How much do their friends and family know?

[Notwendy]

Thanks! Glad to be here!

 On the subject of having kids with a BPD spouse- I bring the question back to the relationship. If we are thinking of a long term relationship/marriage- one question is- is this the person who I would choose to be the mother/father of my child? If there's hesitation- it brings it back to the relationship- is this the person I want to commit to?

You clearly had reasons for the relationship to end- valid ones. You didn't think this person would be a stable partner for you. For some relationships- the person's disfunction may not have been as obvious until later- after children. The questions are the same but the decision to stay/leave may be more complicated. Still, the person has that choice.

Your question - do family and friends know- interested me because I also wondered what is going on with some of the adults ( older generation now) in my family? I was curious about some of my mother's extended family members who she holds it together with socially. It's been recently that they figured out there's more than what they see socially. They couldn't validate my perspective before - they didn't know themselves.

I think the question of children is actually a relationship question. If the relationship is disordered for you, it will also be disordered with children. I think people have the right to choose who they want to marry. After being with this person for a while, you learned more about this person.  Even if her friends and family may not see what you saw or admit to it- you saw that this isn't something to continue and you can make this choice.

[seekingtheway]

I think the thing with personality disorders is that the patterns and behaviours are pervasive and will be seen across different relationships. There might be some differences in the way things play out depending on how the other person handles things, but, ultimately, the traits (fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, unstable sense of self etc) are going to play out in some way or another to the people who are close to them, particularly those they have an actual attachment to.

My ex was definitely able to hold himself together in many public/work/friend scenarios, but I don't know what his family or close friends people think of him. It's only now that a few not-so-nice stories are coming out about him in the community, and I suspect there will be more to come... but also, I know that a lot of people really love him. But there's no way that someone with his issues and insecurity isn't going to struggle in all relationships.

Another person I know who suffers with BPD - her issues clearly affect all of her relationships - she is in her late 80s now, and there's barely a single relationship that is unaffected by her difficult behaviour. It's clear to anyone and everyone just how unwell she is, which is very sad.