Suggestions to combat isolation?

[Depression = 72% of members]

First post... .so much to say, but let's just take one thing at a time. Let’s talk about how isolating it is to be in relationship with someone with BPD and how to combat that.

Just a quick intro - married almost 3 years. We have three children - 8, 5, 2 (two from previous marriages).

H is un-diagnosed BPD. In talking with my T privately, T is fairly certain that BPD is what we're up against. I was unaware of the BPD until probably 6 mos ago when I stumbled across it in my research on abuse. H will not seek counseling individually or with me under the guise of marriage counseling. H is not aware of BPD nor have I discussed it with him.

Becoming more aware and educating myself (reading multiple BPD books and this site) over the last 6 months has been a game changer for me. And, I think the last two weeks have been the most instrumental. In the last two weeks, after years of ups and downs week to week, feeling like I'm on this rollercoaster with him, I finally came to this realization (I knew this all logically, but it hadn't really CLICKED): H is dealing with a mental illness. Period. It's NOT something I'm doing or not doing, saying or not saying. Yes, we have our really good days, and we have our crisis days. And there is nothing I can do to make it stop. In the middle of the beautiful days, I don't have to walk on eggshells or have a feeling of dread, because YES, it will come to a crashing end, BUT ITS NOT MY FAULT when it does. There is going to be an end of the good periods, just as much as there is going to be an end to the bad ones. I'm sure you've all gone through this revelation before. For me, it was like all of a sudden I stepped off the crazy roller coaster. The dread is alleviated. He can ride the crazy coaster if he wants, but I'm not going to go for the ride. I think it’s called radical acceptance.

Ok, so I could use some help problem solving the isolation issue. Oftentimes I feel like a prisoner in my own home and/or in my own mind. Every time I have an activity scheduled, friend to visit, errand to run, jogging, etc. is a likely trigger for either a rage or 24+hour silent treatment. Throw in a couple of verbal jabs and degradations here and there and you get the picture. Simply put – there’s a price to pay if I want to leave the home for any reason other than work. When it gets really bad, I just want to run away. I find myself limiting my activities to either minimize conflict or to keep the "good days" from becoming bad days. I know this is unhealthy, first because this social outlet is so helpful for restoring me, but also because I'm reinforcing bad behavior. Here are a few areas where it plays out:

1. When I want to go have a glass of wine with a friend at her house - I bring it up and am typically met with "whatever" and instant silent treatment. As soon as I get there, I receive a long text about how horrible I am for putting my friend first and wanting to spend time with her rather than with my husband. If I don't reply, then I get more texts that get more and more degrading towards my character. "I see how it really is. Your friends are more important that your own husband. You're such a hypocrite. How do I even know that you are really are where you say you are." It's impossible to enjoy the visit with my friend and receive this throughout the whole visit. When I return home, I'm greeted with the silent treatment that will last 24-48 hours. Typically he'll sleep on the couch that night. If he does speak, it's a jab here or there. After the silent treatment, all of a sudden it's all fine and it's as if it never happened. Also, it's common for him to interrogate me when I get home... .did you talk about "us"? Meaning did you talk about our marriage and the trouble we're having? If I say no, he interrogates further for details and then he calls me a liar. If I say yes, I needed to bounce some things off my friend and problem solve, then he gets enraged and says I'm disrespecting him. That he's a private person and doesn't want our dirty laundry aired. (Side note: I'm only respectfully transparent with friends that I know will provide helpful counsel - meaning they're not going to tell me to leave, they're going to actively problem solve with me and they want our marriage to succeed. I honestly would not be ashamed to have my husband sitting there listening to the conversation.)

2. When I go for a jog on the weekend while my 2 yr old is napping - About 10 minutes into the run I get a long text with similar verbage to #1. How I'd rather spend my time "finding myself" than being with my husband. Attacks on my character and qualities as a wife. Similar treatment when I return home. Prior to my runs I now ask the following questions. "Would you like to spend some time together while son is napping?" "Would you like to get out for some exercise when son is up?" He answers no to each one. Then I ask "What are you going to do?" "oh just relax" he says. "Ok, are you good with me going for a run?" I ask. Silence. Then "whatever, why are you even asking me?" he says. And yet, I still get the punishment when I get home.

3. He will not allow me to see a therapist. Every time I mention counseling for us, he says no way. I often suggest that I would like to go just for myself. To improve myself. He has forbid this. He says that the T would ruin our marriage. All sorts of excuses about why T are just all crackpots that push divorce. I'm sure you've all heard the excuses. I have a trusted T that I used to see several years ago before I was married. I've seen him twice secretly since we’ve been married. I'd like to see him on a regular basis to help me understand how to better manage this relationship and to gain the skills to keep me from eroding emotionally. When I go down the path of setting up an appointment and letting H know, it turns into a huge rage with him ultimately threatening to end our relationship.

4. Attending my weekly women’s bible study – The study is at 6am, before anyone in my family is awake and it is a huge lift to my spirits. Pretty much essential in order for me to keep my sanity these days. Every Monday night I’ll remind him of my morning study. I’ll get the silent treatment from that point for about 24 hours or abusive texts as soon as I arrive at bible study. Or the other alternative is he’ll wake up when I’m getting ready to leave with a bad dream/panic attack or sick and will need me to stay home. If I don’t agree to stay home then I’m the most horrible unsupportive wife that doesn’t care or respect his needs, or that I’m probably cheating during those 6am escapades. He says my place is at home with my family.

5. Every Sunday is also potential for conflict since I go to church for 2 hours. Similar to #4, it takes away from “family time” or he cleans the house while I’m gone and then accuses me of just using him as my “house b#%ch”.

6. We can never have guests in our home – He’s painted my girl friends black (most days) so it’s not comfortable having them over (plus he would be listening in to everything we discussed). He will not agree to having friends over for dinner (he doesn’t have any friends anymore so we’d be talking about my friends here and their husbands which are typically on the bad list). If they’re not on the bad list, they still can’t come over because their kids will mess the house up.

7. I've become isolated me from my family as well. When I call my parents, he gets irritable and is in a bad mood for the rest of the day. If I talk to my sister on the phone, he tries to listen in or interrogates me about what we discussed (he doesn’t want our dirty laundry aired). When my parents have come to visit, it’s been a complete nightmare. They don’t come anymore. The past three times they’ve visited, after a day or so he will tell me they’re not allowed to come to the house anymore and he refuses to spend any time with them. This means I have to make all sorts of awkward excuses for why he isn’t there AND find a way to entertain and spend time with them at their hotel. They’re not aware of the BPD, and I haven’t told them how bad things are. They think he has an anxiety disorder. In the last two years, we’ve visited them twice and both time it’s ended in meltdown. It starts with him staying in the bedroom all day long and then us urgently having to leave. When I refuse to leave prior to the scheduled day, then a panic attack ensues and extreme verbal abuse. I’ve tried to make arrangements to visit them on my own – he won’t allow me to drive (8 hrs) and there’s always some health crisis or anxiety crisis to prevent me from booking a plane ticket.

In all of these instances, if I stay home, it’s not as though we do anything particularly quality to enhance our relationship. It’s simply my presence he wants. Or perhaps not having me absent is a better way to say it. I’m typically ignored. Or he’s busy with a TV show, video games, or on his phone. We do things together as a family and if we’re on a good day. We’ll likely spend time together after the kids are in bed on a good day. I only say that to clarify that I am hardly ever gone. All my time is spent at home except for work and the times when I do decide to choose the battle to get out of my isolation.

Discussing any of the above or doing any of the above is an almost certain trigger to end a “good stretch”. So I try to choose my battles wisely, and to be honest, I choose NOT to do these things a lot more than I would like. I make my personal phone calls at work to avoid interrogation. I leave work 30 min early once in a while to drop by a friend’s house on the way home so that he doesn’t know I’ve had time with them and I’m home at my usual time. Some obvious egg shell walking going on here.

If it weren’t for the kids, I think I would just go do what I wanted and let the blowups happen all the time. My guess is that eventually, he would stop blowing up or he would leave. But it’s hard to go down that road when I see the effect the tension and the anger has on the kids. I want to keep things peaceful for their sakes. Also, as I’m sure you’ve all experienced, there are a lot of good days too (in the last month I’d say we’re at 50/50). I like to call them clarity days. There’s an acknowledgement on those days from him that the anger needs to be taken care of for the sake of our family, that it’s not me or the kids that are the problem, that the problem is within himself (his own words).

Anyway, if you’re still reading, thank you for listening. I’d appreciate suggestions on how to combat the isolation while possibly avoiding WWIII.

[peacemountain]

First post... .so much to say, but let's just take one thing at a time. Let’s talk about how isolating it is to be in relationship with someone with BPD and how to combat that.

Just a quick intro - married almost 3 years. We have three children - 8, 5, 2 (two from previous marriages).

H is un-diagnosed BPD. In talking with my T privately, T is fairly certain that BPD is what we're up against. I was unaware of the BPD until probably 6 mos ago when I stumbled across it in my research on abuse. H will not seek counseling individually or with me under the guise of marriage counseling. H is not aware of BPD nor have I discussed it with him.

Becoming more aware and educating myself (reading multiple BPD books and this site) over the last 6 months has been a game changer for me. And, I think the last two weeks have been the most instrumental. In the last two weeks, after years of ups and downs week to week, feeling like I'm on this rollercoaster with him, I finally came to this realization (I knew this all logically, but it hadn't really CLICKED): H is dealing with a mental illness. Period. It's NOT something I'm doing or not doing, saying or not saying. Yes, we have our really good days, and we have our crisis days. And there is nothing I can do to make it stop. In the middle of the beautiful days, I don't have to walk on eggshells or have a feeling of dread, because YES, it will come to a crashing end, BUT ITS NOT MY FAULT when it does. There is going to be an end of the good periods, just as much as there is going to be an end to the bad ones. I'm sure you've all gone through this revelation before. For me, it was like all of a sudden I stepped off the crazy roller coaster. The dread is alleviated. He can ride the crazy coaster if he wants, but I'm not going to go for the ride. I think it’s called radical acceptance.

Ok, so I could use some help problem solving the isolation issue. Oftentimes I feel like a prisoner in my own home and/or in my own mind. Every time I have an activity scheduled, friend to visit, errand to run, jogging, etc. is a likely trigger for either a rage or 24+hour silent treatment. Throw in a couple of verbal jabs and degradations here and there and you get the picture. Simply put – there’s a price to pay if I want to leave the home for any reason other than work. When it gets really bad, I just want to run away. I find myself limiting my activities to either minimize conflict or to keep the "good days" from becoming bad days. I know this is unhealthy, first because this social outlet is so helpful for restoring me, but also because I'm reinforcing bad behavior. Here are a few areas where it plays out:

1. When I want to go have a glass of wine with a friend at her house - I bring it up and am typically met with "whatever" and instant silent treatment. As soon as I get there, I receive a long text about how horrible I am for putting my friend first and wanting to spend time with her rather than with my husband. If I don't reply, then I get more texts that get more and more degrading towards my character. "I see how it really is. Your friends are more important that your own husband. You're such a hypocrite. How do I even know that you are really are where you say you are." It's impossible to enjoy the visit with my friend and receive this throughout the whole visit. When I return home, I'm greeted with the silent treatment that will last 24-48 hours. Typically he'll sleep on the couch that night. If he does speak, it's a jab here or there. After the silent treatment, all of a sudden it's all fine and it's as if it never happened. Also, it's common for him to interrogate me when I get home... .did you talk about "us"? Meaning did you talk about our marriage and the trouble we're having? If I say no, he interrogates further for details and then he calls me a liar. If I say yes, I needed to bounce some things off my friend and problem solve, then he gets enraged and says I'm disrespecting him. That he's a private person and doesn't want our dirty laundry aired. (Side note: I'm only respectfully transparent with friends that I know will provide helpful counsel - meaning they're not going to tell me to leave, they're going to actively problem solve with me and they want our marriage to succeed. I honestly would not be ashamed to have my husband sitting there listening to the conversation.)

2. When I go for a jog on the weekend while my 2 yr old is napping - About 10 minutes into the run I get a long text with similar verbage to #1. How I'd rather spend my time "finding myself" than being with my husband. Attacks on my character and qualities as a wife. Similar treatment when I return home. Prior to my runs I now ask the following questions. "Would you like to spend some time together while son is napping?" "Would you like to get out for some exercise when son is up?" He answers no to each one. Then I ask "What are you going to do?" "oh just relax" he says. "Ok, are you good with me going for a run?" I ask. Silence. Then "whatever, why are you even asking me?" he says. And yet, I still get the punishment when I get home.

3. He will not allow me to see a therapist. Every time I mention counseling for us, he says no way. I often suggest that I would like to go just for myself. To improve myself. He has forbid this. He says that the T would ruin our marriage. All sorts of excuses about why T are just all crackpots that push divorce. I'm sure you've all heard the excuses. I have a trusted T that I used to see several years ago before I was married. I've seen him twice secretly since we’ve been married. I'd like to see him on a regular basis to help me understand how to better manage this relationship and to gain the skills to keep me from eroding emotionally. When I go down the path of setting up an appointment and letting H know, it turns into a huge rage with him ultimately threatening to end our relationship.

4. Attending my weekly women’s bible study – The study is at 6am, before anyone in my family is awake and it is a huge lift to my spirits. Pretty much essential in order for me to keep my sanity these days. Every Monday night I’ll remind him of my morning study. I’ll get the silent treatment from that point for about 24 hours or abusive texts as soon as I arrive at bible study. Or the other alternative is he’ll wake up when I’m getting ready to leave with a bad dream/panic attack or sick and will need me to stay home. If I don’t agree to stay home then I’m the most horrible unsupportive wife that doesn’t care or respect his needs, or that I’m probably cheating during those 6am escapades. He says my place is at home with my family.

5. Every Sunday is also potential for conflict since I go to church for 2 hours. Similar to #4, it takes away from “family time” or he cleans the house while I’m gone and then accuses me of just using him as my “house b#%ch”.

6. We can never have guests in our home – He’s painted my girl friends black (most days) so it’s not comfortable having them over (plus he would be listening in to everything we discussed). He will not agree to having friends over for dinner (he doesn’t have any friends anymore so we’d be talking about my friends here and their husbands which are typically on the bad list). If they’re not on the bad list, they still can’t come over because their kids will mess the house up.

7. I've become isolated me from my family as well. When I call my parents, he gets irritable and is in a bad mood for the rest of the day. If I talk to my sister on the phone, he tries to listen in or interrogates me about what we discussed (he doesn’t want our dirty laundry aired). When my parents have come to visit, it’s been a complete nightmare. They don’t come anymore. The past three times they’ve visited, after a day or so he will tell me they’re not allowed to come to the house anymore and he refuses to spend any time with them. This means I have to make all sorts of awkward excuses for why he isn’t there AND find a way to entertain and spend time with them at their hotel. They’re not aware of the BPD, and I haven’t told them how bad things are. They think he has an anxiety disorder. In the last two years, we’ve visited them twice and both time it’s ended in meltdown. It starts with him staying in the bedroom all day long and then us urgently having to leave. When I refuse to leave prior to the scheduled day, then a panic attack ensues and extreme verbal abuse. I’ve tried to make arrangements to visit them on my own – he won’t allow me to drive (8 hrs) and there’s always some health crisis or anxiety crisis to prevent me from booking a plane ticket.

In all of these instances, if I stay home, it’s not as though we do anything particularly quality to enhance our relationship. It’s simply my presence he wants. Or perhaps not having me absent is a better way to say it. I’m typically ignored. Or he’s busy with a TV show, video games, or on his phone. We do things together as a family and if we’re on a good day. We’ll likely spend time together after the kids are in bed on a good day. I only say that to clarify that I am hardly ever gone. All my time is spent at home except for work and the times when I do decide to choose the battle to get out of my isolation.

Discussing any of the above or doing any of the above is an almost certain trigger to end a “good stretch”. So I try to choose my battles wisely, and to be honest, I choose NOT to do these things a lot more than I would like. I make my personal phone calls at work to avoid interrogation. I leave work 30 min early once in a while to drop by a friend’s house on the way home so that he doesn’t know I’ve had time with them and I’m home at my usual time. Some obvious egg shell walking going on here.

If it weren’t for the kids, I think I would just go do what I wanted and let the blowups happen all the time. My guess is that eventually, he would stop blowing up or he would leave. But it’s hard to go down that road when I see the effect the tension and the anger has on the kids. I want to keep things peaceful for their sakes. Also, as I’m sure you’ve all experienced, there are a lot of good days too (in the last month I’d say we’re at 50/50). I like to call them clarity days. There’s an acknowledgement on those days from him that the anger needs to be taken care of for the sake of our family, that it’s not me or the kids that are the problem, that the problem is within himself (his own words).

Anyway, if you’re still reading, thank you for listening. I’d appreciate suggestions on how to combat the isolation while possibly avoiding WWIII.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wrongturn1]

Welcome, peacemountain!  Glad you're here!  (Well, ideally, your husband would not have BPD, and you would have never known about this board... .but I digress.)

That he's a private person and doesn't want our dirty laundry aired.

Classic BPD isolation demands, and this is pretty much the exact same language my uBPDw of 19 years has used with me when I have suggested couples or individual therapy.

I leave work 30 min early once in a while to drop by a friend’s house on the way home so that he doesn’t know I’ve had time with them and I’m home at my usual time. Some obvious egg shell walking going on here.

Taking your personal calls at work is harmless enough eggshell walking, but I'd caution you against stealthily visiting friend's houses.  I've seen instances around here where a BPD spouse planted an audio recorder in the non's purse or put a tracking device on the non's car.  Your husband might do something like that and "catch" you visiting your friend, which of course is a harmless activity, but it could give your BPD spouse an excuse to accuse you for being untrustworthy for years.

If it weren’t for the kids, I think I would just go do what I wanted and let the blowups happen all the time. My guess is that eventually, he would stop blowing up or he would leave. But it’s hard to go down that road when I see the effect the tension and the anger has on the kids. I want to keep things peaceful for their sakes.

Yes, that makes it tough when you have innocent bystanders around who become collateral damage. 

My advice would be to stop accepting abuse.  You can put a boundary against that, and you don't need his permission to do it.  A good place to start would be to turn off your phone when the abusive texts start.

Read up on the "Setting Boundaries" and other topics linked in the right-hand margin of this page for some good advice.  Also, remember, boundaries are criteria that you set for yourself about the types of behaviors you are willing to tolerate - they are not "rules" that you impose on someone else; thus, you have the ability to implement your boundaries without your abuser's permission. 

Along with boundaries against abuse, I find that it's helpful to learn/practice techniques for providing emotional validation to your BPD spouse, which seems to be the spoon-full of sugar that helps the boundaries "medicine" go down.

[Tattered Heart]

Reading your post, I thought I was reading something I could have written a year ago. My uBPHh used to be exactly like this and at times he still is, but it's gotten better.

These situations sound like boundary issue. He is trying to force you to give him attention when you are not around by sending text bombs and isolating you from others. It's SO important that in a relationship with a pwBPD that you don't isolate yourself. If you do, then you can fall into a deep deep depression without much hope at all. Our lives are spent focused on our pwBPD, and to do so without having other people and outlets that have nothing to do with our pwBPD can drive someone insane. Isolation can also lead to a worsening of physical or emotional abuse.

I used to ask for permission to do things. I no longer do that anymore. I dont' say, "Is it ok if... .?" unless the activity directly involves him. Now I say, "I'd like to go to dinner with my girlfriends. Which night works best for you?" He still gets a choice in the matter, but the choice is when, not if.

Have you ever invited him to go jogging with you? Give it try. He'll see that you want to do an activity with him and it might not be so threatening. Once he knows that you aren't trying to escape him, he might not see jogging as an issue.

How do you respond in text when he begins to blow your phone up? I used to respond to every accusation via text and that would just lead to a miserable day. Before responding to a text, I always first look for what I need to validate. That becomes the #1 priority in an accusatory text. If I can validate the correct thing, then the situation will quickly diffuse. If I fail to validate then we go into hours of text rants. Another thing I've done in the past is if he repeatedly sends me angry texts, and I've tried to validate, then I will tell him, "I want to hear what you have to say, but I am in a meeting/bible study/church/or whatever right now. I want to focus on what I'm doing so I will text you when I am done. I love you." And then do not respond again, no matter how much he texts. If necessary, turn the phone off. He is going to get very angry the first few times, but over time, this behavior may decrease if he does not get the response he wants: your attention.

My H also asks me tons of quetions about what I did when out with others. I've learned that my body language makes ALL the difference here. I used to get tense because I knew that he was looking for a reason to accuse me. He would question me about conversations, who was there. So I give him the information he wants ahead of time:
"Friend 1 couldn't make it tonight, but Friends 2-3 were there." I make my interactions sound REALLY boring. I downplay the fun I had, such as saying, "Hi honey. How was your night? I had a nice evening." (instead of saying "I had so much fun!" which makes him think I was up to no good, because you know, fun is bad.  . He will then ask what we talked about. I keep my body tension relaxed because I knew this was coming, so I picked 2-3 of our most boring topics on the way home. A few nights ago, I said we talked about weight loss, Bible reading, and one of my friend's being sick. He has absolutely NO interest in these topics and there is nothing in those topics that he could grab onto to get mad about. Then I kind of mindlessly ramble on just a little about one of those boring topics: "(Friend) just started a new bible plan on how to be a better mom and she is getting so much out of it." He is now looking to escape the conversation because he is bored to tears.

As for therapy. My H also hates the idea of therapy. I can't force him to go, but when I need T, I go to T. When I've gone in the past, I've used the reason of being depressed or anxious and want to get my head straight so I can feel better. This takes away some of the fear that I'm just going to be complaining about him to the T. I would schedule my T appointments during working hours so he could not say T was taking away from time with him. For the first few times I went to T he would ask me what we talked about. I explained my T's psychotherapy model and shared that we talked about my relationship with my parents. Again, I'm focusing on the boring things that will get him to bring his defensiveness down just a bit. It really is essential that you take care of yourself. After awhile, he didn't even know when I had appointments and forgot all about it. Plus my T was teaching me new ways to talk to him so he wasn't escalating as often.

Have you read the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud? This book teaches you what a boundary is, what it's not, and how to develop and enact a boundary for yourself. For me, it was a huge game changer.  

[peacemountain]

Thank you @Wrongturn and @Tatteredheart! So helpful to hear from you... .

I'd caution you against stealthily visiting friend's houses

Yes, I've thought about this catching up to me - somehow him using find my iphone or something to be tracking me. I hate being secretive... .I'm a horrible liar so I don't even try, but if I can avoid the conversation I do. And I agree with you about the "untrustworthy for years" concern. He's very black and white about lying and he doesn't forgive. It becomes so difficult because you want to be transparent but the punishment for transparency is just about as bad as the punishment for deception.

My advice would be to stop accepting abuse.  You can put a boundary against that, and you don't need his permission to do it.  A good place to start would be to turn off your phone when the abusive texts start.

Turning off my phone/not answering his calls or leaving the house for a walk when being verbally abused are extremely triggering to him. These are the times I've been most concerned for my safety and things have escalated out of control. I think perhaps what I'm missing with the implementation of boundaries in these cases is the "spoon full of sugar". I'll work on that. Along with consistency of the boundaries.

How do you respond in text when he begins to blow your phone up? I used to respond to every accusation via text and that would just lead to a miserable day. Before responding to a text, I always first look for what I need to validate.

I've realized that there is no justifying myself or arguing with the accusations. Huge realization and burden lifted. Typically my reply to a verbally abusive text will be along the lines of "I'd love to connect with you and talk about this when I'm back if you'd like. We've agreed that we would not have these discussions via text. Right now I'm going to enjoy this run/visit/etc. I won't be checking my phone while I'm doing that." It could probably use a little more validation to get to the heart of the issue which is typically abandonment. Something like "I'm concerned that you feel that I don't want to spend time with you. I understand how that would feel very hurtful. I would love to spend some time with you this evening and to hear what you have to say. Right now I'm going to enjoy this run/visit/etc. I won't be checking my phone while I'm doing that." Do you think that is validating and yet establishes my boundary? If the abuse continues, I would validate again and then state that I will be turning off my phone until I get home due to the abusive language?

He is now looking to escape the conversation because he is bored to tears.

HAHAHAHA bore him to tears. Got it! I can do that 

And yes, Boundaries is one of the first books I read when I encountered this when I first was married (before even knowing about BPD). I could certainly use a refresher. Specific examples that we're talking about here really help, so thank you for the suggestions.

And yes, I measure my "health" off of my level of depression and hopelessness. The only medicine I've found that truly sustains me is my faith and my friends. I know these are not up for compromise if I'm going to be able to continue, be the mom and wife I need to be, and not regret my life at the end.

Any suggestions on how to draw boundaries for the crises (sickness, panic attack, bad dreams) that just always happen to come up prior to me leaving the house?

[Tattered Heart]

Any suggestions on how to draw boundaries for the crises (sickness, panic attack, bad dreams) that just always happen to come up prior to me leaving the house?
[/quote]

Therapy really helps with this but if that's not possible right now, perhaps reminding yourself over and over that you are not doing anything wrong when you leave the house. That it's normal to go hang out with friends, go to a bible study, or go for s run. Remind yourself that since you aren't doing wrong that you have nothing to apologize for and no matter how he reacts, you still aren't wrong. And even more reminding yourself that you have the strength and courage to honor yourself. Maybe some mindfulness techniques could help with the anxiety.

[peacemountain]

Tuesday mornings are my day for bible study. As expected, H comes into the bedroom last night as we were getting ready for bed and says "I take it you're planning on going to bible study tomorrow morning." (Insert disapproving tone). I said yes I am (keeping it light, not going to get defensive). He puts in headphones and proceeds to initiate the silent treatment. Earlier in the evening he had mentioned wanting to spend some time together after the kids were asleep so I brought that up, but just got ignored. After a while, he left presumably to sleep on the sofa.

I laid there for a long time. Talking myself through it all. This is important to me. I can't become isolated. Having friends and a spiritual outlet like this is essential to me being the woman, wife, and mother that my family needs. Limits will not be perceived well at first, but eventually, with consistency, they will be accepted.

After I talked myself through all this, I reached a point where I felt confident and strong in the decision I was making. No guilt, no fear. So I went out to check on my husband. I said, I'm sensing that you're upset that I've decided to attend bible study tomorrow morning. Would you like to talk about it?

He brought up the fact that he had been having a bad time with his anxiety for the last 24 hours and that he needed me here to support him. He told me that by being gone for 90 min (btw, this is before anyone in our home is awake in the morning) was proof to him that my priorities were elsewhere. He said I'm leaving all the responsibility to him to take care of the kids (I'm always home before they're awake). He closed it off by saying that he doesn't need me and that he'll find another way to deal with things without me.

This would have been very triggering to me in the past. First because, one of my key values is taking care of my family and providing support, assurance, and love. But, I saw this for what it was, a huge guilt and obligation trip. It wasn't grounded in anything, since from early that morning and throughout the day I had been supporting him in this latest bout with anxiety - texting messages of care and concern, problem solving, encouraging, and even coming home a bit early to give him a break with some of the evening responsibilities. It's also important to note that probably 70% of the time, there is a "crisis" on his part that takes place as I'm getting ready to head out for the morning study. It could be him feeling high anxiety, a bad dream, sickness, etc. There's always a reason I shouldn't go because I need to be attending to his needs.

My response was to try to validate first. Acknowledge that he had been fighting the anxiety, that it was hard and that I'm here to support him. That I believe in him and his ability to come through. Then I said, "I also know that there are some things you value in me, things you've told me in the past are essential to our family and our relationship. My strength, kindness, and ability to navigate challenging situations with grace and forgiveness just to name a few. These qualities don't just happen, they require an investment, and time spent building myself. Bible study, church, time with friends, these are all ways I build into myself so that I can be the person I'm meant to be and the wife and mother you and the kids need. By prioritizing my care, I'm making my family a priority as well."

On the plus side, this was one of the first times, I've been able to explain my rationale without being interrupted. I'll attribute getting that far to the validation. Unfortunately, it was clear he didn't "hear" me. His response "fine, tell yourself what you need to in order to make yourself feel better for not supporting me. I'll find another way to take care of myself". And then he left the room.

I left it at that. Didn't get much sleep last night, just processing it all. Not really feeling guilty, but more just disappointed that I'm in a relationship where my needs are not valued. And reminding myself that my needs are important.

So now, I'm getting full on silent treatment. "punishment" for making this decision. My question is... .where do I go from here? When he's done with the silent treatment and decides to go back to "normal" it's typically so random. He almost acts as if it never happened. What should I do? Should I address the silent treatment? Should I discuss the conflict we had?