Another fall. Needing ultimate boundaries.

[Methuen]

Having an elderly BPD mother is utterly gut wrenching, despairing, chaotic, consuming, and making me mentally very unwell.

She recently had another fall and was admitted to hospital.

She is 89.  Lives in my small community.  Everyone who knows her knows me.  Over the lettuce in the grocery store, I get the question "how is your mom doing?" I hate that this is such a social norm for conversation because for me it is so painful.  It is relentless.  They know nothing.  Nobody asks about how I am doing with her.

Here is the issue.  BPD affects the intimate relationships, ie. partners and closest family members.  Her husband (my father) died 20 years ago.  I am an only child living within minutes of her.  There is no other family.  She groomed me to be her caretaker.  I was oblivious to the "grooming" until about 5 years ago (I am 62), thanks in large part to the information and education part of this website, and T.  Alas, the fog has lifted and my naivete is now crystal clear.  When we grow up in a dysfunctional dynamic, we grow up with that dysfunction being normal.  It is a lot of painful "work" for us to climb out of the dysfunctional black hole.  One of the complications for me living in the same small community as my mother is that she has one personality for me, and a different personality for everyone else.  To others she is a sweet vulnerable, quirky, charismatic old lady.  She pays people to clean her house, mow her lawns, plow her driveway, weed her landscaped garden, bath her, do her foot care, and her hair, make her meals....etc. All these services come to her in her home.  She treats these people well enough, even if she is sometimes demanding.  She says things that endear these people to her.  To me (and my H) she is the polar opposite.  She is mean, negative, blaming, attacking, coercive, manipulative, self-pitying, demanding, entitled, and relentless.  Other people don't see that side of her, and people tend to believe mostly what they see.

On Feb 26, she was sleeping and fell out of bed.  Blood was reportedly spurting everywhere, and it took 4 hours for my H to clean the carpet and he reported a lot of blood.  She sat on the floor and propped herself against the bed for a reported 30-60 min, before she thought of calling her 90 yr old friend for help.  She did not call 911.  She did not press her lifeline.  She doesn't keep it on her, and for years has refused to use it.

Her friend came over with her daughter, and the daughter pressed the lifeline and called my H, who called me.  I was at work just beginning a presentation to 20 people.  I excused myself and went to emergency to meet the ambulance.

The Hospital Part:
- she was in hospital 6 days, sweetly telling staff she wanted to go home every day
- we got a social worker involved, and explained the dynamic
- a doctor who knew nothing entered the meeting with the social worker and immediately suggested that for safety reasons, mom should not be living alone, and could she live with us?  UNBELIEVABLE!
-the social worker intervened with a hard no.
- mom feigned cystitis in emergency, and demanded to be taken to the BR every few minutes.  Emerg was slammed and once they saw the pattern, they put a diaper on her. 
- I was in emerg with her for 10 hours, with her wailing and crying about the pain from her cystitis (she was a trained nurse in the 1950's)
- the lab results (repeated multiple times over her stay) showed her urine was clear.  There was no infection.  It was emotional
- remarkably, the "infection" disappeared once she was admitted, and she used her walker to toilet herself
-she was charming and told hospital staff she was well and could go home
-we told the staff we weren't driving her home, and we told them why
- mom told us she had 2 choices: assisted living (she's been on the waiting list for over a year and is no where near getting a spot), or suicide.  The convo and texts from her were relentless.
- we reported this to the unit nurse.
- they investigated, and determined she was not a risk to herself, and she was manipulating us
-they deemed her to be mentally competent
- they planned to discharge her and gave her choices to get home: taxi, HandiDart, or ambulance.  She picked the ambulance.
- so 6 days after her fall, she was discharged.
- we got a phone call from the discharge nurse coordinator who gave us a pep talk about asking for/demanding respect from mom.  Eg. She said to my H at the hospital when he was visiting her: "why don't you just shut up?  The discharge nurse talked to us for 38 min about our need for stating our boundaries and holding them firm, and distancing ourselves from her.
- When I brought her in a bag of nice and thoughtful things from her home that I spent 45 min collecting, she said to me "why didn't you bring my star pajamas? You should have known better", and implied I was stupid. 

Last weekend, I had a meltdown.  Total.  We had an emergency session with my T who has a lot of experience with Borderline.  At the time there was no hospital plan yet for discharge.  Everything was evolving, chaotic, and in the air.

After my meltdown, my H went to see mom in hospital.  I went on a 2 1/2 hr hike up a mountain because that is a safe and nurturing place for me.  The hike up to a lookout is 45 min.  All the way up, I had intrusive thoughts about jumping off the edge of the lookout cliff just to end my pain and get away from her.  It has been a lifetime of abuse.  Hidden to everyone else because she is charming to other people including people who know me.  I have participated in hiding the ugly truth to other people, because...who talks about that?  And we just end up being the ones who look bad.  When I got to the lookout, I walked past the benches towards the edge, and was flooded with thoughts.  I looked behind me, and saw the path back to the forest. 

I know what I have to do.  I have to stop seeing her.  I have to step back.  I have to take care of myself.  Although I returned to work out of retirement almost 4 years ago to set a natural boundary of not being available to be her "caretaker", it has not been enough to keep me safe.

My involvement with her is no longer safe for me. 

When I stepped back and returned to work, my H took over taking her to appointments, and buying her groceries.  She has emotionally exhausted him.

She has EXPLOITED OUR KINDNESS AND COMPASSION.

And we are done. 

Tomorrow my H is going to her house to convey the message that despite many talks and warnings, she has not changed her behavior, so he is stepping back.  He is still willing to take her to Dr appointments, but not do everything else he does which enables her to stay in her home (home maintenance etc). It will be short and sweet. He knows not to get drawn in to JADE.

The social worker has done paperwork to request a family skills worker to help her with other tasks.  She is also supposed to get another assessment done for assisted living.  We have no confidence either will get done, because all resources here are so scarce.  There are waiting lists for everything.

I have written a letter to home care notifying and briefly explaining why we must step back, so they can make necessary adjustments. I have asked them to notify us when these services are set up.  The letter is because I went in person yesterday, and of the 4 people in home care involved in her case, nobody was available.  This is typical.  In the past, my emails have gone unanswered.

I do not want to jump off a cliff.  But when I am in my happy place in a forest and those are the thoughts that won't leave me alone, it is long overdue that I start taking care of myself, and my H as well, and we of each other, instead of her.

I no longer care what it will look like to other people.  I no longer care if people will judge me.  And I no longer care that her needs will not be met. 

H and I have each blocked her on our phones.  She has still left a voice message on H's phone telling him home care is not coming to do her drops since getting home.  She can either solve that problem herself, or find some poor people pleasing sucker to do it for her.

Any support is appreciated.

[Notwendy]

Hugs Methuen- you know I "get" it.

Several times my BPD mother has been manipulative with medical staff- acting either sweet or abusive, wanting to leave hospital then at discharge somehow coming up with some reason she can't.

She's had a few admissions to skilled nursing and while it was determined she needed to stay there, she'd find some reason to undo that plan, one time coming into a care meeting saying her "family was dumping her in a nursing home" and then insisting on going back to her assisted living which was a lower level of care.

I am surprised they discharged your mother back to her house.

I mentioned a friend of mine whose father was in the hospital. He had been living with a girlfriend. At discharge, the GF refused to let him come back ( she owned the house). He had no place to go. So he's now in skilled nursing.

My BPD mother also refused assisted living but she took a second mortgage out on the house.  She only went to assisted living when there was no other choice- besides the bank eventually repossesing the house and her being evicted.

I believe your mother will only go to assisted living or skilled nursing if it is her only option. I know the suicide threats are scary. Mine did threatened this too.

In the US, the higher level of care is skilled nursing. We felt BPD mother needed this but in skilled nursing, the rooms are shared. BPD mother prefered the privacy of her home the most, and then her own room at assisted living, which is understandable- it was the most comfortable for her but it also didn't meet her care needs as well.

It all comes down to this- BPD mother (mine and yours) is going to do what she wants to do. I understand that my mother being in assisted living was a better situation than in her own home- and yours in hers- and also having distance but I think the common situation is- even though other people's opinion was that she needed to be there sooner, she would not consider it until her choice to stay home wasn't an option. Same with the skilled nursing level- it met her needs better but as long as the assisted living was an option, there was no way she'd consider that.

We also knew that it was only though a hospitalization that skilled nursing would become an option. There were cycles- hospital for a medical situation-then to skilled nursing, then she'd recover, and back to home/assisted living. As much as we tried to get her settled in the right place, at the time she needed it- there was no way to be proactive with her.

Your mother just went through one of these cycles. She's been able to maintain herself in her own home through help from friends and significant help from you and your H. That wouldn't be a problem except that it is taking an emotional and physical toll on you both. This isn't a decision to not help your mother, it's a decision to take care of your own well being.

It's similar to the bridge and while "letting go of the rope" is the logical decision, emotionally it's difficult. Admittedly, I don't think it's a decision we ever feel OK about. I think we can only make it when we see the alternative, to go over the bridge with them, is a worse outcome and it won't help them either.

Our situations may not be exactly the same but I know that even at a distance, it was hard emotionally. As you stated, it was gut wrenching, despairing, chaotic, consuming.
  In fact, a couple weeks ago, I asked for a referral to a counselor. I had not seen one for a while. I realized that, even if I didn't feel depressed, I also didn't feel joy, or excitement, about things that people usually feel happy about.

My involvement with her is no longer safe for me. It also may not be safe for your mother. If she needs a higher level of care- and is a fall risk, she is safer in assisted living.

I think we will grieve that we aren't able to have the kind of relationship we wished for. Will we ever feel OK about a decision to not be as involved as we wished we could be? I don't think so. I hope you can believe that your well being matters and you can protect it.

 

[zachira]

My heart aches reading your post. The abuse from your mother is relentless and unbearable. Once again she got herself discharged to go home from the hospital And you and your husband have set more boundaries with her, yet the newer boundaries will never be enough. It is clear you truly can not stand to be around your mother any longer; it is taking too great of a toll on your mental and physical health. The only thing I can think of which might or might not be helpful is to be more transparent with people about the situation with your mother when it seems relatively safe to do so. When asked how your mother is doing, would it be okay to change the topic to how much you and your husband are struggling with being her caretakers with some simple sentences like: My husband and I are worn out. We can't assist her in her home any longer. Perhaps continually steering the conversation away from talking about your mother and briefly stating how you are doing could end up being a form of self-care. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping the tide will turn soon.

[zachira]

Another thought which may or may not be helpful is to set a goal to reduce the amount of space your mother is renting in your head. So if today it was x hours, perhaps tomorrow it is less than x or this week is less than last week. Keeping a chart of this could be helpful. Small changes can end up being big changes. I often found myself wanting to not feel the overwhelming emotions, and had the goal of not being bothered by the abuses in my family which delayed my moving forward. Slow but steady.

[Notwendy]

The only thing I can think of which might or might not be helpful is to be more transparent with people about the situation with your mother when it seems relatively safe to do so. When asked how your mother is doing, would it be okay to change the topic to how much you and your husband are struggling with being her caretakers with some simple sentences like: My husband and I are worn out. We can't assist her in her home any longer. Perhaps continually steering the conversation away from talking about your mother and briefly stating how you are doing could end up being a form of self-care. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping the tide will turn soon.

I think this is a good idea. Your mother's needs might be the "elephant in the room" when people who know both of you speak to you. They aren't going to mention it. Nobody would say this to you- who would say "your mother needs assisted living"- that is a family decision. I think most people assume her situation is how you want it.

I was afraid to say anything to the officiant for my mother's funeral. The officiant brought it up saying something like (hard to remember exactly) that people can sense something is "off" behind a polished exterior. I was afraid to say anything about my mother to her FOO- but when I did- they then got on board to help get her to assisted living.

Whatever you say can still be respectful- I wanted that too. But you can say something like Zachira suggested "I'm concerned about her needing more skilled nursing care than she gets at home" - key word- nurse. because, you are helping her and would continue to be involved if she were in assisted living but you are not a nurse and nobody would expect you to provide that care.

Even in assisted living, my BPD mother needed more than that. Assisted living doesn't provide the "extras" like all snacks, personal items.  If your mother was in assisted living- you would still be involved but you would also know her basic care needs and her medical needs were met.

It's possible that people close to your mother are already concerned but wouldn't say it to you. If you subtly bring it up -this gives them the chance to say something if they are.

[Methuen]

Your mother just went through one of these cycles. She's been able to maintain herself in her own home through help from friends and significant help from you and your H. That wouldn't be a problem except that it is taking an emotional and physical toll on you both. This isn't a decision to not help your mother, it's a decision to take care of your own well being.

It's similar to the bridge and while "letting go of the rope" is the logical decision, emotionally it's difficult. Admittedly, I don't think it's a decision we ever feel OK about. I think we can only make it when we see the alternative, to go over the bridge with them, is a worse outcome and it won't help them either.

Yes when I had intrusive thoughts to throw myself off a lookout cliff to end the pain and get away from her, that was a sign I had to do something differently right now.  Any thought about her makes me feel ill.

My entire life I poured myself into "being a good daughter".  Physically and emotionally I put her needs ahead of myself, even my children and husband at times.  I made her the matron of honour at our wedding, took her along on family trips, and my entire life she was at the forefront of my mind, and I tried to do kind things for her all the time, including making her things, taking her places, telling her what she wanted to hear...

Now I fully realize how foolish I was.  It feels like I wasted time and energy on wishful thinking that was destined to be a losing proposition.  I just didn't see it.

We sent a letter to home care which our T helped to draft.  She happens to also be a practiced geriatric psych nurse, and knows the system well.  We advised that for our own health, after caring for mom for 20 years, we were stepping back and would no longer be available to care for her, not even as a back up.  The social worker at the hospital and  the discharge nurse did the paperwork to set up a skills worker through home care to help her at the house with all the tasks my H has been doing (and me before him). 

My involvement with her is no longer safe for me. It also may not be safe for your mother. If she needs a higher level of care- and is a fall risk, she is safer in assisted living.

Mom is getting another RAI assessment done this afternoon (in her home).  My H will be there, and add the necessary collateral information via email afterwards.  I am not hopeful.  The home care social worker doing the assessment, is the same one who 3 years ago deemed mom to not even qualify for assisted living.  Her first RAI was done 6 years ago, and in that one, she was deemed to qualify. Go figure.  There is such a long waiting list for assisted living here, that people actually die at home waiting.  My mom's family has longevity in their genes - into their late 90's (even the one who had Parkinson's like her).  This is where my sense of total hopelessness comes from.  There is no end in sight, no answer, no resolution.  All I can do is let go of the rope on the bridge. And live with the consequences.

I think we will grieve that we aren't able to have the kind of relationship we wished for. Will we ever feel OK about a decision to not be as involved as we wished we could be? I don't think so. I hope you can believe that your well being matters and you can protect it.

Thank you for this. 

[Methuen]

The abuse from your mother is relentless and unbearable. Once again she got herself discharged to go home from the hospital. And you and your husband have set more boundaries with her, yet the newer boundaries will never be enough. It is clear you truly can not stand to be around your mother any longer; it is taking too great of a toll on your mental and physical health. The only thing I can think of which might or might not be helpful is to be more transparent with people about the situation with your mother when it seems relatively safe to do so. When asked how your mother is doing, would it be okay to change the topic to how much you and your husband are struggling with being her caretakers with some simple sentences like: My husband and I are worn out. We can't assist her in her home any longer. Perhaps continually steering the conversation away from talking about your mother and briefly stating how you are doing could end up being a form of self-care. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping the tide will turn soon.

This.

Last night we called 3 of her friends whom she has also groomed into caring for her.  The purpose was to communicate that for our own health and wellness we have to step back, and start focussing on ourselves.  Also that home care is putting a skills worker in place to help her with tasks, so her friends don't have to feel obligated to do more because we are doing less.  If they know a skills worker is available, they can gently remind her to ask that person to do whatever she is asking them to do.  They all acknowledged we are worn out, that it has been "too much", and thought the skills worker was a good idea.  One of them, the housekeeper (in her mid 70's), has also had many challenges from mom, and told us many stories of her own.  She has been very frustrated with mom at times, and when mom makes demands of her, already tells mom she is not available. She wants to pull back on everything except the housekeeping (which she gets paid for and mom complains to me about having to pay her. A second friend understands that everybody (family and friends) stepping back is what will move mom up the waiting list for assisted living faster.  But she openly said it will be hard for her to hold boundaries.  She does the most for mom.  What we are encouraging is that they keep the friendship if they want, but hand over the "tasks" to the family skills worker.The 3rd friend (90 yr old) agreed that mom is ready for assisted living, and needs to be there, but might not ever get in.  She also does a lot for mom, and I would say the two are quite enmeshed.

We wanted them to understand we did not expect them to do more, because we are doing less. 

They will have to figure out what they are comfortable with.

I like your idea of changing the topic towards how much we are struggling when other people from the community inquire about mom.  It's hard though.  People won't understand, because they don't know her cruel side.

Perhaps continually steering the conversation away from talking about your mother and briefly stating how you are doing could end up being a form of self-care.

Wow.  Just wow.  What a totally radical idea - that sharing how we are struggling is a form of self care.  I feel like "in the moment", I won't even be able to remember that is what I need to do.  I am like a deer in the headlights when people ask me how she is doing. My brain stops working every time. To think of that as self -care...my mom always taught me that doing things for myself was SELFISH.  I feel like I need to be deprogrammed.

[Methuen]

Another thought which may or may not be helpful is to set a goal to reduce the amount of space your mother is renting in your head. So if today it was x hours, perhaps tomorrow it is less than x or this week is less than last week. Keeping a chart of this could be helpful. Small changes can end up being big changes. I often found myself wanting to not feel the overwhelming emotions, and had the goal of not being bothered by the abuses in my family which delayed my moving forward. Slow but steady.

This is a good idea.  I like the chart idea - makes it visual and shows progress in accomplishing the goal.  So, to clarify - does therapy or time spent on this forum count as time mother is renting in my head?  I feel like that could go either way...but probably not as it should be more helpful than harmful. 

[Notwendy]

It sounds like things are moving in the right direction for your mother (and you) to get some help. I think you are in Canada- right? In the US, the two facilities are separate- assisted living and skilled nursing. Assisted living is entirely self pay, and Dad had left funds for this purpose.

Skilled nursing placement is also self pay but Medicare does cover short term rehabilitation. Medicaid government assistance has funds for people who don't have other resourses to pay for that.

Canada has a different health care system but is probably comparable to the government assistance (Medicaid) placement and there can be a wait list for a Medicaid assisted spot coming directly from home. More often, a person gets a spot when coming from hospital.

It seems you have a good plan going. We all get it here. It seems some people in your mother's circle do too.

[zachira]

Methuen,
You are really making progress. I had an experience recently with my neighbor with NPD who called me to vent and dump her anger on me. I distanced myself from her a couple of years ago because of how toxic she is, and she rarely calls me now. Just from the few minutes before I hung up the phone, I felt upset though not overwhelmed for a couple of days. I thought of you. I wonder how you can possibly tolerate even a few minutes of your mother. We are making progress when we can no longer tolerate abuse, and look for ways to not be around the abusive person. I often ask myself how did I tolerate how badly my disordered family treated me for so many years. It seems when we are really at the point of: I can't do this anymore and can't fully go no contact, we start making quicker and quicker getaways from the abuse. Sounds like you and your husband have a good plan, and it is clear that you will be having less and less contact with your mother.

[Methuen]

The drama continues.  Mom's housekeeper phoned us at 5pm tonight because mom had phoned to tell her she couldn't get her microwave to work, and mom instructed the housekeeper to "tell us".  We let the housekeeper know that mom hadn't called us directly because we "blocked her". 

The housekeeper said:  "Good for you!"  Maybe I should block her too!"

She couldn't believe how mom was using her to reach us when we had blocked mom.

This is just another example of how she texted us sometimes a dozen times a day or more about the minutia of her life, and her every problem minute by minute, and expected us to either respond or rescue her. 

It has just occurred to me that this behavior has been an elevated form of harrassment for years.  No wonder H and I are both unwell. 

The house keeper was relieved when we pointed out that mom calling her with these kinds of "needs" is why we had telephoned her last night to explain we were stepping back, and inform her that more home care services were being put in place to support mom.  The "friends" need to also start saying they aren't available, so that mom starts using the home care services (unless they really want to be her slave and on call 24/7 with her demands, her pity party, her tears, and guilting strategies).

On another topic, my H was at mom's RAI assessment today (done by social worker - SW). SW got to hear some stories from my H.  One question came up about stairs (mom has several steps outside her front door down to her driveway).  Another question came up about bathing. Here is the story.  Mom wanted a bath assist (transfer chair), but for a year refused to go to the store with H to pick one out.  H refused to buy it for her because H knows mom would find something wrong with it and he would just have to take it back. So H suggested an OT come to the house.  Mom agreed to the price in advance.  OT came and assessed things in her home, including the bath and the steps. In the report, OT noted that mom should not be taking her compost or garbage outside down the steps.  Mom didn't like that, and told H: "I'm not paying that B _ TCH!!"  H had to use his credit card to book the home visit, so he explained to mom it would be charged to his credit card.  She said "Good!"  Luckily, we have POA to look after her finances, so we just etransferred the amount and payed ourselves back.  The SW doing the RAI today couldn't believe mom had behaved in this way.  It was not the same sweet vulnerable little lady sitting in front of her for the RAI.  He shared a few of these stories.  He spoke in low tones her hearing aid wouldn't pick up.

Mom has been getting her meds from blister packs.  She's having trouble using the blister packs, and still getting them mixed up.  SW today saw she had started several blister packs, and had "extra pills" out in case she dropped them.  So now home care doing her eye drops is going to start doing her blister packs.  Mom not happy.  She's also going to get help getting dressed.  And a Handi-Dart is going to come pick her up to take her to an adult day center for activities.  I can't see her doing this.  Instead of accepting eye drops to protect her vision, she cancelled the service (and went blind in one eye).   

Meanwhile, it is such a relief that mom has been unable to reach us for the past week since she got home from the hospital.  We feel "lighter". Less afraid.  Less harassed.  Free?  Easier to breathe.

 

[Notwendy]

BPD mother also refused services like OT, PT and some medical care. I think a reason your mother split on the OT is that the OT told her not to do something. If you directly told my mother to do or not to do something, she interpreted this as an insult.

The repeated phone calls- yes, we got them, so did the nurse case coordinator and in assisted living- she'd push the call button. I think it will greatly help you and your mother to have her in assisted living. It sounds like she needs that level of care as she isn't able to manage her medicines or do self care tasks, and she is at risk for falls. Emotionally she may still have the same behaviors but you will have others to help with them too.

The "good" comment about your H's credit card. It's hard to know exactly why she said that but I think she'd either have felt valued that money was spent on her or that it was an act of caretaking- which meets an emotional need, even if she didn't need it financially. Since you have POA to her funds, if you can get yourself a bank card attached to her account, you can use that for her expenses.

I think it all comes from the same reason- to meet emotional needs- either doing things for her, spending money on her. BPD mother would tell me she needed a blanket. It would have been cruel to not send her one, and I would gladly do that, but if I had sent one, she'd not have liked it. I have sent her things but she didn't like them before. So a relative sent her one and she loved it. However, when we cleaned out her room, she had several blankets, so did she need one or was this an emotional need?

The best anyone can do is offer adult day center to your mother but she would have to agree to doing it. My BPD mother refused to go to activities. I hoped she'd make friends there but she didn't want to go.

I am glad you are finding some peace for yourself with the decreased phone calls and contact.

[Methuen]

Methuen,
You are really making progress. I had an experience recently with my neighbor with NPD who called me to vent and dump her anger on me. I distanced myself from her a couple of years ago because of how toxic she is, and she rarely calls me now.... I wonder how you can possibly tolerate even a few minutes of your mother. We are making progress when we can no longer tolerate abuse, and look for ways to not be around the abusive person. I often ask myself how did I tolerate how badly my disordered family treated me for so many years. It seems when we are really at the point of: I can't do this anymore and can't fully go no contact, we start making quicker and quicker getaways from the abuse. Sounds like you and your husband have a good plan, and it is clear that you will be having less and less contact with your mother.

This. Thank you.  It feels very odd to read "I am making progress" when it involves distancing myself from my mother.  It just feels morally wrong to have so many negative thoughts and feelings about my mother.  So to read "I am making progress" - was just the antidote I needed. It kinda stopped me in my tracks, and has had me thinking for a while.  You are right that the progress is the choice to "no longer tolerate the abuse".  Very very helpful.  It's a complete shift in thinking.

I still have mom blocked.  I haven't seen or talked to texted or emailed or anything.  I just can't.  I didn't tell her I was doing it.  I just did it.  My H still has a bit of contact (he was at her home assessment at her invitation), but we sent out letters to the social worker and home health advising them of our new boundaries. 

There has been a development.  The home assessment report came in.  Miracle of miracles, my mother has moved to the top of the waiting list.  Furthermore, someone recently passed, so after the room has been cleaned and maintained, mom can move in. Next month.

So, will she agree to go?  Or she will do what she always does, and say "no.  I've changed my mind".  If she does that, we are walking away.  If she goes, we will help her move. 

I guess I will have to break my protective boundary and see her to open a discussion about what she would like to take with her, and start planning the move to support her.  If she says she's not going to assisted living, the visit will have to come to an end.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Some thoughts about telling your mother she has qualified for assisted living and helping her move. It might be safer to have someone from the medical community tell her without any involvement from you and your husband in telling her or moving her, because any attention from you or your husband will likely be interpreted as you are back to helping her again and she will refuse to move. Perhaps the medical  person appointed to tell your mother she has qualified for assisted living, could also tell her you and your husband will not be visiting in her home or in contact with her until she is in the assisted living, And then and only then will you resume contact and come to visit her.

[Notwendy]

I agree with Zachira to, if possible, have a neutral person have this discussion with your mother.

It wouldn't make sense to anyone who hasn't had a similar experience but I think you get this- when it comes to me hoping for something for or from my mother- my default is - expect to be disappointed.

I think it's a way of emotionally protecting myself from that.

She would get someone to do or assist her with something- and it would get set up and then, she'd change her mind. Or we'd make plans with her and she'd change her mind.

I think it's great that your mother has a place and I hope for all involved she'd accept it. With my BPD mother, her FOO were better at convincing her than I was.

Once she was there, I could help with the move, getting her house on the market, selling the car for her but for actually going to assisted living- it had to be someone else.

I hope it's different with you. I just know, emotionally, with my mother, I would hope it could happen for her (I think your mother really needs it and mine did too).  I'm not trying to be negative- but to let you know you aren't alone in this attempt!

She may agree and also blame you. We heard her say that her family forced her out of her house (no, she put herself in financial difficulty and the bank would have done that).

At one point, BPD mother was in skilled nursing for medical care after being in the hospital for an infection. The social worker there called me to let me know they are considering her being in long term care, because they thought she needed it. BPD mother came into the meeting and said she didn't want to stay and that "her family was dumping her in a nursing home". This wasn't even my idea- I was there because the social worker suggested it.

It's interesting that people I have contacted since she passed have said "your mother said she appreciated your help" so maybe she said this to other people. The thing is- if she said it to me, I wouldn't have been able to believe it. Even if she meant it in the moment, I would anticipate the other- her being unhappy with something I did, or said. This is the difficult part of BPD- other people have different experiences with them than we do as family members. It's hard to know what is real.

Methuen, keep in mind this is for your mother's well being. Even the nurses agree which is why she was given priority for a space there. You have been a wonderful help to your mother and you will continue to be of help- but with less (relative) stress, knowing her basic needs and medical needs are being met. Your mother may react in a different way- she may blame you or complain to you, but I think at some level she knows you are being helpful and caring- even if she gets angry at you. So hold on to that.

[Methuen]

The good news is mom was informed by the medical community.

H saw her today to bring a few grocery items (she eats less than a bird). 

So far she is happy about it, and is telling her friends.  That's a relief, as we were expecting her to say "I've changed my mind".  Which could still happen.

We toured the apartment today and took measurements.  They have some maintenance to do before she moves in, so hoping that is done by mid-April.

The next job is helping her to downsize from her house, pack, and then move her.

OMG - can't  believe it might actually happen.

Fully expecting a roller coaster ride, but can survive that if we don't have to responsible for her house indefinitely, and AL will play the big role in her daily life.

 

[zachira]

Methuen,
Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[Notwendy]

Helping her with downsizing and moving will be easier with you being local. It also depends on if she will let you go through her house with her. With BPD mother, she'd say she needs to downsize but then would micromanage/refuse to let people do that.

I had some items from college still in her basement. When I was - she'd complain about all the stuff in her basement, so I told her I'd take my things out of it for her. As I was doing that, she ran, screaming at me, "don't touch anything in my house, these are mine, you are taking these things". So I panicked and put them back.

She'd say she wants to downsize and ask us if we wanted something. If we asked for it, she'd then not let us have it. If we offered to come help her downsize, she'd agree, and then change her mind. She complained about how nobody was helping her but then, if we tried, she'd not let us do anything.

It was her FOO that got her into assisted living- where she took the items she wanted and had movers move the furniture from her house that would fit in her room.

Then, once she was moved, they told me to come get whatever I wanted and then they'd have a mover get the rest out so the house could be sold. I wanted to get the personal items out of the house- so I grabbed the photos first, then some other personal things- whatever could fit in the car. Even going through her belongings, I was afraid to touch them. We weren't allowed to touch her things.

Some of her FOO came to help me with this. BPD mother, who was settled at the assisted living, decided to come over to "visit". Thankfully, some of her family sat in the kitchen with her and had some tea with her while I could keep working. We promised to visit with her later at the assisted living so she could feel assured we weren't just going to move her things and leave.

I hope your mother is agreeable to your helping her. Consider though, that this is a difficult move for her, emotionally. It would be for anyone. So the combination of difficult emotions and BPD could make moving her more of a challenge. The idea of moving BPD mother first, letting her adjust ( as much as possible ) to her new surroundings, then downsizing the house a month later seemed seemed to be the better option in this situation.

[Notwendy]

Also, pay attention to your feelings when clearing out your mother's  belongings. Even when writing this, I recall feeling scared to touch any of her belongings. Also, when it became clear that I needed to access her information- insurance, bank, etc to help her with keeping up with things, I'd feel myself having "mini" dissociations- forgetting where I put a piece of mail, or a password- there was so much anxiety over this, and I am not sure exactly why, except that we were not allowed to touch anything of hers as kids.

[zachira]

I agree with Notwendy, it might be easier to move mother first and then clean out her house with her not there. Anything to limit the amount of direct lengthy contact will likely make moving your mother less stressful for you and your husband. Also when you are moving her, it could help to have some other people to do the move, so your mother has people in her presence she may want to be better behaved in front of and it will shorten the time you and your husband are involved in moving her.

[Notwendy]

Yes, I agree with the idea of having other people there. My mother's FOO both helped me to move and also were there because she'd behave better with them there.

The original plan was for her to stay at her assisted living because we could do the job faster with all hands on board. But, at the last minute, she decided she had to be there and showed up. It made the work longer as there were less people to help - but some of her family took her into the kitchen to have some tea with her and it was a nice visit.

Meanwhile, I could still pack things in another room.

[zachira]

Something you might want to explore with your therapist is how you are going to maintain boundaries with your mother until she moves, so you protect yourself from spending too much time with your mother, possibly encouraging her to prolong the move or not move at all. It could possibly be key to get as much outside help as possible so you have very little direct contact with your mother.

[Notwendy]

Zachira and I are thinking similarly. One of the reasons BPD mother prolonged downsizing is because of the attention involved. She wanted to go through each indvidual item, talk about it, decide if she wants to keep it or not, then decide if she'd let you have it, and then maybe change her mind.

So to Zachira's point- moving takes time and if you are there with your mother doing the move- that is time and attention and so she could potentially prolong it. By waiting until after she has moved, and having some friends spend time with her while you move, it may work better than trying to combine two emotional events ( it's an adjustment for anyone, so also difficult for pwBPD) at a similar time.

[Methuen]

Zachira and NW,

I think you are right.  All very helpful suggestions.  Thank you