Didn't see that one coming...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi!   
It's been a while since I posted here, have been reading though... .I'm actually doing really well: working out, having fun with friends... .
But something happened today, like totally weird.

As Some of you know, I work with my BPDexbf. Ever since I went LC on just work with him things are pretty good. No more texting, the project we're working on goes really well and I 'm just focussing on me. So besides work we don't speak. I even forgot his birthday   good sign! 

Anyway: today I ran in to him at the coffeecorner and he was like: "Hey, have you seen it?" I was confused and he said: "I texted you" then pulled up his shirt and there's this huge tattoo of a text we talked about when we were together    I really wanted that text tattood and back then we talked about getting it together on the same place... .Well, he got it!
I just started laughing and said: "Sorry, I think this is really funny, you Picked my text?" And he was like: "Yeah it hurt so bad" and then wondered off... .
I think this is so weird? I was like shocked and when I got home I realized that Tomorrow would have been our anniversary... .

I thought I'd share. I'm not sure what I am feeling about this, just shocked now. I think I don't care really... Or maybe as I'm posting it here I do... .

Thoughts?
XOXO

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi!   
It's been a while since I posted here, have been reading though... .I'm actually doing really well: working out, having fun with friends... .
But something happened today, like totally weird.

As Some of you know, I work with my BPDexbf. Ever since I went LC on just work with him things are pretty good. No more texting, the project we're working on goes really well and I 'm just focussing on me. So besides work we don't speak. I even forgot his birthday   good sign! 

Anyway: today I ran in to him at the coffeecorner and he was like: "Hey, have you seen it?" I was confused and he said: "I texted you" then pulled up his shirt and there's this huge tattoo of a text we talked about when we were together    I really wanted that text tattood and back then we talked about getting it together on the same place... .Well, he got it!
I just started laughing and said: "Sorry, I think this is really funny, you Picked my text?" And he was like: "Yeah it hurt so bad" and then wondered off... .
I think this is so weird? I was like shocked and when I got home I realized that Tomorrow would have been our anniversary... .

I thought I'd share. I'm not sure what I am feeling about this, just shocked now. I think I don't care really... Or maybe as I'm posting it here I do... .

Thoughts?
XOXO

[joeramabeme]

So he tattooed a text message you sent him on his belly?  That sounds very odd.  Probably a good thing that you have limited contact.  Perhaps that is his way of holding onto the memory of your r/s?

[I_am_Stacey]

Well he tattooed a line I wanted tattooed and we talked about getting it tattooed together... .Now he got that tattoo I wanted 
It makes me wonder what else I can expect from him... .

Perhaps that is his way of holding onto the memory of your r/s

He's with my replacement for months now, and he's the one who ended it out of the blue, refusing to talk to me or whatever. We started talking again when I got transferred back to his department at work, which is on a different location, after NC for months. Back in november I decided I had enough of the push/ pull when we weren't even together and I limited contact besides work. I needed to heal. And he didn't contact me either until this weird encounter and textmessage  (I didn't respond to that btw) yesterday. It doens't make sence?

The good thing is, after a good night of sleep I realize I wanted a sign form him that he cared, some kind of closure that it did mean something, that I ment something to him, for months and now I just don't care.   Like  I was just a little shocked and I do question now, will it be like this forever? Him popping up like every 3 months for some reason?   

XOXO

[mjssmom]

Wow!  I'm sorry but that's too awesome and hilarious!  You definitely meant something to him and now he can realize that everyday for the rest of his life!

[Pretty Woman]

So glad you can find the humor in that.

Crazy right? Would you get a tattoo on your body that pertains to someone you are no longer dating?

That's the weird crux of this disorder. They are able to "splice" out events and the severity of them. While we are licking our open wounds from them cheating on us/telling us how horrible we are they are running through the streets throwing fists of salt... .leaping through the streets smiling like it's a parade.

You are doing very well, Friend. You are starting to see just how ridiculous and immature a BPD's love is. Not to mention shallow.

Keep on track!

 

[I_am_Stacey]

Wow!  I'm sorry but that's too awesome and hilarious!  You definitely meant something to him and now he can realize that everyday for the rest of his life!

I think it's kinda hilarious, but also really sad. Who does this? And he seemed proud of it in a way and sort of disappointed in my reaction to it. I really wanted to have meant something to him and him telling me that and now I could care less... .I think it's really sad, weird and shallow... .

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi Prett Woman,
It is crazy... .and sad... .I do wonder what else I can expect. Funny what you Saïd about the parade: he had this smirk on his face when I have to talk to him at work, amused... .he's a teenager in a grown ups body.

Thank you! All of you here have been a huge help! There was a time I thought I'd never get through... .but when I decided I deserve so much more and started focussing on me, it became so clear how disturbing his behaviour is, and my behaviour for letting him do this to me. The experience was so hard and devastating but it made me so much stronger and more in touch with myself, if that makes sence? Sometimes I feel sad for him and a part of me Will always want to 'save' him I quess as I know how he can be... .but I know better and I Will never go There Again.

Thank you for your support!

XOXO

[Stripey77]

I actually don't think this is shallow, funny, or selfish. I find this very sad, in a bittersweet way. I've been through several incidences of my ex (who is in and out of my life constantly) showing me that he hasn't really totally let go of me at all, despite all appearances to the contrary.  I have mentioned this before on previous posts, but I make highly personalised art/craft items and made two for him when we were together. As recently as just 4 days ago, I saw that he still has this item (that almost seemed to bring him to tears when I made it for him) still in his home... .and he said about it... ."I've still got it".  He broke up with me the first time over a year ago, and then went on to 'delete' me from his life (apparently I was 'cancelled' over Xmas 2015. Yet just this weekend gone after 4 weeks of total silence from me, (after he'd bounced back into my life at Xmas) I get an out of the blue message, the preamble of which was that I am free to hate him. This item in his house, and another in his business premises, are of great significance between the two of us. Isn't it interesting that having been deleted (he actually drew a cross in front of my face last year to show me that I'd been crossed out) he kept these up at all times?  I know he did, because it was seen by friends... .throughout his apparent hatred of me. You would have thought he'd have torn them down, not have it in pride of place to see every day. 

I think your ex's tattoo is as significant as this, albeit somewhat more permanent; as others have said, he's got that reminder on his body for life. You must have seriously meant something to him, and as we all know from these boards alone, the closer we got to our BPD person, the more we meant to them, it seems the harder we got pushed. But just maybe, we are also the ones they can't quite completely let go.

 I don't, and won't, hate my ex, no matter all the awful emotional hurt he has put me through. I feel so sad that he has to live in that state of mind in the first place... .inflicting pain, knowing you probably are but almost not knowing another way... .and then waiting to reap the assumed hatred as a result. Yet with me, it is never forthcoming. I actually find it so much easier to tackle him with kindness and love than with contempt, although of course I accept, that is just for me, and with regard to my own very personal situation. Each of us is treading a different path here, and must find our own way out of this hell.

It doesn't sound as if you do hate your ex, and I'm glad for you that you're moving along and healing so well. But just to stand in his shoes for a minute... .knowing all we do about them, and knowing that they are suffering an emotional turmoil pretty much all of the time... .why would we choose to laugh or be malicious about such a significant act? IF we do believe, as many have stated, that they are like teenagers or even children, in adult bodies, then surely we should try to act towards them accordingly? Is that the way we would react to a small child, however horrible they'd been to us, if they tried to show us, however clumsily, that we meant something to them and they wanted to show something physical to denote it?  It might just be the only way they know to  demonstrate.  I'm not saying that he hasn't caused pain, or done heinous things, I know mine has. But I think it all comes down to intent... .they don't INTEND to hurt us, their intention is to protect themselves. Knowing this has saved my sanity and allowed me to feel compassion for him, no matter how sad and lonely he has left me. Ultimately, we are going to heal, they are not.

Your story is not so strange at all once we think of it within the reference of a BPD r/s.   We need to stop applying the same parameters and expectations we do to someone who thinks on the same emotional plane as us: they, clearly, do not. I'm sure your ex was disappointed, as would any human being, (and especially one who can be childlike), purely because he was expecting a far more warm and enthusiastic response. I can totally understand why we want to laugh, ridicule, or be secretly very pleased when we see our exes fail or run into hard times. Maybe with a NON BPD ex, I would say, laugh away. Karma is a b*tch, they deserve it, etc. etc. But when I read stories like this, and think of my own, I just feel so sad, for them, and for us.

[infjEpic]

But when I read stories like this, and think of my own, I just feel so sad, for them, and for us.

I've never actually told anyone this, including my counsellor, there were bigger issues to focus on I guess (and maybe was a bit too embarrassing at the time)
This tattoo story brought it to mind tho.

My BPDex had this obsession with pulling, plucking and tweezing hair and blackheads. I've read a lot of BPDs do - it can be a substitute  for self harm iirc.
Her sister self harmed extensively, while she didn't seem to at all.
(I thought her sister and brother were the crazy ones - turned out she is just higher functioning)

She started off plucking ingrown hairs from my beard, then it turned into this 'game', where we would talk about deep feelings and she would insist on plucking my facial hair. (and yea - I let her do it, silly naive boy that I was).

I actually started to grow to really dislike these conversations, as she would
i) make any attempt I made at discussing issues my fault
ii) seemed to take increasing pleasure in plucking hair from the most painful places. The more painful it was, the more pleasure she derived.

This went on for a while, before I realised she had actually damaged my facial hair. I had large gaps with no hair growth.
So that little game came to an end.

Several months later, I was cleanly shaven at the stage when she attempted to recycle me.
I rejected her, and she almost immediately enquired about my facial hair. If it had healed.

I lied and said, No - it hasn't.

She derived great pleasure from that.

To quote her verbatim 'Lol badge of honour. You'll look at your beard in 20 years and remember me'


Or after she falsely accused me of domestic violence, I had to change the door locks, that cost me 350 Euro.
She thought that was hilarious - in a nasty sadistic way.
There are a lot of these if I actually stopped and thought about them.


I tend to forget about smaller incidents like these - it's the fake pregnancy claim, the fake suicide threats, the attempt to run me over that after months of NC, that stay at the forefront of my mind. But you could almost rationalise those away as a BPD meltdown.

It's these smaller incidents - where her mask slipped and the horrible, nasty individual at her core was on full display - are much more illuminating.
These forced me to look at myself, and ask myself some tough questions.
And helps to alleviate some of that sadness which you describe.

[Stripey77]

Hi there InfjEpic  

... .and yes, that's understood. As I said, we are all treading an entirely different path here. My ex has dysregulated, he has gone off at the deep end and ghosted me, in front of mutual friends, for months at a time. He's accused me of creating problems and there not being a connection between us.  He hurt me at a very deep level emotionally. But, now I am very aware of the beast I am dealing with (the BPD) I find so much of this so much easier to take in my stride. Even the close friendship he has cultivated with another woman, which is clearly a sibling type friendship, I have been able to accept, knowing it wasn't cultivated to hurt me. As his ex, I didn't even come into the equation at all anyway.

Had my ex, who is also very high functioning, and I don't think ever shown any kind of sway to self harm (but boy can he drink) EVER shown me the kind of maliciousness that others have described and been made victim of, I might have a very different take on things. He has never accused me of anything illegal or made up vicious lies, or ever ever made me feel in any kind of danger with him.  When I see him looking like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards, when I see him staggering home alone on a night out when just days before he was in my arms, when I realise that he's deliberately put up a barrier between the two of us because 'we don't work' then yes, I feel sorry for him. He is missing out on love as much as I am, it's just that he's closed that off and put it in a box somewhere. Just a little while back he rocked up at my house after seeing me out, at 5 in the morning to tell me how important I am to him, how much he doesn't want to lose me, how wonderful I am. But he doesn't love me... .

As I say, had I been through any of the experiences you describe, and others, my sympathy might have dried up a long time ago. Viewing this tattoo incident through the prism of my own experiences, I just thought, wow that is sad. That someone's mind is so jumbled that he would tattoo something so meaningful about an EX and then think that she would somehow be impressed by that. The fact that he has cheated and is living with someone else, is again something I didn't go through, so maybe in light of that I would be inclined to laugh at him too. Nonetheless, I can't help but think that someone who thinks that is a normal or acceptable thing to do, is ultimately to be pitied. Not least of all because they have to continue to be that person for the rest of their lives,  not understanding why they feel the way they do, not knowing why they don't get the reactions or the relationships they crave so badly.

I suppose I have reached a point of understanding my ex very well now, he has never really entirely left my life and there is no hatred at all, I just wish so much that things were different. Had I experienced just one of the things others on here have described, I totally appreciate that I might have a VERY different take on things. 

[I_am_Stacey]

I actually don't think this is shallow, funny, or selfish. I find this very sad.

I think your ex's tattoo is as significant as this, albeit somewhat more permanent; as others have said, he's got that reminder on his body for life. You must have seriously meant something to him, and as we all know from these boards alone, the closer we got to our BPD person, the more we meant to them, it seems the harder we got pushed. But just maybe, we are also the ones they can't quite completely let go.

Thank you for taking the time to respond and making me see another side. We had an intense connection which was very real. I know it was something different than we both had with someone else before. That's what makes it so hard. I never saw the BPD-side as he is with his exwife or friends: the devaluation, being agressive, talking bad about them... He was very real with me. I know things about him that none else knows. He told me and later on, after we got back in touch after the disgard, that he's affraid we will connect again and he pushed me away because I could hurt him. And he said we could never be back together. And then he gets this tattoo. I have to keep distand for my OWN sanity.

It doesn't sound as if you do hate your ex, and I'm glad for you that you're moving along and healing so well. But just to stand in his shoes for a minute... .why would we choose to laugh or be malicious about such a significant act?

 It might just be the only way they know to  demonstrate.  I'm not saying that he hasn't caused pain, or done heinous things, I know mine has. But I think it all comes down to intent... .they don't INTEND to hurt us, their intention is to protect themselves.

I don't hate my ex at all. He's a lovely person and I feel for him that he Will never find what he wants most. He even asked me that, if I hated him. I actually told him, and I mean it: that in a way I must be thanking him for what the whole experience has brought me. I'm way more in touch with myself and bevause of him I realized that I am a lovely person. With him I could be myself. Nothing was weird. We're coming from very different backgrounds and I loved how he would just take me for who I am. Because of him I know how strong I am and what I'm capable off. But he did hurt me. And for me, I've to keep LC, as he'll always be a soft spot for me. I see him at work and sometimes I just want to hun him. Hond him in my arms and tel him it Will be okay. I know I can't. I have to move on.

The laughing was not at him... .it's my way of reacting when I get nervous or something unexpected happens. I Thank you for making me see another side... .lots to think about. It does make me sad. As you said, we'll heal, they never Will... .

Stripey77, you have a lovely soul and very kind Heart... .I'll definitely Will think of your words... .

XOXO

[I_am_Stacey]

I've never actually told anyone this,
This tattoo story brought it to mind

Thank you for sharing... .

I tend to forget about smaller incidents like these - These forced me to look at myself, and ask myself some tough questions.
And helps to alleviate some of that sadness which you describe.

Time does that, doesn't it? The looking at myself I actually see as a blessing now. But damn it is hard... .it still is from time to time... .And you're right, the things he has done, and hasn't done, the broken promises... .I feel sad, for me, for him, for us... .but I have to let go... .and now this tattoo-incident and he marks his body with a permanent reminder of me. Maybe I wished he'd let me go. So I don't have to think about the great love I lost and how it could have been.
I forgave him for what he did a long time ago... .but I also have to let go. Working with him is challenging enough.

XOXO