Best friend showing signs - unsure what to do

[ninja3]

I know I am not a professional, but I do strongly believe my friend has undiagnosed BPD or bipolar and I am really worried for her. We were extremely close, she always called me anytime there was an issue, but recently she has very abruptly blocked me on all social media. Really i'm looking for people who may have experience to shed some light on what I could or should do.

Context:
- She has been medicated for depression before (but only attended therapy a couple of times and stopped her medication).
- Acting very impulsively
- Extremely irritable - even yelling, swearing in public at times which is unusual. She kept apologising for this.
- Always had poor self-image but now has become a bit egotistical
- No longer supportive (she was so kind before)
- Told me she was scared she was going to die every time she drove.
- She has a history of broken friendships - and would tell me she regretted that
Happy to shed more light on these. There's many specific examples!

I had contacted a family member to let them know my concerns (especially with driving) and I received a curt reply a week later saying thank you, but she was actually doing really well at the moment.

This has really impacted my own mental health. We were so close. She would walk into my house, go to the pantry like it was her own, even visit my grandparents! So this is just so unusual. She has ignored my email reaching out and a seperate email I sent for her birthday, but she did reply when I asked for if she would send the concert tickets we bought together and a few days before Christmas emailed asking if I had a very random piece of her winter clothing and if so could I put it in her letterbox. It was a very dry email. I haven't replied.

Should I be replying? Should I be trying to reach out to talk things through or is it best to leave things be and hope she comes around?

[Notwendy]

BPD affects all relationships. My BPD mother has had long term friendships and also short ones that didn't last. Since she and her longer term friends were older, I wasn't aware of the dynamics. But I got glimpses later on.

Once I was visiting my parents during a time my father was ill- so this is many years since my mother was in school. She had a friendship with one of her school friends. This friend was calling the house several times, leaving messages and my mother was refusing to pick up the phone. Eventually, I did. The friend was frantic. She'd heard my father was sick and was concerned that nobody picked up the phone.

I asked my mother why she didn't pick up the phone or call her friend back. How is it that she'd put her friend through that? It had to be obvious that her friend cared very much for her and my father and not answering would be worrisome for her.

BPD mother doesn't experience empathy. Her reply was that she just didn't feel like speaking to her friend. I thought her behavior was cruel. I think for my mother, it was part of the push-pull dynamics. There were times she wanted contact with this friend, other times, just ignored her. For a friendship to endure, the other person just had to accept that this is the way things are.

In other situations, people have just been discarded by BPD mother. She's done with them.

It may not be possible for you to diagnose your friend but it is possible for you to determine your own boundaries and limits of what you will tolerate in a friendship with her. Are you on the downswing of the push-pull and she may come around later? Or have you been "discarded"? You don't know, because only your friend can control her behavior.

This feels hurtful but acceptance of this behavior and gaining your own emotional stance are possibilities for you. It hurts to lose or change a friendship but you also can decide how much you are going to invest in a friendship with someone who behaves like this towards you. At this point, your friend feels like family but the same decision goes for family members who may not behave in a kind or supportive manner.

It's important that you don't take this behavior personally. It's about your friend and not you. My best guess about my mother's long term friend is that she probably already knows my mother and has compartmentalized this friendship in her own life. She always has the choice of continuing contact or not. In this situation, she'd want contact- because of the circumstances but perhaps at other times, if my mother ignored her calls, she'd just let that be.

[HappyChappy]

... I do strongly believe my friend has undiagnosed BPD or bipolar ...

- She has been medicated for depression ...
- Acting very impulsively
- Extremely irritable - even yelling,
- Always had poor self-image
- No longer supportive (she was so kind before)
- Told me she was scared she was going to die every time she drove....

The symptoms you list don't suggest BPD, but depression makes kind people withdraw as does C-PTSD which also makes people fear dying and act impulsively. Putting up boundaries is a good way for them to recover by creating a "sanctuary", so if you just let them know you're there for them when they feel better and don't judge that's the best thing you can do. Offer practical help, encourage counseling or therapy if you have won the trust back. Empathy is very healing.