Is there any hope?

[Faith_88]

Hi all,

I'm pretty new here and have only really been getting a grip on BPD for the last month. I'm trying to stay positive and am in the process of organising counselling sessions for myself (according to the test on here, I'm moderately depressed but I also feel insane right now) and reading 'Stop Walking on Eggsells', but I have had a dark few days. It is almost as if I'm grieving the could-have-been for our relationship. I fluctuate between knowing it is over and hoping it can work. Like SamwiseGamgee's post, the good days throw me.

The FOG is really bad. I feel it everyday right now. Then through the miasma, a glimmer of his best self. Just enough to spark a sense of hope.

I've noticed that most posters on this board are 'ex-romantic partner'. Is there any hope? I'm worried that leading a separate life (which seems to be the only option I can see right now) while in the relationship is the only way to calm it. This leads me to thinking that a healthy, dependable, two-sided relationship - happiness - can't really be on the cards. Just 'ok'ness. 'Ok'ness for the rest of my life. 'Ok'ness for any children we may have in the future.

I'm a hobby writer, and have an overwhelming urge to write about my despair, but I wrote one poem and then felt immediately guilty about it. I've hidden it. I can't imagine what would happen if he found it, how he'd feel. I am always going to be worrying about how he feels, when he seems sometimes to not worry at all about how things effect my own feelings?

I would love to hear from a poster here who is truly content with their relationship with a BPD, but of course I'd appreciate any response at all.

[ortac77]

Hi

I wish I could tell you that I am truly content but for 12 years my life has alternated between OK'ness and desperation.

I try to use all the tools and I am working hard on muy own co-dependency issues but I won't pretend its not tough, although I can now see more clearly through the FOG and acknowledge that in order to be happy it requires me to change and let go of the outcome. Tough when I am a self acknowledged 'people pleaser'.

I did want to say that you could write your poem, maybe share it here if you felt able - sometimes the beauty of poetry or song can be such a help to us.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Faith. Welcome to the boards. Grief is a very normal thing to experience when you realize your uBPDh has a mostly uncurable mental illness. You had dreams and hopes and desires for a great life. And now you are faced with the chance that it may not be that way. He may never be able to love you the way you want to be loved by him. Take the time you need to grieve over that loss. Really grieve it. Work through the unfairness of it all.

As for your future, it's impossible to tell how things will go. For myself I've found strength inside of myself to continue in my relationship. My contentment cannot stem from how well he is doing, but from how well I am doing. If I am validating him, if I am honoring myself, if I am setting boundaries, then I am happier in my relationship and with myself for choosing to stay in the relationship. He is going to do what he is going to do, and nothing I do can change that. There will be some really sad times in my relationship, and when those times comes, I have to work through my own feelings and find peace for myself.

[Faith_88]

Ortac77

Thank you for your honest answer.

I guess I'm a 'people pleaser' too - maybe this is why we accepted painful behaviour in the first place, instead of just decisively moving on? I don't know.

I'll try to put the poem up - it was very hard for me to write as I was literally writing my fears. Also, it isn't very hopeful tone.


Tattered Heart

I think that's the hardest thing to face, that the love will likely be unbalanced, unreturned to the same level. Putting in over 50% of the emotional care in a relationship scares me. I hope I can reach the level of acceptance you seem to have found yourself.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Faith 88, It takes a while to wrap one's head around BPD so give yourself credit for getting up-to-speed.  The F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt) is to be expected because that's how a pwBPD manipulates the Non.  Once you are aware of it, and it sounds like you are, it's easier to identify and avoid getting one's arm twisted.  The place to start, in my view, is with yourself.  Suggest you shift the focus back to YOU.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  What can you do to treat yourself well?  It's all about finding the right path for YOU.  Boundaries are helpful while you sort things out.

LuckyJim

P.S.  Would love to read your poem, so feel free to post.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I've done some deep thinking on the topic of hope. My wife asked a while ago whether there was hope, implying to ask whether there was hope for us.  I'm a determined optimist so, I said yes.  Yes, there was always hope.  Hope for a lost cause.  Hope for some good to come out of the suffering.   

However, I have gotten some enlightenment from a book by Brene Brown, "The Gifts of Imperfection," -- in it she pointed out that hope comes from power.  That sounded odd, but, if you think about it, hope for something changing comes from the power to change something.  She credited Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. with the logic.  The more I think about it, the more credit I have to give the idea.

So, as you look at whether there is hope for you and your relationship, ask yourself if there is power.  You will find power to change you, your mind, your attitude, your philosophy.  You simply do not have power to change someone else.  Is what someone else doing controlling the relationship?  Is someone else causing harm?

If so, then you cannot hope to change their part. 

In the traditional sense of the word though, do not give up hope for yourself.  You can survive and thrive as you work though your challenges.  You do have hope (and power) for yourself.

[peacemountain]

Hi Faith. I hear you on the grief. Coming to accept the situation means the death of a lot of things. Of the relationship you've dreamed about. Of the family you've always wanted. Of the love and joy and peace you always thought you'd have. It's ok to mourn that I think. I know I have. A lot. It helps you get to a place where you can accept things for what they are and then move forward in reality with what you will do and how you will live in this place that you never imagined yourself being in. Because there is good here too, living in reality. Yes, my life is not how I would have wanted it, but I'm finding that the more I focus on ME - building my strength and confidence, finding joy in things I love, setting good boundaries, the more hopeful I feel about life.

So take care of YOU. Grieve the loss and don't feel guilty about it. Write away until your heart heals a bit, learn some tools. There is hope for YOU.