Disinherited by bpd mum recently passed away

[ArielB]

Hi, this is first time I have written on any forum like this.
My mum passed away just over a week ago. She was diagnosed with bpd 6 years ago, but i suspected for years. My younger sister was hospitalised after several suicide attempts when she was 16, and was then diagnosed with bpd. She has refused to speak to mum mum for the last 17 years.
Both myself and older sister have been in an out of contact with mum all adult life.
Mum died in ICU after being put into a coma with pneumonia and then having a stroke, she turned 58 while in ICU.
Me and big sister where with her.

Feeling so many different emotions, but one that is coming through strongest is rage and anger.
All 3 of us have been disinherited, and one of the executors of the will is my sisters abusive ex husband.

I guess the point of this thread is to find out if anyone has experienced anything like this with bpd parents and their wills.
Is there any case for contesting the will on mental capacity.
Any advice as to how to start to mental process this all. Feel like a wreck, and failing my daughters as I can't seem to function properly.

[Notwendy]

Not exactly the same situation but my BPD mother has changed her will and legal papers a couple of times. I've posted my thoughts on this topic on other threads that there are two aspects of doing this. People assume a will is about material assets but there's an emotional impact to wills as well.

My BPD mother uses money and material things as a means of control and sometimes, punishment.I learned early on to not expect anything material from her and to not accept any money from her.

My parents were angry at me at the time my father passed away and at the time, BPD mother refused to let me have anything of his and wrote me out of some of her legal papers.

She later allowed me to have some of his things and rewrote the will again, but that didn't help resolve the confusion on my part about where I stood with my father.

She recently passed away. I am not a lawyer, but since I have been reading about how to settle someone's estate, I have some ideas for you.

There is a legal process for settling an estate and this almost always requires an attorney- which means legal costs. So if you are wanting to contest a will, you need to consider- is it worth the cost of a lawyer and also, the emotional cost of pursuing this. If there is significant property it may be worth it to you.

I don't know if it's possible to contest a will on the basis of mental illness. My mother was considered to be legally competent, even with her BPD. I think it would depend on what evidence you had of her being incompetent at the time she made her will. Another possibility is to contest it on the basis that she was being coerced by her son in law. If someone were to pass away without a will, the inheritance laws are that the property passes to the spouse first and if there is no spouse, to the children. So if it was proven that she was coerced, and the will isn't valid, property then goes to you and your siblings. If the will is invalid, one of you could also request to be executor if you wanted that role.

The way it seems to work (in the US) is, if you don't have a lawyer lined up already, most people need at least some legal advice for settling an estate. Look for a law firm that does probate law and also contested wills. The law firms I have looked at charge an initial fee for a consultation. Depending on what they recommend, you can then decide what next step to take. You don't want the same lawyer your mother set up her will with son in law as it would be a conflict of interest for that lawyer to work with both of you. You need your own.

I think, since there's both financial and emotional issues with a will, especially when being disinherited, it is worth the investment ( if you can manage it financially) for the initial consult with a lawyer who has experience in probate and contesting wills, for you and your sisters. You can then get an idea of what to do next, see if it is possible to contest it and is it worth it, in terms of your own emotional well being and legal costs.

[GaGrl]

There is indeed an emotional component to wills.

My mother had a stepmother who married my grandfather when my mom was a child of 6 years. Her bio mother died of pneumonia during pregnancy. My mom was an only child, her stepmother never had children with my grandfather, and she never adopted my mom.

Their wills were drawn up to leave everything to each other, with my mother being a secondary inheritor. This is very much the way we do things in my family. However, as my grandfather's health deteriorated, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. During his final hospitalization, my steps grandmother had new wills drawn up, had my grandfather "sign" his new will, and had it witnessed by her best friend.

The new will left everything to his wife ( same as the previous will), but instead of my mother as secondary inheritor, it named their church minister and his school. There was no reason whatsoever to change my grandfather's will, literally on his deathbed, except to communicate to my mother that her father had cut her out. It was pure manipulation (and fraud) on my step-grandmother's part.

Because it didn't change the primary directive -- that SGM received the house, cash, savings, car, etc. -- we did not contest it. However, my mother knew at that point that she would be disinherited from her steps mother's will, which was the case. SGM left her assets to her best friend, with a bequest to her doctor and her minister.

SGM was undiagnosed BPD and NPD and was a mean and vicious and jealous woman. She did everything she could to get between and interfere with the relationship between father and daughter. The will and disinheritance was her final act of emotional abuse, after a lifetime during which she did immeasurable psychological damage to my mother.