Help!

[rigger]

I am sitting on the only couch i have left trying to figure out what the hell happened and what I should do. After watching many videos I have come to the conclusion that my wife has BPD. My wife is very jealous and I cant even be in a parking lot with her because if a woman walks by I am accused of staring at her even though I am literally looking in the opposite direction because I know what happens next, at least a week of torture. If I am watching you tube videos and a video shows a clothed woman next to the one I am watching I am accused  of looking at her and get chastised for days.

She called the police on me and I went to jail after she accused me of having emotional affairs. when I finally was able to get into the house after she had an estate sale as I found the sign in the living room She sold everything and moved to Washington state with my military daughter and all 401K log in info, all Credit Card log in info and 500K in community assets were taken. Not worried about that as I had already filed for divorce and removing assets is a big no no and that will come back to bite her in the behind. The crazy thing is I would still take her back after we have a pre nuptial agreement and separate finances. The reason for this is I am a devout Catholic and marriage is forever. Her behavior has been present throughout our whole marriage.

I am very physically/mentally healthy and love being on my own now. I feel a great sense of relief as I can continue to be the best me I can be. The writing was on the wall a few years ago and started my journey mentally that it was over. I am still open to reconciliation but I just don't know what my life would be like. How do I even start to reconcile with someone who has BPD ? She doesn't even know she has it. I am not a psychologist but I know BPD when I see it. None of her actions ever made sense to me throughout our marriage but they sure do now. I am strong enough to walk away but I still would like to give it a chance. I am scared because she ruined my retirement and I must protect myself.

[Pook075]

The crazy thing is I would still take her back after we have a pre nuptial agreement and separate finances. The reason for this is I am a devout Catholic and marriage is forever. Her behavior has been present throughout our whole marriage.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're on this path and I was there myself a few years ago.  It's gut-wrenching and as a devout Christian, I wanted to hold onto every ounce of hope for reconciliation.  But take some comfort in that God calls us to live in peace, and you're not expected to remain in an abusive situation just to say you're married.  A biblical marriage is a man and a wife focused on God together, that's how two become one with God in the center.

There are many others here who experienced the extreme jealousy and that's very common since a BPD has an unrealistic fear of abandonment.  They look for any sign of it so hard, so often that it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that dooms the relationship.

How can we help you at this stage of your separation?  You said that you're physically/mentally healthy and I hope that's the truth, self care is a very big deal in these situations.  Don't put on a bold face for the sake of looking "manly" or "tough"; you've been through abuse and it's normal to need some healing time.  Counseling is a great option to put things in perspective.

My other advice is the obvious, talk to your pastor and get more involved with the church.  A small group works wonders, find some Christian men your age to lean on and guide you.  Christian couples counseling (even if it's with your pastor) is a great step in the right direction, even if things ultimately don't work out.  Give God the chance to intervene and shine his light on your marriage.

Finally, if you want to give this a chance, there's certainly hope.  You'll need to learn a different communication style and you can find information in the "tools" section at the top of this page.  Read through the threads and allow it to sink in- the techniques work wonders if you're patient enough to allow them to.

Good luck and again, welcome to the family.

[rigger]

No I am not being manly as I know I must find myself because my wife has taken the real me and locked it away. I have been prepping for thsi for the last couple years and I can only change me and I like me and the changes I have made. That is why the actual break up is easier because I was already mentally prepared. I have to admit I did everything wrong because I tried to fix her and that was the wrong attitude because I blamed her for her illness. I have PTSD from being in combat zones in the middle east and for me that was a easy fix because I have core values that dictate that PTSD cant be an excuse for my poor behavior. I am actually hopeful because I can admit my fault in this relationship now and understand the hurtful things she did to me were not personal. How do I get her to seek a diagnosis / help. She comes from a family where she experienced horrible physical abuse from her mother. She withheld it from me for 33 years and a few weeks before she left went to therapy for PTSD when the problem is BPD? I can deal with the taking of community property now because I know it was not personal. Greater, Greater is he who dwells in me than dwells in the world! I never lost hope as I just did not understand as I took it personal due to my ignorance.

[Pook075]

How do I get her to seek a diagnosis / help.

You mentioned she went to therapy for PTSD- is she still in therapy?  If you approach her with BPD, chances are pretty good that it will go over horribly since she will feel like you're accusing her of being crazy.  I've been here for about three years now and have not heard of a single instance where suggesting a diagnosis went well.  For me personally, it was the last real conversation we had before our marriage was clearly over. 

Maybe its the shame or guilt...I'm not sure...but we were more distant than ever after that conversation and there was no coming back from it.

You're much better off letting a professional have that conversation with her, and that could be a doctor, a therapist, or a psychiatrist.  The diagnosis is often hard to make without family support and sharing, so it would be helpful for you to talk to her counselor IF INVITED.  But taking it on yourself could have the opposite effect (in her mind).

She withheld it from me for 33 years and a few weeks before she left went to therapy for PTSD when the problem is BPD?

Complex PTSD and BPD are strikingly similar to the point where they often get mis-diagnosed.  In general, someone with BPD experiences trauma as a child and learns inadequate coping skills to properly communicate in relationships (and that's parents, co workers, loved ones, etc).  Complex PTSD is almost the same criteria and the same treatments, so I wouldn't get too hung up on which one it is.  The important part is for her to get treatment and move past this.

Greater, Greater is he who dwells in me than dwells in the world! I never lost hope as I just did not understand as I took it personal due to my ignorance.

We were all ignorant because there's no possible way to identify BPD and react accordingly.  So much of the communication style is counter-intuitive and it takes a lot of work to become proficient.  Take a look at the tools section of this site (at the top of the page) to get started and familiarize yourself with some of the techniques.