NC Follow-Up

[yeslady]

Hi Everyone,

My last post was 6 weeks ago. That was when I decided to go NC with my uBPD mom. There was a serious incident with my children that instigated it. Since then, I have had my mother and father on total block on all media. My siblings have been supportive, but I have been somewhat distanced from them because I did not want to involve them in any possible drama.

I am posting because as I enter week 6 I am reevaluating my decision and would love some insight. The first 2 weeks were very rough with physical symptoms, tears, and anxiety. I thought through my decision very carefully prior to making it and discussed it in advance with family members. If I had to summarize my current thoughts as simply as possible I would say: "I love NC. I love being free of the fear of what drama with come next. I love being able to schedule my day without it being hijacked. I have been so much more productive lately. I have had moments of peace, calm, and hope like I haven't ever had before. I've made other positive changes that realigned my family with our core values. I am seeing God's hand working in my own family's life in real, material ways. Even my sister has noted some positive outcomes she has received from my decision. Functionally and objectively there is nothing but positives from my decision and continued NC. HOWEVER - I can not kick the guilt. I can not kick the second thoughts."

I am posting today particularly because while I was out on errands yesterday I drove past my mom. Just seeing her for a split second ... I can't say I wanted to talk to her. I can't honestly say I had anything but fear and revulsion. She looked miserable (that's how she usually looks). But when I saw her I felt like my progress was an illusion. I felt guilty over my own brief moments of happiness. In my heart I know I always wanted NC even from a young age. Now I have it and it makes me feel like a bad person. I'm not drawn to contacting her. I am drawn to morally valid decisions. I believeD my decision to go NC was morally valid because it protected my children, my marriage, and myself and it disallowed an abuser from continuing. It also stopped me from continuing to lie habitually to keep the peace. It stopped me from taking God's place by trying to "fix" her and everything in my family of origin. It stopped me from disordering natural justice, i.e. returning apologies for harm. Why is it so difficult to integrate my decision into myself? Why do I still feel obliged to eventually go back?

[zachira]

Sometimes we may feel guilty when going NC with a close family member and part of that guilt can be underlying sadness. I am NC with my BPD sister and LC with many family members for a few years now. I still grieve the loss of my family. I regularly get reminded by flying monkeys that I should reestablish contact. Do you have people supporting your decision for NC and do you have people trying to get you to end NC? Usually there is more pressure from more outsiders to make us feel guilty about being NC and little support or understanding about why we need NC/LC for our own peace of mind. On this site, I have observed that members often go through cycles of LC/NC until they find which one works permanently.

[Notwendy]

I think that mother-child bond will always have an emotional pull for us. Even if we cognitively comprehend that we need to protect ourselves, emotionally, it's a struggle.

In our situations, we are also wired to feel responsible for our mother's feelings.

NC isn't a complete solution. I think we need counseling for support. We also need to examine our own emotions. For many of us, we've been focused on our BPD parent's feelings and the drama that surrounds them. With less contact- we are left with a space for our own feelings.

I think we long for the mother we wish we had. Perhaps we have the urge to seek out the mother we have, in some hopes she might be that mother, and then we see it isn't that way.
 
I think we also struggle with our own moral foundation. We know we should "Honor our mothers" but we have to navigate what this actually involves according to our own moral guidelines. For me, one explanation that helped me to decide this is to honor the best in her, not enable her to do hurtful things to others. It isn't honoring her if I enable her to be verbally or emotionally abusive to me or my children.

As to whether to have contact or not, a counselor put it in terms of my own abilty to manage contact. Not "she is too mentally ill for me to have contact with her" but "I am not far along in my own emotional recovery to have contact with her". I didn't go NC with her, I did LC.  Short visits were more maneagable, and with someone else along with me. Visits alone with her were more likely to be volatile.

Distance was a boundary for me. I could manage visits because they involved travel on my own terms. If she had lived closer, I may have needed a different situation.

You are doing the best you can with a complicated situation. The feelings are a part of it.