Mother living independently in a tailspin

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Do you think your mother's friend decided to tell you this or did your mother put her up to it? My BPD mother will put people up to saying things - I've had phone calls which sound contrived- "I just wanted to let you know that your mother is a wonderful person" type calls or telling me to do something. My mother has done this too saying things like "it's your (relative who was estranged from me)'s  birthday and I know he'd really love to speak to you", as there's some motive behind this and I don't know.

Regardless, as far as you are concerned, you don't know anything unless your mother tells you directly, not through triangulation. Acting like you don't know feels like pushing the boundaries of our own ethics- this is our mother right? So not telling her information doesn't feel quite right, but I try to take a longer range perspective. Your mother is responsible for telling you what she wants you to know. If you do that job for her, it's enabling. What other people tell you is hearsay.

I agree, ghosting her is a big change and likely to increase her anxiety. I don't think it's your overall intention. Your goal is to have her medical care and basic needs taken care of, not to ghost her. Even if she were in a nursing home, you'd probably visit and bring her meals and treats sometimes as a break from the regular food. So, I'd carry on with that and have a grey rock but cheery and casual (short) visit and don't react to any drama.

Yes, a medical crisis is possible. It's happened with my BPD mother too. It's not something you can control. I think it helps to consider what you would do if she did that. First- she is being taken care of by the medical staff. If she's in the hospital, she's in a safe place, where she is getting meals and medicine and she is not alone. She may not be happy but she is in the best situation for her at the moment.

This reminds me of a "crisis" involving my father. I was at their house to "help" but my father was in the hospital. He was being taken care of. I was home alone with BPD mother - and her needs. I had been there a while, and had to arrange child care for my kids. I needed to get back home, so when Dad was stable enough to come home, I left. As soon as I got home, BPD mother called in a panic. "Your father is in terrible condition" and saying I needed to come see him quickly. Fearing the worst, I went back.

When I got there, my mother had called the home health nurse and she was on her way. Dad had an infection from a surgery wound, but he wasn't in terrible condition. The nurse came in, assessed the situation, and arranged for him to be readmitted. There wasn't anything I needed to do for him- it was all being done.

I realized then, that the calling me with a "medical crisis" was a way to get me there and it was about  BPD mother's emotional needs, not Dad's needs. I couldn't just leave at any moment- with the kids being left whenever. If there was a medical crisis, the medical providers handled it best.

We don't want to experience our parents thinking we are bad daughters. But I think for me, I just had to recognize that this is the way it is- if I don't do what they expect or want me to do, for whatever reason, they will think that of me. I can do what I am willing to do, but it isn't adequate for them.

It's the same dilemma the daughter in the Slate article faced. To my mother, I guess I am a terrible daughter.

But I don't believe I am a terrible person and you aren't either.

[Notwendy]

Do you think your mother's friend decided to tell you this or did your mother put her up to it? My BPD mother will put people up to saying things - I've had phone calls which sound contrived- "I just wanted to let you know that your mother is a wonderful person" type calls or telling me to do something. My mother has done this too saying things like "it's your (relative who was estranged from me)'s  birthday and I know he'd really love to speak to you", as there's some motive behind this and I don't know.

Regardless, as far as you are concerned, you don't know anything unless your mother tells you directly, not through triangulation. Acting like you don't know feels like pushing the boundaries of our own ethics- this is our mother right? So not telling her information doesn't feel quite right, but I try to take a longer range perspective. Your mother is responsible for telling you what she wants you to know. If you do that job for her, it's enabling. What other people tell you is hearsay.

I agree, ghosting her is a big change and likely to increase her anxiety. I don't think it's your overall intention. Your goal is to have her medical care and basic needs taken care of, not to ghost her. Even if she were in a nursing home, you'd probably visit and bring her meals and treats sometimes as a break from the regular food. So, I'd carry on with that and have a grey rock but cheery and casual (short) visit and don't react to any drama.

Yes, a medical crisis is possible. It's happened with my BPD mother too. It's not something you can control. I think it helps to consider what you would do if she did that. First- she is being taken care of by the medical staff. If she's in the hospital, she's in a safe place, where she is getting meals and medicine and she is not alone. She may not be happy but she is in the best situation for her at the moment.

This reminds me of a "crisis" involving my father. I was at their house to "help" but my father was in the hospital. He was being taken care of. I was home alone with BPD mother - and her needs. I had been there a while, and had to arrange child care for my kids. I needed to get back home, so when Dad was stable enough to come home, I left. As soon as I got home, BPD mother called in a panic. "Your father is in terrible condition" and saying I needed to come see him quickly. Fearing the worst, I went back.

When I got there, my mother had called the home health nurse and she was on her way. Dad had an infection from a surgery wound, but he wasn't in terrible condition. The nurse came in, assessed the situation, and arranged for him to be readmitted. There wasn't anything I needed to do for him- it was all being done.

I realized then, that the calling me with a "medical crisis" was a way to get me there and it was about  BPD mother's emotional needs, not Dad's needs. I couldn't just leave at any moment- with the kids being left whenever. If there was a medical crisis, the medical providers handled it best.

We don't want to experience our parents thinking we are bad daughters. But I think for me, I just had to recognize that this is the way it is- if I don't do what they expect or want me to do, for whatever reason, they will think that of me. I can do what I am willing to do, but it isn't adequate for them.

It's the same dilemma the daughter in the Slate article faced. To my mother, I guess I am a terrible daughter.

But I don't believe I am a terrible person and you aren't either.

[zachira]

I am wondering why you told your mother about your trip ahead of time. I have learned to give as little as information as possible to my disordered family members because they use the information to make trouble for me. My sister with NPD is always trying to find out when I will be at my house or not be there, and has enlisted several flying monkeys to find out my schedule. I have made it clear that I will not tell them. Before nobody ever asked when I was going to be in town/out of town.

It is possible to lie to your mother and tell her you have canceled your trip? I don't like lying to people and it is often the lying/omission of information about my life that limits how much abuse I deal with from my disordered family members.

[Notwendy]

It is possible to lie to your mother and tell her you have canceled your trip? I don't like lying to people and it is often the lying/omission of information about my life that limits how much abuse I deal with from my disordered family members.

I'm not proud of this but I do this too. Mostly the omission. Where I feel badly about it is when I also don't share information with her family members and sometimes not with anyone, even if they are trustworthy. Even though her FOO has reconcilled with me and also is frustrated with her,  BPD mother has a way of eliciting information from people. So if I want to have information be confidential I don't share it at all.

[Methuen]

Thankfully, this friend of mom is not a flying monkey.  We trust her.  She is recognizing that mom is "using" her too, and actually called us to explain herself:  She is mom's housekeeper.  Mom cancelled her housekeeping last week (I think she might have an addiction to "cancelling").  Then a few days later, she called her housekeeper because she needed her.  The housekeeper holds her boundaries, and said no, because she's on a schedule and has other clients.  She can't just "change her schedule".  And, she does have her own life.  She was afraid we were thinking she wasn't being helpful to mom and wanted to clarify why she didn't go to mom.  This has happened a number of times in the last 6 months.  

Mom does the same thing with her bath assist.  Unfortunately, the housekeeper told us last night that the "bath assist" lady is buying some of mom's stories/lies including those about us.  The bath assist lady has a very strong personal value to "supporting family", so she probably is not understanding the underlying issue, as she thinks mom is "sweet".  She believes that family should take elders into their home and look after them.  Nevertheless, she did tell mom last week that assisted living would be a good move. So hopefully she sees at least a "little bit" of what is going on.  This information is from the housekeeper, who genuinely seems to be a kind person.

Gotta love a small town - the housekeeper and the bath assist lady actually know each other and are friendly in their private life.  The housekeeper is a good hearted kind person who has made it clear to us she will not be manipulated by mom.  This is helpful, as maybe she will share another perspective with the bath assist lady (who could be judgy), although this is not her responsibility, and we wouldn't expect her to.

H and I agree we don't care what the bath lady thinks.

I am wondering why you told your mother about your trip ahead of time.

This is a very good question, and actually made me laugh a little.

We took a different tactic, and told her the first day we got back from the same trip a year ago, and we let her know we were going with her niece this time (the only family member from her clan that H and I enjoy).  We gave her lotttssssss of time.  When we get back from these trips she is always happy and tells us "we can take as many trips as we want".

But I hear you.  

Right now I'm thinking we won't tell her about the next trip until we have already left.

I guess we haven't done this earlier because it just doesn't feel right to do that with a "mother". It's hard to get to a place where you have to do those kinds of things - especially in a small town where everybody knows everybody.  People just aren't going to understand that generally.  Also, a year ago, we just couldn't foresee how badly the situation would deteriorate.

I so envy the people who write their loved one "passed away peacefully surrounded by family" in the obituaries.  My mom is going to go out with a spectacular crash - peaceful isn't the word that comes to mind...

[Methuen]

I think mom's housekeeper was trying to give us a solution for mom and be helpful to us - as she presented the idea of booking her into a respite room for the 2 weeks we are away.  Mom would never suggest that.

I'm not proud of this but I do this too. Mostly the omission. Where I feel badly about it is when I also don't share information with her family members and sometimes not with anyone, even if they are trustworthy. Even though her FOO has reconcilled with me and also is frustrated with her,  BPD mother has a way of eliciting information from people. So if I want to have information be confidential I don't share it at all.

I do this too.  People know that I work.  They do NOT know I have changed jobs.  Nor do they know I work part time.  I lie low on the days I don't work, and don't go to  town where anyone in her circle could see me. 

It's not a great way to live.  I'm like a bird in a cage - with the door open.  I can come and go, but I feel safest in my cage on the days I'm not working (but everyone thinks I am).  Not an easy "omission" to keep - in a small town. It limits what I can do.

Mom doesn't know a thing about my private life any more.  It's ok because she's not interested.  The only thing she wants to do during a visit is complain, and soak in her pity party until we say we have to go. Changing the topic works for a while, but her brain and personality always bring it back to HER.  It's exhausting and nauseating.  Occasionally she can rage. 

I finished making her supper for today.  It's delicious.  Anytime I bring her food, she complains about it.  LOL

I agree, ghosting her is a big change and likely to increase her anxiety. I don't think it's your overall intention. Your goal is to have her medical care and basic needs taken care of, not to ghost her. Even if she were in a nursing home, you'd probably visit and bring her meals and treats sometimes as a break from the regular food. So, I'd carry on with that and have a grey rock but cheery and casual (short) visit and don't react to any drama.

...I realized then, that the calling me with a "medical crisis" was a way to get me there and it was about  BPD mother's emotional needs, not Dad's needs.

Yes, I don't know what else to do, but bring her a meal (it occasionally disarms her), and grey rock.  My H will come with me.  If I feel the emotions coming up, we will find an excuse to leave.  By then, she will have her supper.

We don't want to experience our parents thinking we are bad daughters. But I think for me, I just had to recognize that this is the way it is- if I don't do what they expect or want me to do, for whatever reason, they will think that of me. I can do what I am willing to do, but it isn't adequate for them.

Exactly.  In their mind, we are terrible daughters.  The hard part is not feeling awful that's what they think and feel about us.

My logical brain knows that well.  Retraining my emotional brain to not change MY behavior to "fix" her problem - that's a journey I'm still on.  Lots of progress made, but not at the finish line yet. 

We once cancelled a trip (back in 2015) because of one of her "health crises".  It seemed like the right thing to do.  Eventually, like your story with your dad when he came home from hospital, we figured out the crisis wasn't that big, and she was in Dr care.  But she got us all to stay home - doting on her (back then).  That was such a gigantic mistake, made because we are good people who care, and got sucked in.  Sigh.

[Notwendy]

My logical brain knows that well.  Retraining my emotional brain to not change MY behavior to "fix" her problem - that's a journey I'm still on.  Lots of progress made, but not at the finish line yet. 

Me too, Methuen, and if she's distressed over something, to not fix it is an uncomfortable feeling. I think it's so ingrained for us. We've been doing this probably since we were able to.

I think teens doing chores is a reasonable thing, but there was more to this. It seems as if my doing things for her is the foundation of our relationship. Even after I left for college, coming home on breaks - it was me doing things. Now, if we tell her we are visiting her first statement is "oh good, I have things for you to do".

Even with her finances now. She calls me up to "go over her bank statements" even though she can see them on her phone app. I downloaded them and enlarged the print so she could see it and emailed it to her. I can access her email and do so to look for important notices and bills since she doesn't keep up with them. I can see she hasn't even opened the email I sent her.

I gave some information to her helper to go over with her. The helper said she did and that my mother wrote the information down. Then BPD mother called me and told me the helper didn't do that and she wants me to go over it with her.

She doesn't want the information- she already has it. She wants me to do the task of "going over it with her" slowly and meticulously over the phone with her- for the sake of me doing a task for her while she controls it "I can't hear you- can you say this again" "don't speak so fast" "say that again". She called me and asked me to do it on another day and I had trouble sleeping that night. Not sure why but if she asks me to do something- there's this creepy obligation feeling.

I'm glad for you that your mother's housekeeper sees a bigger picture. It does feel better when people understand and don't judge you.

[Methuen]

Update: she was happy for the dinner I brought her, and happier for the chocolate treats.

I think it disarmed her…

The visit went ok.  When I sensed she was starting down a wrong path, I used humour to point out she needed the help and if she didn’t like one of the home care helpers she was going to have to just suck it up.

H thinks she behaved better because of the ultimatum he gave her. 

At any rate, today I got the better version and not the borderline version.  Unbelievable relief…

[Notwendy]

It feels uncomfortable to do this but my BPD mother also responds to ultimatums. Still, if she's being "nice" to me, it feels uneasy, as I also know she can become angry too.  I also question my own reality- maybe it isn't as I think it is?

Oddly, when BPD mother is not acting nice to me, it feels more genuine.

Sometimes though, we want to have a no drama moment. I am glad your mother appreciated the meal you brought her and it went well.