No reconciliation or stabilization in sight

[SoVeryConfused]

My 24-year-old child is still raging at me daily. Says she does not want a relationship. That would be a respite, frankly, if true. She immediately calls back to repeat it. When I stop answering, I'm "ignoring" her.

I've responded that I understand her anger over past things; I'm trying to do things differently. But since I'm not doing the things SHE wants, I'm selfish.

Ex #1: After being sworn at, I text that I care AND I'll talk to her again in a few days. She'll immediately rage call & text. When I don't pick up - I'm rotten and have not changed.

Ex #2: Says we never offer to see her and don't care. Huh??? We've asked to come every weekend! I've driven there and she wouldn't see me.
I try to validate - I see you feel that we don't care.
Her response - Knock it off - I don't "feel." It's true. You don't care. You are horrible.

Ex #3: She's furious we travel in winter. 
We validated - I'm sorry, we didn't know you would feel left alone.
Her response - ok, well, now you know, so you're not going, right?   
Her: I'm not doing well, and you just want to go on vacation (we work). You are horrible.

Ex #4: She calls to tell me she's blocking me. I say, I understand. If you change your mind, I'm here.
Immediately call & call & call to repeat it, and add that I'm selfish, etc.
I usually text and say - I hear you. We can talk tomorrow.
Response - more rage texts and swearing.

I share all this not to burden you, but to give you real-life examples. I suggested we could all try to make a fresh start and try to repair the relationship, but she said no. But then she'll say we don't try. If you can't JADE, what do you do in these calls?

I would welcome your experience.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

Ironically - that she is calling you daily- this is a relationship. If she really didn't want to have a relationship with you, she'd not call at all.

BPD affects the closest relationships the most. They act out most with people they feel safest with. It doesn't seem fair that the person the closest to her gets the worst of the behavior- but- that is you and her calling daily is her actually having a relationship with you.

It's hard to hear (and you don't have to endure verbal abuse) but the statements are on the level of a feeling dump. They aren't true- and so no reason to defend them. Try not to take them personally. It's not possible to reason with someone who is in the middle of this. It's an adult version of a toddler tantrum. The child wants a cookie for dinner, the parent says no, and the child has a tantrum, says things like "you are a poopy face". The parent response is to not give this more energy- and wait the tantrum out. Trying to reason with the child in the moment only escalates the situation.

The child still won't get the cookie. This is normal for a toddler who doesn't have emotional regulation skills and pwBPD may not have these either.

If she's still calling- that is a connection. It may not be the change you want to see in her but it is a relationship. You also have the right to have boundaries and not to be always available as someone to dump emotions on. You can also go on vacation and have your space. Your task is to hold on to the boundaries you have, even if she's making these statements. If something isn't true, you don't have to defend them. You can simply say "I understand you feel this way". If the conversation goes on too long- say "I love you honey but I need to go to an appointment, or there's someone at the door (or any excuse). Silence your phone and let her leave messages.