Bpd mom abandoned me

[Supersaddaughter]

I have survived my bpd mother for 50 years only for her to abandon me. She came into money and initially made me think she was going to buy me a new house, car, etc plus give  me my inheritance. It was like finding out you won the lotto. I was making plans and dreaming about all the things me and my immediate family  could do  with our lives. I even had a new respect for her because I thought after all the hell she has put me through she is doing this for her kids. Maybe as restitution? It was exciting. When she actually had everything in her name free and clear she informed me she had already given me what she planned to give me. She has always used money to show love, punish, reward, etc. I often squandered it bc I felt it was my payback or whatever and I am just dysfunctional w money. She kind of encouraged it in a way. She never said what to do with it or not to do. Never objected to my spending. Never offered correction. (We are talking about ~40k over a 15 yr period.). Anyway, please don’t come at me bc I have lived through hell and yes I have issues. It was wrong of me to spend foolishly.
She has now cut me (her scapegoat) out of her life. There is no contact except happy birthday and merry Christmas texts.
Here is my problem. I cannot go one day without thinking of everything me and my family could do or be with that money while she is out spending outrageous amounts on things like psychics and her 7th husband who is probably around for the money. She could have changed all of our lives. Instead she just cut me off. I have stayed with her through hell and she wins the lotto and just drops me like a bad habit?? 
The reason as far as I can tell is that I won’t forgive her for past behaviors and I need to get over it. But it’s not the past it is her current offenses that I push back on. She has never stopped the abuse. How do you forgive someone that keeps offending?  I want so badly to not want anything else than what I have but I think about the money all the time. I’m not poor but I live paycheck to paycheck. 

[Notwendy]

No, I won't come after you. I think you and I are on different sides of BPD dysfunction with money. BPD mother controlled the money in the family. I knew to not ask for or expect any money from her and I didn't want to. I aimed at becoming independent early on. I also felt I had to be.

From my own experience, I think the only way forward is to take your own steps to regain some financial security. I think emotions and money are connected and we have BPD mothers who also have disordered thinking and behaviors when it comes to money. You didn't have a role model for money management but it can be learned.

It will probably take some counseling to unravel the emotional aspect but I think it's worth doing.

[Supersaddaughter]

No, I won't come after you. I think you and I are on different sides of BPD dysfunction with money. BPD mother controlled the money in the family. I knew to not ask for or expect any money from her and I didn't want to. I aimed at becoming independent early on. I also felt I had to be.

From my own experience, I think the only way forward is to take your own steps to regain some financial security. I think emotions and money are connected and we have BPD mothers who also have disordered thinking and behaviors when it comes to money. You didn't have a role model for money management but it can be learned.

It will probably take some counseling to unravel the emotional aspect but I think it's worth doing.

I know why I am the way I am about money. I am so tired Ive been in therapy too many times.  Therapists never think it’s a problem bc they think I have plenty and sort of dismiss it. . I think she has beat me this time.

[Notwendy]

I understand . While I didn’t want money- I did want some sentimental items that belonged to my father. BPD mother didn’t want them but also she didn’t let me have them. If she knows someone wants something of hers - that’s something she won’t let them have. It’s a form of control. After my father passed away she disowned me - then renowned me later. I knew to not want or expect anything from her.

Still - it hurts to be abandoned/ dismissed like that. It’s understandable you feel beaten at this time. I hope you can gain some confidence in yourself but at the moment - the feelings are what they are.

[Supersaddaughter]

I understand . While I didn’t want money- I did want some sentimental items that belonged to my father. BPD mother didn’t want them but also she didn’t let me have them. If she knows someone wants something of hers - that’s something she won’t let them have. It’s a form of control. After my father passed away she disowned me - then renowned me later. I knew to not want or expect anything from her.

Still - it hurts to be abandoned/ dismissed like that. It’s understandable you feel beaten at this time. I hope you can gain some confidence in yourself but at the moment - the feelings are what they are.

Thank you. Helps to be heard.

[Notwendy]

I know why I am the way I am about money. I am so tired Ive been in therapy too many times.  Therapists never think it’s a problem bc they think I have plenty and sort of dismiss it. . I think she has beat me this time.

I actually think this isn't about money. Money is one way the emotional issues are expressed. There is both an emotional and factual aspect to how people spend money. Someone with a lot of money could spend until they are broke. Someone with a lot of money might be miserly with it. What is being done with the money is emotional and not connected to the amount.

My BPD mother is emotionally and verbally abusive. She does this in several ways and one of them is with money. So, it's not really the money that is the issue- it's the emotional abuse and control. My mother can be stingy and also overly generous with money- but if she's generous, it's with obligations and control. But the bottom line to this is that it is abusive behavior.

Your BPD mother fostered a dependence with you, made promises, and then abruptly changed with you. That is on her. It's understandable you are angry, shocked and resentful. Maybe you didn't see this side of her before or think she'd go that far. Now you do. I like to reference the Maya Angelou quote- when someone shows you who they are- believe them.

I have seen my BPD mother use her money as a license to be abusive to someone. Or hold it out until they do something she wants them to do. My BPD mother also does this with sentimental objects. "If you want this----------you would do that--------".

The reality though is that- my mother can do whatever she wants with her money and possessions and there's nothing anyone else can do about that. We can't control another person. We can only control our own responses. At the moment, while you are in emotional shock and anger- it's hard to see beyond that. We are going to feel what we feel and so that needs to be processed.

[Methuen]

Hey Supersad,

I am sorry it is like this for you.

As I was reading your first few sentences, I knew exactly what was coming. 

I completely concur with everything NW has said.  She has said it well.

This isn’t about the money, although it may feel like it to you. 

She set you up.  Made you a promise.  Got you thinking about all the things you were going to do.  Then she saw how much you wanted it.   It’s like she baited you.

Are you able to see how she used the money as a tool to have power and control over you?  She’ll give you the money if you give her something in return.  What is it she wants?  There are always strings attached. Everything is conditional on us meeting THEIR needs.  This isn’t really about you or even the money.  It’s about her. And her power.

You are in shock right now.  Take the time necessary to process that shock.  The Maya Angelo quote is perfect. You are grieving.  We’ve all been there.  You are not alone. 

I also agree that your financial independence is the key to your freedom here.  Thirty years ago my H and I purchased a house.  We were dirt poor and budgeted every liter of milk and postage stamp.  My mom cut us a cheque for $10,000 and surprised us by just handing it to us.  We looked at each other and knew that we agreed to decline accepting it.  In that moment we took our power back.  &$@7#% hit the wall as she verbally and emotionally attacked us for not loving her.  She felt rejected because we refused her money.  She ghosted us for a month.  That only reinforced how we had made the right decision.

You will get through this.

We are here to listen and support. 

[CC43]

Hi Supersad,

Indeed I think you're correct in feeling abandoned and manipulated.  Your mom made an implied promise of giving you something, something that would be life-changing for both of you.  You probably had expectations for a nice life, as well as dreams of repairing the long-dysfunctional relationship with your mother.  It's natural to want both things, the promise of a happy life at last.  And because it's about your mom--probably the most important relationship of your lifetime--you yearned for it to be true.  You thought, maybe she grew up at last, and maybe you both were ready to repair the relationship and move forward to a mutually content life.  Alas, she disappointed you once again.  You knew in your heart that she would probably betray you, but you held out hope because she's your mom after all.  And now maybe you're angry with yourself for believing that things could be different.  And you know what?  Feeling like you lost this chance probably hurts you even more than if the promise of an inheritance were never made in the first place.  Psychologically, you typically feel the pain of losses more strongly than you feel the pleasure of gains.  There's an expression that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  I'm not sure that's true, because the feeling is loss is so intense.  With BPD in your life, those feelings tend to be an order of magnitude higher in intensity.  Maybe that's why you're feeling supersad.  To add insult to injury, you mom appears to be squandering the money, and perhaps she is enjoying exerting control over you.  I think you're justified in feeling the way you do.  Maybe if you give yourself a little grace, and focus on looking forward in your own independent life, you might start to feel better.  At the very least, you could learn from your mother's example and never treat anyone else in your life the way she treated you. 

[Notwendy]

Taking away the money aspect- your post is about being abandoned. I can relate to this feeling.  BPD mother was angry at me at the time my father passed away and apparently wrote me out of her legal papers (I don't recall the details).

Money was not a factor here- as by then, it was already established I should not expect anything from BPD mother. However, to look at the larger picture- abusive behavior can take many forms. Money is just one of the vehicles for BPD mother's relationship dynamics- It's power for her- if you need her money she has a sense of control which also diminishes her fear of abandonment. If she's angry and projecting that, she can pull the money away. Push-pull dynamics are common with BPD and money can be a vehicle for that.

So, just because she couldn't be hurtful on the basis of finances doesn't mean it didn't feel hurtful to be dismissed like that- as you described. Also, at the time. BPD mother didn't have a need for the relationship. Dad left her money and she was fine with that at the time.

I think this is what is going on with your BPD mother too. My BPD mother's behavior was not about me or personal. It was all about her, her feelings in the moment. It was a part of the push pull pattern. She later "reowned" me. But I did learn from the experience- and am able to see her behavior as being about her.

Still, there are moments. When she was moving out of her house, she offered one of her paintings on the wall to a friend. The friend was considerate and called me first to be sure we kids didn't want it before she accepted it. I started to cry. Not because I wanted the painting. I wanted her to have it. She had done so much for my mother- she should have it. It was because, my mother had not offered me anything. The friend recognized the relationship but my mother had not. Since it was obvious I was crying, I explained why. I think the friend must have talked to my mother after that, as she did give me an item that was sentimental to me later.

So yes, it's not just the money, it's not just the painting. It's about recognizing the relationship.

What your mother has done with you is hurtful, it's not kind to an adult child to prolong their dependence, or to make promises and not follow through. I have learned that my BPD mother may say something in the moment, or promise something in the moment and then change her mind. It's a difficult realization.

Once you are able to get throught the feelings ( and they are real and you do feel what you feel) I hope, in a way, you can see a silver lining to this situation as it now disconnects you from what was a possibly manipulative situation. While it has created some financial issues for you, there's freedom in this possibility.

It's not possible to know what will happen in the future. One possibility is that your mother may attempt to reconnect with you, either with her money or if she doesn't have it anymore due to her spending. I think if you can establish your own financial security, you will be in a better position to decide on your part in the relationship and your boundaries. It's one step at a time, and once you process the feelings, I hope you will take that step.