Mother died from Heroin OD ; Aspiring to remain working in Social Service

[SoulBird7]

  First post   

I've been working in the social service sector for 8 years ; Completed a bachelor's in psychology at a prestigious college (scraping by). Played college football at the QB position. All done in a new state and with little (blood) family support.

My mother (whom I was extremely close with) died from a heroin OD a little less than a year prior to me leaving off for college.

She abandoned me and our home 3 years prior to her fatal OD, following an OD where I found her and responded. In response, I completed most of my high-school career at my dad/step-mom's house (a very quiet place).

At current, I'm estranged from my blood family. I felt tired of being invalidated and misunderstood continuously.

I've been referred to this community by a colleague, as I'm intent on diving deeper into my own therapeutic work (though, I realize my post up until this point has been pretty surface level).

Not only do I feel the need to do therapeutic work for my own good and those around me, but I also feel hopeful that if I do, I can help others in the realm of therapy (mommy stuff, I feel sure of). Working in social services, though difficult often, seems like the only career field I actually desire to be in. I'm willing to take up other work for financial reasons and reprieve, but I haven't found anything else that sparks the soul.

Control and shame are areas that I've struggled with and that can be apparent in my interactions with others. I feel hopeful that I can chip away at those facets with the help of my therapist and others.

 

Thank you all

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this forum. I commend you for your resilience and also for your academic succes at college while also balancing time for athletics. That is an accomplishment to be proud of.

So sorry to hear you lost your mother, and at a young age. While our individual situations may be different, we do have common experiences here. It is good you are in therapy. Many of us are in some kind of counseling too. This is a lay person board and so a therapist can provide one on one professional counseling.

As you know from your profession, BPD and addictions can co-exist, and family dynamics are similar with either one. I am surprised that counselors I have consulted with didn't suggest ACA and CODA- but one did a while back and I have found that to be very helpful.  If you have not looked into this, I would suggest this to you and also by being familiar with it, you could refer your clients if it could help them too. It does not take the place of professional counseling or this board- but it's another avenue to consider in addition.

I think control and shame are common issues for children who grow up with these dynamics. If you post some specifics (don't post indentifying info) I think people here can relate.

[HappyChappy]

Welcome to the forum, SoulBird7. So sorry to hear about you mother, but well done in rising high out of the ashes.  This site helped me with control and shame.

Shame is a bullying tactic, often aimed at something you can't change. Guilt is healthier, as it's normally about something you do have control over.

My issue with control is when someone uses bullying tactic or cheats to get control (e.g. Politicians or Wars) as that normally indicates their ideas can't work and they would lose the debate if they were truthful. What are your issues with control and shame ?

[SoulBird7]

Thanks, HappyChappy.

I find myself at work (where I'm asked to instruct hospital staff in behavioral emergency responses) judging other staff members for non-professionalism or being inattentive or being dismissive. In my mind, it's me shaming them in hopes of controlling the outcome. Their reactions to my reorientation or direction often appears to leave them feeling shame, or perhaps guilty.

[Notwendy]

Shame is a common issue- and I have heard of intergenerational shame. It's a difficult emotion to process. If you are using shame as a control - it's possible this is what you experienced as a child. Someone ( probably a parent) shamed you.

You have a lot of insight to this, and being in social services, you are aware that using shame as a means of getting better performance in the workplace may be effective in the sense that employees may comply for fear losing their job or a negative review, but also not good for workplace moral.

For you though, if you grew up with this, it may be something you perceive as "normal" in the sense that we don't have another example of how to interact.

Do you have insight as to why use shame? Do you want to change this and how would want to do that?

[SoulBird7]

Thanks, NotWendy.

A lot of the messages I received from my family early on in life had a tune of "you're not anything unless you do this"

Or "suck it up and get on with it"

Much like the messages we all hear in school, or at work, or (unfortunately) in the community.

I'm admittedly conflicted as to whether I want to change my approach as an instructor. I'd love to connect and be more understanding of the staff's shortcomings, but I feel that in doing so I'm also enabling them to skip over what needs to be learned for patient/staff safety.

In writing this, I'm realizing I'm passing along many of those same messages I received as a kid to those I instruct.

An alternative? Ohhhhhh softer correction? More subtle correction?

I was taught a C.A.G.E method for instructing at another job...Compliment, Assess, Goal, Exercise....but that takes time we sometimes do not have as instructors.

Validate and reorient?  (i.e. I hear what you're saying, and here's another way to view it)?

[Notwendy]

Did one of your parents or family members have BPD? How would the understanding about BPD help you in your own growth and career?

I think you understand the connection between how one is raised and how we behave with others. It makes sense. This is what we have learned. Also, as you have seen, some are very positive and have contributed to your success. We want to keep the ones that serve us well and then work on changing the ones that don't.

When you speak of the staff, you have concerns about their shortcomings and don't want to enable them. Yes, in the situation of safety, one has to have very high standards. And, since we are humans, we all have shortcomings and you want them to learn but - people also want to feel as if they are competent and having too much control and feeling inadequate can also be counterproductive.

There's external and internal motivation. Being controlling of the staff and pointing out shortcomings is external motivation. They will do the job out of fear. However, some may be internally motivated and want to do the job out of their own commitment to safety. For most jobs, there's both- the paycheck, chances for raises, good evaluations and internal- wanting to feel competent. Some staff may respond to other methods of instruction, but it makes sense you wouldn't want to try that until you feel you have learned that better, so as to not take safety risks.

[HappyChappy]

Thanks, HappyChappy.

I find myself at work (where I'm asked to instruct hospital staff in behavioral emergency responses) judging other staff members for non-professionalism or being inattentive or being dismissive. In my mind, it's me shaming them in hopes of controlling the outcome. Their reactions to my reorientation or direction often appears to leave them feeling shame, or perhaps guilty.

Could you ask your organisation for training on giving feedback ? There is a way of presenting things to staff as "training opportunities", rather than mistakes or issues.Start with a positive, then point out the opportunity for change, then end on a positive. Even if the positive is you like something they're wearing. It's call the 1 minute manager, good in busy environments.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Boy you had it rough growing up, but you are strong and resilient indeed.  That you found a profession that fits your interests is a blessing.

Regarding training, I've evolved over the years in my methods.  At first, I used to be hyper-sensitive about criticizing anyone, even if I had to point out their mistakes.  There was one fellow that I trained, and it seemed that he didn't hear any of my corrections whatsoever, and he continued to make the same mistakes over and over again, even though he was intelligent and seemed to work hard at his job.  I think part of my problem was that I wasn't direct enough.  It took me a while to learn that he responded much better to blunt, instantaneous feedback.  I wasn't mean about it, but I had to learn to be more direct, timely and specific.  From then on, he took my feedback well, because he knew I wanted him to succeed at his job.

Then over time, I found that people generally learned faster when they made mistakes at first.  Do you know that expression, Failure is an excellent teacher?  Well, I started to use that concept when training.  Rather than slowly go through the material, step by step, with exhaustive detail, and being very prescriptive about how I wanted things to be done, I'd present a quick overview.  Then I'd say, I want you to try this task yourself, and when you're done, we'll go over your work together, and I'll give you feedback.  I'll be sure to point out what you did well and not so well, and then I'll show you how I want you to do it.  You're going to make some mistakes, because this is the first time that you're learning this.  But I want you to try it out by yourself first, so you see what's involved.  You're going to struggle, but that's the best way to learn.  OK?  That way, the learner is prepared to make mistakes, and not feel dejected when I make corrections.  In fact, I'll say things like, "I'm glad you made this mistake, because it's a very common one.  You see how easy it is to get tripped up?  But if you do it this way, which might not be the fastest or most obvious way, you'll do it right the first time, and you'll save time in the long run.  Plus, it's important for you do the task this way, because people's lives depend on you doing this task correctly.  You are integral to the team, and the team and customers are depending on you!

I just thought you might consider that technique.  All the best.