I am trying an experiment.

[Nickerdoodle]

Because therapy is not possible right now I have devised an experiment.  I am hoping that by categorizing some memories and what I felt what trend I might notice and then tackle that emotion first and related it to how I feel even now as an adult.  Part of me feels silly for sharing this but I have so many jumbled thoughts and emotions and now with the will issues I can't seem to slow down.  I just stay spinning, frustrated and angry.  Here it goes.

I opened up an electronic spreadsheet and down column A I wrote a very brief memory that rattles about my brain and continues to cause pain.  Across B, C, D and so on I wrote the feeling.  Then I put an x in the cell where I felt the emotion that goes with the memory.  Already I am noticing a pattern.  I will give you a for instance.  Most X's are in the he is disgusted by me and my emotions category.

What do you think?

[Pook075]

It's an interesting way to look for patterns.  If it's helping you then keep working through the spreadsheet.