Divorce filing today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today I filed divorce against my wife of 2.5 years.  I believe she has borderline personality disorder.  On September 19th she accused me of cheating and became very aggressive.  She sent me "evidence" of the affair, which were texts to a same-sex friend I've had for the last 25 years.

The evidence and episode was presented to her in therapy.  She maintained I was cheating and refused to call the phone number of this person when given the opportunity, even with the therapist strongly encouraged it.

My lawyer sent her a letter soon after.  I waited for over a month, she stopped going to therapy even though I encouraged her at least a couple times.

In my relationship with her I've really grown and learned how to deal with her as best I can.  In the beginning I was totally enmeshed and co-dependant.  I grew and she did not, refusing to deal with her mental problem in a serious manner.  There were three boundaries that were dealbreakers:

1) Threatening divorce
2) Involving my friends in our drama
3) Threatening/involving my employment in our drama

On September 19th she violated all three.

This is the second time I've filed divorce against her.  The first time she weasled her way out of it, but nothing changed. 

I've realized although I've learned to cope and I'm quite proud of myself for not responding "in kind", these episodes effect my physical and mental health and unless my spouse changes it will not be a satisfying relationship for me.

Stay tuned...

[captain5024]

Today I filed divorce against my wife of 2.5 years.  I believe she has borderline personality disorder.  On September 19th she accused me of cheating and became very aggressive.  She sent me "evidence" of the affair, which were texts to a same-sex friend I've had for the last 25 years.

The evidence and episode was presented to her in therapy.  She maintained I was cheating and refused to call the phone number of this person when given the opportunity, even with the therapist strongly encouraged it.

My lawyer sent her a letter soon after.  I waited for over a month, she stopped going to therapy even though I encouraged her at least a couple times.

In my relationship with her I've really grown and learned how to deal with her as best I can.  In the beginning I was totally enmeshed and co-dependant.  I grew and she did not, refusing to deal with her mental problem in a serious manner.  There were three boundaries that were dealbreakers:

1) Threatening divorce
2) Involving my friends in our drama
3) Threatening/involving my employment in our drama

On September 19th she violated all three.

This is the second time I've filed divorce against her.  The first time she weasled her way out of it, but nothing changed. 

I've realized although I've learned to cope and I'm quite proud of myself for not responding "in kind", these episodes effect my physical and mental health and unless my spouse changes it will not be a satisfying relationship for me.

Stay tuned...

[needsupport33]

Jesus. Good luck. Stay strong. I met with my attorney today for the first time. The guilt, confusion, all the feelings are ugh! I hate it.

[Tangled mangled]

I’m still waiting to finalise my divorce 2 years plus since filing. He’s played every trick in the book but all the delay is because of the  house sale.
He’s trying to get the home repossessed by not paying the mortgage but thankfully, he’s only damaging his credit file in the process.

It seems pwbpd take pride in violating boundaries- the extinction burst, I think it’s called.
You did great following through with consequences, the challenge now is to stick with this to the end. She will not go away easily.

Maybe she’s cheating on you- accusations are admissions I’ve learned on this site.

[Skip]

There were three boundaries that were dealbreakers:

1) Threatening divorce
2) Involving my friends in our drama
3) Threatening/involving my employment in our drama

On September 19th she violated all three.

Collectively, that list would be a deal breaker for many of us.

[DogLoverMom]

I hope everything goes smoothly. I will probably be filing soon. I have just started the process of un-meshing and becoming my own person.
It is awful and terrifying, but I can't go back into the meshing now. The blowback has been intense and while my uBPDh has not become physical, I'm so mentally worn out from our 20 year relationship.

Good luck

[captain5024]

It's possible she is cheating on me -- heck, anything is possible.  I doubt it, because before the divorce we spent almost 100% of our time together.  Whether she is or isn't is not a concern for me at this point.

Unfortunately, and the worst part of all this is she is approximately 7 months pregnant.  I do not dispute the paternity.   Attempting to raise a child in an abusive relationship is not acceptable to me.  The pregnancy, the physical health of the baby is very healthy.  Luckily, I have a lot of recordings (which apparently are legal in my state) of her being abusive and making threats.  There is a pretty good paper trail here, from what I've been told.  For the year or so leading up to the pregnancy and the time attempting conception she was not reactive/displaying traits.  She was the first 1.5 years of our marriage, but did attend therapy and things seemed to be improving, as was I.

She was extremely nasty to me a couple nights ago and then stormed out.  She currently lives in an apartment (not our home) because our home is under reconstruction.  I remain in the home.  We are currently in "no contact" becuse of her nasty and unacceptable comments from a few nights ago.

It feels bizarre going no-contact with a pregnant woman, but for my health and sanity I refuse to accept the abuse and instability.  I do not know what else, if anything, I should do at this point.

[Skip]

Luckily, I have a lot of recordings (which apparently are legal in my state) of her being abusive and making threats.  There is a pretty good paper trail here, from what I've been told.  For the year or so leading up to the pregnancy and the time attempting conception she was not reactive/displaying traits.

She has acted badly - dragging your domestic issues into the workplace is  scorched earth. Some things are more egregious than others and that is certainly one.

The flip side is that she is seven months pregnant and there are so many physical and mental gyrations associated with that - any women can lose it. People with BPD traits are often at their worst in high stress situations.

What are your thoughts going forward?

Do you want to be in the child's life? While you are in divorce court, will you be there for her when she delivers or if there are complications. Are you walking away?

Or is filling divorce mostly a way to stop the drama? And you will fgigure out what's next, later?

[captain5024]

She has acted badly - dragging your domestic issues into the workplace is  scorched earth. Some things are more egregious than others and that is certainly one.

The flip side is that she is seven months pregnant and there are so many physical and mental gyrations associated with that - any women can lose it. People with BPD traits are often at their worst in high stress situations.

What are your thoughts going forward?

Do you want to be in the child's life? While you are in divorce court, will you be there for her when she delivers or if there are complications. Are you walking away?

Or is filling divorce mostly a way to stop the drama? And you will fgigure out what's next, later?

I'm an airline pilot.  Accusations of domestic abuse, drinking, drugs, illegal medical use (even saying a pilot takes "Xanax", for example) can take months to recover from. 

I filed divorce because I want a divorce.  After her episodes I've had to call in sick from trips, because they cause so much stress and anxiety I don't think I'm fit to fly.  I don't take the extinction bursts personally, but my body deals with the fallout.  My wife rejecting therapy is a big no-no for me, as is setting up a new born in any sort of abusive situation.

I wasn't thinking this would happen.  As far as "any woman can lose it when pregnant"...ummm...this ain't my first rodeo and I've never seen anything like this before.  If "any woman can lose it" then either I should have same-sex relationships from now on or we should build woman's prisons to house more inmates.  There is never room for abuse in a relationship, ever, ever.

I want to be there for the child's life as much as possible.  I'd like to support my spouse through pregnancy as much as possible.  I am not walking away.  I will not tolerate abuse under any circumstance, threats of divorce, threats of destroying my career, threats of disconnecting home gas for heat, threats of restraining orders, etc.  I refuse to continue an intimate/emotional relationship with my spouse.

What's next?  God only knows.  Time will tell if coparenting is an option.  I assume it's largely based on her stability and behavior and how good my lawyer is.

[captain5024]

My wife still has not been served due to a delay by the court to assign a docket number in my state of residence.

Without my knowledge she liquidated a jointly held checking account a few days ago.  That's unfortunate because there are several things which are auto-debited from that account, including utilities for the house.

My lawyer suggested I do everything possible to prevent further damage.  I think I've done all that I can do.  I canceled credit cards, locked accounts, etc.

She said she would take her cellphone off our joint account (I wasn't comfortable with her on the account anyway because of the paranoia and obsessive searching behavior she does on my phone records...that is the behavior that started this divorce).  She eventually refused to do remove the phone line, so I had to do it myself and act unilaterally.

I told her if the money is not returned to the joint checking account that we will be in no contact.  Transparency and honesty are important to me, even in divorce.

Ugh...

[DogLoverMom]

That is so terrible and some of my worst fears come to life.

Hopefully her fear of no contact is enough to have her return the money.

Stay strong.

[ForeverDad]

Technically, funds in a joint account are equally owned.  But... first come, first raids.  Lawyers will say this should be expected.  At best, if she doesn't return it then near the end of the divorce the financial aspects will be addressed.  But our collective experience is that the lawyers will be so eager to close out the case that they'll give little attention to the times you've been shortchanged.

It would be wise to change the payment methods elsewhere so she can't sabotage you that way again.  But your spouse will sabotage in other ways, count on it.

If you are now garaging your vehicles in separate places this may violate auto insurance rules.  You don't have to tell her that, the company likely will decide if an issue and notify her to open her own vehicle insurance account, if/once you inform them.  You may hold off on that action for now if you're the titled owner.

You can't cancel her health insurance if it is provided through your work, not until the divorce is final.  Afterward she can use COBRA process at her choice.

[captain5024]

My wife turned off the utilities to the house when my kids were in my custody.  It's cold.

I can not turn the utilities on again until Monday because the utility provider is closed.   

Is it time for a restraining order or something of the sort?   She has threatened this multiple times in the past, but this time she has carried out the threat.  She currently lives in an apartment nearby while the house is undergoing reconstruction.

[ForeverDad]

Were the utilities in her name?  If jointly named or in your name, then she went too far.  But I don't see the courts getting perturbed, likely they'll see it as typical divorce "bickering" and not sabotaging of your parenting.  Eventually it might conclude she's gone too far but it likely it will take a while for it to accept she's continuing to be sabotaging you and your parenting.

I don't know whether there is basis to file about this.  (Though do document this so it can be used if needed later.)  Besides utilities, what else could she sabotage?  Go down the list.

• Mortgage payments
• Real Estate deeds and taxes
• Car loan payments
• Home insurance
• Vehicle insurance
• School registrations and contacts
• Pediatricians and other doctors
• Daycare accounts
• Hopefully you've no joint credit accounts which would be a huge risk of financial shenanigans

As for the house itself, if jointly owned then up to half the equity will be owed to the spouse who doesn't end up with the house.  Various ownership details can get complicated depending on state laws.   As a last resort, if neither can afford to keep it, then it must be sold - in which case you need to be in charge of getting it done.

[ForeverDad]

Also, you no doubt have various financial accounts, titles, deeds, retirement accounts and insurance policies.  Your will should be examined to determine what needs to be adjusted and whether now or immediately after the divorce.  Ensure this isn't forgotten and ex's name is left on any of them to inherit.

In my state I was told minors can't directly be named as beneficiaries.  The way I resolved it was to list mine as beneficiary "in trust for (child) pursuant to will dated m/d/y."  That was me as the responsible parent.

[captain5024]

Incredible courts don't see turning off electricity as something more significant.  Thanks for the advice, everything else has been taken care of.  The jointly held credit cards were cancelled first thing, a few weeks ago.  I don't think she can do too much other damage for now.  She threatens a restraining order, but we don't see each other and I don't respond to her messages...so...

I ported her phone number yesterday.  She said she would do it voluntarily for weeks, but she never did.  My phone was the biggest amount of stress for her.  She would spend hours upon hours looking at my phone records and make wild accusations and assumptions.  She attempted to steal it and break into it.  I could not prevent her from doing this (thanks T-Mobile), so eventually I decided it was time to get her off the account.  Of course I still pay the bill, as I pay everything and she is unemployed. 

I'm sure the shutting off the electricity was "revenge" for my self-care and her inability to no longer monitor and attempt to control. 

[captain5024]

Still waiting for my spouse to be served with the divorce due to a backlog in docket numbers with my county court, but she knows it will be coming soon.

I went with her to a obstetrician appointment yesterday and I was surprised they took her aside and talked to her about mental health.  This was due to a phone call I made about 10 days ago...I didn't say anything else in that call other than "I was concerned about her mental state and decision making at times".

After that appointment she talked to me for about an hour.  For us it was a relatively civil conversation.  She said she would consider therapy again for "us" (too late, much too late).  When I politely declined and said the relationship was toxic, dysfunctional and beyond repair and there was nothing left to save she started into a delusion about me getting back with my ex-spouse  and/or ex-lover (years and years ago) and someone is stalking her on her social media.  Then I was blamed for most of her pregnancy suffering, although she did say perhaps she is emotionally abusive at times.

I am not hopeful.  I don't see this as a genuine self-awareness, but a repetition of the same cycle that has lasted the entire relationship.  If she wants to do real therapy and go on an improvement journey I encourage and support it, but we will still get divorced. 

I noticed over the last few weeks my daily journal entries regarding my interactions with her have decreased in size by about 50-80%.  For now, the drama is decreasing significantly.  Accepting her for who she is, accepting me for who I am, not judging, using SET and BIFF really seem to make things better.

[captain5024]

One more thing, while she was talking yesterday she told me how angry and resentful she was at me.  While I think these feelings are misdirected (her anger originates from the delusions in her head), I was surprised she could verbally tell me in a fairly calm manner she was angry at me.

I accepted she was angry at me, reinforced that I understood she was angry at me and told her I was happy that she could tell me her feelings in a way I could understand, instead of doing some sort of "acting out", because when she does that I can not understand her.