Ex monkey branched and now missing me and depressed after 2 months

[BlissfulHeart]

Long story short:

My ex "monkey branched" on me; she's a textbook case of undiagnosed quite BPD she’s highly functional and aware of her mixed emotions.

She left our 5-year relationship due to depression and emptiness , she recently texted me after 2.5 months , saying she misses me and is feeling numb, sad, and depressed.

I’ve been maintaining No Contact (NC), which she doesn't like. I want to get her back and indirectly help her understand what she's going through by encouraging her to see a therapist. I think she's still with my replacement but says she’s missing my company / talks , her love for me is still there and apologized a lot during our call.

In the future, if she asks to get back together and agrees to certain conditions, I might consider trying the relationship again; otherwise, I won't, but I still care about her.

Now my question is:

Is this sign to rekindle the relationship?

Should I offer a bit of support and maintain Low Contact, or should I continue with No Contact? I plan to keep my boundaries, prioritize my mental health, and pull back if needed.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BlissfulHeart]

Also i want to mention that i am on a self healing journey with CBT courses and some codependency courses. I feel detached now and i am functioning normally

[Skip]

In the future, if she asks to get back together and agrees to certain conditions, I might consider trying the relationship again; otherwise, I won't, but I still care about her.

Worst case: She is still with the other guy, so this could just be the two of them in a low spot with her reaching out for some validation and assurances to continue on.

Medium case: She is still with the other guy, and its coming to an end and she may be looking for an emotional soft landing.

Best case: Its coming to an end because she has realized that your relationship with her was better.

Is she remorseful and willing to agree to conditions? That's less likely.

I think what needs to be learned/understood is whether she is ready to leave. Is this happening? Or is it an idea? If its the latter, you probably want to be upbeat but stay out of her drama. Wait.

If she is leaving, you could go back in a courting situation to see if you can build a new relationship, hopefully change some of the problems of the past. During that courting, you need to be very observant as to whether it's a serious return to you, or if she is just needing emotional recovery from the current relationship. Rebounds are notoriously problematic. 2.5 months is not that long, however.

I never liked the term "monkey branch" or "replacement" because I think they are misleading to us. I could say you monkey branched from your marriage and she was your wife's replacement. Seems silly because that implies your ex-wife is the center-point in your life now. It certainly doesn't describe the complex dynamics that lead to you leaving your marriage or your mental state now.

I say this because, this is also true with your ex of 2.5 months. If it is a serious return, do you think the past dynamics (both how you two came together, how it ended, and how her current relationship is progressing) support enough substance to build a long term relationship?

Skip

[BlissfulHeart]

Thank you for the reply, Skip. it means a lot. Sorry about the term and any misunderstanding. English is not my first language. I tried to keep it short and provide the relevant information. All these terms are new to me, and I'm not sure what's considered fair use. (Also, to add to my story she was texting this new person at the time and broke up with me before meeting him.)

I'm not sure if she's ready to leave him or not, as I didn’t ask about their relationship or how things are going. She tried to communicate for a month now and I was dry texting her and did not give any room to continue the conversation, a few days back she started by asking, 'When did you start to hate me?' I said I didn’t hate her, and then she mentioned that she feels low , empty. She kept saying that she misses my company and that her love for me remains the same. I remained neutral and didn’t mention that I miss her or love her.

She left our relationship because we couldn’t get married or be public due to social restrictions, and she thought getting married would fix her issues. I guess she felt our relationship conditions made her unhappy/empty, and that’s the reason she chose to leave. I usually stayed neutral, and I could manage her emotions even without knowing about BPD when we were in the relationship. we rarely had fights or even arguments ( but she had all the 9 symptoms of Quite BPD, that's why I suspect BPD traits)
(She said she still loves me and cried when we broke up, saying it was the hardest decision of her life.) She's unaware of potential BPD traits, and I only learned about BPD after the breakup.
I’m not really sure what's the best way to go forward now , if I should provide her with some emotional support (she asked for it, as she's feeling very low and said that talking to me helped, I do care about her and asked about her moods few times ) so now not really sure if I  should just maintain no/low contact again.
I told her I would put myself first and i am not ready to expose myself to feel low again.
Just looking for advice on  what’s the best way to get her back /  in a position where we can come to discuss terms for a new relationship .
 

[Pook075]

Just looking for advice on  what’s the best way to get her back /  in a position where we can come to discuss terms for a new relationship.  

Hey Blissful.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The advice you're looking for is something you already know; the only way to get her back is to start having conversations once again.  But at the same time, you want to do that with the understanding that:

1) She's mentally ill and refuses treatment
2) She has abandonment issues and will likely be unpredictable
3) She might not want a real relationship

If you can accept those three things, and I mean really take them to heart and understand that your words or actions can't "cure" mental illness, then you should reach out to her and begin conversations.  There's some unwritten rules for that as well though:

1) Don't talk about past mistakes (by you or her)
2) Don't judge her or demand an apology (you'll never get it and she'll run)
3) Do let her know that you care and want what's best for her

Many BPD relationships recycle over and over again because the three things above are ignored.  She wants to feel safe and supported, especially when she's off the rails, or the relationship will never work.  In short, she gets scared and runs.  So the whole goal here is just to rebuild trust and understanding between the two of you....without dredging up the past and who did what.

Make sense?

[BlissfulHeart]

Thank you so much for the advice, Pook. You guys are amazing, and this forum has been a huge help to me.

I wanted to mention that she always said something felt wrong with her. She had therapy in the past for depression, but no specific diagnosis was made. At the time, none of us were aware of her BPD traits. I only recognized the patterns after the breakup (she displays all nine behaviors). She used to ask me what was wrong with her, and now that I have more insight, I might be able to help explain her behavior. If I can guide her to a therapist who specializes in BPD, there may be some positive developments. However, I know this is a delicate conversation, and I’m unsure when or how to approach it without being too direct.

I completely agree with your second and third points—thanks for the reminder.

As for the first and second points, it seems like she’s somewhat self-aware of her actions (but keeps repeating it). She apologized, cried, admitted to betraying me, and asked for forgiveness. I reassured her that I wasn’t judging her and trying not to enable her behaviour and have my boundaries (Though I’m cautious about potential manipulation, so I’m taking it with a grain of salt.)

I am not even sure if I need her anymore (just confused as I care about her and part of me still loves her so much ), trying my best to stay away from the drama.

also , It’s been really helpful to share here and get everyone’s feedback. I feel fortunate to have access to this community, and it means a lot to me.

Thanks again!

[Pook075]

She used to ask me what was wrong with her, and now that I have more insight, I might be able to help explain her behavior. If I can guide her to a therapist who specializes in BPD, there may be some positive developments. However, I know this is a delicate conversation, and I’m unsure when or how to approach it without being too direct.

Many of us had the same thoughts and in 100% of the scenarios, it ended very very badly.

Think about it.  If I come to you and say, "Hey Blissful, I finally figured out what's wrong with our relationship!  You have a serious mental illness, let me tell you about it...."

What she hears through a BPD lens is, "You're crazy and everything is your fault!"

If you want to help, suggest counseling and allow a professional to make a proper assessment.  Or even her primary care provider....my doctor unofficially diagnosed my daughter at 15 (and ironically, my ex-wife 8 years later).  It's just not a topic you can bring up to her directly.

As far as if you need her back, that's something only you can decide.  Like I said in the prior post though, just make sure you reach out with your eyes wide open.  That means healthy boundaries and a plan for when things go sideways.  That means being compassionate...even when you're not seeing much compassion from her.  It's a tough call and it will always be a relationship with challenges, but how you respond and care for her plays a massive part as well.

Just keep talking this out and you'll get there.