Lost souls looking for help.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My kids and I left during the night the week before Christmas. I had hoped to be able to hold off until after Christmas but knew it was coming and had rented a house a week earlier. I had just started squirreling things to the new place when he blew up and we had to leave. My kids are 14 and 15. Neither asked why we were leaving and neither has asked about their dad. I tell them that we all need to get some therapy and a better understanding of ourselves and each other. I am hopeful that eventually they will have a relationship with their dad.

I filed and received an order of protection after leaving. The day after we left when he finally noticed we were gone he texted our daughter and said ":)addy loves you please come home". She cried and asked me what to do. I asked her if she wanted to answer or not. She wasn't sure. I told her to take her time and if she wanted to answer she could but if she wasn't comfortable then she could ignore it as well. Less than an hour later he made up her mind for her. He texted her again saying "thanks for answering my text". With those two texts he managed to once again break the hearts of both children. The one he reached out to then threw away and the one he didn't bother to reach out to at all.

Obviously there is much much more to this situation. We were married for 25 years and as I look back the verbal abuse and manipulation began before we even married. I wouldn't go back because my children mean the world to me. They are the reason I stayed and the reason I found the strength to leave. Nothing is their fault and I feel like the worlds worst mom for putting them through all of this. My daughter begged me to do something about her dad two years ago. I didn't know what to do and I was still wrestling with the reality of our lives.

This past summer the tone during his episodes changed somehow and while I had always been afraid I no longer felt safe. That's when I started to plan. The kids are more relaxed. They have had friends over to the new house when that almost never happened before we left. I find great joy in being free to go get the kids a frozen coke at midnight when they aren't feeling well. I never would have been allowed to do that before. I find I don't have any more work to do than I did before leaving, in fact I have less. I am no longer being pulled between my children on one side and my husband on the other.

He demanded my attention at all times and I found that I was being less of a parent whenever he was around, or on the phone or awake or asleep but tossing and turning. He controlled everything but felt he had control over nothing. I'm sure his very existence caused him fear. That fear caused rage and that rage was focused on me and eventually the kids. The abuse was always emotional and verbal. When he pushed me (not hard) last summer my fear leapt to new levels. Something had changed and since things had been escalating at a quicker rate the past 9 years since he was downsized and hadn't been working I was now afraid for my physical safety and that of my children  as well.

I am desperately trying to find a psychiatrist in the Indianapolis area that has experienced dealing with BPD so we can all get help. I don't want someone who just lists the disorder because they all do. I want someone who truly understands the disorder. I don't want my kids to become BPD and we all need help sorting what is real. I've lived it for 25 years and my kids their whole lives. We need someone who can help us sort out our feelings and our reality.

My husband has attained council to get to see his kids and while I understand that I find I doubt his motives and worry about the kids being forced to see him before they are emotionally ready. They need to be far enough along in their therapy to understand how they feel about the situation before they are confronted with their feelings. I can't afford council so I don't know what to do. I have researched psychiatrists in the area and only found 2 with the appropriate experience and neither of them are seeing patients any longer. I contacted psychology today after reading an article they wrote on the subject of BPD and they sent me a link to this support group and a list of therapists in the area. Unfortunately the list just contained therapists and social workers. From what I've read we really need a psychiatrist.

I'll stop here because there is just too much to write it all here. If anyone knows a psychiatrist in the Indianapolis area or Hamilton County that has experience with BPD please pass along the information. Any advice will be greatly appreciated by all of us.

Thank you,

Targets

[Targets]

My kids and I left during the night the week before Christmas. I had hoped to be able to hold off until after Christmas but knew it was coming and had rented a house a week earlier. I had just started squirreling things to the new place when he blew up and we had to leave. My kids are 14 and 15. Neither asked why we were leaving and neither has asked about their dad. I tell them that we all need to get some therapy and a better understanding of ourselves and each other. I am hopeful that eventually they will have a relationship with their dad.

I filed and received an order of protection after leaving. The day after we left when he finally noticed we were gone he texted our daughter and said ":)addy loves you please come home". She cried and asked me what to do. I asked her if she wanted to answer or not. She wasn't sure. I told her to take her time and if she wanted to answer she could but if she wasn't comfortable then she could ignore it as well. Less than an hour later he made up her mind for her. He texted her again saying "thanks for answering my text". With those two texts he managed to once again break the hearts of both children. The one he reached out to then threw away and the one he didn't bother to reach out to at all.

Obviously there is much much more to this situation. We were married for 25 years and as I look back the verbal abuse and manipulation began before we even married. I wouldn't go back because my children mean the world to me. They are the reason I stayed and the reason I found the strength to leave. Nothing is their fault and I feel like the worlds worst mom for putting them through all of this. My daughter begged me to do something about her dad two years ago. I didn't know what to do and I was still wrestling with the reality of our lives.

This past summer the tone during his episodes changed somehow and while I had always been afraid I no longer felt safe. That's when I started to plan. The kids are more relaxed. They have had friends over to the new house when that almost never happened before we left. I find great joy in being free to go get the kids a frozen coke at midnight when they aren't feeling well. I never would have been allowed to do that before. I find I don't have any more work to do than I did before leaving, in fact I have less. I am no longer being pulled between my children on one side and my husband on the other.

He demanded my attention at all times and I found that I was being less of a parent whenever he was around, or on the phone or awake or asleep but tossing and turning. He controlled everything but felt he had control over nothing. I'm sure his very existence caused him fear. That fear caused rage and that rage was focused on me and eventually the kids. The abuse was always emotional and verbal. When he pushed me (not hard) last summer my fear leapt to new levels. Something had changed and since things had been escalating at a quicker rate the past 9 years since he was downsized and hadn't been working I was now afraid for my physical safety and that of my children  as well.

I am desperately trying to find a psychiatrist in the Indianapolis area that has experienced dealing with BPD so we can all get help. I don't want someone who just lists the disorder because they all do. I want someone who truly understands the disorder. I don't want my kids to become BPD and we all need help sorting what is real. I've lived it for 25 years and my kids their whole lives. We need someone who can help us sort out our feelings and our reality.

My husband has attained council to get to see his kids and while I understand that I find I doubt his motives and worry about the kids being forced to see him before they are emotionally ready. They need to be far enough along in their therapy to understand how they feel about the situation before they are confronted with their feelings. I can't afford council so I don't know what to do. I have researched psychiatrists in the area and only found 2 with the appropriate experience and neither of them are seeing patients any longer. I contacted psychology today after reading an article they wrote on the subject of BPD and they sent me a link to this support group and a list of therapists in the area. Unfortunately the list just contained therapists and social workers. From what I've read we really need a psychiatrist.

I'll stop here because there is just too much to write it all here. If anyone knows a psychiatrist in the Indianapolis area or Hamilton County that has experience with BPD please pass along the information. Any advice will be greatly appreciated by all of us.

Thank you,

Targets

[livednlearned]

Hi Targets,

Your story is so similar to my own. I read your post while walking out the door so can't write as much as I'd like, just wanted to say welcome and let you know that you aren't alone.

It gets so much better. Now is hard, and it will be for a while.

We're here for you.

 

LnL

PS. If you are worried about BPD impacting your kids to the point they may have developed traits if not the full-blown illness, you could look for psychologists trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Mentalization Therapy, or Transference-Focused Therapy. There are empirical studies on all of them, DBT the most.

[takingandsending]

Dear Targets,

A city the size of Indianapolis may have a NAMI local office. Consider contacting them for support and resources. I believe they should have a list of psychiatrists in your area that provide DBT or other therapies for BPD. Many offices have programs specific to children or families with mental illness.

Also, now that your husband has hired an attorney, what steps are you taking to legally protect yourself and your children?

I wanted to support you in the steps you have taken. You are doing the right thing. And it is amazing how much more energy we have when we are not devoting it to the pwBPD in our lives! I know from my own experience that I can give so much more to my S5 and S11 when my STBxw has taken vacations or classes out of state. More than anything, it confirms just how better off your children and you will be in the time you are not managing the adult child in your life.

[Swiggle]

Sorry you are going through this. One thing I would suggest is try not to get caught up on the psychologist/psychiatrist title when looking for therapy for you and your kids. In my experience as well as other that I know, you can get really good help with a licensed clinical counselor just as much as the others.

I met my counselor in 2011 just after my divorce while my ex and I were recycling. She played a major role in my healing and emotional health. She met my ex once, who went to an apt with me, and was able to pinpoint NPD in him. When I remarried with a blended family she has continued to be a great resource for my step children. The T, myself and my husband all believe his ex suffers from BPD/NPD.

During the years my children have seen 2 psychologist (1 moved away) and I have not been seen the same results with them as I see with my step kids who sees my T. You might ask why I don't have my kids see her... .well my ex has made it very clear that he will in no way be involved in our kid's therapy if they my T. No one will ever convince me otherwise and I believe it is because he feels threatened by her and knows that she will really be able to help the kids. 

If you look at licensed therapists look for those who are family systems trained, work with kids, ask questions about their knowledge of BPD/NPD. My T told us after meeting my current husband's ex that if she had to diagnose her it would be with BPD and that it is pretty common for therapists to only allow a couple of people who suffer from BPD to be their clients and that sometimes they, the T, have to get therapy themselves when dealing with such people. So if I ever have to find a new T my first question will be do you have experience/understanding with BPD and second do you limit the number you might see.

Good luck

[ForeverDad]

One thing I would suggest is try not to get caught up on the psychologist/psychiatrist title when looking for therapy for you and your kids. In my experience as well as other that I know, you can get really good help with a licensed clinical counselor just as much as the others.

If you look at licensed therapists look for those who are family systems trained, work with kids, ask questions about their knowledge of BPD/NPD. My T told us after meeting my current husband's ex that if she had to diagnose her it would be with BPD and that it is pretty common for therapists to only allow a couple of people who suffer from BPD to be their clients and that sometimes they, the T, have to get therapy themselves when dealing with such people. So if I ever have to find a new T my first question will be do you have experience/understanding with BPD and second do you limit the number you might see.

I recall the year I separated and then divorced.  About 6 months prior I located a psychologist with letters behind her name.  My then-spouse came with me but then announced she would not join me in therapy, just 'support' my therapy.  Well, that imploded, the director met with us and said if it wasn't joint then she would have to wait in the lobby.  i went a total of 3 sessions, the lady focused on my FOO (family of origin) whereas I kept saying the problems are with us the couple, though she had blacklisted friends and relatives.  Well, In 3 sessions I NEVER got suggestions or advise.  I can understand one session, but three?  I finally gave up and didn't go back.  That's what seeking certifications did for me, I should have sought out recommendations.  It turned out that lady was utterly clueless so far as I could discern.  Sure, I have my own issues, everyone has something to work on, but it wasn't my issues that brought the police to our home months later and triggered the separation.

By the way, our Custody Evaluator was a child psychologist and lectured at the local university.  He was better than good, he was great.  My lawyer had said his reputation and work was stellar.

[Sluggo]

Targets,

Your story sounds very familiar to mine.  18 years married and felt like I had to choose between my wife and my kids. 

I am from the Indianapolis area also.  Here are a few people I have had direct contact with over the last 6 years since she was first diagnosed.  Her diagnosis was Paranoid Personality Disorder. 

Dr.  Peter Malinoski-  He can do psych testing and met with my wife and I separately for the follow up visits and a couple of joint visits.  He called it his short program which gave us an awareness of what both of our issues are (mine dependency).  He can work on a sliding scale.

Chris Countryman-  He calls a spade a spade.  He is personally familiar with those behaviours.  He is direct and very good.  he was the one that put all the pieces together for me.  He works on a sliding scale also.  He also specializes in addictions. 

Dr Jonni Gonso-  She is wonderful.  She can do custody evaluations also.  That is who are court reccomended to use.  She did our custody evaluation and nailed it in regards to my wife's behaviors despite the facade she has with everyone. 

I would be happy to share anything else with you.