I want to wake up from this nightmare.

[Outofthesmoke]

Warm Greetings,

  I have surfed this website for the past 3 weeks in hopes of healing and moving on. It's been three weeks since I ran away from my PwBPD. I'm looking for support and guidance in an attempt to make the nighmares stop and my racing thoughts to go away. This is my story... .

  I've known my PwBPD since the age of 14. We grew up in the same neighborhood in the southside of Chicago. I was never into him, he has always been a handsome man, yet something about him I was never into. We did however have a friendship. It was never a tight bond but it was a bond none the less. I went to HS with his sister and her and I were good friends. Our friends consisted of the same circle and in the neighborhood we grew up in everyone knows each other. At the age of 16 I became pregnant and gave birth to my son. He was a life awakening for me. In an attempt to save him from the lifestyle I was in and the violent neighborhood we lived in I moved. I immediately cut all ties with everyone around me and left in hopes of giving my son a better life.

  I returned years later at the age of 23. This time I was married with a family, older and wiser. Running into my PwBPD seldom, but it was always an exciting moment when we saw each other. At this point I still only saw him as a childhood friend. At the age of  I moved yet once again cutting all contact with my past once again.

  Fast forward 10 years later he found me on social media and requested me as a friend. I have always been extremely selective with my social circle, but I was always fond of my PwBPD. I realized that he had done a lot for himself. He had currently graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science and was in a better place in life than when I last saw him. I was currently in my senior year of Nursing school and within in a year I would be graduating with a Bachelor's in Science and Nursing. It was an amazing feeling that two kids from the southside of Chicago had surpassed all expectations, made it out alive and were professionals now. Our social media interactions were minimal I was so busy that year working on graduating and Nursing school left no room for fun and games. It wasn't until the month of my graduation that he started reaching out more. At this point I had already been divorced for 5 years and was currently in the mist of a breakup when he stepped in my life.

  His messages never came off as flirtatious I felt more as if he was just celebrating with me my accomplishment. I agreed to go out for dinner and drinks to celebrate my accomplishment and his birthday. At this point I was still not interested in him as anything more than just a friend. I put no effort into getting ready for our night out. However, unexpectedly as our night was coming to an end he came onto me pretty strong and kissed me. I was flattered because he was still a good looking man and I was at a point where my ego was tarnished due to the breakup I was in.

  Our relationship evolved instantly from that day forward. We were insuperable spending every minute we could together. He was still in constant contact with all our childhood friends so his friends automatically became "our" friends. In the beginning he said exactly what I wanted to hear he knew exactly how to make me feel special. I caught myself falling so fast and hard for this man. I took it as destiny I saw it as finally being able to date someone I was comfortable with that understood where I came from and knew how to support where I was going. I was so excited that when the red flags started surfacing I brushed them off to stress or anxiety. I was aware that he suffered from anxiety and depression that he was honest about. We continued to have an amazing relationship where he was so madly head over heels in love with me the feeling was overwhelming and intoxicating.  It was like a drug I wanted and wanted more of it. He spoke to the world about me with so much pride and wanted to show me off to everyone that gave him the chance. Again I saw this as destiny. There he is the man of my dreams and I've known him nearly all my life this is it, is all my mind kept saying to me. Although, in any other situation I would have never allowed myself to fall so hard so fast this to me was destiny.   

  During an argument in about month three where I realized that every time he feared losing me he completely lost it and went insane I (stupidly) proposed to him to prove to him that I was real and this was it for me. He was the most happiest man alive at that time telling all ears that would listen that he was getting married to the love of his life. Looking back now I was so overwhelmed with joy that every time the little voice inside of me tried to pull me away I just pushed her away. At the time he was living with his sister and our nights together I would stay there as well. It was as if we were one big happy family because her and I were childhood friends at one point too. At about month 3 I introduced him to my children and met his. My children were so excited about how great he was and his children were so welcoming as well. It was around this time during a visit to his bestfriend's house that he accused me for the first time of cheating on him. To my surprise I was being accused of cheating with a mutual friend of ours. It was at this time that I also found out that he was a heavy cocaine user. It was a combination of alcohol, drugs and adrenaline that led to him being physically abusive towards me. What's worse is that it happened in front of his 13 year old son. I was so taken back I was in such shock, looking back now it still burns a hole through my soul to think of that night. His rage was unbelievable his anger burned right through my heart. This should have been my exit my farewell. However I stayed. I stayed because the honeymoon stage was so intense so addictive. It was like a drug once again. There were times he had to leave work because he claimed to be going crazy thinking about me and how he couldn't focus on anything else but me and how much he loved me. There were times he thought about having himself admitted because the "feeling" of love for me was over powering. He was so addicted to me and couldn't get enough of me. I feel in love harder deeper stupider. In month 5 we decided to move in together.

  At this point we had ups and downs but the initial high I was always looking for would always resurface and I was addicted and I clinged to him harder. Our first month living together was amazing we had all good, It was towards the end of month 5 that things began to get bad again. This was mid November 2016. At this point I had invested so much energy so much money so much emotion that I constantly walked on eggshells to not set him off. It was here where he began to change. He was no longer the same man I had fallen for. He no longer took pride in me he was constantly putting me down. I remember there were times that I felt so ashamed to be me and be in my skin by just the look he gave me. My self esteem was completely gone at this point I felt like I was worthless like I was nothing yet I continued to chase that initial high. There were times he made comments like him never having a relationship longer than 6 months. He said that to him relationships were like test driving a car to see if it was any good. Through his comments I continued to make him happy or atleast tried to make him happy. At this point I felt like he was a bottomless pit. I felt drained I was tired. The arguments became unbearable and more and more as the days passed by. Yet I continued to beg him to stay I continued to chase my high. The cops has to be called once because he started becoming more and more physically abusive. I was done at this point we were well off into month 6 and the New Year was approaching. Looking back now it makes me angry he always managed to find a way to blame for everything. He ran to the very people that he showed me off to and smeared my name through the dirt. He claimed that I was living in his place and did not want to leave. However that was my apartment I was paying rent I furnished it he brought some of his belongings and together we made it it home. But he was telling everyone otherwise. I got a text from his 16 year old daughter once telling me to leave because her dad no longer wanted to be with me and it wasn't fair that he should have to leave specially because the apartment was somewhere he spent time with them (his 2 kids). I replied with a simple I pay rent here and this is between adults please don't ever contact me in this manner. I was so taken back. We continued to play the stay breakup stay again game for all of month 6. We spent the new year together and continued to play the make up breakup game. Until

     During one of our final arguments he asked me are you sure still want to be with me? I said yes and we spent the day cuddled in bed. He didn't like my response to something and once again he flipped out. This time I fought back I was angry I was tired I had enough. This is where our last week together takes place. He managed to rent the apartment downstairs from me and was claiming to leave by the end of the week. At this point I didn't care as long as he was out and gone. It was soon that I realized what a horrible idea that was. But I continued to entertain his big bright idea. I started looking for way to replace all the furniture that was his and would be out of my apartment by weeks end. Things were falling into place and I soon would be him free. The night before his big move I found myself in a heated argument with him. I started out strong leave me alone leave now I really dislike you and somehow with his manipulative way move into don't leave me I love you I can't live with out you I want to die if you leave me. I begged and begged him to hold me to kiss me to hug me to not leave me for what seemed like an eternity. After about 2 hours of this he agreed to give me one more chance to get it right and get it together. He told me he was not going to sleep with me that night that I needed to learn my lesson and needed to sleep on the couch. I agreed. That night after he went to sleep I started at myself in the bathroom mirror with pain hurt and disgust. How could I have let this man ruin the woman that I had built for the past 34 years in just 7 months. I was hurt I was dying slowly inside. The next morning as he left to work he kissed me and told me we would be going on a date that night. It was 10 minutes from him leaving that I called my mom to pick me up. I took a suitcase full of clothes and a bag full of shoes and that was it I was out and gone.

   This is where I'm having the most trouble with. Even though I truly do consider myself survivor and I am very proud of myself for leaving. I couldn't keep myself from reaching out to him via text. It felt like I was going through withdraw and need a dose of him. The first time I contacted him was 2 days after I left, I told him I didn't want him to hate me and I was sorry. He replied and said he had mixed feelings but would never hate me. I text him again a couple days later but this time he was much colder he asked for me to leave him alone because he was spending time with his kids. I have been going through internal turmoil and at times feel so lost without him. I started  texting hate anger I love you I'm sorry texts every other day and I can't seem to understand my feelings sometimes. I have nightmares of the abuse yet I wake up and miss him so much I want to run to him. He went NC with me ignoring all atempt at contact. I fluctuate in my emotions from anger to regret to missing him. All I want to do is sleep that is the only time I'm not thinking of him or driving myself crazy. I try to stay busy I meditate to heal but everything I have tried is to no avail . I stalk his facebook page where he still has our pictures up. I haven't text him in over a week now I take pride in that I'm easy on myself I really do understand myself. I just want the pain to go away. I don't want to be stuck in this funk anymore I want to get back to life and live loud again. How do I recover fast when I am my own worst enemy?   

[Ragnar1982]

I abruptly left mine, too. We weren't living together, but were in another week long make up cycle. Before I knew it I felt like I was sucked right back in and behaving in a way ready to make more concessions for our relationship, while she got to just keep leading me along with false promises.  Either way, I went no contact and blocked her.  I stupidly unblocked her and left the door open for some hateful messages. I apologized out of guilt a few days later. This led to two days of arguing and ultimately me telling her I can't do this. She again seemed to ignore that the next morning to send me a really nice good morning message to which I replied. I haven't heard from her since and I agree, the only time I feel relief is when I sleep. She consumes my thoughts every single moment. I struggle with guilt and regret and what if feelings. What if this time it was actually going to be what we had always talked about (our future). I just restrain myself from contacting her, and focusing on my resolve to stay NC unless I hear from her that she actually changed what she needed to change. It's such an awful feeling, but you aren't alone in it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Outofthesmoke,



My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry that things have gotten to this point in your relationship. Although I know how uncomfortable and crazy-making they can feel, your feelings are very understandable under the circumstances. These kinds of relationship DO trigger issues in us that force us to cope. Often, we use outdated coping strategies that don't work, and ultimately lead to more pain. You are not alone. I've been there. And the other members here have, too.  

You've found a great place for support. You can get through this and thrive again. We all want to recover quickly—nothing could be more normal—but grieving this kind of loss takes time, patience, and self-compassion. It's not easy, but what you learn about yourself makes what you've gone through worth it. At least, that has been my experience.

Breakups like these often do feel like drug withdrawal. Your body and mind need some time to rebalance. You have likely been on "high alert" for quite some time. That was certainly the case for me. But things have gotten so much better for me, and they can for you, too.

Do you have supportive friends and family around you, whom you can lean on right now?

I know you've been reading on the site. If you haven't seen them yet, I will recommend two articles that may help right now:

This one talks about why these kinds of breakups feel so crazy-making:

The Biology and Neuroscience of Breaking Up

This one helped me so much when I first got here, feeling confused and shattered:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Keep posting, Outofthesmoke, it helps. We are here for you.  

heartandwhole

[Ragnar1982]

Hi heart,

That drug withdrawal feeling you mention is so real for me. I feel like my head is firing off constantly and that something has a physical grip on my brain.

I also appreciate the comment about being on high alert. I spent the last few months of my relationship feeling that way, which ultimately caused me to leave her so abruptly after not seeing her two weeks (a normal pattern) and her not making time for me and my family or kids around the holidays.

Outofsmoke, do you feel these same things?

[Outofthesmoke]

Thank you for your kind words and warm understanding. I'm not angry at myself I'm angry at him and the situation. I'm angry that he initiated anything with me probably knowing how toxic he truly is. I'm angry at him. I just want to wake up and no longer think of him and stop the feelings of revenge. I'm not a hateful hurtful person. I'm a nurturer by nature I think that's why I was easy for him. He presented himself broken and I wanted to fix him.

[ynwa]

Thank you for your kind words and warm understanding. I'm not angry at myself I'm angry at him and the situation. I'm angry that he initiated anything with me probably knowing how toxic he truly is. I'm angry at him. I just want to wake up and no longer think of him and stop the feelings of revenge. I'm not a hateful hurtful person. I'm a nurturer by nature I think that's why I was easy for him. He presented himself broken and I wanted to fix him.

Hey Smoke, 

You don't sound like a hateful or angry person. But what you are feeling is going to happen.  It will pass, at least the density and intensity will.  But it will take time for the person you are to disengage from the person in the relationship.  Reading the links heartandwhole gave you will help with perspective.

You are definitely a strong person, stronger than you think.  But your emotions have been pushed and pulled and need time to fall into themselves.

Thank you for sharing. Be ok with your emotions, you have been through a lot and let yourself breathe.  No Contact with your ex will help give you space. 

[heartandwhole]

That drug withdrawal feeling you mention is so real for me. I feel like my head is firing off constantly and that something has a physical grip on my brain.

It can really do a number on us, Ragnar. I'm sorry you are experiencing that. 

What helped for me was to feel my feelings—literally as physical sensations—and to allow the circus of thoughts that were running through my head just do their thing, without attaching to them. Don't know if that makes sense, but interrupting the process of

thought--->feeling--->unhealthy action to relieve feeling

was helpful. Not easy to do, I know!

heartandwhole

[Keef]

Outofthesmoke, welcome  

I am very sorry about the pain you are feeling. I have been through similar things, as have many on this board. I am glad that you've found your way to BPD Family.

I have only been around here for approx two months but I can tell you, the more you write, the more you express how you feel at the moment, the more the pain will subside and the more the fog will clear even though I know it may not seem like it right now. Everyone on this board, some more experienced than others, will understand you.

I very much agree here with heartandwhole:

What helped for me was to feel my feelings—literally as physical sensations—and to allow the circus of thoughts that were running through my head just do their thing, without attaching to them. Don't know if that makes sense, but interrupting the process of thought--->feeling--->unhealthy action to relieve feeling was helpful.

You will get there eventually. Just try not to respond to your ex's mail etc in the future, and try not to reach out.

How do I recover fast when I am my own worst enemy?

Outofthesmoke, I do know how that feels... .but recovery does take some time, and it won't come in the shape of a straight line. Be kind to yourself, don't rush. I know the confusion of early healing; you have your own emotions roller-coaster-riding, mixed with thoughts of the ex... you may be wondering what the ex is going through... .it's all mixed up. I unfortunately got very enmeshed with my ex partner, that makes things considerably more difficult... May I be so bold as to say that you are not your worst enemy?

I'm a nurturer by nature

I know where you're coming from, many of us here would describe ourselves in similar terms. Do you feel bereaved of this kind of "resource" (your ability of compassion etc) now that the relationship has failed? I have certainly felt like that after my recently failed relationship, I felt like my ex drained me of just about every positive aspect of my self. Do not worry, it is still there.

You seem to have insight, and as ynwa writes; you are stronger than you think. Stay NC, and keep posting here on the detaching board.

Take care!
Keef