Xw refuses to comply with new court order

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The new court order clearly states " any access time missed by the father due to circumstances beyond his control must be made up within 30 days. If the parties can not come to an agreed upon time, the father shall have the final say of when access time is to be made up". To me that's pretty clear, to my L it's pretty clear but Xw refuses to comply. I missed Wednesday access bc I was sick, didn't work that day as well. I sent Xw a polite, reasonable text giving 2 different times for access to be made up. She texts back " it is not to be made up" my L sent xw's L an email, that was over 24 hours ago and no reply yet. What is the worth of the court order? Where do I stand to be sure this gets enforced?

[bus boy]

The new court order clearly states " any access time missed by the father due to circumstances beyond his control must be made up within 30 days. If the parties can not come to an agreed upon time, the father shall have the final say of when access time is to be made up". To me that's pretty clear, to my L it's pretty clear but Xw refuses to comply. I missed Wednesday access bc I was sick, didn't work that day as well. I sent Xw a polite, reasonable text giving 2 different times for access to be made up. She texts back " it is not to be made up" my L sent xw's L an email, that was over 24 hours ago and no reply yet. What is the worth of the court order? Where do I stand to be sure this gets enforced?

[Ananass]

My friend, I know how it feels encountering a situation like this. Hang in there and just do your part, document the encounter and avoid arguing with her or getting too disappointed. If you have the final say, just let her know when you intend to make up the visit. When that time comes fulfill your part. If she fails, document. Unfortunately these are situations to be encountered and we have no control over their actions. Have you thought about utilizing talkingparents.com? 

[bus boy]

Hi Ananass, I went to my L and family court, both are contacting Xw's L. After dealing with Xw for many years, I learned to expect nothing. Until I have 100% clarity from family court, that yes, Wednesday is to be made up I will just hang tight. Xw is a paralegal and can dissect legal documents. I've been made a fool of by her before bc I didn't fully understand the court order. Xw is a very bad trouble maker and lier, she has just been charged with assaulting my sister and nephew. She has her big goon BF wrapped around her finger and on the ready so I want to make sure everything is legal before I go looking to make up the time any further. I'm not big on conflict, Xw and her BF are. She has once all ready created an imaginary conflict and had her BF come after me. She is an emotionally disfunctional person.

[ForeverDad]

As the court order states, if together you two can't agree to schedule the make up time, then you get to decide.  Think of it as a variation on Tie Beaker status... .you will get your time, with or without her cooperation.  Since she refused to work with you on a time, the inform her in an appropriate way, one the court would find acceptable.  Don't ask, inform start and end and then where the exchanges will be, presumably the normal places.  Be very clear, leave nothing to 'reinterpretation'.

Let me insert an idea here.  How about having that time extend a regular scheduled time so that the previously missed time is added to the end of your scheduled time?  The benefits are (1) you already have the children so all you do is keep them longer and (2) if she calls the police and complains the police will be able to read your order and step back.  Of course, as most police do, they'll plead with the parents to resolve it — their main goal after all is not to do what is right but simply to resolve the immediate incident — and then tell you two to "fix it in court."  That's how my police handled such disputes.

In my case we usually exchanged at the local sheriff's office in the early years.  So I would go there and and wait for her to arrive with our son.  I would wait 30 minutes, the time window specified in my area.  If she didn't arrive I went inside and reported she didn't appear and asked for a report to be made.  (If we met somewhere else then I'd call for an officer to come to handle the problem and make a report.)  That was my independent documentation of non-compliance.  That, combined with you prior communications would be attached to my court form.

Due to our past conflicts and her propensity to pose as a victim, I never approached her door or vehicle uninvited.  I also recorded myself so I had proof I wasn't the aggressive or misbehaving person.  I kept my physical distance and I recommend you always do the same.

So, if you don't get your missed time, for whatever reason, how do you fix it in court?  First, make sure you never give any written or implied comments that she can claim you stepped back from requiring her to give time.  Then you work with your lawyer after the 30 day rescheduling period is past to file a Contempt of Court petition.  In it you can request her to pay your expenses (courts costs and perhaps also the lawyer's charges?).  The problem is that Contempts are handled like parking tickets, consequences often aren't very strong and it may take a few Contempts before the court agrees to have the non-compliant parent pay for their non-compliance.  One side benefit is that her getting a few Contempts may give you basis to seek an improved parenting schedule and/or more custodial responsibility.  You may not want to do that but if you don't enforce that boundary granted by the order then what alternative do you have if you don't want to enable further obstruction?

[bus boy]

HI foreverdad, now xw wants to sit down and discuss changes for access. The summer access is confusing, gives different access options but gives me 50/50 shared time in the summer so now Xw wants changes. My requests are always very reasonable, I'm very reasonable. All I'm asking is to resume Wednesday and Sunday overnight and do away with split weekend. Xw always fights for less access, the court system is so backed up, we have no judge so the retired judge that heard our case knew nothing of our past problems and treated like 2 parents that couldn't get along. We are in the era of 50/50 custody. My lawyer figured I would keep the order we had or get 50/50. Now I am waiting for Xw to give her terms so I can respond.

[bus boy]

I should mention, I'm in a bad spot. Xw wants to discuss changes after refusing any of my requests but Xw also assaulted my sister and my nephew, it's all caught on the store video security camera and the RCMP wants a statement from me so now I'm in a bad spot.

[Sunfl0wer]

Changes?
Are you asking if custody is in anyway related to her illegal actions?
I do not see why you would tie the two together unless you are in a big dose of FOG.
This seems reckless.

There is a reason why there is a US policy that we do not give recognition to terrorist groups and treat them as radicals.  It sets a precedent to protect us. (Not that it has always been followed) We are not supposed to give monies to free hostages from terrorists.  (Likely also not supposed to withold info, falsify info, etc.)

[bus boy]

Xw wants to sit with the lawyers and come to an access agreement, make changes to the access court order but I fear Xw will get her face in a knot if I give a statement to the RCMP about Xw's assault on my sister and my nephew. I am looking for 2 very distinct changes in the access but Xw is holding out, bc she can, bc she knows it something I want and s10 wants but Xw could care less. Now she is willing to talk about the changes and I fear if I make a statement to the RCMP Xw will walk away from the mediation.

[ForeverDad]

She may walk away from mediation whether or not you testify or make a statement.  Remember, you can't control her long term.  She may not follow through on the reciprocity angle.  Odds are she's more likely to ramp up her chaos once that incident goes away.  Also, if she gets away with attacks on your family once, the risks are higher that she will feel empowered to do it again.  Some boundaries are not negotiable.  Of course, you decide which boundaries are more important than others.

[takingandsending]

Hey busboy.
That's a really tough situation you are in. You must have so much running through your head right now - anger about your xw assaulting your family, fear over losing more access or at a minimum having to fight for even the access the order states, and holding how all of this is experienced by your son. If you are experiencing FOG, I think it'd be pretty understandable.

I think what F-dad and Sunfl0wer are encouraging you to do is to consider what is right for you v. what may happen if you hold to that. Maybe look at it this way: what are the things that you'd most hope your son would learn and do if faced with conflicts of the type you are facing? Whatever that answer is, that is where your boundary lies, that is what to build from. I am in a similar boat right now minus the assault stuff and it is taking time to build the confidence that I actually do know what is best for my kids and myself, more than the lawyers, mediators and my wife. Hang in there.

[Sunfl0wer]

If she really wants to negotiate this, have her do it today, without exception.  Have it done and signed, completed 100% legally binding within 24hrs.

Hold off on your statement, tell them you will be ready for your statement in two days.

If she will not negotiate and SIGN it now, then you are simply being toyed with.  She likely has no intention of making it closer to what you desire, but just using this leverage.

No need to discuss the charges with her that she is up against.  It is not your place to be a sounding board for her distress over her bad behavior.
There are consequences for behavior and she should be permitted to face what she has incurred there.