Third break up in our 6 year relationship, this time it feels very different

[RedBeard93]

Thanks Pook. I am feeling better about things but again I know this might be because we're doing things together.

I messaged her today asking if she could book holiday for June and it looks like that's all okay (we need two days off for the event we're going to)

However for the festival tomorrow I asked if I could book the tickets but said there was no pressure. She responded saying that she was nervous as she would be on her feet all day and that she doesn't think she has the money to buy drinks etc.

I explained how I wouldn't mind paying for some drinks and we could do some other bits. I tried to keep her financial independence in mind but not very well in hindsight.

She then responded saying that going later to the festival would be more manageable but that also she really doesn't want me paying for anything.

With the help of my friend and after a ton of editing as I started to write about wanting things like this if we were to have a relationship apart, I reduced my reply to this:

"Yeah I totally understand that and I really get you not wanting me to pay for anything.

However maybe theres something else we could do tomorrow? Cheaper or even free? So it doesn't hurt your bank and isn't like I'm paying for you?"

I haven't got a reply yet but hopefully this reassures her that I totally understand what she's saying and respecting that

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RedBeard93]

She replied saying that she has a feeling she might have something on tomorrow that's not on the calendar. She said she probably doesn't but it just popped into her mind.

She asked if one of my friends would be up for going.

I replied just saying that I was only considering going on my own and then was going to not go due to it being a full day thing which wouldn't really be something i'd want to do alone. However it was more about doing something with her as even though we have to think individually about how things might look in the future, I know that having things in the calendar is something that's important to me as I love spending time with her.

I should have maybe included something in the message around saying maybe its too soon to be doing a lot of things together as things are probably still raw but I did add a line just saying absolutely no pressure if you want want to do something tomorrow etc.

I have a feeling that we might now end up doing nothing but I can understand her stance.

[once removed]

i think you may still be pushing too hard.

shes not coming out and saying "no", but shes giving all the signs, and saying everything but. youre responding with "well, what about _____". but to her, that may feel like pressure.

after the talk, its clear things are not dead. the possibility and opportunity are still there.

but now is the time to emotionally pull back significantly - not push for more.

edited to add: give the space, not just to her, but specifically, for attraction to re-develop.

[RedBeard93]

When she got home she actually said her main worry is money and that also having work today and Monday meant that she didn't really want to go out of the house but she's up for doing something together in the house tomorrow.

She then said that if we wanted to do something together next weekend when she has a longer period of time off then that would be better for her.

It's a really tough one as there has been a lot of stress around our relationship. I know that there's no absolute chance that she'll move out and we'll date and be together etc but for me because I know that's happening now that's my cut off.

She's said a relationship but living apart is something that she would think about and obviously I have to think about it too and she explained how she needs to be in that environment to really know if that's what she would want and that she doesn't just want me to cling to that.

So it really does have to come from her. I know I could be setting myself up for further heartbreak. But either way if we did almost reset the relationship it would need to be taken slow anyway almost back to dating. I have an interview for a second job coming up which will let me pay if debt fast, keep me busy and help me buy a van to convert which is something I wanted to do.

I feel like if she said no to spending time together I'd be fine with that but she's open to it and not saying that she thinks it's a bad idea etc which is good thing.

I think there's also an element of her that wants to be sure that yes its what she wants but also that she's sure that I'm acting on what I want for myself as a big thing for her is thinking she's holding me back / being a burden / ruining my life.

Don't get me wrong in these interactions we're having they're very platonic, respectful and little pressure. Currently if she says something that doesn't sit right with me I hear it and go about my day etc.

The hardest parts at the moment is the shared calendar app we have and the family group chats. I'm still apart of them and she's not mentioned me not being in them. But I see things being booked in with her family and it's things id normally be involved in. Don't get me wrong I'm a little sad but more of the mind that it is what it is. I won't be going and it's her life.

I'm focusing on our cats, my job, getting fit and clearing debt because I realize that regardless of the outcome by focusing on those things it could put me in a really strong place come 3 or 4 months time.

I am hearing you and I'm trying not to push too hard, even leaving her on read when normally I'd try and think of at least something to reply to her.

Whilst she has BPD and has started the treatment journey which will only be a good thing. I feel like she's definitely at least right now not seeing this relationship as her future as she once did and whilst even her own words that it's clear cut for me it's not for her right now and it takes two and I need to respect that.

Thanks for the continued support though. Everyone here has been amazing and I don't know how I'd have coped and also cope with what's coming up without everyone here

[once removed]

these are the key takeaways from the conversation that you had with her. they are loud signals. they tell you everything you need to know.

We talked around things in the relationship that she felt were cycles and also how there seems to be real change when there's a threat there like the threat of a break up or not being together etc.

I agreed with this and could only apologize that that was the case and that actions speak louder than words and I would like to put that into practice whether we stayed living together or not.

what shes saying: the relationship is broken. there is no going back. something has to give. ive now had the time, space, and distance, to see that. a glimmer of change wont be enough to return.

nice move with the actions speaking louder than words stuff. it says you get it.

she said she would need to be away and in the living separately space to understand if that's something she would want.

she hasnt let go of the idea of being in a relationship.

she has both considered and experienced life apart from you, and apart from the relationship. she has seen its appeal. shes reaching for it. she does not want that to be deterred.

it would essentially be us dating again and seeing how things go.

she has considered what it would look like to be together again, under the right circumstances. she considers the old relationship dead.

But she did reiterate that she said she would think about thinking about it and that she doesn't want me to hold onto it as it's not the only outcome.

She said I need to go away and really think about what it means for me and if I would be happy with a life like that, which I agreed.

she wants you to do the same thing she has done/is doing.

I think she also doesn't want to just do it because she wants me in her life so much.

all of this tells you one thing:

she has both feet out the door of the relationship. she is holding the door open, hinging on the possibility of real change this time; the hypothetical "dating again" that she has imagined.

shes not "done". but shes done with the relationship as it was. she wants you to be, too.

she wants you to consider, really consider, your ideal life without her. she wants both of you to know that if you were to get back together, that it would be the right thing.

she doesnt want the prospect of getting back together dangling over your interactions. all that represents to her is the cycle repeating. that will make her feel cornered.

thats the problem with pushing to arrange time together. yeah, it sounds nice to her, or she would shut you down rather than hem and haw. but: it puts her in a position shes uncomfortable being in. it establishes a trajectory of effort to reconstitute the relationship. shes not opposed to spending time with you. she is uncomfortable with the terms.

let her lead on that. when shes ready, she will push for ways, both overt and subtle, to spend time together. youll get the best of her, when she does. she already signaled this by, without commitment, saying "maybe tomorrow, or maybe next week when i have more time".

and, at the end of the day, shes practically begging you to create not just the spark, but the fire.

the spark = real change. she wants to see the confident, independent guy; the one that loves her, but doesnt need her. shes reaching for that version of herself, now. the centered guy, who doesnt flinch when she doesnt know what to do with herself.

the fire = the distance, space, and mystery, to re-ignite attraction. to make that hypothetical version of the relationship shes imagined an actual real life possibility, as its happening. the sexiness.

take her literally and figureatively: do some "going away". do it deliberately. put her aside (figureatively) and begin to reach for the life where, whether or not you want her in it, you can imagine life without her, and it doesnt look so bad.

youll begin to feel it. and she will respond to it.

one other pointer: when you have those sorts of chats, do less disagreeing. do less agreeing. im not saying do zero of either one, to the point of being unresponsive, but rather, more importantly, just signal that youre taking what she says on board. you dont need to prove her right or wrong in those moments. she will feel a connection because she will be able to feel that youre listening, first and foremost.

[RedBeard93]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that.

Honestly you're amazing and that makes complete sense to me. I'll be sure to read that whenever I need it.

I feel more confident to really try and do things for me. I think I'm happy with the things we've decided to do together but after those things I'll let the rest come from her.

I completely agree with the not disagreeing or agreeing in the moment. I need to remember things can't be solved like magic in the moment in a conversation, it takes action over a period of time and she just wants to be heard.

[RedBeard93]

So we were meant to go to the festival yesterday but we decided to do a "at home" festival today instead as she has to go round her parents for a BBQ yesterday.

Today I thought it would be funny to put some fake festival signs up and she found it funny. I mentioned beforehand if she had any preference on music for the fake festival and she replied with "what festival" and when I reminded her she was like oh no. I asked when she wanted food and she said 4pm.

I just expected to spend the day with her today like we said but I think we might have got a bit mixed up. She's been upstairs watching TV and I'm just giving her space waiting for her to be ready.

Feeling a bit deflated as I don't think I was on the wrong page with spending the day together but at the same time I need to respect her space and the fact if she wanted to come down earlier she would have. I also know her joints are hurting a bit today so it could be that too.

[ForeverDad]

Understand that there will be times that no matter what you say or do - or don't say or don't do - your efforts may still fall short of your hopes or goals.

You may not want to disturb her because that might trigger her.  But for all you know not disturbing (not asking) her could trigger her instead.  And next time it might be the reverse scenario.  Predictably unpredictable.

This lack of natural predictability is a huge factor in the dysfunction of the relationship.  This isn't much of an answer, it is just a disclaimer that in the nature of the mental health aspect (which you usually can't mention for fear of another triggered incident) there will probably be no way to eliminate all triggers nor assure all outcomes are positive.

[RedBeard93]

She came down and we've ended up spending the evening together.

We talked about her therapy and reservations she's having at the moment.

She said she really appreciated the effort I put into the fake festival.

I'm not bringing up anything about the relationship and how I feel about her. I just like spending time with her. Whilst for me it feels like we could just be together I know for her it's not as simple as that.

I think after today I'll back off a fair bit and see if she wants to do something with me next time.

[RedBeard93]

It's stuck with me today that she was so appreciative of yesterday and even said "thanks for such a nice day" before she went to bed.

I did get that sickish feeling slightly in the morning that she's still moving out etc. which I think means that any further things together probably need to come from her.

I keep seeing dates for things being put in the calendar. My instant reaction is her arranging something with a guy etc but I know that's just my anxiety.

I'd really like it if she came back and asked me to do something together soon but I can't hang on that.

It's just weird not texting each other about random stuff and I know that she's been confiding in friends more even though they've also not been the best.

She talked to me yesterday saying how she's nervous about her next therapy appointment as now the first one was out the way shes now in the regretting doing it phases as it's scary to talk about certain things. I tried to reassure her that it's the right thing to do and that I'm proud of her.

I'd really like to get her something small for after her therapy appointment this Friday but I know that is still things coming from me etc.

It's getting easier to not feel any kind of emotion day to day, but it's still hard knowing my future has been altered and I just enjoy being around her etc

[Pook075]

You're doing everything right and processing this the best you can, so give yourself some grace.  This is such an emotional situation and it must be taken one day at a time.

[RedBeard93]

Thanks Pook.

I had a pretty bad evening yesterday. Just felt really emotional. I was out for a job interview and as I was walking to get the train she called me asking if I could grab something for her on the way home which I did.

When I got back we talked about our days and she asked where I was. She then expressed concern around me taking on a second job and tried to come up with other solutions and said its my life but she thinks it'd make me ill etc. She then went on to talk about how she was getting chat gpt to look at her finances with and she mentioned rent which obviously made her moving out a bit more of a reality.

I think that with the concern about me working two jobs just got to me for some reason and I went outside and just sat listening to music and drank a few glasses of wine.

I was drinking and vaping and hadn't eaten and started to feel really dizzy, it panicked me a little but and I went up to her and  she asked what my symptoms were and helped chill me out / gave me something to eat. Later I just couldn't settle and went and sat outside for a while listening to music. I'd told her the door was locked earlier and she came down and locked me out, it was only that she was feeling petty that she went to have a go at me for not locking it when she realised she'd locked me out.

She then had a bit of a go at me and asked why I was sitting outside and acting weird. She said it seemed like I was upset because I needed her because I got panicked but this wasn't the case I was just more upset and having a bad day around the idea of her moving out. She seemed a little annoyed and I went and said sorry. She said that I was just acting a bit weird and not like me and its a bit of a weird place caring about me but also worrying and not sure if she should be responsible for me being okay etc.

Just feeling a bit down this week I think and Im trying to get out the house more. Its just a lot knowing this could on on for another month or two.

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry, that does sound like a tough day.  At least she was somewhat there for you and recognizes the mess she's created.  Hopefully she's not there for months.

[RedBeard93]

She has a lot of health things going on at the moment along with therapy that she's really nervous about.

It's little things at the moment that are getting to me but I'm staying strong in the environment.

She came in today asked how my day was and then went upstairs. I went and chatted to her again more about her and doctors etc. I asked what she wanted for dinner and I made it and got her a drink and asked if I could sit with her and watch tv whilst we ate.

We ate food and I sat on the floor as it didn't seem like she wanted me to sit on the bed and she looked comfy.

After watching one episode I asked if she was okay as I know there's a lot going on by she seemed quiet. She just replied saying "I'm just tired and in pain"

I politely asked if she wanted me to leave her to watch her show alone for a bit just because I thought maybe we wanted to relax. She replied with "Do what you want mate". Typically this is something she would have normally replied with in our relationship as well when she was fed up with PLEASE READ in her life and in pain, so I try and not take it to heart. However it does still hurt when I'm there doing things for her and putting her first and I get a cold reply like that.

There's nothing to read into there imo it just reminds me how there's a lot of things going on in her life at the moment that's really frustrating her and it unfortunately means that I've got to keep my feelings to myself and maybe not keep the pattern of doing things for her as much even though I care about her and it's what I like to do

[RedBeard93]

So I messed up a bit.

As well as my down day on tuesday, yesterday I found out that my parents family dog will likely have to be put down. This affected me quite badly and all I wanted was to chat to my ex.

I watched TV and had a bit to drink and when she got back quite late I made a off comment like "don't ask how my day was then" I apologised afterwards and just said I had a lot going on.

She chatted to me but this morning seemed off and just said that she knows me well and I'm drinking and there just seems to be this atmosphere and that I'm not making things easy.

Looking back at having a bad day on Tuesday and yesterday I can see where shes coming from. I asked if she still wanted to do things this weekend as we had planned and she said maybe. I think that shes thinking doing things together is confusing. She then put in appointments all day Saturday which to me looks like shes now trying to create distance. Just feel like I've gone backwards.

[once removed]

im sorry to hear about the family dog. we all know that there is no easy way to deal with that 

I'm not making things easy.
...
I asked if she still wanted to do things
...
shes now trying to create distance.
...
Just feel like I've gone backwards.

there has been a need for some time to retreat; to take time, space, and distance, and give things breathing room. to let her lead.

i dont want to kick you while youre down but it matters now more than ever: you have been, are, continuing to do the things that not only arent working, but are working against you. sending the message opposite to the one you are trying to send. its smothering her. its smothering the breathing room you need. youre ignoring the signs, signals, and overt communication shes sending, and doing the opposite. youre fighting yourself, here.

when you do too much of something, or too little, you need to compensate in the other direction, and then you need to give that time to reset things, and become the new normal. one, understandably bad day, is no big deal, but the pressure, has been steadily and consistently ramping up. the cracks are on the verge of bursting. the need to compensate hard in the other direction is greater and more urgent now than it was, and will take a longer, consistent effort, to undo. far from impossible, if you commit to it starting now.

[RedBeard93]

I hear you and from what shes said made me reflect on what you'd said to me before. She just cant be there for me in the way I want her to be right now and by adding the pressure will just push her away further.

Im out all day tomorrow and I think that will be good for me.

[RedBeard93]

Yeah I am going to back off now.

Went and asked if she wanted dinner and she said she'd have some if there were leftovers.

I said that I didn't want to add any overwhelming pressure onto her as I know she has a lot on. She said that she just wanted everyone to leave her alone and give her some peace.

She said that I had been overwhelming her and when I mentioned about the two times this week where I've had a lot on she snapped and said not that you know what you're doing and then said she didn't want to talk and that she's been clear in what she's asking for.

It's hard because this week apart from those two times we spent a nice day together Sunday and all this week I've not texted her at all and just left her two it so I really don't know how else I'm overwhelming her but I'm taking it at face value and just going to do my own stuff from now on.

[RedBeard93]

Just got in after being out all day today and she's not home, I think she's down at her parents.

I genuinely think shes really off with me and I'm honestly not sure what's made her go this distant this week. Right now I feel like too much damage has been done but I don't know. Everything in me now is saying that there's no chance for a future with her. But that could just be my anxiety speaking I guess. I just feel like I'm clinging onto nothing you know?

[once removed]

I'm honestly not sure what's made her go this distant this week.

i find this hard to believe 

RB, know that we are rooting for you in your goals, and that everyone here understands you are not in the simplest of circumstances.

so i say this gently, as someone who wants you to succeed, but at the same time, is trying to break through to help you do it:

you are behaving as your own worst enemy, working against yourself, when the only thing necessary is to stop trying to force the situation, and back off as far as you possibly can. thats it.

she has said it loudly and clearly and repeatedly. we have said it loudly and clearly and repeatedly. in one moment, you say you get it; in the next moment you keep doubling down, clinging harder, and sabotaging yourself. we arent sure how else to say it. she isnt sure how else to say it.

you know that yesterday wasnt your proudest moment, that it did damage, and that you needed to compensate to try to mitigate it. today youre catastrophizing that shes not at home, shrugging your shoulders about what might have gone wrong.

RB? what are you doing, man? 

at every step of the way, you have introduced what amounts to an increasing pressure campaign to try to get her back, or try to get her attentiveness. it is repelling her.

the check ins, that she didnt want to do, but reluctantly did. the status of your relationship, which she all but handed you a blueprint to save - i want to stress that part, because most people are not fortunate enough to get it - someone who was committed to a breakup, but told you what would be needed to reconcile, reluctantly, because she didnt trust that you would hear her, but she hoped you would. the festival that she kept trying to find a way out of; when that didnt work, you made your own, in the form of an elaborate gesture that amounted to more pressure. the passive aggression and cutting remarks that have made her feel she has to walk on eggshells in her home.

throughout it all, she has patiently and politely told you all she needs or wants from you is to back off. you havent heeded it. shes at her wits end. that is not a surprising outcome, RB. this isnt about BPD; its about not seeing her as a person, but as someone to regulate your anxieties. this stuff will repel any woman.

it is also all unlearnable behavior. but you have to start, with real commitment.

I just feel like I'm clinging onto nothing you know?

stop. breathe. give her space. give her so much space. give her an entire solar system.

know that when she is home, that will not have changed. it wont have changed tomorrow, or likely the next day. damage control, and resetting takes time and consistency. you need a solid week of less than zero pressure, and copious space to even begin to undo the damage and affect a new normal. when you feel the need for reassurance, or to regulate, to chase, go anywhere but to her.

this is hard, i know. but youre at a crossroads: your learned behavior and old ways of coping are now working against you, and sabotaging you, and it has forced a confrontation within you. you have, in essence, been putting that on her to solve. she has put it squarely back in your lap, and shes done being gentle. lick your wounds. find that inner strength - the inner strength that initially attracted her in the first place. put the old, childish ways, aside. that inner strength knows how to run the show, if youll let him.

[RedBeard93]

Thank you again for your reply and words I really need to hear.

I really am trying to take on board everything you're saying. I also see the pattern where I'm saying I'm taking on and understanding advice and then backtracking and doing the opposite, I've heard this from my ex too.

It's just so tough. Thinking back to the last breakup I can see that space and looking after myself is the best way forward, it's just hard to navigate this time rough because it all to me right now seems so final.

I really am regretting what I said on Wednesday and although it came from a place of loneliness and hurt due to my family dog being sick and wanting to talk to my ex, the self destructive way I went about it isn't on. I just tend to almost focus on that one moment and think well that's it she hates me now, when I do know that she's said the opposite of that before even explaining how she doesn't think I'll ever understand how much she loves me.

I really will put a huge effort into giving her all the space she needs. I think for me it's the unknowing if we'll ever be together again or the idea she'll be with someone else. I know her physical and mental health right now are her priority and I need to respect that over my anxiety.

I think it's just the fact I'd never been so sure about my life with someone in any relationship prior to this one that's making it harder to not necessarily let go but to sit and be content and accepting of the unknown future ahead and that it might not involve her.

I can see how all my current actions are just pushing her away in ways in which I would never want. So I really will try to dig deep and do what's best for not only me but also for her and what she needs. Like you said it's about seeing her as a person, which in my head I always do but my actions are saying otherwise and like we said before actions speak louder than words.

I think there's bits of this I need to take to my next therapy session next week to try and work through my anxiety a bit.

[RedBeard93]

It's really difficult trying to navigate this. So she came back late last night. I was in bed watching TV and after not seeing her all day Friday and Saturday I thought I might just get a hello, but nothing which is understandable I guess.

This morning I've just got on doing things round the house. I'm just not even sure how to interact with her. I know the best thing is space so I'm going to go for a walk and just leave all communication to come from her. Just very difficult

[RedBeard93]

She came down and said hello and made herself food, she then came down and asked if a delivery had come for her.

Other than that there's no interaction she just stays in her room. I asked how her weekend was and I got a quick "yeah it was good how was yours" but that was it.

I get it's a ask for space, but my God it's hard. Trying to keep myself busy and just act like she's not here. I just wish we could have stayed on the trajectory of doing things together though

[ForeverDad]

Since both of you are seeing therapists, that is good, please continue taking advantage of local in person support since that is better than your peer support alone.

You mentioned once that she mentioned her therapist said there was nothing more to do.  The reality is you don't really know what her therapist tells her, all you know is what she tells you, likely influenced by her own perceptions.  Even normal people find it hard to honestly admit their own foibles and weaknesses, it is even harder for those such as your partner.

[once removed]

I get it's a ask for space

its more than an ask. shes forcing it. shes done asking for it.

dont catastrophize that; see it for what it is. just heed it. thats all thats required.

I just wish we could have stayed on the trajectory of doing things together though

take this idea off of the table for now.

on the trajectory you were on, you were still over-pursuing; she was clearly open to spending time together, but it felt forced, like pushing things into relationship territory, which she wasnt ready for.

you will know that shes ready when she is pushing for that kind of thing. let her lead. let her control the pace. she previously signaled that that would come if you dialed it back.

that isnt on the table at the moment. right now, youre in damage control. i wouldnt just give her space, i would make myself as scarce as humanly possible. i wouldnt even try to apologize or bring it up. if shes hiding in her room, that tells you she doesnt feel comfortable in her own space; id literally leave the house, give her a chance to come out and breathe. you need days in a row here of zero issues before shes willing to poke her head back out, figuratively and literally, and when she does, you cant pounce. dont even flinch. just see it, know it, breathe a sigh of relief, and dont take it as a sign to pursue; take it as a sign to keep giving her space. the more you do that, the more she will warm up.

it all to me right now seems so final

RB, you have been given what men in your position would kill to have.

she, in a diplomatic, but still very clear way, told you that there was a way back to the relationship. she gave you the blueprint. the reassurance one would need to know things are "working", and to just keep cool? that was it.

I get it's a ask for space, but my God it's hard.

anxiety can be self-sabotaging, especially when we act on it. if its hard to hear what shes communicating, hard to give her space, hard not to overwhelm her, that tells you somethings got to give.

if anything, think of it this way: the cause for anxiety right now is acting on the anxiety. the less you do of that, the smoother everything gets, the more, presumably, your anxiety is tamed.

my next therapy session next week to try and work through my anxiety a bit.

ask your therapist for tools. we have a good one here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[RedBeard93]

I think I need some advice around one thing in particular.

So over a week or so ago when she was open to spending time with me etc we arranged to go up to London together mid June to watch a play I'd bought her for her birthday. I suggested that we go up and stay overnight which she was happy with.

I text her ages ago asking about booking it off as holiday at work and she said she'd asked about it and it was being sorted.

Now that she's being extremely distant I'm not sure whether to wait and just see what happens closer to the time or ask her if it's am still all good for her to go?

I'm leaning on waiting for a bit as she has a medical appointment this Wednesday to rule out something quite serious which I'm sure shes nervous about.

How should I approach this?

[once removed]

RB, i wouldnt touch it. id treat it as if its a no go.

otherwise, she will bring it up.

[RedBeard93]

Cool, I'll treat it as such.

She still has it in her shared calendar so I'll wait until she brings it up with me

[once removed]

She still has it in her shared calendar so I'll wait until she brings it up with me

this brings up an important point about anxiety:

if she still has it in her shared calendar, is there a need to bring it up? or is there an urge? and if its an urge, where does that urge come from?

anxiety has a way of never being satisfied. it feeds on itself - its so comforted by reassurance that it needs more and more. in the same way that when we are depressed, our minds will literally dig up all the things it possibly can to be depressed about, anxiety looks for things to be anxious about, and it fixates.

anxiety is "okay" to feel, in that, while no one generally wants to feel that way, in and of itself, it is an ordinary human emotion, one that can even serve us in cases of real harm or danger. and lets face it, youre in an anxiety inducing situation. the issue comes when our anxiety rules us, when we nurture its tendencies, and act in ways that may harm us or be counter to our goals.

anxiety is defeated by reality testing and exposure to the contrary.

"if its on her calendar, that tells me shes intending to go unless she tells me otherwise."

"if shes mad at me and needs space, its because i got pissy and ive overwhelmed her, not because she hates me and all hope is lost. but i get that if i do more of the same, it will overwhelm or provoke her; i dont want to do that, because i can see that its contrary to my goals."

[Pook075]

I think I need some advice around one thing in particular.

So over a week or so ago when she was open to spending time with me etc we arranged to go up to London together mid June to watch a play I'd bought her for her birthday. I suggested that we go up and stay overnight which she was happy with.

I text her ages ago asking about booking it off as holiday at work and she said she'd asked about it and it was being sorted.

Now that she's being extremely distant I'm not sure whether to wait and just see what happens closer to the time or ask her if it's am still all good for her to go?

I'm leaning on waiting for a bit as she has a medical appointment this Wednesday to rule out something quite serious which I'm sure shes nervous about.

How should I approach this?

My friend, you're missing the most basic premise of BPD and mental health- her words (and actions) stem from her emotions in the moment.

Surely you've been in the car with a kid that says, "Are we there yet?" or "I'm bored" or "Why can't we stop for ice cream"100 times over a 90-minute drive.  It would make anyone want to pull their hair out and the driver (usually the kid's parent) ends up being so frustrated by the time they get there, the experience is already diminished.

To her, you're the kid in the car asking the same things over and over again.  That's how a "yes" turns into a "no", and it's pushing her away because she feels disrespected.

Now, on the other side of that, I'm so sorry your dog died.  Saying, "don't ask me how my day went" as you're drinking could come across a little harsh, but good gosh dude...you're doing everything for her and deserve a little bit of grace.  Beating yourself up from not being perfect is a large part of the problem here.  And the other side is her mental health, which you have zero control over.

You have to give yourself some grace here, and hopefully she does move out soon.  You're not handling this well, which is perfectly understandable under the circumstances.  But beating yourself up over her being distant just isn't fair; you've done everything right and she's taken advantage at every turn.  It really feels like your frustration here is misplaced.