Ramping Up

[ortac77]

Its interesting and I am curious as to the experience of others. My BPD partner has been acting out a lot recently and I am carefully following a lot of the advice on these boards and from "stop walking on eggshells" because I finally get that I am Co-Depedent and that it is requiring a lot of changes from me to deal with that.

His behaviour and trying to pick arguments and place the blame on me has increased in direct proportion to my efforts to walk away and refuse to discuss matters when he is raging and abusive. For example yesterday morning I was told that I am a compulsive liar and that he can never trust anything I say, that this causes him to be angry and it is of course all my fault.An interesting response to the simple question "would you like a coffee".

I simply stated that I could see he was angry and that I was going out for a few hours as it was such a lovely day. Since then he refuses to communicate and frankly at the moment I am enjoying the peace!

He of course conveniently forgets that after a rage and self harm episode two weeks ago he was admitted briefly to the local psychiatric unit, apparently that did not happen and of course I am the one who is mentally ill and should be committed.After that episode I took myself off for a short holiday and was able to see that actually I am OK, just maybe lost my way a little and need to rediscover the things that bring me joy.

It seems the more I put in practise to maintain my own calmness and serenity and seek some fun and enjoyment (at least on the surface - there is still residual anger underneath which I am working through with therapy) the more he wants to destroy it.

Somewhere else I read once you 'sus' them out its game over - perhaps this will continue to ramp up until he finally gets that it just won't work anymore?

Thoughts?

[Notwendy]

While we can not change another person - when we change our behavior- this changes the dynamics between two people. Even in dysfunction, two people in a romantic relationship tend to balance in some way- and it is a comfortable balance- maybe not all that wonderful- but familiar, after all, you two chose each other and it is this balance that played a part in it.

Yet, sometimes one partner has had enough of the dysfunction and seeks to change. That change results in the other partner feeling some discomfort- this is new, not familiar.

A typical response is to try to restore the familiar pattern that worked before. So there can be an extinction burst, irritability, manipulation to get things back where they are. If the partner returns to the pattern, then balance is restored. If the partner does not- then something else happens.

That is unpredictable. The partner who is uncomfortable with the change may decide to leave the relationship in search of that comfort elsewhere. Or the partner is committed and also adjusts to the new pattern by adjusting his/her behavior. But this may not happen right away. Everyone brings their relationship tools to a relationship. If the "tools" worked before, then he might keep on using those behaviors- until he learns they don't work.

This behavior may continue but your task- if you want these new changes - is to stick to them. The scary part is that the results are not known. But if you don't like things the way they are, then this change on your part needs to happen, because doing the same things as before often gets the same results.

But the tools and lessons here help. There is a way to change without causing  harm or drama. That's why we try to gain relationship tools.

[CrossroadsGuyMn]

I'm in the midst of an extinction burst myself.

My behavior has changed to be more in line with the way a healthy person would react to BPD behaviors.  Its been difficult, as I too am fighting my own codependency.

I have tried in the past to stand firm to my boundaries, but have always fallen back to my old behaviors.

With the help of my therapist, and this website, I feel stronger this time.  Though the future is unknown, I can guarantee that my assumptions about it are not 100% correct.  That is scary.

However, my assumptions are likely more negative than what will actually occur. 

Stay the course Ortac77.  Invest in yourself, without any guilt.  You will reap a return.  In the past, I've invested only in my wife, and in the relationship and neglected myself.  I deserve to invest and improve myself... .You do to.

[ortac77]

Yes thanks I see that, I am after all changing the dynamic, not pushing him or asking him to change in any way - just holding my boundaries and refusing to engage with abusive or raging behaviour, whilst doing more of the things that I enjoy.

I accept that with this changing dynamic he will push back, actually I also accept that I cannot not know the outcome of this - what I do know is that I can no longer obsess about what he does or how he reacts.

I suppose I feel quite liberated in a way but also aware of how easily I could be drawn back in.

[ortac77]

Updating on this I have tried my best to 'hold the line' of disengaging from the anger and now I having to deal instead with depression. I had to be away from home working over this last weekend, I actually had an enjoyable time with colleagues and managed some very pleasant me time and social interaction.

Since returning I am faced with 'doom & gloom' from the moment arriving back (tired) I was treated to the 'poor me's' - long face and whats the point of all, sure you have all been there! Never asks about me, how am I, no interest at all. No hug, no welcome - feel like an intruder in my own home.

It has really annoyed me (so much for maintaining detachment) - I know that I should just let it go but its been playing on my mind for the past 24 hours and yesterday evening I said "I just don't get why you are here with me as you don't seem to have any feelings for me at all".

I just get the answer that he has no feelings about anything (depression) but now of course I feel guilty because my twisted thinking is telling me its because I have been detaching when he is angry and rude!

I have realised just how lonely this relationship is, I have friends and a good job but it just seems wrong that the only time I can enjoy (normal) social interaction is when I am with them and home just feels unsettling and uncomfortable.

I know it will pass but just needed to get it out of my head and on to here.

[CrossroadsGuyMn]

Ortac,

One of the things that I like about this community is seeing how similarly everyone else feels.  Its very validating to know that I am not alone.

I feel much the same as you.  When I'm at work, or travelling for work, I feel like my old self... .like I'm out of the 'muck'.  I can laugh.  I can joke.  I can think philosophically.  I can reason.  I feel energized.  I feel like I can accomplish realistic goals.

However, on my drive home, I start feeling fatigue, doubt, fear, obligation, and guilt... .by the time my commute is over, I feel ready for bed and often have a headache.

I think that it is a very telling symptom of where I am in my journey.

I hope things improve for you.  Continue working on your "calmness, serenity, fun and enjoyment."  You deserve it!

[ortac77]

Thanks, as you say comforting when we know we are not walking this journey alone. Today he has locked himself in his room, I tried to see how he was but he told me he is 'indifferent' to me.

Isn't it strange how they fear abandonment and then do everything to ensure that they are likely to be abandoned?

Having long fallen out with any family he had he is now pretty much guaranteeing the same will happen with me as i find myself increasingly 'indifferent' to what he thinks of me.

I am quite fed up of the Saint/Sinner polar extremes and yes I think as each day goes by that my journey will take me away from him. That will then allow him to be the victim just as he was when his family would no longer deal with him.

Hey ho - going out to dinner with a friend tonight, my life is going to move forward.