First Post: Can't believe it took me so long to find BPDFamily, need support

[WantToHeal]

What an amazing community, thank you to everyone.  I just found you a few days ago and have been devouring the content.

I'm trying to start my path to heal and just learning about the commonalities and massive blast radius of relationships with pwBPD.

I've been married twice both with kids and I'm realizing just now my first wife may have been a quiet pwBPD and my current wife is more impulsive/petulant.

I've recently been assaulted for the 2nd time where my life was in jeopardy during a BPD rage episode.  The first time was 5 years ago.  DV has not been a frequent occurrence.  I consider it a manageable crisis as we have a family safety plan in place with our therapist.

There's so much I'd like to share, but I'm seriously concerned about this information being publicly available and wanted to know if there are members comfortable with direct communication to help me, or of organizations well versed in BPD relationships.

My ultimate goal is to disentangle, heal, and work on myself as to not be susceptible in the future so I can be the best person and father to my children I can be.

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

The shame is crippling and I have a difficult time accepting I've been a victim, because I always think there's something I could have done.

I am also open to any and all suggestions I may not have thought of.

[Pook075]

Hey WantToHeal and welcome, I'm sorry we're meeting under these circumstances but welcome to the Family!

First off, can you give us a few clarifications- the two assaults (recently and 5 years ago), were they both from your current wife?  And are you currently still living together?

Also, let me put your mind at ease here since we're all anonymous and the site is monitored pretty heavily for any identifying information that a spouse or someone else can find.  That's why we don't use names, detailed locations, etc. 

The staff here has been trained to keep everything on the forums since so many people find help from seemingly random threads; unfortunately, people with BPD tend to follow very similar patterns.  Some situations are certainly more mild or extreme, but that's what makes us a family in the first place.  We're all in this together.

With that said, you can always message a staff member that's online if there's an emergency situation and we'll do our best to help.  Just know that we're volunteers and not licensed experts.

In terms of the shame you're dealing with, let me ask a quick question.  Would you feel shame for not being able to repair a nuclear submarine?  Or not discovering the cure to cancer?  Because that's what you're dealing with here, beating yourself up for not being able to figure out how a person with mental illness thinks or reacts. 

We've all been there and we all came up short, which is why the first step in healing is realizing that this is not your fault and there's nothing you could have done differently (other than picking a different spouse) to avoid this.  People w/ BPD are the most loving in the world when things are good, which is why we all chose the people we chose.

That's not on you, and honestly it's not on her.  She's sick and can't help it.  You didn't realize what you were signing up for.

Others will chime in soon enough, and feel free to share as little or as much as you feel comfortable with.

[WantToHeal]

Thank you Pook075.

Yes the two assaults were by the same wife.  We have a Family Safety Plan in place with our marriage therapist that is working to keep us physically away from each other while living in the same home and taking care of the kids.

I get an error message when I try and view anyones profile or use the New Message button in the Pvt Mail section saying I'm not allowed.

I wouldn't feel shame, but would feel like if I had made that my career and academic choice I could perhaps meaningfully contribute.  Feelings of not living up to my potential has been an issue my whole life (I'm about 50).

Understood on volunteers vs. experts.

I can't shake the feeling that I absolutely could have made different choices and find it impossible to absolve myself completely.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you Pook075.

Yes the two assaults were by the same wife.  We have a Family Safety Plan in place with our marriage therapist that is working to keep us physically away from each other while living in the same home and taking care of the kids.

I get an error message when I try and view anyones profile or use the New Message button in the Pvt Mail section saying I'm not allowed.

I wouldn't feel shame, but would feel like if I had made that my career and academic choice I could perhaps meaningfully contribute.  Feelings of not living up to my potential has been an issue my whole life (I'm about 50).

Understood on volunteers vs. experts.

I can't shake the feeling that I absolutely could have made different choices and find it impossible to absolve myself completely.

Welcome to the fam my friend. 

So as to not put too much pressure on yourself I don't think I would place my focus on absolving yourself. Instead, fresh perspective. You are where you are at now. Okay, everything up to this point is the past. That doesn't mean it is who you are now.

Also, instead of looking at your age as a detractor look at it as an advantage...you do have wisdom and experience on your side. So now place the focus on living the life you want to live. It doesn't matter that you could have made different choices...hey newsflash we all could have and it is ultimately irrelevant. Why do I say that?

It is in the past and you cannot change anything but only learn from it. Just don't repeat the same mistakes and patterns or the past becomes your present and future. You can only focus on the now, the what is, and the what is to come in the future.

Honestly my friend I understand how you feel quite well and it may take a while to get to where I am at, but I think as time goes on you will get to the point where you do not waste time on thinking about the what could have been. Hey I could have been a professional athlete, I could have continued being a personal trainer, etc. I chose not to and don't have any regrets about it because I probably wouldn't have been happy. I focus on ME now and what I want to accomplish. How about we work on getting you to the point?

For starters...what you are going to do now...start living up to your potential and start making yourself a priority. Your book has many new chapters to be written so how about those next chapters make the story engrossing, captivating, and compelling?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[HoratioX]

BPD is already scary -- throw violence into the mix, and it's a powder keg. My ex got a violent a couple times. Nothing rising to the level where I truly felt my safety was at risk, but one time -- somewhat playfully at first but then like she meant it -- she struck me enough times in the chest to leave deep bruises the next morning. I actually took pics -- not because I thought I would report it but because on an instinctive level, something told me she could very easily turn the situation around and say that I had hit her. I felt that way because it was clear to me she had lied more than once to me, and when you're dealing with someone like that, you never quite know what they're capable of. Therefore, I'd suggest that if violence is in the mix, you seriously consider both documenting everything and getting away. There's no shame in that. Violence is violence. Protecting yourself and your children (and in its own way, her) is the priority. You might discuss this further with a therapist.

[Pook075]

Honestly my friend I understand how you feel quite well and it may take a while to get to where I am at, but I think as time goes on you will get to the point where you do not waste time on thinking about the what could have been.

I was going to say the exact same thing- we can't change the past, but we are in full control of the present and the future.  The decisions you make today will prepare you for an entirely different life weeks, months, and years from now, so it's important to stop looking backwards.

Were there lessons there to learn from?  Absolutely.  But that doesn't mean it should ever be your focus.  We all make mistakes and we can either allow it to cripple us, or we can grow and evolve.  

A little bit of my story, I'm 51 and ended a long marriage about two years ago when my wife was unfaithful and left.  At first, it felt like my life was over, I was riddled with guilt, and I had no idea how to move forward.  In other words, I was stuck and in the same negative thought loop you're stuck in....what if this, what if that?

It took me a few months to realize that I was torturing myself for absolutely no reason.

Once I made a mindset shift, I was able to start living my life again by my own terms.  That meant old friends and hobbies, getting back into church, and figuring out what really mattered to me.  I had to fake it until I made it for a bit, because like you I wasn't okay.  But in time the pain and memories faded....my perspective also changed.

I remarried three months ago and have a wife that literally smothers me with love and affection.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "This is what marriage is with someone who loves me for me?!?"  Because I've never experienced this before and never could have imagined being this close to the love of my life.  We do fight at times like normal couples, but we also forgive each other quickly and then laugh about it within a few hours.

Where you're at today is not where you'll always be.  Again, the key to taking your first step forward is forgiving yourself and realizing that mental health is bigger than you...there's not enough "what if's" in the world to rationalize what you've been through.  There is healing though once you're ready to let go of the past and focus on your needs for today.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi WantToHeal-

Welcome to our site.

I am so sorry for what you’ve been through and are going through. 

Being subjected to physical violence, not to mention emotional and verbal abuse by the person who is supposed to provide you with love, safety, compassion and companionship is an indescribable feeling of almost daily betrayal.  We just don’t know how to assign words to it while it’s taking place.  Everyday just feels harder to breathe.  I’m sorry to say that I know this the way you do.

And I’ve finally arrived at the point where I can say without hesitation that the “shame” is not mine to hold.  It is his.  And his.  In your case my friend, the shame for her actions is hers to hold, not yours.

I also was in two LT relationships with disordered partners.  In time I believe you will come to understand that the shame is not yours to hold.  I finally reached this milestone through hard work in my therapy, reading here, writing to myself, forgiving myself (you HAVE to forgive yourself); and understanding that disordered people ARE in fact responsible for their behavior and cruelty.  These people are largely adults, mental illness or not.  They know right from wrong.  They have more recognition of their actions than they admit (most of the time).

Could I or any of us have done things differently in these relationships?  Of course…I’m a pretty intelligent person.  I could have left at the first sign(s) that something was amiss, at the first RAGE incident. But I didn’t.  Water under the bridge.  So we just have to let that be… which implies there is nothing to be done on that front.  That IS where the past is the past.  We do NOT need to repeat it.

Are ANY of us born with the knowledge or skill sets /communication tools recommended on this site to “maybe” improve things in our relationships?  No.  Learning to utilize the communication tools was, at least to me, like learning another foreign language.  And I learned them and used them constantly.  That didn’t matter in my case, but the tools help in my family relationships.

I am 66 years old and I still carry and hold tight to words that my beloved dad said to me when I was 22 years old and I was crying my eyes out.  He wanted to solve my sadness.  My dad thought he knew the reason for my tears, but he had it backwards.  His words still meant the world to me… he said “Gems, you don’t have to feel like this…”. It turns out he was right.  He has always been right.

And I’m telling you… you don’t have to feel like this.  Not forever. 

My guess is that some of the voices that are criticizing you are not your own voices.  Could that be correct?  Maybe you can write to yourself , or us, about that.

I do understand the thought of not having reached my career potential.  I allowed my relationships to get in the way of that.  That’s okay.  I can find the joy in other areas.  So can you.  Please write it out when you can.  You can tell us where you are in life and what you want.

I believe when we have to spend so much of our time and emotional energy trying to keep a “peaceful” home and trying to manage an unmanageable “other”, we forget who we are.  It happens.  Part of your healing, I believe, is to really learn who you are, who you WANT to be.  Take your time and be patient with yourself.

I’m sorry this is so long…

Regarding the violence… again I am so so sorry… have you spoken to a DV hotline in your area?  Is there a record of the event(s) with the police?  I’m wondering if calling a hotline can perhaps give you one on one attention and advice and maybe lead you to a men’s group where you can share experiences with others who’ve gone through what you have.  Or maybe there’s an online group?  This could help you.  When I went through the experience, I hid everything.  It was a bad decision that did not serve me well.  I think men likely have more layered feelings on DV.

Re: private messages.  I’m not sure, but it may be that the private messaging function kicks in after a member has posted a certain number of messages.  Again, I’m not sure.  I do think that the consensus is that all members here greatly benefit when open discussion is held.  We all learn from one another’s experiences.

Finally, for your privacy at home, be sure to delete your search history.

I really hope you will feel comfortable to come back and share whatever it is you’re feeling or thinking.  Healing is a process and it’s so important to give yourself even a fraction of the grace and patience I am certain that you provide to others.  If you can start there, and begin to believe you deserve at least that, eventually you will begin to trust yourself.  And you will forgive yourself.  You don’t have to feel like this…

We are here for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[WantToHeal]

Thanks all.  I'm on my way to a friends and don't have long to respond now.

Yes, I've called the National DV hotline and was so busy, basically disconnected.  Also called local, and did interact with person there as well.

I hear the support of not defining me and the past is the past.  I think I'm in decent shape there.  Divorce not my first rodeo, along with being along for ride with current wife and emergency PFAs, custody, etc.  I've read Eddy along with quite a few other books in the past.

I have a therapist and also marriage therapist as well, and attorney.  I'm conflicted with what I've learned on my spiritual journey and assertive legal actions.  In reading all of this I realize I don't think any amount of disclosure would make the answer obvious because uBPD is unpredictable.

The insight from a post I read from Becker fear book (which I read that chapter) re TRO of 1). Will they follow and 2) Will you report infractions, helped me along my decision process, but none made yet.

Again, thanks for the kind words and support.  Just knowing I'm not alone and there are people that have been through similar experiences.

[kells76]

Hi WantToHeal and a warm

Glad you found us and are getting some support right now. These are high-octane, nonstandard breakups, and boilerplate advice doesn't really cut it. In addition to this board (Detaching), which focuses on your personal inner work in exiting a BPD relationship, we also have our Conflicted, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting board -- the focus there is more on the legal process, so please feel free to check that one out too. There's probably decades if not centuries worth of "been there done that" advice there.

How old are the kids you share with your current wife? How are they doing with the situation right now?

Have you let your family T (the one managing the DV safety plan) know about what's going on?

I also had better luck with a local DV hotline vs national hotlines. What I appreciate about the local hotlines is that if there are state/county/city local legal considerations, they can help you understand those specifically. For example, "mandatory arrest" laws differ by state. Better to know about those ahead of time.

What did your local hotline suggest for your situation?

I'm seriously concerned about this information being publicly available and wanted to know if there are members comfortable with direct communication to help me, or of organizations well versed in BPD relationships.

Most members are concerned about this when starting out here. I get it.

I've had numerous extremely, uh, unique things happen over the years due to my H's kids' mom (uBPD) and her husband (uNPD). She is Very Online but has not found this place, and it's been nearly a decade. That's because I don't use shared devices, I don't tell her about it, I don't tell others who could tell her about it, I don't use real names or nicknames, or specific locations, and I don't use a username here that I use anywhere else. The most common reasons for the fraction of a percent of members being found here are: the member left the site open and logged in on a shared device, the member "dropped hints" to the pwBPD due to secretly wanting the pwBPD (usually a spouse/partner) to find the site and read the posts, or the member used an identical or very similar user name to another site.

If you're not doing those things, you'll be fine.

When in doubt, type out your post, copy it to a Notepad or Sticky app instead of posting, sleep on it, and check in with yourself the next day.

You can also ask staff if you have concerns about content being a privacy/confidentiality issue.

Feel free not to answer questions specifically if you are concerned about the answer being too revealing. For example, if you have 19+ kids then yeah, I probably wouldn't say that -- too easy to guess who you might be. If you have two kids it's probably safe to share that.

All that to say -- the strength of this group is doing the work anonymously but out in front on the boards. The wealth of knowledge and experience of the group, plus the support of members who have lived what you've lived, is priceless. We encourage you to participate publicly -- anonymously -- to a level with which you're comfortable. We've all been through it, too