BPD ex made contact after a year

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi. I need help as I am nursing a flood of feelings right now that I didn’t expect. I broke up with my ex a year ago yesterday. It left me in emotional turmoil like nothing I’ve ever experienced, because the psychological abuse she was engaging in by that point had left me a shell. I was able to walk away because she finally uttered the words that were so awful I couldn’t sweep her manipulation tactics under the rug any more.

The day I broke up with her was madness. Despite what she was saying and doing, when I had the courage to end it she through a chair across the room and told me she never wanted to speak to me again. And then she wouldn’t leave me alone - even going so far as to pretend we hadn’t broken up and when i reiterated that I didn’t want her coming around, losing it again. I had to go no contact, and then get to the point of going to the police because no contact was not being respected. I had to change all of my social media accounts because just blocking her didn’t work: she’d just make a new account herself. But I finally thought that was over, have been in therapy and she hasn’t been able to contact me.

Until today. Simple enough message - how are you. From a new email address. Here’s the funny thing: I DON’T want to answer and I’ve already blocked her again, so why do I feel so guilty and in the wrong? I know I can’t give her an inch; I know she’s hurt my mental health and I do not have to give her any more of my time. But I feel like I’m the bad guy for blocking her! Please help!

[Kittym_555]

Hi. I need help as I am nursing a flood of feelings right now that I didn’t expect. I broke up with my ex a year ago yesterday. It left me in emotional turmoil like nothing I’ve ever experienced, because the psychological abuse she was engaging in by that point had left me a shell. I was able to walk away because she finally uttered the words that were so awful I couldn’t sweep her manipulation tactics under the rug any more.

The day I broke up with her was madness. Despite what she was saying and doing, when I had the courage to end it she through a chair across the room and told me she never wanted to speak to me again. And then she wouldn’t leave me alone - even going so far as to pretend we hadn’t broken up and when i reiterated that I didn’t want her coming around, losing it again. I had to go no contact, and then get to the point of going to the police because no contact was not being respected. I had to change all of my social media accounts because just blocking her didn’t work: she’d just make a new account herself. But I finally thought that was over, have been in therapy and she hasn’t been able to contact me.

Until today. Simple enough message - how are you. From a new email address. Here’s the funny thing: I DON’T want to answer and I’ve already blocked her again, so why do I feel so guilty and in the wrong? I know I can’t give her an inch; I know she’s hurt my mental health and I do not have to give her any more of my time. But I feel like I’m the bad guy for blocking her! Please help!

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  Like you, I was also surprised how feelings can "creep back" so unexpectantly with any interaction from a BPD ex.  I still feel a slight panic when I see my ex on my caller ID....like, oh my gosh, what now?!?

What you felt was perfectly normal because you went through genuine trauma during the breakup (and maybe in the relationship too).  Nobody wants to go back towards something traumatic and that's naturally the first thing you felt. 

The guilt was also a natural feeling because you did care for that person and you wish them the best.  But you've also realized that you can't put their feelings above your own...you must come first.  It was a perfectly normal reaction in my opinion and it shows that you're a decent person for actually still caring.  Don't let that eat at you.

[EyesUp]

Hello.

Just in case you haven't seen it yet, there's a section of this site that focuses on break ups.
 
The article on "no contact" might be worth a look, and possibly others...

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken

But sometimes it's more helpful to chat - we're here for that. Can you try to answer you own question? 

Why do you feel guilty about doing something that you know is for the best?  We can speculate - many of us can relate - but it might also be more helpful coming from you, if you're able to comment.

[Under The Bridge]

Possibly your ex went into a new relationship at some point in the last year and having gone into the almost inevitable 'discard' phase of that person, is now looking to see if you're still 'available' to fill the gap.

If you reply - even if just to be polite - to this simple 'how are you?' she will interpret this as you being open to reconnecting.  As you said, you can't give her an inch and you're not the bad guy for failing to respond; you're protecting yourself from further abuse and quite rightly too.

I can relate totally as I put up with a lot from my BPD ex but her final outburst was way, way worse than anything previous and that was the point I ended it for good - and I'm glad I did.

You know that if you give in and respond you'll be drawn back into the same cycle so stay strong and put yourself first. You're not responsible for your ex's illness and you did all you could do.

[Me88]

I get this. And understand how you might feel guilty. You were her support system. Your presence saved her and now you feel like you're leaving her all alone.

I too am full no-contact. Luckily she hasn't reached out directly, but tries to make her presence known daily at work and is pushing to be in my office. I hide, time my arrivals and departures. You're just not fully moved on regardless of what she's done to you. It's a sick feeling.

[Longterm]

Hi there.

It's difficult isn't it. Unfortunately healing is a long process, it's not something that happens overnight. You should be proud that you have chosen yourself for the past 12mths.
When contact is suddenly made it can knock you off balance and bring a lot of emotion back. I have felt this several times. I would not be able to eat/sleep and felt huge anxiety and uncertainty. Your feelings are valid and normal. By refusing to communicate you have shown that progress has been made, as guilty as you may feel now you have done the right thing. It's great to hear you have been to therapy, it can really help us make sense of the dynamics involved in these types of relationships.

LT.

[Kittym_555]

Thanks to everyone for their comments. I love this community. Sometimes it feels like no one really understands this kind of breakup and how confusing the complex myriad of feelings are.

[Me88]

No one knows. At all. You cant talk to friends or family who have not been with someone who has a personality disorder. It makes no sense to people why you didn't run away, and why you're sad or confused.