Feeling unsure

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Growing up, I always knew my mom was different. I remember thinking about running away as young as 10 or 11. I would see other people who had moms who always seemed to love them and it didn’t depend on what minute it was. My mom eventually took her own life 3 years ago. I was 27. I wondered if she had BPD when I was a teenager, but after she died I found paperwork that she was in fact diagnosed with it.
I have had one psychiatrist at an inpatient place suggest that I probably have it. I have had several counselors over the years who have said that I am too self aware to have it and suggest it’s probably just adhd. But when reading the DSM5 or websites I know I have it.
My mom was so mean to my dad and our home was always so turbulent. I swore off marriage when I was in high school. But now there is this guy, but I think it would still be safer to not get involved. What if I mess up his life like my mom did for my dad.   I’m not sure it’s just as easy deciding I won’t be like her. I don’t think always wanted to act like she did, but she never was able to change.
When she was alive, I didn’t have much compassion for her. But now that she is dead, and after I saw some of her journal entries that could have been taken straight from my journal, I wish I could talk to her and tell her I get it more now.

[Booklover123]

Growing up, I always knew my mom was different. I remember thinking about running away as young as 10 or 11. I would see other people who had moms who always seemed to love them and it didn’t depend on what minute it was. My mom eventually took her own life 3 years ago. I was 27. I wondered if she had BPD when I was a teenager, but after she died I found paperwork that she was in fact diagnosed with it.
I have had one psychiatrist at an inpatient place suggest that I probably have it. I have had several counselors over the years who have said that I am too self aware to have it and suggest it’s probably just adhd. But when reading the DSM5 or websites I know I have it.
My mom was so mean to my dad and our home was always so turbulent. I swore off marriage when I was in high school. But now there is this guy, but I think it would still be safer to not get involved. What if I mess up his life like my mom did for my dad.   I’m not sure it’s just as easy deciding I won’t be like her. I don’t think always wanted to act like she did, but she never was able to change.
When she was alive, I didn’t have much compassion for her. But now that she is dead, and after I saw some of her journal entries that could have been taken straight from my journal, I wish I could talk to her and tell her I get it more now.

[Methuen]

Hi Booklover.    Welcome!

I am sorry for all of it with your mom.  And the loss.

You sound so different from your mom.  My mom never got diagnosed.  Refused to ever see a counsellor.  She never once "looked inward", and "never grew".

Perhaps your mom was similar.

You seem different.  Your counsellors recognize you as self aware.  You are showing empathy for your mom after reading her journals and even thinking you wish you could talk to her now. 

If you have a chance at mutual and respectful love, and have a person who is "kind" and committed and would support you for better or worse, I would encourage you to take the chance, while you continue to "keep working on yourself".  Stay with your counsellor or therapist if you find that helpful.

On the other hand, if it feels better not to pursue a deeper relationship, then don't.  Sometimes if someone is putting pressure on you, it might not feel right.

You know your situation best.  It can be difficult to trust your own heart, when for so long your feelings were never validated.  Sometimes when that happens, we don't even know what our feelings are.  What do you "want"?

If you set the fear aside, do you "want" the relationship?  Or not want it?

Remember that you can enter a relationship, but relationships can evolve, and if at some future time it's not working for you, you always have the option to exit a relationship "with kindness".

 

[Notwendy]

I can relate to being "afraid" to act like my BPD mother. But it is inevitable that we would have similarities to our parents in some ways. They are our main role models. But we also are different from them- we are our own person-not the same.

We understand "not like them" but then what should we do? "Not like them" doesn't show us what we want to be like. It feels confusing. Also, it's possible that some of our behaviors are learned behaviors, not because we have BPD but because it is what we grow up with.

If you find that you share common feelings with your mother- this could be because we are all human and have human feelings. With BPD, people have difficulty regulating these feelings but not all difficulties with emotional regulation are because of BPD.

It's understandable that the prospect of a relationship is scary- but also, starting a relationship is an unknown. While it's considerate of you to not want to "mess up his life"- he's also an adult and responsible for his own choices and decisions too. Sometimes relationships last and sometimes they don't- and there are hurt feelings. Sometimes couples have disagreements and hurt feelings in a relationship but if there's communication and consideration- they can work this out. If it works, great. If it doesn't- there may be hurt feelings but if you have been considerate- this is not the same as "messing up someone's life".

I also was afraid of people not liking me because of my mother- but we are two different people. You are your own person too. If you want to have a relationship with this person- it would be sad to deny the possibility for yourself. One idea is to take the time to get to know each other. Moving too fast is one way people might miss signs of issues. I don't think there's a strict rule about how fast or how slow- but get to know each other and stay respectful.