She's being attacked by my family (or so she thinks)

[Cole]

Haven't been on the board in a while but really need to vent.

dBPDw has decided to leave me and the kids again. She says it is because my entire family is mean to her, no one loves her, no one respects her, etc... .all of the same irrational fear of abandonment/rejection she has shown in the past. She refuses to be around my family. She has no contact with anyone in her family, either, due to the same line of thought.

She moved out of state twice before in 2015. The first time lasted all of 24 hours. The second lasted two weeks. This time, she is planning to move but stay here in our area. She has signed a lease, but has not sat down to figure out how she is going to afford to live there, has not packed anything, and will not sit down with me to discuss how we will proceed with custody, divorce procedures, bills, etc... .

She goes back and forth between blaming all our problems on my family and a self-awareness that she is extremely soft skinned and unable to let go of real or imagined insults, no matter how small or how long ago they happened.

Yesterday we took the kids on an adventure. She was glued to me all day, held my hand, complimented me, and told me how much she loves me. When we got home, she suddenly packed up and left, stating she needs time to think because now she does not know if she wants to move, but cannot stay because of my family.

I know she doesn't really want to leave. But, I cannot figure out a solution to the family issues. She rages about things that people said 10, 15, 20 years ago that were not meant as insults and many of which did not happen, though she has convinced herself otherwise.

Her solution is for me to confront all of these people and make them line up to apologize to her for things that did not happen the way she perceives they did. I cannot expect people to do that.

So what do you do?

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Cole,

The threats to leave have to be very concerning, not to mention exhausting.

And she can't let go of things said decades ago, yet seems to have some awareness that she has trouble with perception.

I can see why it would be hard with this kind of inconsistency and so much on the line.

You've been here before so I'm guessing you are familiar with the relationship skills, like validation, SET, etc. that we talk about here. How does she respond to these skills?

I notice with my BPD loved one that she seems to return to baseline with some regularity, as long as her loved ones do not make things worse. It's almost like we shift into radical acceptance so that she can go sort herself out and then return to our normalcy. If we are emotionally off balance, she seems more likely to stay dysregulated.

It's pretty challenging to hold ground like this. The hope is that she mirrors our mood state and uses it to regulate.

Sometimes this requires extreme validation, plus putting responsibility on her to solve whatever triggers her.

It's hard

[Cole]

You've been here before so I'm guessing you are familiar with the relationship skills, like validation, SET, etc. that we talk about here. How does she respond to these skills?

Very familiar with these tools. Learned validation skills here, particularly from Waverider.

The problem with validation is that the minute I validate her feelings, she goes into a rage and demands I do something about it.

Her: "Your mom was really snotty when we were playing cards at your grandmothers." (this would have been at least 11 years ago)

Me: "I am sorry she made you feel bad. For you to still think about it after all these years, I am sure it hurt your feelings."

Her: "Then why won't you go confront her! Why won't you stick up for me! Why the hell doesn't anyone in this family ever apologize!"

So, she expects me to confront people and make them apologize for something that probably did not happen the way she remembers it and which no one but her would remember anyway. Not staring down that road, or I will have to ask everyone she knows to apologize for something or another every week.
 

[livednlearned]

Waverider is a master 

One thing I see in my BPD loved one is a need for my emotions to reach a similar level as hers. I have a fairly neutral resting face and my voice is kinda monotone. With D20, if I become animated (which can feel a bit theatrical to me), her emotions will start to wane a bit.

I wonder if that would make a difference with your wife? Add to that a bit of coaching.

It seems like she is hellbent on engaging you in a drama triangle. She is the victim, they are the perpetrators, you are supposed to be her rescuer, and won't.

You can still offer to be her catcher's mitt, only if she agrees to do the work, though. This would mean adding to her comment (while mirroring her emotion level), "I would feel the same way if I felt someone disrespected me like that! (Facial expression! Tone of voice). It makes me angry just thinking about it! I know this must come from you, otherwise I will end up in the middle and will botch up the job because things get lost in translation. If you aren't comfortable talking to her, how about writing a letter? I am happy to read it and make suggestions so you can say how you feel and get it out there."

With D20, my BPD loved one, this has worked. Though I know the kinds of drama triangle history in a romantic relationship can be more challenging.

Although, I notice that in the history of your wife threatening to leave, she does not last long. It seems more like a dramatic silent treatment than a genuine desire to leave. I think that is worth noticing... .

[Cole]

One thing I see in my BPD loved one is a need for my emotions to reach a similar level as hers. I have a fairly neutral resting face and my voice is kinda monotone. With D20, if I become animated (which can feel a bit theatrical to me), her emotions will start to wane a bit.

You make an interesting point. Without getting into detail, my former employment put me in positions where allowing emotions to override training and discipline would get people killed. So, I am, like you, fairly neutral. Friends liken our marriage to Spock marrying Lucile Ball.

Maybe the reaction and emotion would be enough to satisfy her. I will try that.

Drama triangle- no doubt. When we met, she was in an abusive situation with a boyfriend who liked to hit. I helped her out of that situation and we began dating a month or so later. She still wants me to be the rescuer. Her mother was and still is very abusive. Her father sat by and watched, never lifting a finger to protect her. She is working that out with her therapist.

And yes, the moving out is more like dramatic silent treatment. Last time, she pulled out with a moving truck and everything she owns "forever", never wanting to see me again. She called me no less that 10 times before she even got to where she was going. About two weeks later, we discussed the possibility of her moving back. I came home from work to find her in the kitchen and dinner on the table.

At least life with a pwBPD keeps things interesting.

Thank you for your help, livednlearned.


  

[duimstal]

Hi Cole,

I am right with you 100% with my husband. (Only he only has just 3 years of history and 2 weeks total of face to face time with my family to draw from due to distance.)

After the 10th argument about it, he calmed down and rationally told me that he wants me to tell my family that he has been struggling with his mental health and to tell them that they have offended him. I did it, and though my mom was completely taken aback by the "offensive" things that were said, my husband has settled down with the arguments now that he knows that my family is aware they have hurt his feelings in the past.

It has only helped short term, though, and I'm planning to visit my family for Christmas. My family and I are hoping he will be there, but too often he insists he never wants to see them again, so I don't know how it will go.

[Cole]

After the 10th argument about it, he calmed down and rationally told me that he wants me to tell my family that he has been struggling with his mental health and to tell them that they have offended him. I did it, and though my mom was completely taken aback by the "offensive" things that were said, my husband has settled down with the arguments now that he knows that my family is aware they have hurt his feelings in the past.

Been there, as well. Last Thanksgiving, she refused to go to my brothers house with the rest of the family. I suggested that she and the kids and I do something else, which resulted in her going into another rage and demanding we go without her. Why? Because she wanted me to tell everyone they hurt her feelings.

So, I did. And they were fully confused about these things they supposedly did to hurt her.

And when I did not call her and beg her to come over, she got even angrier. Of course I didn't call her! The last thing she screamed at me before we left was, ":)on't even THINK about calling me to come over!" 

[waverider]

If this is her regular swing away and you have probably got used to this and probably less overly reactive, then is there any reason to believe she will equally swing back again?

Is it a case of the extreme of the oscillaton being less (eg not running as far) but the duration/ pace being slower (she may stay away longer)? Much like a dampening effect on the whole cyclic nature of BPD behavior.

You can't stop the inevitability of BPD instability, but the ebb and flow of a tide change is much easier to roll with than the violent storms that we often experience when it is all a big mystery and we dont know how to react.

Not much you can do about the perceived victim stance apart from not getting dragged into individual issues, which you seem to have a handle on, as its not about the issues its about the process of needing to be a victim. Victimhood is often just a proactive stance to ward off being seen as responsible for everything thats going wrong in their own life. Blame shifting. Thats just bread and butter BPD thinking...

You can't control her choices but what you do affects your environment, which in turn will influence her choices. But her choices are ultimately hers to own. Just dont hand her any easy avenues for projecting responsibility onto you. Your life rolls on regardless.

[Cole]

If this is her regular swing away and you have probably got used to this and probably less overly reactive, then is there any reason to believe she will equally swing back again?

Yes, I expect her to swing right back. She keeps throwing the threat of moving out in front of me, and I keep telling her that if that is what she needs, I will not fight her. I even offered to help her move. She does not know what to do when I say that.

Not much you can do about the perceived victim stance apart from not getting dragged into individual issues, which you seem to have a handle on, as its not about the issues its about the process of needing to be a victim. Victimhood is often just a proactive stance to ward off being seen as responsible for everything thats going wrong in their own life. Blame shifting. Thats just bread and butter BPD thinking...

As usual, waverider nailed it. Being a typical pwBPD, she has self-loathing and core shame issues. It causes her to make poor decisions in search of relief from that pain. Then, she blames the poor decisions on others.

The sad part is she isn't intentionally lying about the poor way she is treated; she truly believes these things have happened.

[waverider]

The sad part is she isn't intentionally lying about the poor way she is treated; she truly believes these things have happened.

Self sabotaging delusions are what makes these claims all the more saleable when spread around, and triggers others into rescuer mode as it is totally convincing until you realise otherwise.

Near impossible to divert them from these beliefs also without coming across as totally invalidating.

[Cole]

Self sabotaging delusions are what makes these claims all the more saleable when spread around, and triggers others into rescuer mode as it is totally convincing until you realise otherwise.

Near impossible to divert them from these beliefs also without coming across as totally invalidating.

Agreed. Last night she was crying and raging that the family of a friend of ours tried to set me up on a date after we were married. This never happened.

I had enough and told her it never happened. She got really mad and said, "I am done talking about it!" Then she calmed down and was fine the rest of the night. Really curious as to if she is cognizant she is making this up or not.

I wonder if the need to be a victim and have a rescuer is rooted in the relationship with her father. Her mother was quite abusive and cruel when she was a child. FIL never stood up to MIL or protected W as a child. Maybe she is looking for that still.

[waverider]

I wonder if the need to be a victim and have a rescuer is rooted in the relationship with her father. Her mother was quite abusive and cruel when she was a child. FIL never stood up to MIL or protected W as a child. Maybe she is looking for that still.

Part of the inner child constantly seeking out that nurturing, which was missing in early development, by wanting to be reassured / validated / rescued.

As we grow we venture into the big bad world but we go back to our parents for a reassurance top up, then back out into the world a fresh,like a validation "pit stop". Eventually we need nurturing less and loose reliance on our parents. If these top ups are denied early on then it is as if that part of the "pit stop" lap is bypassed, and rather than grow we become "stunted" in emotional development. I think it is one of the foundation building blocks on which BPD develops. Self reliance is not developed and the desperate need for validation becomes overwhelmingly dysfunctional and shallow

[Cole]

Self reliance is not developed and the desperate need for validation becomes overwhelmingly dysfunctional and shallow

This is her in a single sentence.