Mad at myself

[SoVeryConfused]

I get such helpful advice on here, but struggle so much in living it. My perception of myself is that because I so lack confidence in parenting decisions around my BPD kid, I feel cold and unloving in my reactions when I do something different than before.. I waffle because I’m unsure, and of course, that’s the worst thing I could do.

How do you all manage the guilt. I know it’s common and unwarranted in many cases, but I’m talking practically. Do you do affirmations? Read something? Tell a therapist? I know the guilt is useless and hindering and I still find myself unable to let it go emotionally. It’s hurting me and her. I feel stuck.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

I think there's healthy guilt which can motivate people to grow and make positive changes.  Yet there's also unhealthy guilt, which can undermine one's self-confidence.  If guilt is excessive or misplaced, it can lead to self-doubt, and maybe lead you to take the blame for something that isn't in your control or a result of your intentional actions.  Over time, guilt can stifle you and make you excessively fearful of messing up, possibly keeping you from living your best life.  Sometimes I do a thinking check, and I ask myself, is this a limiting belief?  If I'm plagued by excessive or misplaced guilt, do I think I'm fatally flawed, a terrible person who is undeserving of happiness?  I'd say, that right there is a limiting belief, which is often brought about by excessive or misplaced guilt, unhealthy habits or excessive stress.  That's when I tell myself, this thinking is too negative!  I need a break, and I need to think positively, because when I think positively, life is much more enjoyable and interesting!

Maybe it would help to acknowledge that you can't change the past.  But you can live in the present and look forward to the future.  You are in charge of your own happiness.  Go ahead and embrace that.  I'd say, in the morning, try writing down one simple thing which, if you do it, will make your day and make you happy.  For me, sometimes this is a task, and when I write it down, I anticipate feeling satisfied and accomplished for getting it done.  For example, yesterday that task was hanging up some new curtains.  I was so happy to get them up.  And when I finished, it made my day.  Today, I aimed to go to the gym.  And I felt great doing it.  Sometimes my happy task is a little indulgence, like carving out a half hour to read a book, or sip some iced tea on the porch on a sunny day.  Now, I'm not always successful at getting everything done.  But I guess my point is, be intentional, go out and live life, and try to enjoy yourself a little every single day.  Sometimes I'm very busy and it seems almost impossible to enjoy life.  Those days I might say, I'm giving myself a 10 minute bath with candlelight, or I'm going to stretch for 10 minutes before I go to bed, or I'm going to take a 10 minute walk outside after lunch.  Even those tiny little moments can be delightful.  If things are really bad, I might just tell myself, I'm going to do some deep breathing for 5 minutes.  That I can do anywhere.

Look, with BPD, I think we spend quite a bit of time forgiving our loved ones for abusive behavior, because they are afflicted with this devastating condition.  But at the same time, we deserve to forgive ourselves, too.  The BPDs can be very manipulative and abusive, and we might say or do some things we regret to extricate ourselves from the abusive situation.  Though not ideal, this is understandable.  Give yourself some grace, at least as much as you give your loved one with BPD.

All the best to you.

[kells76]

Hi SVC;

I get such helpful advice on here, but struggle so much in living it.

I hope you know that many of us, including staff, including myself, have the same experience. I experience myself offering peer support about tools and approaches to improve relationships, yet then experience myself not applying it in my own life. I struggle with feeling shame about that, and I could see how you could also feel mad at yourself in that situation. Know that you're not alone.

My perception of myself is that because I so lack confidence in parenting decisions around my BPD kid, I feel cold and unloving in my reactions when I do something different than before.. I waffle because I’m unsure, and of course, that’s the worst thing I could do.

Tell me some more about that. Am I following with you that in the past, you'd maybe be more "supportive" and that felt to you like being warm and loving, and now that you're trying new approaches, you feel like you're behaving icily/rigidly/"stiff-arming" towards her?

Is it the ability to follow your own rules for your own life (have boundaries for yourself) while also expressing warmth and care for her, that is difficult? Or is that kind of off the mark?

How do you all manage the guilt. I know it’s common and unwarranted in many cases, but I’m talking practically. Do you do affirmations? Read something? Tell a therapist? I know the guilt is useless and hindering and I still find myself unable to let it go emotionally. It’s hurting me and her. I feel stuck.

Talking with a therapist has been really important.

While my husband's kids' don't have BPD, their mom has many traits, and so I can relate to your general situation of "trying to parent young adult children when BPD is in the family system". They are 17 & 19 so while in a sense we're on the home stretch, we are not out of it by any means.

Discussing parenting/stepparenting is still triggering for both of us. It has been years of stress and pain, and while our legal ties to the kids' mom end in (checks calendar) about 11 months, I don't think H and I are anywhere near being able to process the trauma together.

I have been able to process some very guilt-laden memories with my T -- times I deeply regret the stepparenting choices I made, choices that seem like they contributed to the kids' pain and trauma.

After processing with my T, I can sometimes think of those memories "in the wild" (i.e. not in therapy) and do OK with kind of a fleeting memory, but it still hurts and if I think about it too much, it's overwhelming.

One thing that was helpful in therapy was my T understanding and normalizing for me how abnormal and dysfunctional the situation has been. That a lot of what I did and went through was the best anyone could've done under the circumstances. Not sure how to describe it better -- but it has been really helpful to hear her say "you know what, the situation was so extreme, so abnormal, so beyond normal parenting, that of course you're still feeling _____".

Otherwise, I would probably be spiraling in shame and guilt. So it helps to be reminded that yes, the chaos and trauma are kind of still going on, and so it makes sense that I'm really not up for deep work on my own past, because current life isn't really safe or stable enough for that yet. And for me, that's where a lot of the guilt comes from: "I should be working on myself, for the kids' sake", and when I'm not "working on myself", when I'm avoiding bringing up stuff in therapy, I do feel a lot of guilt and shame. My T has helped me put that in perspective -- those are normal things to feel, and anyone would feel that, under the circumstances, and I don't need to be "doing better".

I am only occasionally able to self-affirm, and it's rarely about interpersonal/family relationships. I do a great job validating myself when I'm trying to make it to the bus on time ("all you can do is your own personal best") or grocery shopping ("you're doing great following the list"), It is a bigger step to validate/affirm myself about family interactions, but I wonder if you can do something similar -- start practicing self-validation in areas where it feels natural and authentic and achievable, just to build those brain pathways.

Are there things you are doing in life, that you feel like you could genuinely validate? It could be about your BPDd, but wouldn't have to be.

Can you self-validate about coming here and being honest? "I did the best I could to share that I was mad at myself. I did a good job being open about my feelings".

We can't always resolve the bigger feelings right away -- at least for me, that's the case. It's going to be a long process, and when BPD-related chaos is still active, we may need to accept that we have to tolerate unresolved feelings for a bit. Or, we may find that the therapy session is a safe enough place for us to process those feelings and then return to "real life". Could be worth a try, if you aren't already seeing a T.

You're definitely not the only one struggling with the challenge of feeling upset about the disconnect between learning new approaches, and living them out 

[Josie C]

I used to consider myself a confident person and parent, too; the last 15 years of BPD has turned me upside down and inside out.

Two phrases I try to remember are  “when we know better, we do better” and “we are all doing the best we can, and we can do better.” 

These statements help me remember that I’m learning — with every blow-up, with every no-contact period, with every validation attempt that goes well or poorly—if I take the opportunity to reflect on my reactions/responses and I can try to do better the next time.  I used to journal to make things clearer for myself because I find just thinking about it makes my head spin and writing it down makes me focus more.  But when things get really bad, the words don’t come.  Then I need to focus my attention elsewhere for a while until my head clears.  Sometimes a day or two, sometimes several weeks.

I love what Kells76 heard from a therapist:

One thing that was helpful in therapy was my T understanding and normalizing for me how abnormal and dysfunctional the situation has been. That a lot of what I did and went through was the best anyone could've done under the circumstances. Not sure how to describe it better -- but it has been really helpful to hear her say "you know what, the situation was so extreme, so abnormal, so beyond normal parenting, that of course you're still feeling _____".

The guilt is always there because our person’s coping mechanism is to swing the blame to us. And because we love them so fiercely, of course we wonder how/if we may have contributed to the situation. And because our confidence is shot, we take it all upon ourselves.

Just know that there are many of us walking the road and learning together. Wishing you peaceful and confident moments, SVC.