Awake but Struggling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Recently (8months ago) my partner announced we were finished. I accepted it in the end as the last few years hadn't been our best but were generally still normal in every respect. We have 2 young teenage boys and I wasn't going to cope being in the same house - so moved out. Without hindsight that was the beginning. She accepted everything I did (pay bills, get the kids to sport, etc) but did nothing to help me start the process of finishing.

I wasn't in a good place, and despite 23 years of being together, she just didn't seem to care - not answering emails, or changing her position from one day to the next. My future was being drawn out, but why? She wanted to finish it.

After a month a friend told me she had an affair a year before. To a man who was engaged to be married and the antipathy of what she said she was looking for. I was gutted - absolutely. I had been asked in the month prior and said no - there was no-one else involved - that is not in her.

I confronted her and insisted she leave the house and I have time with the boys. She denied the affair and then downplayed it, until I could outlay enough facts and threatened to expose them. Well then she LOST it. For 30 minutes I was abused, chastised and threatened. I didn't care - I was getting something back that I had lost for a month - a future with my children. She had a friend turn up for lunch and she walked out the front door happy as Larry, saying "Hi" to her friend with an exuberance only matched by the fury of the 10 seconds before.

I went on to learn that the affair had taken place over an extended period, that she had lent him cash, that he was now married but communication continued, she had setup a bank account months before breaking up which he was now paying back into her private account, she had been online dating - I was totally blindsided.

As she came to know I was aware of these details the separation has gone from poor to abysmal. Every discussion now ends in abuse, threats or both. We cannot even manage alternate childcare for holidays without significant grief.

The confrontation happened 7 months ago and even though I am now back in the family home with a small majority share of time with the kids she still resists any attempt to finish the relationship. I say that precariously as 3 months ago she engaged a lawyer who started the process but it continues today without any concrete date.

Some of my friends & family have no disclosed some of their past experiences and commented we will never be at peace. I resisted these comments for a long time, but now expect them to be right.

While I hate what she has done to our family - without any reasonable discussion or effort (my view) - I don't hate her. I will never trust her again, but had always thought we would survive a breakup better than where we are or where we are likely to be.

I am concerned for my boys, not in any physical way, but they know there is conflict as they have seen "some" of it first hand. I am also concerned that now I am not available for her that she may focus on them. I need to be clear she has never been violent, but with the power of hindsight I see times when I have been manipulated, had the truth twisted and lied to. I don't want this to happen to them.
They are too young (and I have no facts) to tell them what I think - and really this is not my job. They should love their mother and father without prejudice - as I will always maintain we have both done our best. Maybe not always on the same page, but I will never say she tried to hurt or demean them.

I am also concerned for me. I am now looking after my 84YO father rehabbing from recent hip replacement, and prostate. I see no end in sight and no blue skies from the issues I face with the mother of my children. I wonder what role I played or how I could have played it better.

I am sad. While my family and friends have been supportive for 8 months, and they continue to be, it feels as though there is only the sad and damaged Andrew that exists. I am consumed by the helplessness I confront and the hate and lies directed towards me.

The bloke they knew 8.5months ago has gone away and that was the bloke they liked.

I recognised the narcissistic traits after my first counselling session - the day after I found out about the affair. They have been repeated in her life. Unfortunately for me, as we have children, she cannot cut me off like previous partners or her father and siblings. I am doomed.

So while I am now partially awake to what I confront, I am barely managing day to day activities and work. I recognise some signs of depression in me and see no end in sight. I am struggling with seeing any future beyond what I face today. Even when the relationship is over (financially) I will still confront a volatile ex-partner demanding things I deem unreasonable - that I can't refute as she has only one position. Hers.

I know my future will eventually get better/easier, and I know I need to remain as constant as I can for my boys - but it is not getting any easier for the moment. It is as if she wants to punish me. I wasn't perfect but I also wasn't that bad.

I have cried while writing this, and maybe I feel better but it will be short lived.

Andrew

[SydneyAndrew]

Recently (8months ago) my partner announced we were finished. I accepted it in the end as the last few years hadn't been our best but were generally still normal in every respect. We have 2 young teenage boys and I wasn't going to cope being in the same house - so moved out. Without hindsight that was the beginning. She accepted everything I did (pay bills, get the kids to sport, etc) but did nothing to help me start the process of finishing.

I wasn't in a good place, and despite 23 years of being together, she just didn't seem to care - not answering emails, or changing her position from one day to the next. My future was being drawn out, but why? She wanted to finish it.

After a month a friend told me she had an affair a year before. To a man who was engaged to be married and the antipathy of what she said she was looking for. I was gutted - absolutely. I had been asked in the month prior and said no - there was no-one else involved - that is not in her.

I confronted her and insisted she leave the house and I have time with the boys. She denied the affair and then downplayed it, until I could outlay enough facts and threatened to expose them. Well then she LOST it. For 30 minutes I was abused, chastised and threatened. I didn't care - I was getting something back that I had lost for a month - a future with my children. She had a friend turn up for lunch and she walked out the front door happy as Larry, saying "Hi" to her friend with an exuberance only matched by the fury of the 10 seconds before.

I went on to learn that the affair had taken place over an extended period, that she had lent him cash, that he was now married but communication continued, she had setup a bank account months before breaking up which he was now paying back into her private account, she had been online dating - I was totally blindsided.

As she came to know I was aware of these details the separation has gone from poor to abysmal. Every discussion now ends in abuse, threats or both. We cannot even manage alternate childcare for holidays without significant grief.

The confrontation happened 7 months ago and even though I am now back in the family home with a small majority share of time with the kids she still resists any attempt to finish the relationship. I say that precariously as 3 months ago she engaged a lawyer who started the process but it continues today without any concrete date.

Some of my friends & family have no disclosed some of their past experiences and commented we will never be at peace. I resisted these comments for a long time, but now expect them to be right.

While I hate what she has done to our family - without any reasonable discussion or effort (my view) - I don't hate her. I will never trust her again, but had always thought we would survive a breakup better than where we are or where we are likely to be.

I am concerned for my boys, not in any physical way, but they know there is conflict as they have seen "some" of it first hand. I am also concerned that now I am not available for her that she may focus on them. I need to be clear she has never been violent, but with the power of hindsight I see times when I have been manipulated, had the truth twisted and lied to. I don't want this to happen to them.
They are too young (and I have no facts) to tell them what I think - and really this is not my job. They should love their mother and father without prejudice - as I will always maintain we have both done our best. Maybe not always on the same page, but I will never say she tried to hurt or demean them.

I am also concerned for me. I am now looking after my 84YO father rehabbing from recent hip replacement, and prostate. I see no end in sight and no blue skies from the issues I face with the mother of my children. I wonder what role I played or how I could have played it better.

I am sad. While my family and friends have been supportive for 8 months, and they continue to be, it feels as though there is only the sad and damaged Andrew that exists. I am consumed by the helplessness I confront and the hate and lies directed towards me.

The bloke they knew 8.5months ago has gone away and that was the bloke they liked.

I recognised the narcissistic traits after my first counselling session - the day after I found out about the affair. They have been repeated in her life. Unfortunately for me, as we have children, she cannot cut me off like previous partners or her father and siblings. I am doomed.

So while I am now partially awake to what I confront, I am barely managing day to day activities and work. I recognise some signs of depression in me and see no end in sight. I am struggling with seeing any future beyond what I face today. Even when the relationship is over (financially) I will still confront a volatile ex-partner demanding things I deem unreasonable - that I can't refute as she has only one position. Hers.

I know my future will eventually get better/easier, and I know I need to remain as constant as I can for my boys - but it is not getting any easier for the moment. It is as if she wants to punish me. I wasn't perfect but I also wasn't that bad.

I have cried while writing this, and maybe I feel better but it will be short lived.

Andrew

[takingandsending]

Hi awake.

It is really hard to come to grips with realization a partner has a mental illness that has been causing you and your family harm for some time. Feels like the bottom has dropped out and you are falling. But awareness is the first step in coming out of the Fear Obligation Guilt these relationships are so fraught with. Be kind to yourself. It's common to feel depressed, grieve, get angry, feel betrayed and grieve some more. But it does get better ... .the moment you start to take care of yourself. Hang in there and keep posting. How old are your kids and what is your current custody status?