BPD dating a BPD

[stageaman]

I am a man, not sure whether I am diagnosed with BPD, but many traits say so. I am currently dating a girl with a BPD as well. Classical plot, the beginning was super fine and rewarding. After around 3 months, she suddenly changed her attitude until the moment she confessed that she lost interest on me. She was circling around, not able to make a decision whether we should move to the next stage of relationship. She also admitted that she is currently "in love" with a stranger she know from Dating App, in which she never met and lives so far abroad. On my view point, that is totally against the logic. I am concerned that she is not even able to define what is she looking into a relationship, many times hold me back with statement "i know you are looking for a serious and committed relationship, but i am not ready yet". These two behaviours are very contradictory, and she asked me to wait until she finally makes up her mind. Do you have any suggestion, or view on the future of this double BPD relationship? Thank you

[once removed]

it sounds like youre at a stalemate.

what do you want to see happen here? do you want to be with her? would you prefer to move on?

[stageaman]

Thanks for the warm welcome 

My logical calculation suggest I should move on, but the emotional part says I should stay. What a dilemma. I just read an article in "Your Pocket Therapist" by Dr Annie Zimmerman. Interesting point on "cheating" chapter. I know this is not a real cheating as if she is romantically with two man at the same time. However I just made a reflection: she indeed has "talent" to cheat as she confessed that she did that in her past relationship. Looking into the cause of cheating, stated that one factor is the lack of "mystery" between me and her. I put a lot of effort and proximity to her, and therefore might be viewed too far as inner circle i.e. family and therefore reduced her interest on me. Maybe this is the learning point I should not for myself?

[once removed]

After around 3 months, she suddenly changed her attitude until the moment she confessed that she lost interest on me.

the vast, vast majority of relationships end at around, or before, 90 days. they end for all sorts of reasons: major or minor incompatibilities, different tastes, too little in common, superficial things, or often, for no real, discernible reason at all apart from "it just doesnt work". dating is a lot of luck, and timing, good and bad.

in this case, she gave two clues:

she lost interest

1. the flame from those 3 months fizzled.

"i know you are looking for a serious and committed relationship, but i am not ready yet"

2. youre both looking for different things.

She also admitted that she is currently "in love" with a stranger she know from Dating App, in which she never met and lives so far abroad.

this makes sense for what shes looking for: something less serious, less committed. there is no real commitment to someone you havent met and lives abroad.

she asked me to wait until she finally makes up her mind

this doesnt make much sense 

its not reasonable to ask someone that youre not willing to commit to, to wait on you while you explore something else.

unfortunately, that can be what you get with bpd: someone at the mercy of powerful, but often fleeting emotions, with poor boundaries, impulsive and/or immature behavior, and difficulty seeing the effect of their actions on others. its a special needs relationship.

My logical calculation suggest I should move on, but the emotional part says I should stay. What a dilemma.

thats the hard part.

do you see a future for the relationship beyond those 90 days? what would it look like?

[Under The Bridge]

She also admitted that she is currently "in love" with a stranger she know from Dating App, in which she never met and lives so far abroad. On my view point, that is totally against the logic

You are the 'reality' of her life - she has met you, had the standard idealisation phase, gotten to know you and now in true BPD script, the negativity starts. This stranger is the unknown part of her life, which means that in her head she can make him whatever she wants - and that will be attractive to someone with BPD as they're always looking for that person who will be everything they want. Always a fruitless quest as nobody is perfect.

No doubt if she ever meets him in person and sees that he is not the perfect person she imagined him as, she will act the same way she has with you.

Has she expressed any desire to actually meet this person yet? She may just be happy with the fantasy at the moment.

[stageaman]

youre both looking for different things.

At the beginning she was willing to commit, but suddenly she lightly dropped this intention. We had a trip a month ago and it was wonderful. She even mentioned that we both are compatible, but recently she brought up the financial topic as an excuse, though this has been explored well in advance.

do you see a future for the relationship beyond those 90 days? what would it look like?

She has attended therapy in the past 4 years on and off, and whenever we discussed this topic, she tries her best to avoid getting into the details. I feel that this is just the tip of the iceberg, as she herself is not fully motivated to recover. I was previously in 10 years relationship with an abusive girlfriend, while she had once married and with another boyfriend, which she claimed that she was a victim too on abusive behaviours. This "victim sharing session" is what made us close together. With indications that she is not consistent, even self-sabotaging, I see this as something difficult. I offered her a couple therapy session, as I would also shortly start mine, but she declined.

I don't think I have any option rather than waiting, as premature quitting would be a boomerang to myself, as she got convinced that the mistake is actually on my side.

Has she expressed any desire to actually meet this person yet? She may just be happy with the fantasy at the moment.

Yes she has, but it would be near impossible to happen, as she is still living together with her parents. Unless she could plot a super convincing scenario, her parents would not grant such a permission for her to travel across the globe just to meet a stranger on "curiousity" motive. Your prognosis is right, no matter how attractive this man would be, she would easily got irritated later on as the flame dim.