Trying to move on after separation

[blueblue12]

Raul
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Need to move on after my BPD wife left me
« on: February 07, 2017, 07:23:42 AM »
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Here is my story. Met this wonderful younger girl while I was married, she was the master seducer who made you feel like you never quite lived before, everything was amazing and she made sure to please at all times. I procrastinated for a long, long time (years) as I wasn't 100% sure, she was great but needed lots of attention. In the meantime it was on and off and she had her share of others which I took upon as my fault as I wasn't making any decisions. Years went by in which we kept it alive somehow then I decided to make the move. When I did she was going out with some loser that soon became a crazy stalker so we had to deal with that for quite sometime. I just couldn't believe the type of idiots this seemingly beautiful and intelligent woman would go out with! I could never really inderstand it. And I felt it was my fault as I made her wait.

This created many issues at the start of our relationship. We also had many arguments that would turn violent from her side, actually extremely violent and if I threatened to leave she would go into panic mode, anxiety attacks and rage against me for trying to abandon her. This went on for years on and off. She also didn't like my son who was 11 at the time as in her mind I loved him more then her, she didn't get the love a father may have on his son. This took me on a whirlwind of arguments quite aggressive over years and years. I never really understood her condition and just put up with it. I did not know about BPD until very recently.

Her loving character, the sex, the master seducer then suddenly fizzled out and our relationship which turn into a marriage eventually continued but slowly deteriorating. The things she used to love suddenly she was not into anymore, specially in the sex area. A lot of it disappeared. The sex became a chore she did on occasions and completely controlled by her but it lost all its intimacy. She was extremely hard work and all the things you would do would actually never fix anything really, it was great for a day, then all forgotten. Then you had to find something else to please her, never really satisfied. We bought a house, but as she didn't work much it all became my problem, solo financial problems, she did have her money which she would spend to go out and party a lot to expensive restaurants and bars with her girlfriends though! Extremely irresponsible. I became the enabler and the person that would look after her. That was my life.

We travelled a lot denting the house loan and seemingly had a good life together, well that's what I thought. We did try to have a child but it did not take place despite several diverse attempts, none which had to do with me, but somehow she took that out on me at the end as well, like maybe there were 'forces against us'. I was too grounded for that so I did not take those assumptions to heart.

I was extremely supportive here. I envisage we were to be together for ever. So I did a lot to support and develop her artistic side. The relationship lasted around 9 years with the last one being the year from hell. She suddenly turned on me completely and told me we were done. The trouble is we still lived together for the rest of the year in this terrible environment. Lots of arguments, many times out of nowhere. She was always great at involving me in any argument by triggering points she knew I would respond to and continue until it triggered anger and some response. She was the master of that. Awful stuff.

The last year together she started to go out more and more and ignored completely while at home. She would sleep in the spare room often. I would be trying to be ultra nice as I felt that perhaps my controlling ways of old or past jealous insecurities had to do with her change of heart in our marriage. I started to fear my life as I did not want to split with her so I would be walking on egg shells all day long trying to not upset her. She would ignore me all day long. She would be on the phone all the time having a great time, talking, laughing, but with me nothing. Silent treatment all day long. If we had to drive somewhere it was excruciating, eery silence. I felt like screaming, it was torture.

I started to see a counsellor who told me she sounds like a strong case of borderline. He advised me to call it and leave as the pain and torture she was putting me through was not worth it to my health and well being. I kept trying to heal things as I didn't want the marriage to collapse, I was naive and too good really. Meanwhile she was seeing a counsellor herself, plus also card readers, spiritual healers, etc... .in the meantime our life was hell. She then coldly announced that we were done, that she was not in love with me, that I was not her lover that we were not in a relationship, that we should sell the house and move on. And she kept going out staying nights out, at "her mothers" she would tell me! Or she would resort to "you don't control me, you don't need to ask, you are not my father."

Meanwhile we still lived together and I would cook, pay bills and at times she would be sweet, others cold as ice. As the house was going on sale she organised to go on a trip to a conference and left me with the issues of the impending house sale. I was devastated. Towards the end of her stay in the house she became quite sweet again, wanted me to sleep in the same bed and became softer. She cried and had an anxiety attack, wondering how she was going to get on that plane in a few days time!

I was left alone with the dog and went through the house sale. Soon after I packed all my bits and left the house while she was still away (she ended up going away for six weeks). We were in constant text communication while she was away, she kept telling how much she missed me, she loved me and adored me, but never in regards to reconciling, just lies to keep me hanging. In the meantime while cleaning around the house and moving her car out of the drive away I found a note from someone she had obviously been developing a relationship with for quite sometime unbeknown to me. I knew it! And this is after so many arguments where she had declared that I was so insecure that she was so faithful, etc. that I didn't trust her that I didn't know what a good woman I had! now I am thinking I wonder how many times she might have done this over the years.

I left the house, didn't say anything about what I have found but I wrote her a long goodbye note which I sent as a text. As soon as I did this, the panic came back with her writing notes to me like "please don't do this, I am crying and crying while reading your note, please don't say goodbye" she even got her mum to call me... .what the heck!

I was extremely sad about the breakup but the lack of loyalty makes it so final, how could she do this when I was completely devoted to her for years and years and supported and encouraged her in every way? She actually got a lot of mileage out of me, even in getting recognition, but I was never really thanked properly for all I did. Maybe one day she will realise how good I was to her.

I was so blinded by her and I was waiting for the initial times to come back, they never did, now it's too late and I am not in touch anymore and away on my own trip. After reading so many articles, I realise is the same trait. She is definitely borderline and the best thing I can do is nc, disappear and never allow her near me again. It's hard when it's someone who loved dearly and were in your life for over a decade, leaves you just like that. I think I understand the cycle idealisation, devaluation and the discardment as it fits into what happened to me.  Terrible feeling... .

[joeramabeme]

Hi Raul

Welcome to BPD Family, sorry to hear about what you are struggling with but it sounds like you have been doing some reading and know there are others that share a similar story.  I was in a 11-year marriage that had the same idealize-->devalue cycle.  It is very difficult and confusing.

How long has it been since you have been away from her?  Do you have any close friends that you can talk with about all of this?

JRB

[blueblue12]

Hey JRB,
Thanks for writing. I haven't seeing my ex for two months now, one month nc at all. It's hard I have to admit I think about her every passing day. Most of the day. I dream about her most nights. I don't know how long it will take me to be free. I see a counsellor and I read a lot. We were so close, except for the last year where it turned and she was extremely detached, it was horrible. Please tell me more about your experiences... .11 years? People seem to have problems even if it is 8 months! Tough when you recognise the traits. At first I blame myself for the breakup, as she said "you are too controlling, too jealous" etc... .but since reading I realised that that was the excuse, but I was never going to be able to fix this, it was doomed regardless, I was by then 'discarded' and no matter what, I was done with!

[joeramabeme]

Raul - Glad that you have placed some time between the two of you, often this is what is required to get a clear perspective and it is a perspective that is able to change - unlike when we feel locked in these r/s' and nothing feels like it will ever change.

It has been 1.5 years since she moved out.  I still think about her, but not as often and with less intensity of emotion confusion and sadness.  I am not sure if there is a "finish line" where you no longer think about what you had together, it is more of a gradual dissipation and acceptance. 

Many of us here blame ourselves for what happened and the ending of the r/s.  pwBPD frequently blame others for the problems going on around them and so if you are like me, you are predisposed to accept the blame and then try to figure out how to recalibrate/adjust/modify and alter in an attempt to "fix" the problems.  I found that there were things about myself that I wanted and needed to "fix".  While this may be an honorable and productive trait in other r/s', in the context of a BPD r/s it can be a liability.

Ultimately, the discard feels like a rejection of all the effort put into the marriage/relationship to make it successful.  Weird to find out that none of what I was doing had any lasting impact on her feelings about whether we were making progress or if I was loyal and trustworthy or even loved her.  This is how my own issues became enmeshed with her.

We can never "fix" anyone else and in a strange sort of way, my changing myself to please her was a form of reverse manipulation.  Not that I wasn't being genuine, I was, but my intentions became aligned with trying to prove to her that I really did/was fill in the blank (responsible,committed, loving, trustworthy etc... .)

Is any of this like your experiences?

[blueblue12]

Exactly the same. The last year I was blamed for everything, "too controlling, jealous, you don't trust me" etc... .I went to therapy and worked on issues I had. But at the end, when I worked it out, it took me 10 years to work this out and to learn about BPD, I had no idea, I am clear that our time together went exactly though all the BPD cycles and at the end I was not dealing with someone that would employ logic to work out issues, I could not do anything about it. The sad thing is though that I spent all year trying and trying to work things out while she treated me worse and worse every passing day!

She even said things like "I can't believe where things are at, we are meant to be to be together forever" while she was breaking and ruining the relationship. It was really crazy, not logical at all. And when had so much going on, apart from our relationship, we had artistic projects together, we travelled a lot, we had what I thought was a pretty good life. But as I see it now it was always tough, I had to do new things every day in order to keep her happy in a new way. There was always something that made her feel down that I had to fix or help her with.

I also enabled her in many areas including financially, she was extremely irresponsible and I basically looked after her for years. It was weird. Then when she would lose it I was the worst person in the world, a monster. The parents were bad, the brother was bad and I was bad, that is how she would put it. It was exhausting, bu I would hang in there and try and fix it, addictive to the core for me. Now that I am afar, I can see the issues. She would also kick fights with everyone, she had so many fall outs. It was always weird for me to witness.