Making Sense of Borderline Devaluation and Behaviour After

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have recently been devalued by a uBPD close friend / colleague.  In fact I have gone through 2 cycles within the last year, with silent treatment being the weapon of choice both times.  There was no clear trigger both times and the only commonality was that I had social arrangements made with friends that she also knew.  Silent treatment followed after these social arrangements but these events were so benign in reality that it is hard to believe that would be a trigger.

Just wondering if anyone has experienced similar benign triggers?

When the silent treatment started during the 2nd cycle, a week later she told me that she was having "problems" but she didn't want to talk about it and it had nothing to do with me.  Despite this, she continued giving me silent treatment including giving me the look like I was the devil himself.  She also treated me badly on a couple of occasions following this.  I even tried to reach out recently in the office and she specifically said she still didn't want to talk and asked me to leave.

I'm not too sure what to make of the problem not having anything to do with me but her behaviour saying otherwise.  Anyone gone through this also?

Only the other day I had to send a work email to her to highlight an error she had made.  I wasn't expecting a reply or at the very least a curt reply.  Surprisingly, her reply was very positive where she acknowledged and explained why the mistake was made, said she would rectify it and actually thanked me for pointing it out.  Any other time, I would have not thought twice about the response but it almost seems like things are back to "normal" for her with no hint of acknowledgement of what happened before. 

It is almost like she is living an alternate reality to avoid having to deal with the whole devaluation phase and how she treated me.  I didn't respond to the email btw.  Hoping someone may have thoughts on this too.

The reality is that I am not prepared to go though a third cycle and trying to maintain NC as much as possible in the office.  If there were to be some chance of friendship I would need some acknowledgement of what happened and how she behaved towards me but from what I have read (and I have read a lot), pwBPD are very unlikely to admit fault so I guess that is unlikely to happen.

[tigertwin]

I have recently been devalued by a uBPD close friend / colleague.  In fact I have gone through 2 cycles within the last year, with silent treatment being the weapon of choice both times.  There was no clear trigger both times and the only commonality was that I had social arrangements made with friends that she also knew.  Silent treatment followed after these social arrangements but these events were so benign in reality that it is hard to believe that would be a trigger.

Just wondering if anyone has experienced similar benign triggers?

When the silent treatment started during the 2nd cycle, a week later she told me that she was having "problems" but she didn't want to talk about it and it had nothing to do with me.  Despite this, she continued giving me silent treatment including giving me the look like I was the devil himself.  She also treated me badly on a couple of occasions following this.  I even tried to reach out recently in the office and she specifically said she still didn't want to talk and asked me to leave.

I'm not too sure what to make of the problem not having anything to do with me but her behaviour saying otherwise.  Anyone gone through this also?

Only the other day I had to send a work email to her to highlight an error she had made.  I wasn't expecting a reply or at the very least a curt reply.  Surprisingly, her reply was very positive where she acknowledged and explained why the mistake was made, said she would rectify it and actually thanked me for pointing it out.  Any other time, I would have not thought twice about the response but it almost seems like things are back to "normal" for her with no hint of acknowledgement of what happened before. 

It is almost like she is living an alternate reality to avoid having to deal with the whole devaluation phase and how she treated me.  I didn't respond to the email btw.  Hoping someone may have thoughts on this too.

The reality is that I am not prepared to go though a third cycle and trying to maintain NC as much as possible in the office.  If there were to be some chance of friendship I would need some acknowledgement of what happened and how she behaved towards me but from what I have read (and I have read a lot), pwBPD are very unlikely to admit fault so I guess that is unlikely to happen.

[Meili]

I suspect that you're right, you'll probably not receive any acknowledgment.

I have been through something similar. When my ex and I were trying to get back together, she would dysregulate and rage if I were going to spend time with mutual friends without her. From what I gather, she felt abandoned and rejected by all involved because they wanted to spend time with me without her. It got really ugly a few times... .very painful for me.

The problem was that her reality is/was very different from mine. For her, her feelings are facts. The facts are what form her reality. So, in her mind, she was really being rejected and abandoned. Because she couldn't deal with the pain involved, she would project and rage at me.

You said that you've read about pwBPD, and you seem to know that you'll likely not get an acknowledgment of her treatment. Where does that leave you? Where do you want things to go from here?

[tigertwin]

I'm just trying to make some sense of the whole thing and move on.  I've already been through 2 cycles and there is a clear pattern. 

Her behavior and my own experience seems to match up with what I've read on blogs, articles and forums so I'm sure she has traits of BPD.  Still hard to believe that people like this exist sometimes, especially when she seems to behave quite normally with everyone else.  It almost makes you feel like you've misinterpreted everything... .

The thing is there is no clear severing of the friendship.  Besides treating me badly with passive aggressive behavior, the last thing she said to me was she still doesn't want to talk but gave no reason.  In that respect, it feels like there is no closure.

[Meili]

What would closure look like to you?

I'm also confused about what you meant when you said:

The thing is there is no clear severing of the friendship.

Isn't that something that is in your control if that's what you truly want to do?

[tigertwin]

What would closure look like to you?

Isn't that something that is in your control if that's what you truly want to do?

I suppose there would be some discussion why the friendship ended for closure but it has basically went in a span of two weeks from friends to passive aggressive behavior, silent treatment, telling me that whatever the problems were had nothing to do with me.

I'm trying to find my own closure but it is a process ... .

[Meili]

Yes, it is a process.

I found the closure that I needed by radically accepting the traits that my x exhibited. That was all the explanation that I required.

I knew that she didn't like her emotional outbursts, but that she felt powerless to control them. They were at the heart of the fights and distancing. For to actually explain to me what was going on at a level that would have made me comfortable with happened between us would require her to make herself vulnerable at a level with was extremely uncomfortable for her. Facing herself at that level was not something that she was able to do. I just had to accept that as a reality.

[tigertwin]

I've noticed a number of BPD-ish traits during our friendship: black and white thinking, rage, sudden changes in strong emotions, lack of awareness of boundaries.  Most of the negative traits were not directed at me normally.  It is really the silent treatment during the devaluation stage.

I always wondered if her not wanting to talk to me during the devaluation stage was because it was too difficult to explain to me what was going on (assuming she actually knew herself), and like you say, would make her vunerable at a level that was uncomfortable to her.  Perhaps there is some core shame that she doesn't want to reveal.

I'm trying to accept that perhaps the person I thought I knew (or hoped I knew) is not that person in reality.

[formflier]

would make her vunerable at a level that was uncomfortable to her.  

I think you are close here.  Step it up a notch.

Imagine desperately wanting to be vulnerable with someone... .for them to really "get" you... .you want that more than anything in the world.  Yet... at the same time... you fear that more than anything in the world.

Imagine the turmoil such a situation would create.

Not dismissing core shame at all... .however I think the "symptoms" we see are more likely a result of rapidly swinging from wanting vulnerability to fearing it... .rather than a conscious effort to "hide" a core shame.

Just my opinion.


FF

[tigertwin]

Not dismissing core shame at all... .however I think the "symptoms" we see are more likely a result of rapidly swinging from wanting vulnerability to fearing it... .rather than a conscious effort to "hide" a core shame.

I'm sure there have been a few times she has let her guard down and shown her vulnerable side to me.  Then to go from that to being split black and full guard up! Sigh!