The Ongoing Smear Campaign and How to Deal with it

[Depression = 72% of members]

I went no contact with my NPD sister a few years ago along with low contact/no contact with most of my large extended family and their flying monkeys. For years before going no contact with my NPD sister, whenever I went back to visit in the area where we grew up, I found people who suddenly did not like me since the last time I was there even though nothing unusual had happened between us. Now I go there in the summer, and I find my sister continually working people who know both us to get them on her side. Some people resist her efforts for a while, then fall prey to her efforts. I have learned that the only people who are safe for me to be friends with are people she is not interested in, either because they don't put up with her narcissism or she does not consider them intelligent enough to be in her circle.

I have been influenced by negative things that other people tell me about another person. Now I try to use my best judgment, though there are people whose opinion of another I can trust. These people are decent people in their own right, rarely bad mouth another person, are not flying monkeys, and people I have known for a long time.

As I get older and wiser, I realize true friends are the best. I have just a few friends. My sister has a large group of people who like her, who seem to have no idea how she abuses people closest to her or those who do not meet her criteria which includes never criticizing her in any way.

I find the ongoing smear campaign heartbreaking. One women who I like was suddenly defending my sister where in the past she did not like her very much. I think this woman's criteria is try to find the best in everybody. I used to be like that, enabling people who were nice at times, who suddenly could turn abusive. I have learned that trustworthy decent people do their best to be decent even in the most difficult situations. I often tell friends that I do not consider a person a friend until we have disagreed on something, have accepted our differences while respecting our different points of view. I still get taken by people who are charming, yet out of the blue do something really terrible showing their true colors. I now use the criteria of noticing if there is a connection and empathy between us when interacting with people, and distance myself if a person is putting on a show to convince me that they are special. The best people are humble, no need to show off, though I find many of these people are very accomplished in different ways; it just takes time to find out and they don't wear a sign saying look at me and I demand to be admired if you want to have the privilege of being part of my circle of distinguished people.

How are you doing with the smear campaign?

[zachira]

I went no contact with my NPD sister a few years ago along with low contact/no contact with most of my large extended family and their flying monkeys. For years before going no contact with my NPD sister, whenever I went back to visit in the area where we grew up, I found people who suddenly did not like me since the last time I was there even though nothing unusual had happened between us. Now I go there in the summer, and I find my sister continually working people who know both us to get them on her side. Some people resist her efforts for a while, then fall prey to her efforts. I have learned that the only people who are safe for me to be friends with are people she is not interested in, either because they don't put up with her narcissism or she does not consider them intelligent enough to be in her circle.

I have been influenced by negative things that other people tell me about another person. Now I try to use my best judgment, though there are people whose opinion of another I can trust. These people are decent people in their own right, rarely bad mouth another person, are not flying monkeys, and people I have known for a long time.

As I get older and wiser, I realize true friends are the best. I have just a few friends. My sister has a large group of people who like her, who seem to have no idea how she abuses people closest to her or those who do not meet her criteria which includes never criticizing her in any way.

I find the ongoing smear campaign heartbreaking. One women who I like was suddenly defending my sister where in the past she did not like her very much. I think this woman's criteria is try to find the best in everybody. I used to be like that, enabling people who were nice at times, who suddenly could turn abusive. I have learned that trustworthy decent people do their best to be decent even in the most difficult situations. I often tell friends that I do not consider a person a friend until we have disagreed on something, have accepted our differences while respecting our different points of view. I still get taken by people who are charming, yet out of the blue do something really terrible showing their true colors. I now use the criteria of noticing if there is a connection and empathy between us when interacting with people, and distance myself if a person is putting on a show to convince me that they are special. The best people are humble, no need to show off, though I find many of these people are very accomplished in different ways; it just takes time to find out and they don't wear a sign saying look at me and I demand to be admired if you want to have the privilege of being part of my circle of distinguished people.

How are you doing with the smear campaign?

[js friend]

I havent been the victim of a smear campaign that I know of but I have observed kids/adults bully others and from what I have seen people will sometimes side with a bully
due to fear rather than have the threat of being bullied themselves.

Imo I think this is may be a reason why these people have turned their backs on you and are entertaining your sisters nonsense.

[zachira]

I do think fear is part of the reason people will side with bullies. Another aspect is people will side with the one that has the most power. Some people fall for the superficial presentation of another person. They often think if a person is nice to them than they are nice to everybody.

[TelHill]

Hi zachira,

I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m going through a smear campaign with my BPD/NPD brother now and some members of our extended family. People who were friendly seem less so and guarded though I haven’t seen or spoken to them in quite a while.

My brother excels at impression management and public relations. These seem to come to him easily without a second thought.  I don’t have these skills. I’m empathetic and sensitive. I place a high value on kindness and honesty.  My dBPD mom set me up as the family scapegoat and my brother continues to treat me like this.

I’m finding there’s no winning against his smear campaigns. I’m enduring it and accepting it.It totally hurts to my core though.  I’ll be polite and respectful to my relatives. I’m hoping that will look better to people than idle gossip.

I don’t have hope that it will ever stop. My brother’s not interested in therapy. He seems happy with the status quo, unfortunately. I can’t make him change.

Sending you positive thoughts from afar!

[Notwendy]

I don't know all of what BPD mother has said about me to other people, but I have heard she's told people to not speak to me. If anyone was in her circle, I keep them at a polite distance and don't get too close to them.

From what I have heard people tell me is that she didn't say obviously bad things about me but implied I was having "emotional problems" and they shouldn't bother me. If she said something it was usually followed by "and don't tell NW, I told you this". It would sound as if she was saying this because she was concerned for me.

It was hurtful to me when this involved family members as it affected my relationship with them.   If I was around them at a family function, it felt awkward and embarrassing. They thought I was the one with issues.

Her friends? Some of them I didn't even know well, so it didn't matter as much to me.

I also came to the conclusion that there's no way to clear the air or approach them about it. If they already believed I was the one with the issues, it would just confirm that to them. So I just continued to act polite in their presence and let them have their own relationship with BPD mother.

[TelHill]

I found listening to the song Bigmouth Strikes Again by The Smiths to help let off some steam about these issues. I like 80s new wave music which is not everyone’s cup of tea.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PtzhvJh9NRY&pp=ygUhdGhlIHNtaXRocyBiaWdtb3V0aCBzdHJpa2VzIGFnYWlu

[zachira]

TelHill,
I really feel understood by how you have expressed what it is like to be the target of an ongoing smear campaign by a sibling. It seems that those who excel at impression management and public relations like your brother and my sister are narcissists. I have found that those people who fall for their false image are usually pretty narcissistic themselves and/or have a weak sense of self and oftentimes are conflict avoidant, rather go along than disagree. Those of us who are most authentic are disliked by narcissists because we are a threat to the false image they are trying to sell.

I post here from time to time about the smear campaign, as there are times when it feels more hurtful than ever. I can't imagine being like my sister or your brother, so wound up in getting even instead of moving on.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
You are right that those who buy the smear campaign are not likely to ever see through it. Yes, it seems that it is best to distance ourselves from these people, and be polite in their presence. You seem to have made some progress with the smear campaign, as some of the relatives did seem to see through it when your mother needed help moving into assisted living. Now that your mother is gone, you know that your mother cannot enlist any more flying monkeys to assist her in the smear campaign. The hardest part for me, is the smear campaign is never ending and I seem to have no permanent escape from it. My sister has gone after my friends, the neighbors, etc., anybody that is around the community we grew up in which I visit in the summer. I will be visiting soon, and I am dreading who will it be this time that has suddenly distanced themselves from me and/or comes up to insult me out of the blue, because of my sister's never ending campaign to prove she indeed merits being the golden child and I the role of scapegoat.

You are right that there can be some advantages to being the scapegoat. I am so different from most of my family members in so many ways. It seems that if we accept being the scapegoat than we put ourselves on a path to self destruction. I believe that many drug addicts, alcoholics, career criminals, were likely scapegoated by their FOO. I think my most outstanding achievement is that I am pretty authentic and generally care about others most of the time. If I had been a golden child, I think I would have likely been a narcissist, like many members of my large extended family. It must be so painful to constantly be trying to impress others and to hide behind the mask. I notice that a lot of the members of my extended family do not have a genuine smile and do not seem able to experience joy. How sad this is!

One tactic that does seem to work with the smear campaign when someone confronts me with the lies they have heard about me is to simply say: "That is not true." and then walk away.