Devaluing cycle ex partner leaves and we have a child together

[eri711]

Hi,

I’ve muddled through for the past 7 years myself!! My ex partner had BPD and we have a 5 year old son together. My ex has two older children with a woman he married and left. When I got pregnant my ex with BPd didn’t want our child but then changed his mind when the baby was nearly due. He then left when he was 3 months old saying he would see our son when he was an adult and that was the consequences of me getting pregnant when it wasn’t his choice. This is his default to blame me for getting pregnant, as if I did this by myself!
Things went well for a while and then when our son was 2 years old my ex was evicted from his house (we have never lived together) and he decided to move in with a friend in another city far away. I was so upset and cried loads and shouted at him saying how would our son see him. This spurred a huge devaluation phase that lasted a year or so and I think I made it worse by trying to call all the time for about 6 months before I gave up. I was seriously broken at that time.
Once I sorted myself out and didn’t bother to call he slowly got it touch and things calmed. This year we started seeing each other again and he has seen our son a lot and built a strong connection with him and we’ve all felt happy about this. He even apologised for treating me badly in the past.
However last week he told me he was visiting his other kids in the same city we live in but would not be visiting us and said sorry about that. I told him I felt upset and thought he should visit all his children if visiting the city.

Omg! He switched instantly and reverted back to the same old stuff about how this is the consequence of me getting pregnant, that he was married to his other kids mum so will always be different, that I haven’t changed at all and he should never have started seeing me again because now I have expectations of him and think I can say what he can do in his life. I tried to explain how I felt but he shut me down, hung up on me and then later left me numerous voice messages telling me that we won’t be sleeping together ever again and he won’t be seeing me ever again and he won’t see our son until he is 17 years old and goodbye and have a nice life, tell our son his dad has died or something.

I tried to call him but his phone is off.

I left a voicemail saying I had felt upset he’d be in the same city but not see our son, that I didn’t realise saying that would cause such upset or stress, that we’ve both worked hard to get things good between us for our son and I know he loves our son, hope he calls soon.

It’s been a few days and he hasn’t called.

I’ve been down this road many times of devaluation but it affects our son.

Years ago he was just a baby but now he is used to seeing his daddy (he’s a good dad when he shows up).

I don’t think my ex means what he says and he will truly be hurting not to see our son again but he is stubborn.

I have learnt it’s best to step way back because any call or text I try to send however kind just seems to be perceived as needy and add evidence to his case that I’m bad.

I am at a point where I am fine without him, I do love him but I see the instability he brings and it won’t change but I am scared this devaluation will last years again and it’s sad because it’s been positive for both him and our son.

Everything has to be on his terms, he can’t stand any request or expectation at all.

I don’t know if my gut feeling just to step way back and let him calm down is good, is he more likely to calm and stop devaluing quicker ? He blames me for the pain he feels of not being in his sons life and it’s so crazy because he is the one who walks out.

My son has me and his siblings (not my ex partners kids) and my mum and a wonderful supportive secure family and my son has been used to his dad not being around but recently has made a positive connection and likes seeing him and wants too.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[ForeverDad]

Welcome to BPDfamily and our peer support!  While the circumstances aren't the best, you will find our collective hard-won wisdom and time-tested strategies so very practical.

I think it would be good to mention now that people with BPD traits (pwBPD) can easily make glaring declarations that are shocking yet after a time they act as though they were never uttered.  Whether your ex may do that or when he might do that is something that only time will tell.  Odds are that he'll reappear long before your son turns 17.

So what you do have the power to do is to view his exclamations as his moods of the moment.  Although they're shocking, understand that pwBPD don't just act and react, they also tend to overreact.  This is not to say you let them do whatever whenever they let loose, but have a certain pragmatic perspective so you aren't caught up in the endless eddies of their inner turmoil.  I hope that makes sense.

[eri711]

Thank you, it’s really comforting to have a forum like this as I have felt quite alone in all this and most people just assume my ex with BPD is horrible (which he can be! but it’s not as simple as that).

It’s good to hear people with Bpd can  make shocking declarations, he definitely does and usually at a later date he will talk to me about how I made him say/do something. He struggles to accept responsibility for his actions.

In the first years I didn’t have a clue what was going on but now I have much more understanding and instead of taking it all personally and feeling awful about myself I can see clearly his overreactions and am able to stand back. It’s still upsetting or perhaps more like oh why can’t it not be like this ya know, why do the same cycles have to happen.

But it’s good advice to take the rage and outbursts and devaluation as a mood of the moment.

It’s just tiring. Last time he did this it lasted over a year.

The difference this time is I can step back and let him calm down.

My experience shows he needs to be told positive things simply, like I know he loves our son and I wont leave him (even if we’re not together he is family) then to not be in touch and let him decide when to do so. Otherwise I seem to only cement his hatred and anger that I am the reason for all his pain.

Does this sound familiar? Is this something that is typically helpful for someone with BPd or just him?

Xx

[ForeverDad]

Firm, consistent and practical Boundaries are important.  But people with BPD traits (pwBPD) resist boundaries.  So what to do?  Learn the perspective that boundaries are yours, what you do in response when the other goes off track.

Boundaries - as well as many other questions and topics - are discussed on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.  It is well worth the time and effort to browse our various boards, it is one of the drop-down options on the green menu bar.

My exceedingly simplistic example of better boundaries is, "If you do or don't do ___ then in response I will or won't do ___."  For example, many here face a partner or ex who often starts ranting and raging.  When that happens, it may be appropriate to exit (with the kids of course) and take them elsewhere for some activity until the other has calmed down.

[eri711]

Thanks so much.

Yea boundaries are important and he resists them hugely and it takes a long time to implement any.

With this situation however I am stuck with him using leaving us forever as a weapon for when I do something he doesn’t like - usually a disagreement or a feeling of being criticised or expected to do something.

In the future I do hope to talk with him about this and hopefully be heard in that leaving us is very difficult, and to ask him not too and to work things out. Easier said than done.

I guess my boundary is that when he does this I will step back because I’ve learned pushing or chasing  him makes it worse.

But my question is - is this the right thing to do?

What are other people’s experiences of being devalued and what did they do and what helped them work things out?

I don’t know if I want a relationship with him him but I do want our son to have his dad.