Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
December 23, 2024, 03:04:08 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How would a child understand?
Shame, a Powerful, Painful and Potentially Dangerous Emotion
Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?
Have Your Parents Put You at Risk for Psychopathology
Resentment: Maybe She Was Doing the...
91
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: No response if my life is going well  (Read 611 times)
Teabunny
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: No Contact
Posts: 113



« on: November 19, 2024, 04:35:07 PM »

Hi all! Can anyone explain possible reasons for this -

BPD mom, who may also have narcissistic traits, hadn't been replying to my postal contact or emails for a couple of months. She later wrote that she didn't reply because she saw that "my life was going well and left it at that." Twice she wrote that in one email.

I can't connect the dots between "my daughter's life is going well" and "thus I don't need to respond in any way."

Translation? Thanks!
Logged
PearlsBefore
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 438



« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2024, 07:17:28 PM »

One possibility is that it's a jealous resentment, YOUR life is going well so she doesn't want to associate with you - but it's also possible to assume a more charitable outlook and that she typed out some angry drama-laden email to you each time and then deleted it as her therapist recommended or something like that so was legitimately trying to be kind...not realising how oddball that is to normal people.
Logged

Cast not your pearls before swine, lest they trample them, and turn and rend you. --- I live in libraries; if you find an academic article online that you can't access but might help you - send me a Private Message.
Teabunny
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: No Contact
Posts: 113



« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2024, 12:34:20 PM »

Thanks PearlsBefore, I had been aware of the BPD symptom of the jealousy response to other people's happiness or achievements, but I didn't know if her saying "I just left it at that" is some sort of normal parenting strategy - don't respond to children unless they need help or are sick. Seems unhealthy to me. It punishes the child by withholding affection or interaction if the child is doing well, essentially the silent treatment.
Logged
CC43
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 384


« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2024, 03:09:18 PM »

My simplistic view is that moms with BPD resent other people’s happiness, and especially that of their daughters, because they identify most with same-sex offspring. I think she was giving you the silent treatment to try to take away some of your happiness, lest you forget all the (good) things she did for you. She probably can’t find any encouraging words for you, either. She might even want you to feel as bad as she does, so that you begin to understand how much she is suffering.

I know that’s all very negative. I think you might consider yourself “lucky” that she didn’t try to completely sabotage your happiness. That’s what “I’ll leave it at that” means in code.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 11136



« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2024, 06:00:51 AM »

One possible explanation is that the reason she tells you isn't the real reason. She may not even know what the reason is- or she's projecting her own feelings but when asked directly- she will say something just to divert you.

If I ask her a question directly- likely she won't answer or the answer she gives isn't the actual one. If she offers a reason, likely it's what she wants me to think, but I won't know if it's the actual reason or not.

Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3412


« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2024, 11:41:01 AM »

Growing up in an extremely disordered family of origin and large extended family, I have had to work on not wanting people to have a problem for me to feel interested in them and not feel unwanted with healthy people who don't have any problems they need me to help them with.
Logged

Teabunny
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: No Contact
Posts: 113



« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2024, 01:57:06 PM »

 CC43 thank you, I think your explanation seems like something mom would feel. Although maybe "I left it at that" can't make sense because she's disordered, it doesn't make sense I just need to make it make sense LOL. My dad uses that phrase too. "No news is good news" is another he uses.

NotWendy, yes, perhaps she isn't giving the real reason. I don't know. Thanks though! I'm finding it helpful to explore possibilities but probably also need to just stop wondering. In any case it's not going to bring any two people closer together if one ignores the other when the other's life is going well, and I have never wanted closeness with my mom anyway.

zachira yeah I can see how a disordered family would set you up for having to work on that. Weirdly mom has not been helpful when I have problems. If I have trouble she piles on with her own troubles to elicit my pity or help.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 11136



« Reply #7 on: November 22, 2024, 02:50:41 PM »

  I'm finding it helpful to explore possibilities but probably also need to just stop wondering.

I think we wonder as a way of trying to make sense of it. Somehow if we can find a reason, maybe it helps us to manage it? I know I also wonder- why did she say or do this?

I'm not sure it's possible to make sense out of disordered thinking but I have been able to figure out patterns of behavior- such as the "reason" isn't the actual reason. If I buy into the "reason" then, I will be taken off guard when the real reason becomes apparent.

It's unfortunate that I am skeptical of what she says but since it's happened a lot, I have learned to think of what she says in this way.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!