Burn out

[Parents! Get help here!]

I feel I’ve tried everything as a mother to help/understand/talk down from crisis my adult BDP daughter. If she can’t find work by January, her lease will be up and we can no longer financially support her. We just can’t co sign a lease. I’m terrified of her potential reaction to this. She will have no choice but to move in with us. She is in therapy and tries to do the right thing. All I can do is pray that she finds a job that she can handle. I fell and got a concussion in Sept when we went to help her with a crisis, and another headache is reminding me of that right now. I pray and I’m not the praying kind.

[Cpv]

I feel I’ve tried everything as a mother to help/understand/talk down from crisis my adult BDP daughter. If she can’t find work by January, her lease will be up and we can no longer financially support her. We just can’t co sign a lease. I’m terrified of her potential reaction to this. She will have no choice but to move in with us. She is in therapy and tries to do the right thing. All I can do is pray that she finds a job that she can handle. I fell and got a concussion in Sept when we went to help her with a crisis, and another headache is reminding me of that right now. I pray and I’m not the praying kind.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Cpv
Reading your post - and your previous one - brought back lots of memories of the road I have travelled trying to support my DD in independent living.
It sounds like you are really burnt out. My experience of that was I felt like I was going to physically fall apart due to the prolonged anxiety I was experiencing from the situation. When the phone rang my body reacted noticeably!.

I am hoping that your DD finds work. Even if each job doesn't last, if she can be employed short term multiple times it can keep things moving. It doesn't relieve the anxiety though.

The anxiety is coming from many sources: the housing crisis; the emotional pressure from DD's emotional rollercoaster ride.

When I came to this site I was hoping to find a solution - what med? what therapy? etc etc would be the answer to fix this? Because I am a 'fix it' person. What I found was quite different - people who had tried everything without success; others who had tried everything and things improved due to something else.

At some point - a point of burn out - I stepped back and I seemed to come to the following guidelines for myself:
DD will always have a room here  - because I  cannot not bear to think of her without a roof over her head
I have done all I can do (I repeated the 3C mantra - I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it).
I cannot be responsible for another person's decisions
I read and reread the poem 'Letting Go' especially the last line 'Letting Go means to fear less and to love more

After quite a time of the mantra, the poem and reminding myself I can't fix it, I came to see that, no matter what happened ie if DD did decide she could not cope any longer, I would know in my heart that my DD was loved - and not every child has been loved.

Then came the journey of how to cope with DD in the house! That's another chapter!

This is a crisis time for you - one of the crises times you have been through and you are totally spent. If there is any way you can 'time out' from DD being on your mind then I hope you can grasp that moment. To put all of this aside just for one day even, can give your body and mind a small space to just value your own life and being.
I

[Sancho]

Ps My DD does not engage in any counselling situation as talking about things triggers her very quickly. It's too painful I think.

[AlwaysAnxious]

I came here with the same intention tonight, CPV...feeling like I've lost a battle that I was never going to win.  I too am at my breaking point with my adult daughter who has upped her lying game and seems to be getting worse.

I wish there was a medicine - but she wouldn't take it.
I wish she would admit to her problem - but she believes everyone else is doing this to her.
I wish she would go to DBT - she had me send in a self referral and then didn't follow up (but said she did).
I wish I knew the words to say but everything I say is wrong.

I feel your 'breaking point'... you aren't alone in that!

Sancho - I remember you telling me about the poem when I first started coming here and how often I read it.  I didn't remember it until I came here again looking for support and read CPV's post.  I'm going to read that 100 times over tonight as I try to let my DD deal with her situation on her own tonight. I know it won't be without her rage, but I also know my answering the phone won't change that.

[Sancho]

Hi AlwaysAnxious
I have found myself repeating your 'wish list' to myself - and it is very helpful! We could all add to it I am sure!

It is a good reminder of all that is possible, all that we would turn ourselves inside out to support - and then the stark reminder of why these things are not possible, at least at this point in time.

Thank you!