or to have the ongoing conflict acknowledged. That's just not normal, and I realize that this is BPD-related, which falls outside of normal in the first place, but it's still uncomfortable.

I don't blame him for wanting to have one regular conversation with his mother for once. I get that. I'm not exactly mad at her for wanting to have a conversation with her son either, but I'm angry. I'm also uncomfortable. I don't understand what "game" we're in at the moment.

I'm also trying not to make things any worse. Not even a little, so I know it's of paramount importance for me to deal with my own feelings in a healthy way.

How do you deal with that anger from such strange situations? She calls him finally and then he finally calls her back after a while, but then she seems normal then? I think I'm angry because she's not acknowledging me still, but I'm not even fully sure if that's it. Can anyone relate? I've sent a thank you card... .you think she could at least acknowledge that to her son? (Normal, healthy people would)

I realize that's probably her intention, if she says nothing, then it means that she is in fact trying to snub me still.

But then he says she sounded normal on the phone, even if that means that this is due to the fact that she was emotional and splitting before. So... .she just feels better now?

Or is she trying to get my attention indirectly?

Does it matter?


I think maybe it just gives me more information. The information it gives me is perhaps

a.) she's moved on enough to talk to her own son
b.) she thinks that she's going to annoy me by not mentioning me to her son
c.) she got the thank you note, but is still mad and I'm still "painted black"?
d.) she's ignoring my efforts to send olive branches, but that's ok (not really, but sort of) since it's really a gesture of love to my husband when I reach out to his FOO


What do you think? I think perhaps I just need more information.


I did send a letter on Monday to her (postal mail) so she should either have gotten it by now or be getting it soon.


My own mother (non BPD) suggested that I do absolutely nothing at all to try to make the situation better, because then at least I can't make it worse. However, my husband and I both feel that we should at least try to make things better with his pwBPD mother since we know we have to be the leader to the person with BPD.


I know that my trying to reach out to make a workable in-law relationship with my pwBPD MIL is important to my husband. I realize that at the end of the day, that that is most important. I do need emotional / mental support to keep this moving though.


Any insights and/or questions to make me think this through appropriately would be greatly appreciated.


I'm sorry for the super lengthy discourse, but it's the only way I tend to be able to explain all of this in a way that makes any sense and gives the needed context.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey TDeer:

That makes me angry. It's not so much that fact that he was able to speak to his mother, but that she still isn't exercising the capacity to even acknowledge me. How do you deal with the anger, but keep it from hurting your spouse?

It also makes me mad that my husband doesn't understand my anger at him having a conversation that was normal with his mom. I also made sure he understood that that is secondary to the fact that I'm happy for him to have one instance of normal in his life when it comes to her, but that I do in fact have mixed feelings in this situation.

I can hear that you are angry and frustrated with your MIL.  Your expectations could be reasonable for someone without BPD.  You may need to RADICAL ACCEPT  that you MIL will never validate you, and may always take some joy in an opportunity to invalidate you.

How your MIL behaves, will never be normal.  You can't change her.  You do have control over how you react to her. Things will rarely make sense with your MIL and her behavior.  Don't waste energy in getting upset that she has a normal conversation with her son.  Why does that bother you so much? Most of us have to learn to accept that not everyone will like us.

pwBPDs tend to like emotional reactions from others. One choice is to just let your husband interact with his mom. Stay out of as many interactions as possible with your MIL.   From your perspective: don't argue with her, don't have an opinion, don't expect anything from her, just be neutral and reserved. 

Do you have some things you have used in the past to manage anger?  Perhaps some exercise, mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, etc.?  Some people use music and have a playlist they go to when they need to vent.

[TDeer]

I'm not sure it's enough to just listen to music or do something fun / distracting to deal with this particular anger. At least not yet. I haven't reached that spot yet I don't think and I'm not totally sure how to get there.

Those strategies will help in the short term I guess and perhaps help me get to long term, but I've had an issue with that type of unresolved anger towards my pwBPD MIL spilling out because I try to explain it to my husband and he doesn't often get it right away.

I've come a long way from where I was, and I'm often calm and clear headed enough to express myself and ask for help, and I'm currently in therapy, but this isn't exactly easy. In many ways, as much as I've learned about BPD I still have even more to learn - especially when it comes to trying to get along vs. just not lose my cool.


I have to be able to learn this, how to let the anger go, but it's taking time to learn to not stuff it and then get into an argument because I tried to explain it and/or get my husband to understand. I don't fault him. It's not his fault and he's doing his best with the cards he's been dealt.


Thank you very much for your replies. I'll keep working on the acceptance part.

[Naughty Nibbler]

TDear:   

  Ten anger styles are referenced below.  Which anger style would apply to your situation with your MIL?  If you can't pinpoint one, can you narrow it down to a couple of possible styles?

There are ten anger styles:
Anger Avoidance: These people don't like anger much. Some are afraid of their anger, or the anger of others. . .
Sneaky Anger: Anger Sneaks never let others know they are angry. Sometimes, they don't even know how angry they are. But the anger comes out in other forms . . .

Paranoid Anger: This type of anger occurs when someone feels irrationally threatened by others. They seek aggression everywhere. They believe people want to take what is theirs. . .

Sudden Anger: People with sudden anger are like thunderstorms on a summer day. They zoom in from nowhere, blast everything in sight, and then vanish. . .

Shame-Based Anger: People who need a lot of attention or are very sensitive to criticism often develop this style of anger. The slightest criticism sets off their own shame. Unfortunately, they don't like themselves very much. . .

Deliberate Anger: This anger is planned. People who use this anger usually know what they are doing. They aren't really emotional about their anger, at least not at first. They like controlling others, and the best way they've discovered to do that is with anger. . .

Addictive Anger: Some people want or need the strong feelings that come with anger. They like the intensity even if they don't like the trouble their anger causes them. . .

Habitual Anger: Anger can become a bad habit. Habitually angry people find themselves getting angry often, usually about small things that don't bother others. They wake up grumpy. . .

Moral Anger: Some people think they have a right to be angry when others have broken a rule. That makes the offenders bad, evil, wicked, sinful. They have to be scolded, maybe punished. People with this anger style feel outraged about what bad people are doing. . .

Hate: Hate is a hardened anger. It is a nasty anger style that happens when someone decides that at least one other person is totally evil or bad. Forgiving the other person seems impossible. Instead, the hater vows to despise the offender. Hate starts as anger that doesn't get resovled. . .

The complete thread containing the information above can be found at
ANGER MANAGEMENT

Here is an excerpt from another article on anger

Clean expressions of anger are non-judgmental. One expresses one's anger in a direct straightforward manner, without blaming or attacking the other. A clean expression of anger "reflects the understanding that others do not cause our feelings". Taking ownership of one's anger in this way is also empowering. Clean expressions of anger can clear the way for caring attention to the other.

The complete article for the excerpt above can be found at: ANGER & HEALING

"Neurologists claim that every time you resist acting on your anger, you are actually rewiring your brain to be calmer and more loving."