and youre mourning for a reason.
in time, these things that we miss/mourn in/about our exes are good things to look for in future partners.
presently, its a good sign that youre in touch with your grief.
my ex did a lot of good things. she was the most thoughtful gift giver ive ever met in my life. her ability to find something, that never would have occurred to you that you might want or need, or that it even existed, and make you feel so seen at the same time, astounds me to this day. it wasnt only me i saw her do it to. and when, sometime after my breakup, discussing it with a mutual friend, she knew exactly what i was talking about.
it doesnt have to be my ex. it doesnt even have to be in the same way. but that level of thoughtfulness is mighty attractive to me; its something i would want to find again, and its something that i aspire toward myself.
not to get all philosophical on ya, but so many of the ways we relate to others come from a place of selfishness on some level - not only to get love from others - but also to get that love in the way that we want it. ideally, our ability evolves beyond that, in a more individuated way, but thats what relationships of all kinds come into our lives to teach us.
Yeah - this is a helpful take!
I'll say more underneath the next quote.
I think the 'nice things = selfishness' distinction is quite important though.
I don't think there's something inherently selfish about doing a nice thing with the expectation of receiving something in return - relationships are just built that way (imo).
I'm more referring to nice things with the built-in sense that there was an immediate reason why - the sense that:
"Ahh, she'll bring this up in an argument later, or expect me to do something very clear and specific in return... this isn't a free gift in a free relationship..."
But I don't think she tended to see that pattern, or realise it was happening - so I don't think it was deliberately malicious or anything.
Thanks snailshell. Really helpful post. I think the temptation is to only consider the bad things in the other person after a breakup. I have such a similar story to you. I could write so much on how amazing my ex was. She was thoughtful, generous, tender and loving, cultured, ferociously intelligent, curious... the list goes on. I had come out of a 17 year marriage before I met my (now ex) and have spent 4 years with her. Hard to count the time together given the numerous breakups. But in the four years she taught me what real love looked like to an extent I think. I realized what i was missing from that marriage in all those years. So yes, the breakup was painful, I wanted it to be amicable but she didnt want that. I believe she did love me and was really hurt by the breakup (which she initiated). She could not accept I actually did love her, which seems to be common theme here. Its been two months since the final breakup and ironically I've suffered as I really do miss her. I'm trying to hold onto the amazing and good memories with a smile and gratitude, and not feel like I've lost the past, as I did in my previous marriage. I want to take the best from the past, know I do love her, (even if I know a future relationship cannot work without her acknowledging and working on the inner demons) and move into the future with a smile and deep gratitude for the amazing time spent together. Its hard... really hard but thats what I'm trying to do.
What i've found really hard is taking the many critisicms she had of me and trying to get something concrete out of that for my personal development. I feel a lot of what she said was accusations about the way i made her feel and that I didnt love her or do enough or treat her right. Thats kind of hard to work with as a self development plan.
Yeah, this is also helpful!
The idea of taking those qualities into a future relationship.
I'm not trying to set anyone back in their process here by the way, but it's interesting to make sense of the different behaviours.
I often read the horror stories on here, and I have horror stories of my own; but I feel it creates a kind of 'cognitive dissonance' type thing in me, where I think
"Yeah but... why do I still see her as special, then?"
And people can talk about trauma bonding, and other things... but in reality, some of the behaviours I experienced were genuinely charming, and were really appreciated at the time - even if they're still a bit confusing, and I'm not sure what the motives were exactly.
It's helpful then (I think) to realise that
"Well yeah, of course I miss those things - there's nothing weird about that.
It's just that it wasn't the whole story, and the trade off was in no way worth it."
Even violent abusers can buy their wife flowers now and then, but yeah... holding the two things at the same time is better than pretending that the good didn't exist (in my opinion) - dismissing the good almost feels like fighting and repressing it, which might hinder the moving on process somehow, y'know?
Just a thought, anyway - if it helps then great; if it doesn't, feel free to disregard :D
