Compromising VS Enabeling

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello,

One of the most difficult things I had to try and discern in my relationship with my Ex that has BPD is whether to adjust my life to what he was asking me to do for him or for "the relationship", and whether it was beneficial overall or just another control for short term validation he was trying to acquire.

Examples:

He wanted me to have supper with him every night and to not take a job that would not allow me to do this. I had an interview for a much better job with more pay and benefits. I actually said that I would like to be home for supper during my interview, and they adjusted my schedule to suit this. However,  a few months into my new job,My BPD partner said he didn't like that I left before he was home from work, and then I came back for one hour for supper, and he would like for me to go in later to work so I'd be home when he got home from his job and stay for supper, then leave, so we had more time together. I again, asked my boss if this would be ok, and again, she allowed me to change my hours.

A few more months in my new job, my BPD partner said he didn't like that I wasn't home to sleep in bed with him in the middle of the night and when I got home at 3am ,he was ready to get up. He wanted me to work days like him. At this point, I told him my new job would not fit that schedule, we had weekends together, and if he wanted to have bed time, I can hop on in when I got home at 3am if he just stayed in bed awhile longer. He said he cannot, he is ready to get up at that time. This was a thing brought up in contemptuous ways from my partner on a regular basis.

EXAMPLE #2-

My BPD Partner wanted me to pick up the phone every time he called and to text within a few minutes of his text. He also wanted me to call/text him good morning and good night every day. I told him that would not be possible, because of my work and my obligations. I said I always respond as soon as I can, and it's usually within an hour. I also stated that he can wish me a good morning or a good nite if he felt like it, and it was a 2 way street.He tends to fall asleep at all different times, and usually pretty early, and I am working, so how about if he texts goodnight when he  turns in , and I will text good morning before leaving work since he will just be getting up. He refused, and said that he wants it the way he said and it means everything to him. He also wants to hear my voice, not just a text. I told him it doesn't function well, and I felt like he just wants me to jump through hoops to somehow prove my love for him. I will fail, and it should be a natural process in a relationship to just be randomly thinking of the other and text, or call here and there and his constant contact with me is wearing me down- ( He would call me at work numerous times and sometimes want to talk all night). He just got upset/angry, and again, it was brought up numerous times in a contemptuous manner.

If it isn't one hoop its 3,4,5... If I kiss him good morning, the kiss was too soft or not passionate enough, or I kissed him after I acknowledged the cat and he was upset. My touch wasn't loving enough, or my voice tone was not right..Etc, Etc..

 With the nit picking, I could put my boundaries up much faster and say in the calmest, loving manner that I meant love with all my actions and words.It's the bigger asks that he had that I needed to logically lay out and pull apart to see what it would do in the long run before I could agree.I didn't want to enable toxic behaviors.

All of this work I had put in throughout our relationship never made a true difference because the goal line was always moved further.He was never satisfied that I validated my love for him. His resentments just grew and his mind played games with himself that had him believing all the worst case scenarios. All the things I gave up or shifted to make him feel at ease, ended up being thrown back at me , as he would state "who the "F" cares-that doesn't matter!" when he didn't get his way in a situation. Rationalizing with him did not work.

Some things I changed to suit what he requested I'm still ok with, but others  still hurt my heart, like staying on the couch on weekends with him when he wouldn't come to bed and I would stroke his hair, face, and back for hours as he fell asleep and then I would stay and hold his hand until 3 am even though I would rather be in a comfortable bed with him. He stated that my touch was so wonderful and soothed his anxiety.When he would get up at 3am,I would then go to bed.Later in our relationship when he started saying that "he does it all in our relationship", and that " he shows so much more love than I do" , I was in tears verbalizing a list of all the things I do to show my love, and when it came to stating the couch time I stayed to give him love he yelled back at me " We are not F'ing teenagers ,holding hands on the couch, "F' That!! ; Who cares!!" I was crushed. I never gave loving touches on the couch again , and he blamed me for a sexless relationship even though he wouldn't come to bed with me.

He tore me down, and I would build myself back up the best I could. I had to end the relationship before I had no solid foundation left to build on. He didn't want counseling/therapy together or separately. I ache still, but I am healthier and more at peace. I miss the Funny, joyful, engaging guy I first met and fell in love with. I miss having him see me as a loving partner instead of his enemy.

[M033]

Hello,

One of the most difficult things I had to try and discern in my relationship with my Ex that has BPD is whether to adjust my life to what he was asking me to do for him or for "the relationship", and whether it was beneficial overall or just another control for short term validation he was trying to acquire.

Examples:

He wanted me to have supper with him every night and to not take a job that would not allow me to do this. I had an interview for a much better job with more pay and benefits. I actually said that I would like to be home for supper during my interview, and they adjusted my schedule to suit this. However,  a few months into my new job,My BPD partner said he didn't like that I left before he was home from work, and then I came back for one hour for supper, and he would like for me to go in later to work so I'd be home when he got home from his job and stay for supper, then leave, so we had more time together. I again, asked my boss if this would be ok, and again, she allowed me to change my hours.

A few more months in my new job, my BPD partner said he didn't like that I wasn't home to sleep in bed with him in the middle of the night and when I got home at 3am ,he was ready to get up. He wanted me to work days like him. At this point, I told him my new job would not fit that schedule, we had weekends together, and if he wanted to have bed time, I can hop on in when I got home at 3am if he just stayed in bed awhile longer. He said he cannot, he is ready to get up at that time. This was a thing brought up in contemptuous ways from my partner on a regular basis.

EXAMPLE #2-

My BPD Partner wanted me to pick up the phone every time he called and to text within a few minutes of his text. He also wanted me to call/text him good morning and good night every day. I told him that would not be possible, because of my work and my obligations. I said I always respond as soon as I can, and it's usually within an hour. I also stated that he can wish me a good morning or a good nite if he felt like it, and it was a 2 way street.He tends to fall asleep at all different times, and usually pretty early, and I am working, so how about if he texts goodnight when he  turns in , and I will text good morning before leaving work since he will just be getting up. He refused, and said that he wants it the way he said and it means everything to him. He also wants to hear my voice, not just a text. I told him it doesn't function well, and I felt like he just wants me to jump through hoops to somehow prove my love for him. I will fail, and it should be a natural process in a relationship to just be randomly thinking of the other and text, or call here and there and his constant contact with me is wearing me down- ( He would call me at work numerous times and sometimes want to talk all night). He just got upset/angry, and again, it was brought up numerous times in a contemptuous manner.

If it isn't one hoop its 3,4,5... If I kiss him good morning, the kiss was too soft or not passionate enough, or I kissed him after I acknowledged the cat and he was upset. My touch wasn't loving enough, or my voice tone was not right..Etc, Etc..

 With the nit picking, I could put my boundaries up much faster and say in the calmest, loving manner that I meant love with all my actions and words.It's the bigger asks that he had that I needed to logically lay out and pull apart to see what it would do in the long run before I could agree.I didn't want to enable toxic behaviors.

All of this work I had put in throughout our relationship never made a true difference because the goal line was always moved further.He was never satisfied that I validated my love for him. His resentments just grew and his mind played games with himself that had him believing all the worst case scenarios. All the things I gave up or shifted to make him feel at ease, ended up being thrown back at me , as he would state "who the "F" cares-that doesn't matter!" when he didn't get his way in a situation. Rationalizing with him did not work.

Some things I changed to suit what he requested I'm still ok with, but others  still hurt my heart, like staying on the couch on weekends with him when he wouldn't come to bed and I would stroke his hair, face, and back for hours as he fell asleep and then I would stay and hold his hand until 3 am even though I would rather be in a comfortable bed with him. He stated that my touch was so wonderful and soothed his anxiety.When he would get up at 3am,I would then go to bed.Later in our relationship when he started saying that "he does it all in our relationship", and that " he shows so much more love than I do" , I was in tears verbalizing a list of all the things I do to show my love, and when it came to stating the couch time I stayed to give him love he yelled back at me " We are not F'ing teenagers ,holding hands on the couch, "F' That!! ; Who cares!!" I was crushed. I never gave loving touches on the couch again , and he blamed me for a sexless relationship even though he wouldn't come to bed with me.

He tore me down, and I would build myself back up the best I could. I had to end the relationship before I had no solid foundation left to build on. He didn't want counseling/therapy together or separately. I ache still, but I am healthier and more at peace. I miss the Funny, joyful, engaging guy I first met and fell in love with. I miss having him see me as a loving partner instead of his enemy.