My adult daughter has had Bdd ( Body Dismorphic disorder)and Vaginismis

[Prim808]

My lovely, highly intelligent daughter has been through so much in her life. She has a Masters In Social Work, graduated summa cum laude, is a Psi Beta Kappa. In addition she has a 12 year old son with ADHD, and, many other learning disabilities. I have had such a turmoil of a relationship with her over the years-often driving 3 hours to get her to a therapy appt, or, talking to her on the phone when the BDD was bad, and, she was threatening to commit suicide. ( I finally told her the next time she said that-I was going to call the local Police -where she lived-she said it , and I called -she never said that again-) As a child she had severe separation anxiety, and, I took her to a therapist to get help. When she was 13  her best friends parents decided to put her ( the friend ) in a private school. I was shocked at my daughters reaction-she screamed, swore -hung up -called back, and , so it continued until they would not answer the phone anymore. In college she became very close to a classmate , and , for junior year they got an apartment together. When the friend announced she was going back to Michigan to finish her education, my daughter went in to a rage-would not talk to her best friend other than screaming and swearing. The friend left, but, things seemed mended after several months, until K. ( as I will call the friend ) applied to the JET Program ( where you go Japan and teach English)-well, it started all over again-the ranting, etc... "How could K do this to me ?", was her big question.There are so many more instances-too many to go in to now. But, my daughter finally was able to manage her BDD, and, found a program in Long Island that helped her overcome her Vaginismis . I have ordered all the books I can about BPD-in the hopes that I can learn how to better communicate with my daughter-. She either loves me or is furious at me .( Something I have learned about BPD). I want so much to help-in any way I can. Any advice will be greatly appreciated ! I never know whether what I say is going to set her off. I also have MS, which adds to the mix. I am so glad I found this group !

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Prim808,

Welcome and hello 

I'm sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site.

It seems common for people with BPD to struggle with separation, both physical and symbolic. My SO's D19 can feel separation stress when her dad leaves the room, or even when I am tired. She interprets both as emotional distance and it triggers anxiety that leads to defensive strategies like clinging or raging (her rages are internalized for the most part). Sometimes she disassociates.

What are some of the books you have ordered? I found the firehose of information a little overwhelming at first and ended up using validating questions because they seemed to cover the three things I needed: a pause in the conversation to collect my thoughts, an opportunity to soothe her, and shifting responsibility for problem-solving to her (which made her feel competent). That suggestion came from I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms.

You must be proud of her for dealing with her BDD and seeking help with Vaginismis (hadn't heard of that until you wrote about it )

[Prim808]

Thank You for your thoughtful response. I have ordered "Walking On Egg Shells", a Guide  ( can't remember the name), and, one other book on how talk to people with BPD. I have also found the "McLean Hospital Support Group" section on BPD very informative ! Great videos and upcoming Webinars you can register for. I hope it's OK to post that ?

Best !

[livednlearned]

Share anything that works!

Another book that helped me was Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning. I go back to it from time to time to refresh my memory.

Buddha and the Borderline is a memoir written by a woman who suffered from BPD and it's the book I turn to when I need to fill my cup of compassion.

This site is very helpful, too, especially if you have a specific scenario you are dealing with (like circular arguments on a specific topic) or trying to change a habit, like enabling (a favorite here  )

I've also learned a lot by reading the Improving board on this site. Even though they discuss romantic relationships, the skills are similar if not the same.

Lessons to the right are also helpful ----------->

The stress of having a BPD child must make it very challenging with your MS. How are you doing? Do you make your own health a priority?

LnL

LnL

[Prim808]

Thank you for your response. My biggest problem is that her BPD has not been acknowledged by her. Three of the therapists I have seen over the past 8 years ( due to my relationship with my daughter, and some depression ) have said they are sure she has BPD. Her "sister". K. saw a Therapist in NYC, due to their strained relationship ( 5 years ago ) and that therapist also said it was most likely she has BPD.  I don't know how to handle this-she refuses to get joint counseling, and has for many years. What do I do ? I have a "gut" feeling she knows, but, has never said anything to me. She worked as a therapist at McLean Hospital, and, was loved and respected by all she worked with. She went to a "group meeting" for a year ( last year), but, wouldn't tell me more than it was to help her marriage. She is such a smart woman, so aware of mental health issues , that I can't believe she doesn't recognize this in herself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated--for now , I am following suggestions in the books and watching all the videos, etc... that I can. My MS is fairly stable, but, I find the stress often causes flares.  I have a great doctor at a Boston MS Clinic. Thank you again !