Chronic Suicidal ideation adult son

[sunsun5]

Hi-First time posting. My son attempted suicide in 2017, survived near death. He did well, until 2 years ago when girlfriend broke up with him.
He's gone to outpatient treatment, now in a DBT outpatient program. Recently he's been taking handfuls of Benadryl when depressed, Abilify (his RX) as an attempt and crying out for help. Death is his solution to his problems. He's so afraid of people hurting him, afraid to work because he has always failed jobs and finds no purpose in living. I know this is a very dark post, but am reaching out to see if anyone has experienced anything like this with a loved one or adult child?
This certainly is killing me.
Thanks for reading. Rebecca
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello sunsun5 and welcome 

I'm so sorry to hear your son is struggling again with suicide ideation, self harm.

We were there back in 2015 -2018 with DD. Extensive, multiple DBT and trauma therapy worked.

The first thing the DBT therapist addressed was to acknowledge her pain. DD told me she realised she did not want to die, she wanted the unbearable pain to go away.

Is this the first time your son has signed up to DBT?  My DD's friends and I persuaded DD to give up her job to concentrate soley on DBT and getting well. It worked for her, though it took 3 years for her to be well. Today DD is thriving.

Your post is not dark, it is the reality many parents post and experience. There is no shame here.

Is your son living with you?

WDx 

[sunsun5]

Hello Wendydarling-
I greatly appreciate your response. My son doesn't live with me, fortunately although I pay the majority of his expenses. He's on his 2nd round of DBT with group and therapy.
He states he has too much anxiety to work, even delivering food. The frustration is all of the expenses, while I would like to retire. I'm 68.
The suicide attempts have lessened, surprisingly over Christmas. I feel like this will be life long.
Rebecca

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you've had to deal with suicide threats and attempts for so long.  It's terrifying and exhausting feeling that a loved one might be on the brink.

May I ask, does your son have any history at handling adult responsibilities, such as partial completion of college courses, or maybe part-time work?  If he has had some success, that would suggest that he is in fact capable to some extent, and that he's not so dysfunctional that he would need to be on social assistance.  Also, do you think he's taking illicit substances?  In my experience, self-medication with substances like marijuana can make BPD behaviors much worse, including losing touch with reality, delusions and paranoid thinking.  If he's using, I'd say that getting addictions under control would be a top priority.

My stepdaughter has BPD and spent a few years doing nothing in early adulthood.  She complained of anxiety and said that her constant rumination about past perceived "traumas" prevented her from studying and working.  She was very negative, very dark and very angry at the world.  Her expectations were delusional; it seemed that she expected for wonderful things to happen TO her, but without actually doing any work to achieve her goals.  I think she expected to become a social media "influencer," a famous artist or a top model, by being "discovered," without doing any work.  She was disappointed and completely lost when those dreams weren't fulfilled, and I think that she was at a loss about what to do with her life.  She'd say "It's hopeless," and that her "life is over;" she seemed to give up before she even started!  Furthermore, she was angry that her family and friends seemed to move on and lead fulfilling lives, with college degrees, real jobs, new apartments and romantic relationships, while she was stuck in her childhood bedroom doing nothing.  She was alienated, left behind and felt ashamed for not achieving typical adult milestones.  That fed her negativity, self-medication with illicit substances, suicide ideation and suicide attempts.  My husband tried to set her up for success, giving her every advantage in the hopes that she'd turn things around.  He paid for multiple rounds of college tuition, only to see her drop out repeatedly.  He set her up in different apartments, but she'd have difficulties with roommates and be threatened with eviction.  He gave her all sorts of spending money, so that she wouldn't feel deprived.  He paid for all sorts of therapies, and yet she'd skip sessions or drop out.  No matter what he did, she would self-sabotage, while creating a huge financial burden (lost tuition, broken leases, multiple moves, therapy no-shows).  Worst of all, she was always a victim, the recipient of "abuse" from others.  The victim mindset was so pervasive that she thought everyone was conspiring against her.  Moreover, she felt she was powerless to change--she felt that everyone else should change, not her.  Sound familiar?

My stepdaughter had to hit bottom before she decided to take therapy seriously.  It may be that your son is just "going along" with therapy, rather than doing the actual work.  Do you think your son is committed to therapy?  Look, once my stepdaughter took therapy seriously, things started to turn around for her.  She progressed in baby steps, focusing at first only on therapy.  When she was stabilized, she started with an easy part-time job like dog walking.  She also started taking care of her own pet, which I think really helped her, given the sense of responsibility and companionship.  For her, cuddling/playing with a pet was therapeutic, and I wonder if that might help your son as well.  Once she took some baby steps, she built up some positive momentum.  She moved in with roommates and has had a stable living situation for a year now.  She took some college courses part-time.  She worked more jobs; she had many false starts, but eventually she found some part-time work and stuck with it for two or three months, proving that she could do it.  She found a couple of work friends, and she started having a social life again.  Though she still has anxiety and many doubts, she's thinking more about the future now, whereas before she was ruminating about past grievances all the time.  Best of all, she's not using suicide threats whenever she's distressed.  The frequency, intensity and duration of her outbursts/dysregulations have diminished considerably.  Though she's still highly emotional, and she seems a bit clueless about adulting in many respects (compared to her age), she's come a very long way indeed.

I guess my advice to you is to try baby steps.  If your son has been doing absolutely nothing for a while now, it's unrealistic to think that he can jump into full-time work.  I'd focus on the therapy first, and then start with easy, low-stress, part-time work, something that your son is drawn to.  Dog walking seems ideal to me, but there are all sorts of options out there.  He might need some incentive.  Maybe you ensure he has a roof over his head, but he's a man, he's responsible for his phone, cable/internet and groceries.  If that's too much of a leap, I'd say start with him being responsible for his phone, and work up from there.  I believe that people need to work for what they want, so they have routine and purpose in their lives.  People with BPD feel so insecure, that routine becomes comforting, helping them feel more secure and confident.  Start with baby steps, and he might build some momentum from the small successes.

All my best to you.