Asked for Suggested Custody Agreement

[ParentingThruIt]

Hi all, I've been here about a year after ousting my uBPDex from our home after years of erratic / difficult behavior and about six months of passing out routinely while watching our kids due to mixing mental health meds and alcohol and maybe an emotional collapse etc.

We are in the process of divorcing. I was able to get the kids into therapy right away (he previously opposed this) and also get them more play dates and try new activities etc. They are both doing really well despite the challenges of navigating a divorce.

we engaged a Guardian Ad Litem to do a custody evaluation.

The GAL just asked us each for what each of us think the new custody arrangement should be. I wasn't expecting this - I thought she would hand us a recommendation.  I'm still wrapping my head around it. Here's what I'm weighing.
- Current custody - he has them for a 3 hour dinner visit one night a week. On weekends - he has a 24 hour sleepover alternating weekends and an 8 hour day visit the other weekends.
- The past year has been mixed. He has been more stable than before in some ways -- he got a job for the first time in 8 years and set up an apartment - but doesn't seem to be managing to a budget; has had some really irrational and high intensity responses to some situations; and he as done little to zero taking the kids to activities on "his time".
- Much of the time the kids spend with him, they are on screens. He's taken them to 2 birthday parties on "his time" in the past year and has skipped or switched his time with me to avoid other birthday parties. there have been no play dates or peer social activities on "his time."
- He has to do a breathalyzer (court ordered) before and after visits and has passed them. At times when he's on the phone with the kids his voice sounds to me like it's slurring but I don't know if he's tired or what in those moments.
- He is likely to get some kind of gradual step up plan, but I am not sure what it should step up to.

Thanks for any ideas as I consider this.

[kells76]

A few thoughts in no particular order:

He may be parenting at a level that he can manage (whether that is conscious or not). Maybe now is not the time for proposing big changes.

 I wonder if there's a way to have any proposal for step up be on him, not on you, but agreement must be between both parents or the schedule stays as is? Kind of like -- if he doesn't like what you propose, then it's not on you to keep coming up with ideas. You'll make one proposal and if he doesn't like it and cannot propose something you agree to, things stay status quo.

I will say it can be tricky for the parent with less time to do the birthday/playdate stuff -- it can feel like you're missing out on time with just you and the kids, because % wise it's a bigger percent of total time than for the parent with more parenting time. That being said, I hear you that it sounds like the kids are doing screen time a lot with him. Is that individual screen time (everyone on their own device), shared screen time (gaming together, watching movies together)...?

And if I'm following, he is not flat out refusing to take them to the birthdays on his time, it's more that he'd rather not, and either gives you that time, or trades that time? I guess my question is -- is the situation that the kids have activities (sports practice, clubs, etc) during his time, and he will not take them, and not allow others to take them? Or they have activities during his time, and he is OK with them going (doesn't obstruct/prevent) but will trade or gift time so you take them instead?

In a way, we're in sort of a similar situation. SD16 told us near the end of last school year that Mom wasn't getting her to school on time. Soon after that, SD18 told us that Stepdad was an unsafe and erratic driver (emotional outbursts, not letting kids exit car, etc). H and I took over as much driving as we could so that SD16 would not be tardy and to minimize them being in the car with Stepdad. It's a totally lopsided driving arrangement; we do 100% of pickups and dropoffs for H's parenting time, plus 4 out of 5 dropoffs at school (all Mom's mornings). But it solves the safety problem. Might be unfair for you to do birthday/activity driving, but it gives you more time with the kids, and then he's not driving stressed/impaired with them.

I don't know how to put that in a custody agreement, but maybe you can memorialize the arrangement somehow -- that any time the kids' dad can't/won't/doesn't want to drive the kids somewhere, he must make alternative arrangements, starting with you. Not sure how to nail that down, your lawyer may have suggestions.

...

So maybe your proposed step up plan would be:

-verification that he has taken a parenting course (this could address your concerns about screen time/parental interaction). In our city, a local faith based counseling practice offered a free verifiable 12 week parenting class. There are probably free or low cost options in your area.

-continue breathalyzer

-clarify getting kids to/from activities

-remain employed. if employment ends for >1 month, plan reverts to this current one, to enable him to spend time finding work. once he is employed again, return to step up plan

-step up in time could be: the 3 hour midweek dinner time continues as overnight and he drops kids off at school (is this feasible with his work?) or gets them on the bus or carpool. That step up would start after he takes the parenting course, and be in effect as long as he continues breathalyzer and maintains employment. There are probably other ideas for where to add time, but if I'm remembering correctly,  you've had concerns about him vacationing with them? At least if it's weeknight into school day, much of their day is at school, and the school can notify you if they aren't there or aren't getting there on time.

...

Can the GAL remain on your case as a neutral 3rd party to approve any proposed step up plan from him, and to monitor compliance with breathalyzer/employment/etc?

[ForeverDad]

I will focus on one aspect.  Currently he is getting parenting time (visits) every weekend.  That won't work over extended time.  Courts are accustomed to parenting schedules with alternating weekends.  Ponder whether that would work better for you.

He already gets one overnight on alternating weekends.   Fine, leave it as is.  But why not suggest the other weekend be opened up to you for whatever activities with the children you would like to do, short visits out of town to parks, amusement parks, outings and visits, etc?

So what can be done about the current weekend day visit he has?  On many schedules the non-primary parent gets a visit, such as a Thursday evening before the primary parent's weekend.  Apparently you already have that in place.  How about... he could get a slightly longer daytime on his short one-overnight weekend?  (If you have to negotiate.)

Wouldn't that be helpful for you and the kids, to have a full weekend in your care for longer activities?

A side question... do you follow the court order regarding a holidays and vacation schedule?

[ParentingThruIt]

Thank you both. I feel so much pressure to offer him more time.  The one thing I like about the current schedule is we each get part of the weekend, it's not all or nothing. The hard part is if I want to do an overnight I have to negotiate w/ him and that's been pretty inflexible. was thinking about something like each parent can have X full weekends a year.  3 day weekends help too.

Currently we have nothing official in place for school vacations, holidays etc. We have had to negotiate them all ad hoc. For the holidays I gave him extra time but stuck to around 24 hours max at a time since that's what he has in the order.

[ForeverDad]

If you do a search on my posts mentioning "fair" or "fairness" you will note that I warn about our otherwise excellent quality of fairness.  Yes, we pride ourselves in that but we need to balance it with practicality and insight, otherwise we could unwittingly sabotage ourselves.

The professionals (GAL, judge, etc) will look out for your ex's welfare to some extent but you can't leave it up to others to look out for you and your kids' welfare.  That's your task.  You make sure protections are in place, or as much as officialdom will allow.  You make sure you and your kids are safe and well cared for.  You are your own best advocate for yourself and your kids.

Don't get sidetracked onto whether you are fair or whatever.  It's okay to be a Mama Bear!

[EyesUp]

Currently we have nothing official in place for school vacations, holidays etc. We have had to negotiate them all ad hoc. For the holidays I gave him extra time but stuck to around 24 hours max at a time since that's what he has in the order.

Excellent call-out.

I would consisely state to the GAL that where parenting schedule is concerned, you'd prefer to get details established, at least to start, in order to minimize ad-hoc negotiation and potential conflict.  Then propose exactly what you prefer.  Always be the parent with the solution.  Don't leave it up to the GAL or the other parent.

In my divorce agreement, my atty used language that I didn't see as problematic until we put it into practice.  Language re: vacations referenced "state and federal holidays" which seemed like good boilerplate language at the time.

It turns out that our local school district also observes certain holidays like Diwali that are not state or federal holidays. And there are also early release and no school days for professional development for school faculty. Again, these are not state or federal holidays, and therefore not mentioned by the agreement...

It took no time for my ex to focus on these days and some perceived imbalance in our 50-50 schedule because a number of these days occurred during my time in the first months after the D was finalized... she was unable to perceive that it would all average out over time.

In your case - Perhaps your stbx won't push for more time, however it sounds like he may have difficulty with schedule variations...

Here's how I'd approach this in your situation:

First, incorporate encompassing generic terms like "early release and no school days" rather than the more specific "state and federal holidays" (I gave my atty feedback on this).

Next, recognize that the court typically views parenting time in terms of overnights - not the hours and minutes of the day.

I appreciate your concern about screen time, active parenting, etc. That said, how about this:

STBX gets one over night every other weekend, and two dinners per week.

This gives you some predictable solo time on weekends - important whether you're dating or not - as well as some increased flexibility during the week.  It completely avoids the issue of early release/no-school days - the schedule is the schedule.

This proposal effectively reduces total overnights (in theory, to your benefit), but increases the kids' cadence with dad (in theory, in fairness to dad and possibly to the kids).

Would this work for you, and do you think that your stbx can handle it?

In regard to school vacation periods, you or your ex may wish to take trips with the kids - now or in the future.  Incorporate language accordingly.  Here are a few options (multiple approaches)...

- the normal schedule will be suspended for vacation periods and the children will remain with the mother.  this may be changed by mutual written agreement between the parents with 30 days notice
- the normal schedule will be suspended for vacation periods and the children will remain with the mother.  this may be changed by request from the father at the mother's sole discretion, via written agreement between the parents with 30 days notice
- parents will alternate Feb and April vacation periods
- parents will alternate xmas and new years
- parents will split vacation periods (define exactly how, e.g., Mon-Weds and Weds-Fri with a defined transition time on Weds, alternating each year to address the 2/3 night split)
- the regular weekly schedule will continue through the summer break
- the schedule will change during the summer break as follows... (i.e., propose what you prefer - if your kids are athletes or are likely to have activity commitments - camp, etc., - anticipate and define here)

The point is:  It's to your benefit to get terms along these lines into the agreement, and you're in a good position to propose what you feel will work best for you, your kids, and your stbx - and to demonstrate to the GAL that you can bring solutions to the table that work for all parties - especially the kids. Don't forget: the GAL is the kids' lawyer...

Hope this helps.

[ForeverDad]

Some entitled or possessive parents may go overboard on birthdays, though it may not apply with your ex.  The concept is that states alternate birthdays with the parent on alternating years, the children's birthdays, most states don't include the parents' birthdays.  (Same for most holidays, they are alternated throughout the year so each parent gets them spaced out over the year, then the next year everything is alternated.)

Also, for each child's birthday, all the children go, you don't generally separate the kids, except for illness, too young, etc.

As for the parent in the year without the kids, no worries, you can still celebrate birthdays - and other holidays too - on other days when the kids are with you.  Actually, not much of a downside since many kids like getting double the number of birthdays and holidays.

[ForeverDad]

Here's another insight.  He's been getting one overnight every other weekend.  For a year.  More or less the professionals, including court, would consider that the norm for "what works".  Therefore, court will not try to venture far from "what works".

What does that mean?  Don't negotiate against yourself when you're already in a favorable position.  The officials won't or shouldn't expect you to be "overly fair" or to go against what you consider optimal, even necessary, in ensuring the welfare of your children.  After all, likely you have no assurance their father has improved from his prior patterns.

[ParentingThruIt]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. There's pressure from my atty to submit something that eventually steps up to 50/50. It's hard for me to wrap my head around that right now.

A tricky thing about him in general is he cares about the kids very very much and pays a lot of attention to them, when he's ok. But when he hits his limit he checks out or has been blaming towards my daughter in particular. he will go as hard as he can for the kids but his limits are still there. Also his thinking gets irrational. When he's good he's really good, but he has limits.  It's hard for me to translate this into an appropriate amount of time and shared responsibility in this imperfect system. Based on track record I am also unsure of whether he will attend social events with them, coordinate play dates, or keep things like dental appts. Dental I can do when it's twice a year but when they get another round of braces that will be tricky. I feel like I am solving for an impossible equation.

The framework of going slowly from where things are now makes sense to me though. I don't think I can personally solve this equation.

[ForeverDad]

There's pressure from my atty to submit something that eventually steps up to 50/50. It's hard for me to wrap my head around that right now.

The problem with step up schedules is that almost never does it include step down clauses.

Essentially they want you to schedule step ups but when the other falters, as will surely happen eventually in our sort of cases, then you would have to return to court, file a motion, wait for a hearing date, wade through a hearing, face continuances, etc, etc.  Meanwhile you need the authority to keep your kids safe.

And if someone has addiction or alcohol issues, relapsing ("falling off the wagon") is a high risk and you'd need flexibility to reset promptly when that happens.

[EyesUp]

Has your atty clearly and concisely articulated a reason for the stepup proposal? 

i.e., is the atty making a cookie-cutter recommendation while sleep walking through your case, or is the recommendation based on your specific situation, e.g., direct feedback from OC, based on the judge's patterns/predispositions, state guidelines, analogous parenting scenarios, and especially the GAL's POV?

I'd push for more info, and direct the atty to propose a solution based on your specific situation, if that's not what you're getting...

This may be resolved with your atty by clearly stating "I appreciate that the stepup plan may seem reasonable and save time in many situations - however it won't save time if the coparent doesn't change.  I'd prefer to establish a parenting plan based on what's worked for a year, not based on what may or may not happen in the future" - see what the response is... 

Also worth considering how your atty's recommendation aligns (or not) with the GAL's. 

As ForeverDad says, status quo is often the default - unless there is conspicuous evidence that calls for a change.

[ParentingThruIt]

Thank you so much! The amalgamation of all your advice is what I think I have to do.
- Reiterate that this is not a cookie cutter case and there are actual risks.
---At times those have been safety risks. In addition there's the social isolation part.
- Include step down in addition to step up.
- Work from where we are, not a mythical legal equality.
- Make the step up plan extremely gradual.
- Reiterate my concerns. He was never really able to handle the kids full time and manage his mental health, let alone work. Now he has to work. He is on a new med but doesn't seem to have new supports in place.
- My goal, as it has always been, is to give the kids meaningful opportunities for their relationship with him in a way that is safe.

An ongoing confidant put it well... he seems to have persistent trouble identifying and managing his feelings. When he feels ok, he can be lovely and caring. When he's having trouble, he really has trouble and can get very irrational and even act in ways that are dangerous. He doesn't seem that he's been able to reflect on this over time and comprehend it. As you guys point out, it's likely that this pattern will continue. It doesn't make sense to award time based on the "good" periods because they are not reliable.

[ForeverDad]

Some of our new members will include in their first posts, "My partner is a good mother/father but too often not."  Unfortunately a person is not a "good" parent when there are regular poor, neglectful or even abusive lapses.  We can't slice and dice a parent into being good.  The whole is what matters.

Court doesn't try to change people so neither should we.  Deal with them as they are.  If they improve, great.  If they don't, then just continue on with what has been working.

Secondly, professionals, even the court, has a policy presumption that poor behavior during a breakup or divorce ought to be viewed first as just the discord of the ending relationship.  Only afterward, much later, will it see the need to adjust an order, often very gradually so changes are as minimal as possible.

[ParentingThruIt]

Thank you very much. That's a reminder that hopefully the record of several years of issues preceding this will count.

[ForeverDad]

The record of several years of issues...  Ah, if only.  Be aware that in our experience most courts are only concerned with incidents during the prior six months before filing.  Older incidents are typically viewed as legally 'stale' or too old to apply, especially if it is undocumented "he-said, she-said" hearsay.

Yet, a greater span of time ought to be allowed for past behavior patterns.  After all, you do know your ex best, but it's difficult to anticipate how much weight your non-professional experience will carry with officialdom.  An experienced family law attorney could clarify.

[EyesUp]

@OP,

Great job establishing and summarizing a position to move forward.

Still curious:  Where is the GAL in this mix?

Good luck with your next steps - please let us know how it goes. 

[ForeverDad]

Guardian ad Litem (GAL)is a lawyer for the minor children.  You have a lawyer, your ex has a lawyer.  It makes sense that the children can have a lawyer to protect their interests and welfare too, if necessary.

However, just like your lawyer or ex's lawyer, GALs can be experienced or inexperienced, biased or not, gullible or not, etc.  Just as you may need to remind your lawyer to keep on track, same goes for the GAL.

[ParentingThruIt]

I feel good about the GAL overall. She’s experienced and has been very good with my kids. She has a child of her own and has been through a divorce herself.

I’m being told that the downside of going mama bear is being painted as a helicopter mom or controlling.

I put forth a step up plan that is gradual and I feel good about. I am hoping to at least get the step up model not instant 50/50 like he’s requesting. We had a fair amount of common ground on holidays / breaks.

I think it’s going to come down to the GAL’s impressions of the situation and how the kids are doing. And whether his past instability seems like enough of a threat to be an issue.

[ParentingThruIt]

Hi guys, I got the GAL report and it's not what I hoped for. The recommended custody plan is 50/50 starting in the summer, with one step up step that's one night a week sleepover with him during the school year and alternating full weekends for each of us.  She seems to treat his drinking on SSRIs for at least 6 months, passing out while watching the kids, and DUI as a one time issue due to the death of his dad the year before and my decision to pursue divorce. She didn't really document my concerns about his mental health over time. I need to reread it but I feel it paints me a bit as an instigator or raising more alarm than is called for.  The recommendations did have some helpful things, like each kid must do an extracurricular per season and both parents must take the child there on their time.

I don't have the money to keep fighting this in court and I'm feeling pretty burned out. Things were bad before I initiated legal separation and got him out of the house. I've had full to 85% custody the whole time and have no financial support from him so I'm still carrying all the household bills and kid costs along with wrapping my head around and grieving all this. I have gotten my kids the dental care and therapy they needed that he opposed and have created new norms for them around having play dates and getting out of the house etc. But I am not sure if I can keep all this up.

Ultimately it feels like I failed to document significant concern about his long term mental health. It seems like the only alternative is to give him a shot (the law's default) and see what happens. I am mostly worried about the kids being socially isolated and spending most of their time playing video games. Maybe I could ask for guidance on screen time in the order.

He has passed breathalyzers before and after visits for a year and GAL recommended ending those.
He seems to be safe with the kids, just isolated, and he's been familiarly difficult in working through a health issue for my son (lots of aggressive conjecture about what it is and what testing needs to be done that then flipped on a dime; flip flopping between it's not a big deal and why did I keep him out of school to it's a huge problem nobody is paying attention to, all the while I am doing all the doc appointments and communication).

I am wondering if I should start the transitional weeknight sleepover before our next court date in the spring. The benefits would be to give everyone a longer on ramp to get used to it, to see how he actually does; to give me a bit of a break; and I think the kids want more time with him - can see how it actually pans out when they get it.

I'm struggling at this point. I know something's wrong but it doesn't seem like court is concerned.  We might have the same judge or he might retire before our case is heard.  I am worried that some details I consider key are missing or incorrect in the report but I don't want to feed into a "helicopter mom" framing.

Thanks as always.

[EyesUp]

I understand that the situation is frustrating.

What's the proposed schedule, e.g., 2/2/3 (alternating weekends) or something else?

Will there be a change in child support as part of the 50/50 arrangement?

In terms of screen time, who manages the kids' devices?  Would it change?  Do you have access to iOS Screen Time, for example?

There are big things and small things that you might try to propose as you go forward.  Many judges will follow the GAL's advice and incorporate it into a master agreement - there may be a number of details that remain TBD.

Is there a chance to reframe being seen as controlling toward being the party with the solutions that best align with the best interest of the kids?

[ParentingThruIt]

Thank you. The proposed schedule is a 5/2 with alternating weekends.

I could try to see if he would agree to limit screen time on devices before raising it in court. I doubt he would be up for that. He thinks of it as a hobby of the kids' and spends a lot of time playing with our 8 yo while the 10 year plays often with out of state cousins in my ex's family.

I am not sure what else I can do to demonstrate I'm trying to act in the kids' best interests. it feels like I have run myself ragged but that everything I've done is being viewed as status quo, not an effort, and the fact that he opposed many of the things Ive worked to establish seems to be lost.

Yes, I will probably have to pay him child support bc I make more. He refused to work for most of our marriage and is underemployed now compared to what he made before he insisted on quitting to be a stay at home dad. I am worried about keeping them in our home, which is down the block from school surrounded by supportive neighbors they like to play with. Ex's apt is nearby but he remains very isolated with them.

the best I can think of to do is to focus in most closely on specific concerns from past and present that will be most compelling. But if this didn't come through to the GAL I am sort of at a loss as to how to make it clear in court. the judge did see him early on in the case when he was a mess.

[EyesUp]

Has there been any discussion with your atty about alimony/CS calculation?  Do you feel that you have a good grip on what's considered "standard" in your state (have you run the simulations)?

If your stbx is underemployed, you might attempt to impute his income for the purposes of the calculation, however it can add time and cost to a contested process.

Since you've already been in front of the judge... my sense is that your stbx may be playing a waiting game, especially if he perceives that the gravy train will continue.

Is there a way to use this to your advantage? 

i.e., would your stbx be more inclined to settle if he was able to secure what he perceives to be a "good deal" now - rather than take chances with the judge?   Or, another way to say it:  Are there certain things that your stbx would prefer to avoid having exposed - in court, and in a public record?  Is there a way to motivate him to settle to avoid this exposure?

These are things that only you might know (even if you prefer to avoid thinking about it), and which your atty cannot dream up on your behalf.  You'll need to bring ideas to your atty, and ask how to best leverage the info to create the right circumstances and framework for a settlement.

What I'm suggesting is that you two paths ahead:
1) Proceed back to the judge with the GAL's disappointing recommendation having some influence
2) Attempt to settle with your stbx based on other factors

In the latter scenario, you may be able to take a stance on CS based on the threat of imputing income - in which your stbx is motivated to settle rather being forced to work more or accept less...    it's a bit of a gambit.

Another approach is to drill in to how he perceives the 50/50 schedule - is it because he's devoted to the kids, or because he views this as the best way to maximize CS?  Could be both...    In any case, understanding his motivation is key.

It may be that he'll agree to a 60/40 schedule or a 70/30 schedule depending on what's in the rest of the proposed settlement for him...

My ex consistently framed her demands in terms of trading parenting time for money - a savvy judge (or GAL) will quickly pick up on this...    Ultimately, we were able to settle - in part because my ex was relying on her mother to fund the legal proceedings, and in part because I put forth an offer in which I agreed to keep more than my fair share of marital debt - at which point I gather that her mother and her atty said "take it"

You'll need to figure out what might work for you financially, that your ex might also consider to be a "win"

Bringing forward reasonable (or more than reasonable) solutions puts him in position to reject them - which can also work to your advantage if you proceed to trial.  Your atty would certainly note that reasonable settlement offers have been rejected - as well as various supports and resources for your kids...   that's yet another way to get the judge to tilt in your direction.

Document everything.

Hang in there - it's exhausting, I know.

[ParentingThruIt]

Thanks, the negotiation piece is good to keep in mind.

He's going to want 50/50 and probably wont settle for less. It's going to be hard for me to cash him out of the house. my mom may be able to help me; if she can't then I probably cant keep the kids in the house.

I am not sure what I could give him that he would trade time for. He's not looking for money. He identifies heavily as a stay at home dad; he has been working for a year but didn't work for 8 before that. Even though there's a lot of social isolation to his parenting and some strange issues with appropriate medical/dental care etc.

[ForeverDad]

My ex had been trying to earn money in MLM when we separated.  Our lawyers agreed that she would be imputed with minimum wage figures in the support calcs.  It was less than she was capable of earning but at least it was better than zero.

It's going to be hard for me to cash him out of the house. my mom may be able to help me; if she can't then I probably cant keep the kids in the house.

Sometimes we have to be pragmatic on where we live.  A good perspective to have is that Home is wherever we live, not a specific building.

[EyesUp]

Need to break it down piece by piece.

Parenting time: 
If he's been a SAHD, there's precedence for a 50/50 schedule.
One option is to run the clock and set a new precedent... that takes years.
Another option is adopt a position for negotiation that forces him to justify 50/50 - really work for it - and confront all the choices and behaviors that may be contrary to what's best for the kids in the process.  This is also time consuming and costly.

Health/medical decisions:
Who coordinated the kids' care in the past?  If it was you, or if you significantly participated, there's an argument to maintain status quo.  Courts generally prefer status quo. 
This could become a framework for negotiation, e.g., "mom is the primary decision maker for health if the parties agree to a 50-50 schedule" - etc

Screen time:
Who is going to pay for the kids' cell plans?  Make it you.  Then you "own" and therefore control the devices, and can manage their screen time.  You didn't directly answer the question before - are you aware of screen time limits in settings?  Use them.  Incorporate this into the agreement along with everything else you prefer to manage - "the mother will be responsible for cell phones for the kids"

CS:
add up all the things that you want to manage, then factor it into a proposed CS calc.  Since your stbx isn't motivated by money, this might not be worth much, but it may also be a way to frame a negotiation in which he cedes certain things that are more important to you in order to maintain time with the kids.  i.e., if you take responsibility for the health plan, all medical care, education, phones...    there's no need for ongoing conflict with your stbx on these points. This should be straightforward if you were involved in all these things all along.

Every situation is different, but some of the things we have in common are:  attys rarely serve up a winning strategy - it's up to us to manage our cases, determine what's possible, and then direct our attys to get the result that we want and will accept...

It would be great if we could have reasonable and copacetic negotiations, but that's generally not in the cards when a PD is part of the mix.  As a result, we need to figure out how to negotiate with someone who we generally can't agree with about what to have for breakfast, lunch, or dinner... the good news is that we are also effectively negotiating with the opposing counsel and ultimately with a judge - so putting reasonable solutions on the table (even if the stbx rejects these offers) is usually the path forward.

[ParentingThruIt]

Thanks very much. Your thoughts on negotiation, and that I have to come up with good ideas, helps me reframe.

I've had them 100-85% of the time for about a year and a half and am already paying for extracurriculars, camp, health/dental. Ex would do annual physical appts but I usually did urgent care, ER or anything complicated bc he gets really stressed out and in my observation irrational if it's too much more than a checkup. I think we have good language from the GAL that I suggested around agreeing to a camp schedule by a certain date each year so I can book the camps. the costs  I am bearing will factor into child support equations at least and yeah it's easier if I can just do it myself after consulting with him. I also got a recommended sentence that if the other party doesn't respond in 48 hours, it counts as consent.

I really don't want to move. I'll probably try to get at least a year to sell the house or buy him out and then figure out what I can manage. But you're right that I may have to accept that.

Fortunately the kids are too young for phones but they have an ipad a laptop and some video games. I'll try to come up with some reasonable boundaries. I guess I hope they will get bored of it if that's all they do with him. but I'm afraid they'll sink into it as a comfort zone which is what I've observed over the past year.

Thank you very much. It's hard making this transition from fighting for as much custody as I can, to accepting a likely 50/50 outcome.

[EyesUp]

I may have missed the 85-100% parenting time since separation.

At some point, that becomes status quo.

I gather that the GAL recommends 50/50 based on history?  Any other factors in the recommendation worth mentioning?

If there are any documented examples of your stbx missing appointments, getting the kids to school late (or communicating with school in an uproductive way), etc., it may be good to build a concise log of these occurrences.

If you could get more than 50/50 time, what would be ideal for you (that's not 100%)? 

Is there a way to tie the financial aspects to the schedule in a way that eliminates stressors for your stbx?  That might be another way to approach the negotiation, i.e., give him a "fair" amount of time, but reduce the total number of nights in a way that gives him more flexibility to get reestablished...   and likely reduces your CS obligation as well.

If your judge is on the ball, they might recognize the upside to your keeping the home - continuity for the kids at home, at school, etc. 

Or perhaps your stbx will recognize this on his own and agree to settle rather than drag everything out in front of a judge - at additional expense, no doubt.

Questions for you / your atty:  the GAL recommends 50/50, but is that merely a safe position?  Would the GAL object to you having 60% or 70% time and being the primary parent/decision maker?  Why or why not?   <- could be good to understand this before you go down that path...

[ForeverDad]

I've had them 100-85% of the time for about a year and a half and am already paying for extracurriculars, camp, health/dental. Ex would do annual physical appts but I usually did urgent care, ER or anything complicated bc he gets really stressed out and in my observation irrational if it's too much more than a checkup...

It's hard making this transition from fighting for as much custody as I can, to accepting a likely 50/50 outcome.

I didn't notice... is there a temp order that specified you had so much time or did he just acquiesce?  Or did ex fight that you had such a large majority time for so long?

What I'm getting at is the idea that while he may seek 50/50, is that just posturing or does he really want it that badly?  It could be that with equal time (on paper) then who gets child support could hinge on who has the least income.  Perhaps you could "negotiate" something between the current status quo and equal time.

Also, rather than suddenly going full 50/50, you could try to settle with a gradual "step-up" plan.  That way you could get a sense of where his true parenting "comfort zone" may be.  If it jumped to 50/50 and it wasn't working, then it might be a year or two before you could return to court to get it shifted to "what works".

Typically, family court makes incremental fixes to the status quo, hoping that tweaking things is better than huge changes that might upset the children.  So maybe you could blend that approach into any settlement.  In my case I was temp alternate weekends during the two year divorce, then moved up to equal time in shared parenting. A few years later I got full custody.  Another few years I got majority time.  I was frustrated that it took 8 years (from when son was 3yo to nearly 12yo) until I had an order that finally "worked".

[EyesUp]

I re-read the thread.

Early on, you mentioned that your atty was pushing for 50/50.  Then the GAL reco came in with 50/50.  Did you ever get an explanation from your atty - hopefully prior to the GAL report?

There is a lot of anecdotal commentary in the community about the shift toward a defacto 50/50 approach today, vs. the "tender years doctrine" that consistently favored moms in the past.  It might be helpful to get your atty's insight on where your state, county, and judge fall in this trend...

How was the GAL appointed/selected?  Does your atty have prior experience with the GAL?  Do you have insight to if/how your judge has worked with this GAL in the past?  i.e., does your atty know if the judge always takes the GAL's reco, vs. sometimes takes the GAL's reco?

Given the GAL's apparent lack of concern about your stbx's fairly recent issues, your best option may be to focus on a progressive step-up plan that gives time for the kids to adjust, and other specific points that enable you to keep primary parent status, tie-breaker status, and other elements of control to counterbalance his engagement or lack thereof.

You may have to accept that the kids will have a lot of screentime - many do these days - and that there will be different cultures in each home.  Many of us in these circumstances play a long game, and invest in the belief that in due time the kids will take the best from each home, each parent.