Exhausted and fed up - total compassion fatigue

[Zuzmat]

I read the posts on here and I am in awe of how patient and generous you all seem to be.  I try very hard to follow the advice – turn the other cheek, don’t take the insults personally, validate the emotion not the words, support, sympathise etc etc.  I have been doing this to the best of my ability for 12 years now but, here’s the thing, I am exhausted.  I have had enough; the well is dry; I have total compassion fatigue.
My daughter, 26, has terrorised our family for these 12 years.  She threatens suicide continually, self harms, overdoses, drinks to excess, abuses each of us, shoplifts, has run-ins with the police and then still blames us for everything.  I have tried to support her in every way I know how but nothing ever gets any better.
Thankfully, my daughter now lives independently – which has improved things a little – but she still sends abusive messages, streams of them, to me and her dad.  We still get drunken phone calls accusing us, insulting us etc.  The latest occasion of her splitting resulted in her threatening arson – “I’m going to torch your cars” – and culminated in her going to the police to report my husband for “historic physical abuse”.  This never happened, of course, and is total fabrication but is nevertheless extremely upsetting for my husband.
I just don’t think I can go on.  We have loved her, supported her, encouraged her, supported her financially, done everything we can think of to help.  She refuses to do anymore therapy.  She has never really applied herself to the various therapies she has tried, including DBT, and will not do any more. We have tried setting boundaries – we will not speak to you when you are drunk or abusive, we want a relationship with you but we need you undertake therapy etc but she agrees and then just ignores them.
I have currently blocked her on my phone and will not speak to her after the latest round of abuse but I just don’t know how to proceed from here.  I am so fed up and exhausted I actually feel that a long period of estrangement is what I would actually like now – does this make me a bad person? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi zuzmat

Wanting peace in your life doesnt make you a bad person at all.

My life was turned upside down when my udd lived at home. Like you I tried everything that I could think of as well as everything that was suggested to make things better and I can tell you nothing worked until she left home at 17yo. Things between us improved a little bit when she left home but once she got settled she went right back talking to me  in a disrespectful manner and  doing many of the things she did before. She is now 31yo and we are now currently estranged and tbh Im glad to have some peace before I die.

I think maintaining boundaries with your  is udd is the most important thing you can for you  moving forward right now. Physically and mentally the abuse and stress wears us down overtime,  so we have to do something to give us some relief and if that means blocking all calls from your dd or letting it go to vm then so be it because it gives you the space to clear your mind and let the dust settle. How long for is really up to you. Like you said you have had 12years of it and it is time to break the cycle. You have to think about your needs right now. Like your dd my udd has never been committed to doing therapy so I dont expect a change anytime soon if at and so Iam glad to not be dealing with this anymore.

My udd never made threats against me and there may be more experienced posters on here who can advise you better than I can through experience, but I would say all threats of self-harm and personal threats against you or your property should be taken seriously and the appropriate services called. I think there needs to be a consequence to this behaviour and  if they turn up on her doorstep a few times  and they make  a report it may make your udd think twice about making these threats.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I get where you're coming from.  My adult BPD stepdaughter was an emotional terrorist in our home.  Indeed I felt shell-shocked much of the time.  Though I try not to let thoughts of her consume me, I can't help but notice that she occupies an awful lot of my emotional and intellectual bandwidth.  If I'm not re-arranging my days to accommodate her, I'm bracing myself for a meltdown.  Just the other day when she came for an extended visit (which feels more like a hotel stay with free room service), I heard a loud thump, and I couldn't help but wonder if she was trying to hang herself.  Then I thought, no, she wouldn't do that, she'd swallow pills instead, and I tried to go back to sleep.  I dare say I breathed a sigh of relief the next morning, because she decided to leave in a huff several days early.  Why?  Because her dad dared ask her to get out of bed at 11 am, as it was a weekday and she was supposed to be looking for work.  Like you, I'm more at ease when she's keeping her distance, and I don't have tiptoe around, walking on eggshells in my own home.

I've had some success by adjusting my expectations.  For example, I do not expect any courtesy from her--no pleases or thank-yous, no help with chores, no hellos or good-byes, no exchange of pleasantries.  I generally do not make plans which require any action from her, because she is not reliable, and I don't want to be disappointed.  I can't even trust her to lock the doors of my house if I ask her to, it's too much of an imposition.  And though she's a grown woman, I expect behavior, functioning and intelligence more in line with a young teenager who happens to have a driver's license and a car we bought her.  I expect her to be moody and petulant all the time, which is fine with me, as long as she's not destroying my property or stealing belongings.  If she insults me or accuses me of outrageous things, I tend to have to stifle a laugh, because it's preposterous, and obviously a misguided reaction, a deflection away from her real issue du jour.  I guess I don't feel guilt because I didn't raise her, and I see right through her behaviors.  I cannot possibly feel any blame for her poor choices which she makes all by herself.  But I do feel "abused," because she has consumed so much of the family's money and resources, and I'm starting to resent it, not so much because she's ungrateful (I expected that), but because the support and enablement seems never-ending.  When will my husband say enough is enough?  Probably when he's forced to come out of retirement to take a job in order to support her lifestyle.

You are not a bad person, even though your daughter probably tries to convince you otherwise.  I get that you're totally worn down by her relentless onslaughts, and you're consumed with worry and regrets.  Look, your daughter is not a child anymore.  I think you deserve to take a break from her.  In this phase of your life, I think you should shift the focus onto you, and emphasize self-care.  You've been abused for over a decade, you deserve some respite and recovery.

All my best to you.  

[Notwendy]

I don't think anyone who is feeling the need for boundaries to protect their own mental well being is a bad person. I think we feel judged because this is not the usual cultural expectation. We feel that mothers are "supposed" to care for their children, and adult children are "supposed" to help their elderly parents. In a way, we feel a loss of the cultural norm- as we wish for a "normal" parent child relationship. But it isn't normal.

You are not a bad person.

I would describe my BPD mother as having been an emotional terrorist as well.

I felt I had to have boundaries with her. I was involved in her elder years with her care management but not as a caregiver myself. As my friends were bringing their elderly parents to live near them- I wished to do that too, but when I spent time with my parents trying to help them, it was an emotionally and verbally abusive situation. I did stay involved but at a distance.

CC43, I understand it must be frustrating to see your H in this situation with his daughter, not feeling able to say "no" to her. I think you have done well with your boundaries and also agree- that if he wants to direct funds to her- he may have to also experience the consequences.

Having boundaries with a close family member doesn't feel natural, but sometimes it is necessary. Along with feeling judged, I think there's grief- grief for the relationship we wish we could have.

As to any threats of self harm, or harming anyone else, there are consequences to these too. For self harm threats- that is 911. For threats of harming others- the police.

[kells76]

Anyone would feel frustrated and depleted in your situation. Twelve years with no break is a long time.

I appreciate that the NEABPD recognized compassion fatigue as a real thing -- the slide on "Healthy Selfishness" in their brief handout on Must-have skills for families reads:

Avoid burning out
• You are needed!
• Be supportive

Observe your limits
• It’s OK to say no – as long as it’s for you
• No accusations or punishments
• Oxygen mask

Choose your battles
• Helps you be predictable and safe

NO to:
Violent or insulting behaviors
Actions that push your limits
Decisions you would regret

They also have a video called Skills? Not today! about times when we're just too tired for skills. It happens and it's normal -- I'd be curious if there's anything in there that you feel you can relate to?

I have currently blocked her on my phone and will not speak to her after the latest round of abuse but I just don’t know how to proceed from here.  I am so fed up and exhausted I actually feel that a long period of estrangement is what I would actually like now – does this make me a bad person?  

Is she in touch with any other family members (your spouse, any siblings, aunts/uncles, etc)?

And can you remind me if you're in any kind of therapy/counseling right now?

Sometimes we give until there's nothing left, and then we give more... and then there's really nothing left. There are videos of marathon runners who mentally want to cross the finish line, but their bodies won't cooperate, and all they can do is crawl, or lie there. Maybe mentally you want to help and support, but your body is saying "can't do that right now".

I wonder if you can look at this time as a temporary recovery time. You can't help anyone (her or yourself or any other family member) when there's nothing in the tank. Recovery time doesn't have to last forever -- this is one chapter in your story where you may need a dose of "healthy selfishness".

And maybe it'll be like a kaleidoscope. All the pieces inside remain the same, but as the kaleidoscope is turned, the pieces rearrange and settle in new ways.

Maybe this can be a "turning" for your family, and after this chapter, things will settle out differently, and you might have some new insights (and new energy!) about a path forward.

Hard stuff, for sure.

[123sunshine123]

I can relate to all of this discussion about compassion fatigue, and fatigue in providing support. There is no end insight until one of us is dead. You are not a terrible person and none of us are wrong to carve out space and time away from our people. In fact I am learning that this attending to my our own mental health is my right. I remind my self, I am an adult, I am not responsible for my person with ubpd's feelings. She has needs but so do I. Both are true. I am responsible for meeting my needs and she is responsible for meeting her needs. But is it productive to actually say that  to her?

My question is what can I say to the person who I need a break from? Can I tell them I am tried of listening to all the negativity and complaints and need a break? Is it better for me to make something up, like, I'm busy with X and can't come over? Can I say listening to your judgment and criticism hurts my feelings and I don't want to discuss this? Can I tell them when one of their comments is insulting and hurtful? In the past his causes an argument. What if they are asking for explanation for why I do not want to help/talk/do for them more, can't I see how difficult things are for them? It's the in the moment language that I lack, and I struggle with confidence to put my needs ahead of their needs and anxiety. Thank you Kells76, I will review the articles you recommended from the website.

[Notwendy]

I found that it wasn't helpful to say anything about my own needs or feelings to my BPD mother. Her perspective was as victim to begin with and any discussion about needs other than hers seemed to escalate the situation.

One helpful piece of advice from a friend was to call BPD mother on a schedule that I decided on.  I didn't say anything to her about the decision or what I would do. I just started to call her once a week at the same time until it became a predictable pattern. Sometimes I'd call and she didn't want to talk and she'd hang up. Or I'd call and she did want to talk. Regardless, I didn't react either way.

The calls were mostly listening to what she wanted to say, less talking on my part. I decided what information I wanted to share with her. If it was personal, I wouldn't share it. There are other things to talk about that weren't- like child's sports team winning, or the news, or something that I didn't feel was too personal to share with her.

If she called between times and it wasn't urgent- I'd say "I can't talk right now but I will call you next ________ at ________(our usual time). This way, it wasn't abandonment.

The schedule did come undone towards the later years- with more frequent calls when she had medical issues but it was necessary to be available by phone. For the most part, it was a help.

[kells76]

Great questions -- maybe I'll summarize everyone's into one that could be close:

What should I say (if anything) to the pwBPD in my life when I decide to decrease my interaction/engagement/conversation?

Understanding our own goals could be helpful.

What would we want to happen, if we were to explain ourselves to them? What are we going for, what need do we have underneath? (permission? empathy? agreement? validation? apology? us feeling heard? something else?)

Can our pwBPD provide what we want? (maybe sometimes yes, sometimes no, always, never, it depends on the day/person...)

What is in our control? who is ultimately responsible for meeting our inner needs? How would I feel if I went to my pwBPD with a request, explanation, justification, etc, and didn't receive what I needed? Could I tolerate that?

Lots of good discussion...