At a Loss and Crossroads

[K2 Polar Bear]

It has been a 34 year journey, 27 years married. I went to personal therapy 8 years ago "as I was the problem" and have remained consistently the problem in her eyes despite trying marriage therapy throughout our journey on my request - all failed - she split and ended up leaving. Finally, I gently suggested my wife to talk therapist for herself after last child left for college and the difficult perimenopause time of life. Pandoras box opened of emotions that she walled off for years (decades), actually she said she never felt emotions for decades, and openly admits intentionally tried to hurt me for decades since she had so much shame, no self identity and felt like a child and wanted to make me hurt how she hurt. She is a high functioning educated professional. Now 3 years of therapy and tens of thousands of dollars for both of us, extensive psychological testing (disorganized attachment for her, CPTSD, very high ACE score, etc, but understandably none of the many therapists want to label BPD as it is a difficult to diagnosis and she does not self harm or self destructive behavior I am aware of. EMDR, DBT and marriage therapy for her weekly (for over 16 months) until she was convinced the first marriage therapist was actively trying to break us up and confronted her and we then were released as not trust. Marriage intensives with Phd... can't label or diagnosis but read this book on how to live with someone with the BPD condition. We have made improvement but finally have had some of the best connected weeks in our lives (only on vacation when away from work, we are empty nesters). Only to be home in the real world for one day and the run away and push away starts and she cannot even recognize it. I am struggling with her black and white splits seen by different marriage therapists and intensives and the absolute disconnection of upper level thinking. My issue, I have no problem excepting I am a flawed human with perpetual problems. She refuses to think she has any problem except her emotions. Which are real but then creates her reality which may or may not even by close to what is actually occurring. I am securely attached, have managed generalized anxiety that developed in early 40s created in the earlier part of marriage secondary to both emotional and the very infrequent physical abuse ("but you can't be hurt since you are a man" or "I deserved it"). I understand my own issues and continue to work on not taking the bait and reacting to constant hurtful comments and actions. I am finally at an impasse as it has been back door suggested to learn about unconventional BPD, at our last intensive, and that I must follow all these guidelines to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering her. Even a slight and minor solvable conflict sets our toxic cycle off. The hard part is when not split (split happens at least once every month, down from every week three years ago) things can be very good, we both are good people, share similar values, and built a great life and now at our age it should be our time to have fun, travel, etc. However, I am so absolutely exhausted managing daily life with her and the unpredictable response to any perceived or real manageable conflict inevitable in any relationship. I feel hopeless to be my authentic secure self as that threaten hers or how "can I love her" but still have a conflict with her. She only understands hating me or loving me intensely. She has also threatened financial harm at times when split, to destroy my life, and take the kids (no longer an issue as empty nesters). I am lost, I am a man, and very few people understand what it is like to go through this or even how a man could be physically abused and allow myself to be treated the way I am treated. Even my own daughter has told me many times just to get out... granted she is under 25 and not fully developed. I feel so alone, lost, confused and exhausted. I regained my confidence and self esteem 12 months ago that had been humiliated out of me. My physical health and many physical ailments have resolved with my improved and resolved own mental health. I am in the best mental, emotional and physical health in 14 years. I have worked on trauma bonding a bit, and my own contributing problems that trigger her that are my own perpetual problems. It sounds weird -  my logical brain says this is ridiculous and should move on. But then the good times and life we have built and promise of a future could be good. But with each split, which she does not recognize (4 separate therapists have seen it many times). Maybe my understandings is wrong of the situation, but I did not come to the conclusion lightly over the last 3 years. She is a high functioning professional and other than therapists and family who see the splits and behavior, the public side is well managed. She is 100% convinced it is because I cannot validate her big emotions. In one intensive I was advised no matter what I do or say, she will always not accept it so I must just be her person and use some validating talk given to me to try. I am exhausted and lost and trying to make a decision to stay or go - or at least have someone else validate my decade long experience of threats to leave (4 times threatened divorce anytime a major life event happened such as moving, death of family member, birth of children), actually running away, and almost all the boxes except for self harm get ticked. I found this website via the book recommend in private from a several day marriage intensive Phd therapist. Anyone else have similar life experience ? Any wisdom? Exhausted.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RevScot]

Hey K2, thank you for sharing some of the deepest parts of your journey.  I validate you as a strong man, because anyone lesser wouldn't have put the work in that you have, and I am sorry for your struggles.

In short, and without taking away the very personal aspects of your story, many of us here have and are regularly experiencing the things you have described.  I'm pretty new here, so I'll leave top level thoughts to the veterans.  But I can share some of my own story so that you know you have a brother.

My uBPDw is very high functioning and receives accolades in every role she fills outside of the home.  She is lauded for efficiency, accuracy, excellency and even relationship building.  Inside the home is polar opposite.  She has made enemies of our 2 oldest, 16yo and 15yo, and anything slightly negative they do is my fault.  At this stage she has labelled me a complete enemy and regularly says she wishes she had never met me.  Divorce threats are a regular.  We don't share a room.  She won't be in the same room as me for any length of time.

For my part and some backstory, we had opposite upbringings.  Hers was a life of abuse, abandonment, self-preservation and chaos from a very young age.  I was constantly jibed at by friends for growing up "in the Cosby house", very peaceful, well provided for, supportive and loving.  I suppose she saw me as a source of stability, while I was naively taken with her beauty and a sense of wonder at her depth.  24 years of marriage later and I am a completely broken person.  I am most likely struggling with significant depression, have no sense of value, no drive, no deep friendships, 30 lbs. overweight with health issues, and exhausted from the warfare.  The undiagnosed part of our story is a real difficulty.  She hates counselling and sets herself up to be a deeply spiritual person who lives in the light.  We are at constant war.  I sometimes comfort myself with the idea that when our youngest is out of the house I'll be free, but in reality I know that is much more complicated that I'm willing to admit.

I have scheduled a first counselling appointment for us this coming Monday with someone who specialises in marriage but also childhood trauma, etc.  I'd be lying if I said I was hopeful.

You are not alone.

[K2 Polar Bear]

Thank you for the reply, and this website I have been working through, I feel way less alone and more validated knowning my chronic feelings and struggles are sadly shared with others... despite 8 years of therapy and intensives this is the first forum that resonates and I am learning from... I kinda understand why therapists want to dance around a label but it does not help the partners in these situations ... much to learn reading these blogs and website.