Too exhausted and hurt

[Lasttry]

I am being very cautious about what I type here, as my partner has full access to everything including my emails, is there a way I can turn off receiving any emails?

[kells76]

Welcome! 

Let me see what I can do about notifications.

[kells76]

The intro email that gets sent is a one-off, so moving forward you shouldn't be getting any emails sent to you -- I checked, and notifications are off for threads/topics and for PM's (private messages). You can check your own settings, too: below the dark green menu bar at the top of the forum page, there should be a light green menu bar. Near the right side there is a "my settings" option; click there, then on the page that opens, there's a "modify profile" list on the left side. Go thru those and confirm it's what you want. It will show you your email address, but that's not visible publicly.

Are you using a username that your pwBPD (person with BPD) knows, or that you use elsewhere? If not, and as long as you don't share/synch devices or use real names in your posts, you should be fine 

What's going on in your relationship?

[Lasttry]

Thank you Kells76

The only part of this account that links to myself is the email address, I even use a private browser.

OK, so for 26 years I've been alone knowing my partner hasn't been right, she easily overreacts, she will hear things I havent said and twist them into hate, she can love me and hate me at the same time, she's been an alcoholic, cheated countless times, loses all her friends, spent thousands on very short lived hobbies, the list goes on. She has ended our relationship multiple times, but for me this is the last time, I can't keep going round and round with someone who is refusing to get help or accept any responsibility, she has taken so much out of me. She did go to a handful of counselling sessions and was "cured" as I was apparently the problem, she was told to kick me out, I personally know the counsellor and can well believe she would have said that due to some bitterness between us, but it's very unprofessional. Since April we have been living together because of our family but I am constantly threatened with being kicked out, we are now in a house that she can not take from me, but the arguments can be explosive as I'm sure you all know, latest one being I took her sister shopping as I was going but didn't ask my partner first, so in her eyes I am sleeping with her sister, which I am not doing, I have never cheated on her, but if things are as over as she says then surely it shouldn't matter? I am tired of trying to help her, she does nothing but hurt me over and over again, I feel so worthless, ugly, unneeded, useless, unloved, the list is endless and soul destroying.
I had cancer a few years ago and almost died, she turned all her emotions off, I felt so isolated, obviously she blamed me, probably an abandonment issue, but I got better, mid last year a scan showed something that needed to be looked into, she knew this but told me she would try! to get home from work early enough for me to make the appointment, she just about got home on time, I then have to go through all the scans and tests alone, I wasn't sleeping, 2 to 4 hours of broken sleep a night for months, I bought some weed so I could sleep, and she went ballistic, I told her why which seemed to shock her, I was sick of doing it all alone, I could be dying, the next morning she climbed into bed crying I said no you don't want this, she said I need to and cuddled up, I shouldn't have let her but I did, that hurt me so much, but later that day she was back to hating me and telling me I had to move out. I don't know what to do anymore, she's got so much worse over the last year, yet still thinks she is fine. It messing me up and the kids, but what can I do? If I kick her out she will definitely start drinking again at the very least, I look at her and still see the woman I fell for, but the confusing part is, did that woman ever really exist?

[Lasttry]

Thing have gotten worse, if you can believe that. She is quitting her work and applying for a another job, more hours, less pay, more travelling, she's also decided she's moving out, and it's all my fault because of my "head fuxks" as she likes to say. This woman is killing me, totally destroying every ounce of love, hope and happiness I have, ruining everything we have built for 26 years and she couldn't care less. There doesn't seem much help for the people like me dealing with the aftermath of BPD and I'm sure lots of you feel much like I have over the years, alone, depressed, worthless, unlovable, ugly, sexually undesirable, and more, to the point we wish we would just stop being, pained just to be waking up, it's constant torture

[Lasttry]

Quick update for those who would like to read it.

Apparently, my partner is looking for another house and telling anyone who will listen just what a terrible abusive person I am, obviously I am not abusive in anyway, lime we all know someone with BPD can find an argument if we say we love them.

I know she's always been "not right" I just never knew what it was, I've spent at least a year learning about BPD, and as much as it explains what is going on with her it doesn't ease the crushing pains.
In just a few short days it would be our anniversary, it genuinely killing me inside.

Lately I have been thinking about the timings of things worsening, it all aligns with perimenopause, since the start of that she had become a completely different person, to the point where she eats foods she never liked, does things she hated, remembers that's that didn't happen, and more.
I'm so exhausted and left empty, she meant everything to me, for 26 years she's been my future dreams, we planned our whole life out, but have fallen to this mess and heartache.
I have been growing closer to someone I've spoken to for 15 years, she really helps me, and most times I see a future, but then I see my partner and its like a huge devastatingly emotional gut punch, should I have done more? Should I force her out the house? Should I leave my family home?