My BPD ex and I have classes together until the end of the year

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for around 9 months, but we had been very close friends for about a year before that. I'm pretty sure I became her FP, but some issues happened towards the end of our relationship that lead into the probably inevitable break up.

A few weeks before we actually started dating, she did mention something about a BPD diagnosis when I was telling her something about my ADHD. I don't really recall much of that conversation, but I do remember that neither of us really knew what BPD meant, and ever since then the topic never came up again (boy do I wish we would've known what it meant). It wasn't until 2 days ago that I was speaking with my therapist, and he suggested that what she might actually have was BPD. I began researching a lot about it, and indeed, everything matches. No attachment style and no other condition explains her traits, and the traits of our relationship, to such detail as BPD (She's probably quiet BPD).

The real issue is that, as I mentioned in the title, we have college classes together. I have to see her multiple times a week, and we even have group projects together. A full NC is not an option for me as we are literally forced to interact with each other. For the sake of our grades and the environment of the group, I decided to treat her friendly, as I would treat any other acquaintance. I acted unbothered and lighthearted, trying to keep a fun but project oriented vibe.

During the first 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure she painted me black, as any time I would speak to her for business related matters she wouldn't even look at me and acted very cold. However, 2 weeks after the break up, I think she unpainted me black. We had a class where we got assigned to work together and when I approached and let her know about that, she seemed happy about it. We went through those 2 next hours joking around, making each other laugh, but always keeping the focus on the work.  As soon as the class was over, I picked up my stuff and left to mind my own business. Ever since then she seems to be very attentive to what I say and seeks for any opportunity to make me laugh and bring up old inside jokes, but again, this only happens during classes, she hasn't reach out at all outside of that. This dynamic though is extremely similar to what our dynamic has always been, and I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know if I'm doing good or wrong by having these interactions, which while they feel great at the time, I feel all they do is keep me from healing. Maybe I should try turning them down a bit?

A big part of me honestly wants to move on. Wants to stop thinking about her. Wants to just accept that this girl I fell in love with doesn't actually exist to the extend she made me believe and wants to simply grieve that loss. But constantly seeing her  makes that task absolutely impossible. I'm absolutely sure that as soon as the semester is over, I will go full NC, but I will have to keep dealing with this situation until December. At the same time, however, part of me wants to try again with her, now with all the information and resources I have on BPD. I know her, and I know that if I give her more information about her condition she's very likely to consider DBT. Maybe I'm being too naive to think that that's going to actually make it work long term, but maybe I just need that second chance not to work to be completely able to move on, as painful as it might be. A third part of me wants to simply reach out to her, let her know about her condition, wish her all the luck in the world, and leave.

As far as I'm concerned, she had one guy lined up before we broke up. I have no confirmations whether they're dating or not, but I will assume they are as she's explicitly said before to me that she's terrified of being alone.

It's just so tough man, I just want it to go back to what it was. To all that tenderness and unconditional love. But I just have to accept that none of that was genuine. On top of everything, she was my first girlfriend, and now I feel like I'm left with an idea of love that simply wasn't true and that no one will ever match up.

[alternqtive]

My ex broke up with me about a month ago. We dated for around 9 months, but we had been very close friends for about a year before that. I'm pretty sure I became her FP, but some issues happened towards the end of our relationship that lead into the probably inevitable break up.

A few weeks before we actually started dating, she did mention something about a BPD diagnosis when I was telling her something about my ADHD. I don't really recall much of that conversation, but I do remember that neither of us really knew what BPD meant, and ever since then the topic never came up again (boy do I wish we would've known what it meant). It wasn't until 2 days ago that I was speaking with my therapist, and he suggested that what she might actually have was BPD. I began researching a lot about it, and indeed, everything matches. No attachment style and no other condition explains her traits, and the traits of our relationship, to such detail as BPD (She's probably quiet BPD).

The real issue is that, as I mentioned in the title, we have college classes together. I have to see her multiple times a week, and we even have group projects together. A full NC is not an option for me as we are literally forced to interact with each other. For the sake of our grades and the environment of the group, I decided to treat her friendly, as I would treat any other acquaintance. I acted unbothered and lighthearted, trying to keep a fun but project oriented vibe.

During the first 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure she painted me black, as any time I would speak to her for business related matters she wouldn't even look at me and acted very cold. However, 2 weeks after the break up, I think she unpainted me black. We had a class where we got assigned to work together and when I approached and let her know about that, she seemed happy about it. We went through those 2 next hours joking around, making each other laugh, but always keeping the focus on the work.  As soon as the class was over, I picked up my stuff and left to mind my own business. Ever since then she seems to be very attentive to what I say and seeks for any opportunity to make me laugh and bring up old inside jokes, but again, this only happens during classes, she hasn't reach out at all outside of that. This dynamic though is extremely similar to what our dynamic has always been, and I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know if I'm doing good or wrong by having these interactions, which while they feel great at the time, I feel all they do is keep me from healing. Maybe I should try turning them down a bit?

A big part of me honestly wants to move on. Wants to stop thinking about her. Wants to just accept that this girl I fell in love with doesn't actually exist to the extend she made me believe and wants to simply grieve that loss. But constantly seeing her  makes that task absolutely impossible. I'm absolutely sure that as soon as the semester is over, I will go full NC, but I will have to keep dealing with this situation until December. At the same time, however, part of me wants to try again with her, now with all the information and resources I have on BPD. I know her, and I know that if I give her more information about her condition she's very likely to consider DBT. Maybe I'm being too naive to think that that's going to actually make it work long term, but maybe I just need that second chance not to work to be completely able to move on, as painful as it might be. A third part of me wants to simply reach out to her, let her know about her condition, wish her all the luck in the world, and leave.

As far as I'm concerned, she had one guy lined up before we broke up. I have no confirmations whether they're dating or not, but I will assume they are as she's explicitly said before to me that she's terrified of being alone.

It's just so tough man, I just want it to go back to what it was. To all that tenderness and unconditional love. But I just have to accept that none of that was genuine. On top of everything, she was my first girlfriend, and now I feel like I'm left with an idea of love that simply wasn't true and that no one will ever match up.

[Clearmind]

(She's probably quiet BPD).

I am 15 odd years post relationship with my ex and he was a “quiet BPD”.
On the surface, he seemed perfectly fine, but beneath that calm exterior, he was often struggling internally. Instead of openly expressing emotions like anger or sadness, he kept everything bottled up, making it easy for those around him to miss how much he was hurting. He would often lay blame on me mostly. No one seemed to see it.
He came across as composed and collected, but there was so much turmoil within. He was really hard on himself, often blaming himself for things that had nothing to do with him. Guilt about his feelings kept him from expressing himself, and instead of reaching out when he needed support, he would withdraw or go silent. This gave the impression that he wanted space, but in reality, he was overwhelmed.
Because he didn’t outwardly express what he was feeling, it was tough for me to see just how much he was struggling. He rarely asked for help, relying on himself to handle everything internally. His moods would shift, often so subtly that I barely noticed. One moment, he could be fully engaged, and the next, he would pull away without any explanation.
It felt like he was carrying an invisible burden, which created a sense of isolation. I would think he was doing okay since he didn’t show any signs of struggle, but inside, he was fighting a constant emotional battle that I just couldn’t see.
Over time it wore me down. Visting his parents overseas was a trigger for him (his mother had extreme histrionic personality traits) and our relationship became too much for both of us.

A full NC is not an option for me

Well done! And if I could provide some insight into “no contact”.
While going no contact may be necessary for healing and self-protection, it can also limit the learning opportunities that come from processing the relationship's complexities. Engaging in self-reflection, seeking support, and gradually learning to set and maintain boundaries are essential steps for personal growth and for building healthier relationships in the future.

2 weeks after the break up, I think she unpainted me black.

Same happened with me.  Relationships, especially intimate ones are a trigger. My ex no longer saw me as a trigger the moment he moved out of our house. Just be mindful of the lure back in….
The bit where you said I picked up my stuff and left to mind my own business maybe say to her “thanks for working together with me on this assignment. I need to head off now” and keep walking.
It’s a dance!

Book Recommendation:
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud

Over time you will regain some of that self-worth that took a knock and see that this relationship did very little.

At the same time, however, part of me wants to try again with her, now with all the information and resources I have on BPD. I know her, and I know that if I give her more information about her condition she's very likely to consider DBT.

Bargaining is a key part of the grief cycle that many of us experience after a breakup. It’s that stage where we might find ourselves thinking about what we could have done differently or wishing we could change certain aspects of the relationship. We might even catch ourselves making deals with ourselves or hoping that if we just act a certain way, we could somehow turn things around. It’s a natural response as we process our feelings and try to cope with the loss, often reflecting our desire to regain what we’ve lost.

Don’t date someone based on a whole lot of what if’s.

You know, trying to save someone or loving them for their potential isn't really a good idea. It often ends up being more about what we want than about who they really are. We need to take a step back and think about why we feel the need to do that in the first place. It's important to focus on loving people for who they are right now, not who we hope they might become.

As far as I'm concerned, she had one guy lined up before we broke up.

Its common. My ex moved in with another girl 2 days after we broke up.

It's just so tough man, I just want it to go back to what it was. To all that tenderness and unconditional love. But I just have to accept that none of that was genuine.

Yes but it wasn’t unconditional – it was very very conditional.

Book recommendation
I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Third Edition: Understanding the Borderline Personality Paperback by Jerold J. Kreisman

It was genuine for her however she is navigating the complexities of having BPD therefore is not processing any of it the way you are.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the site- many here will have a lot in common with your experiences.

A few quick things to add:

1) Right now you sort of have the best of both worlds.  You have her in classes with you, and you're getting along in that capacity.  There's no downside here and you'll just have to ride out the next 6-8 weeks....unless you can switch classes.  It's probably too late for that though and i don't know if that serves you.

2) Telling her more about BPD almost always backfires.  If she asks, then sure, share a bit.  But if you bring it up out of the blue, she will probably take it like you're calling her crazy.  It's much better to let a therapist have that conversation.

3)  While the odds are heavily against a future relationship working out, it's not impossible.  The thing is though, it's not just her taking DBT and "getting fixed".  So much of the relationship dynamics come from both sides in how you communicate and validate what she's feeling.  While she may have work to do WHEN SHE'S READY (not when you or anyone else is ready), you can do quite a bit as well to help her stabilize on bad days.

[Notwendy]

I'll put my "mom" hat on here and share my perscpective. (my kids are young adults) and I recall my own college experiences too.

I don't know if this is the person you choose as your "forever person" or not, but I will say that right now, you are not in any position to make that decision. Even for people who eventually marry a school or childhood sweetheart- they still have to go through some steps before they are able to have that relationship: graduation, employment- these come first.

Your main (and only IMHO) short term priority is to finish the semester strong. It's way past the transfer to another class date. The semester is more than half over. Soon there will be Thanksgiving, then finals, and it will be done. Your long term goal is to also finish your degree with the best possible record.

Sure, college students have other experiences along the way but these are not the main focus. Keep your eye on the goal.

Not everyone has a magical "first love" experience but for some that do, it's impressionable. But if it ends, as they often do, it's not something to compare with a long term committed one between two adults. College students do have stresses and responsibilities but you don't have a mortgage, kids, a house to keep up.

Marriage has its good times but there are times when the kids have a stomach bug, the refrigerator just went out, finances are tight. That doesn't feel very magical. The spouse you choose for your future is also the partner you go through these times with. Someone with BPD might be able to hold it together and be pleasant during times of little or no stress, like doing a class project together but this is not an indication of how they are going to be able to manage in the long run.

While your main goal is to finish this semester strong, as you continue to meet people, date other people if this happens, keep in mind- is this person the kind of person you would choose to be your long term partner, possibly the mother of your children. If you feel these ideas are too far away, it's because you aren't ready for that. You can have other relationships. This is how we learn what works for us and what doesn't. One bit of advice, trust your gut, if you feel something isn't right, then it probably isn't.

Initially, a relationship with someone with BPD feels intense, and yet, the intensity isn't a foundation for a long term relationship. The person you may find even more appealing may not be the one with whom the sparks fly immediately but the person you get to know better over time. You don't have to decide right now and you are not in any position to decide this yet. Just meet people, be ethical and considerate. You may get your heart broken and break some hearts yourself but not all relationships are going to be for the long run.

I think there's an excitement about learning about BPD and the feeling that with this new found knowlege, it will make a big difference, but the reality is - we can not change another person. We can work on our own relationship skills and managing the relationship but we can not "fix" someone else.  If the person is motivated to do DBT- they need to me motivated on their own, not just to "get you back" Also, there isn't a "cure" for BPD and any improvement takes time and work on the part of the pwBPD. If this person is motivated and does BPD, you will see if she sticks to it and makes improvement over time. But will she do this- that is a big "if" and in the meantime, the time with her and stress can takes away from your studies and other college experience.

There is so much ahead of you in college- studies first, but friends to make, clubs to join, possibly internships, interesting classes.People come to this board with different circumstances and this is why there isn't one decision for everyone. Someone who is married and has children with their BPD partner may make a different decision than a single person with no commitments. You are in probably the least complicated situation to make a decision that you feel is best for you.