is it a ping?

[CanBuild91]

I'm nearly three years out from my breakup, which I've written about at length on this board, and gotten so much helpful feedback. Something happened recently which really got my head spinning, wondering if it was a ping after so much silence.

I'm big into cherrypicking and every year post on Instagram about cherry season. Anybody who knows me knows that this is a tradition, and in fact three years ago, the last spring that my ex and I were together, she even participated in my cherrypicking photoshoot.  

Last month, she posted a cherry themed post of her own. Not cherrypicking, but her wearing all red, wearing cherry earrings, and the caption was just a cherry emoji. It was a cherry post.

I immediately polled my friends and pretty much everybody agrees that it can't be an accident or oversight, like she suddenly forgot that I have this cherry season tradition, but people disagree on what to do about it. One friend said that it's clearly a ping, some kind of flirty message that only I would pick up on, and that I should send a flirty easter egg back in my yearly post. More people however have advised me to do nothing about it.

Here's sort of how I'm feeling about it. After the breakup, I begged and sent flowers and gifts and apologies and more flowers and more apologies. I stopped doing that after a few months, but I didn't stop grappling with the breakup. I read books on BPD, and trauma, and surviving BPD parents which I think is her situation. I also took account of my own failings, the ways I JADEd rather than listened, empathized, and validated her feelings. I've done the work.

My texts have been blocked from the beginning, and as of last January were still blocked. I want so badly to reconnect with my ex but after all I've done, I feel like she has to open the door in a more real way. I don't know what to do with red clothes and a cherry emoji.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this situation? I don't want her to feel like "well I tried" with that post, and that my silence is a rejection, but I just don't know what to do about it.

Do you think her post was a ping, and if so, what next?

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[Under The Bridge]

It may well be a 'ping'.. but it might just be a ping sent out to see if you're still there, and not because she necessarily wants to reconnect seriously. Remember, BPD's like to know that their ex's are still available and are an option. She may be having a quiet time at the moment, with nobody else in her life so is testing the waters with you.

She's blocked you for a long time, which you should take into consideration. If you want to send her a brief message then go for it - just don't get your expectations up and end up disappointed. 3 years apart has hopefully given you some time to heal, even though you still miss her, so you need to think whether you want to get back on the train again.

A 'Hey, I loved your cherry photo, brings back the happy memories' would be enough to put the ball back in her court. If she genuinely wants to engage further then great.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[CanBuild91]

Thanks for your response, Under the Bridge, I appreciate your thoughts.

I decided not to respond to the cherry post. I figured that I have made so much effort to reconcile, sending sincere apologies and taking full accountability for my role in the dysfunction. My last couple of emails were low stakes check ins, which she could have easily responded to but didn’t. I decided that if she wants to reconnect, she knows how. She can unblock my texts and send me something more intentional. “This picture popped up and reminded me of the time we…” I just didn’t know what to do with a cherry post that I can’t be 100% sure was directed at me, and so I did nothing. She needs to take a bigger step towards me.

It’s been two months since the cherry post, and yesterday she posted something else which seems like a ping. It was just a photo of her, slightly thirsty trappy, but the music choice seemed to be a reference to our other biggest couples joke, and a subject of real intimacy between us. It’s her first post since the cherry, and it sure seems like another reference to us.

Has anybody else been in this situation? I don’t know what to do with this, because I’ll seem crazy if I reach out “hey I saw you posted something that looked like a reference…” so again I’m inclined to just ignore it, but I also don’t want her to feel like she tried to get my attention and it didn’t work so she gives up. From my perspective I need something much more clear and direct, but it’s also hard to overestimate her insecurity and fear of rejection.

Do you guys think she’ll keep escalating and reach out more directly?

[Under The Bridge]

My last couple of emails were low stakes check ins, which she could have easily responded to but didn’t. I decided that if she wants to reconnect, she knows how. She can unblock my texts and send me something more intentional. “This picture popped up and reminded me of the time we…” I just didn’t know what to do with a cherry post that I can’t be 100% sure was directed at me, and so I did nothing. She needs to take a bigger step towards me.

It’s been two months since the cherry post, and yesterday she posted something else which seems like a ping.

Actions speak louder than words.  As you rightly say, she can connect with you any time she wants but it takes 2 months for her next ping. She's obviously in no great urgent need to contact you so this looks like she's throwing the fishing line out again to see if she gets a bite, meanwhile she continues with whatever she's doing - be it on her own or with someone else.

She may continue to send these pings from time to time but I wouldn't build up my hopes and expect a solid and direct message from her. It may happen though - nobody can predict the thoughts and actions of a BPD. I'd be inclined to ignore the pings and wait for something more concrete and proof of her intentions.

I would be wary though - you've been apart 3 years now and, while you naturally think of her, you should be getting on with life as normal. 3 years is a lot of time to spend only to end up back at square one in the same problematic relationship.

Best wishes.

[CanBuild91]

The social media messages have gotten more explicit. She’s moved from posting what I believe are inside jokes / references that only I would pick up on, to her latest post having a song which is as explicit as it could be, lyrics that say: “I can’t stop thinking about you, I think about texting you all the time, I wish I could take everything back…”

Do these increasingly explicit and vulnerable posts typically continue escalating to direct contact? And how can she square these messages with her friend group, who’s spent the last couple of years hearing that I’m the devil? It’s one thing to post inside jokes, but this is as clear as it can be: “I miss him.”

It’s just frustrating because I’ve spent three years thinking about what I did wrong and what I know I could do  better, to have a happy relationship if we ever got a second chance. I’ve sent apologies and flowers and more apologies and had to stop over a year ago. I came to the conclusion that the ball has to be in her court. She has to bridge the gap. I hope in her mind that these posts aren’t her attempt at reaching out and that by not responding I’m rejecting her in her, because I’m here and ready to know her again and be good to her, but I need her to do more than post on social media. I need a text or an email.

[Rowdy]

She might well be reaching out. Problem with bpd is fear of abandonment, fear of rejection. It may well be she won’t come out and say how she feels in case you reject her.

Difficult. Completely understand you don’t want to play games and need her to show you in more certain terms. Sounds like a bit of a stale mate situation to me. Sorry I haven’t read your back story as new to this site, but from what you have written in this thread that is how it comes across to me.

[CanBuild91]

Thank you Rowdy, and welcome to the community. I think you're right - her insecurity and fear of rejection can't be overstated. In her mind, reaching out to say hi only to hear "sorry I have a girlfriend now" would be the end of the world. That said, I don't feel like I can make any more overtures. I made attempt after attempt to apologize and reconcile before I decided that I had to have some self respect and stop chasing, and let her come to me. I don't think her posting on social media, which she can't even be sure I'm seeing, is a good faith attempt at reconnecting. And my fear is that if I were to take these posts as a green light to contact her, my texts will probably still be blocked and/or she'll get satisfaction knowing that I'm still pining for her, and will continue living her life, knowing that she has me in her back pocket. It's a catch-22, but I just don't see how I can reach out any more. 

The other dynamic I find interesting is that she spent months/years after our breakup telling her friends that I was evil, abusive even, and that she did nothing wrong. I've taken account of my mistakes, but I don't know where she is at with accounting for hers. In any case, I find it curious that she is posting pretty explicit "I miss my ex" songs after pushing the narrative for the first year+ of our breakup that I was satan.   

[Rowdy]

Yes I read your posts about re writing history.
It is odd, it does seem like a coping mechanism.

Not not entirely sure I have been painted black, as a few of my friends have said my wife hasn’t said a bad word about me to them, but she did or has said things to me that have come across that way and I couldn’t understand why.
Mine is a different situation to yours though as my wife monkey branched, and I believe she hasn’t painted me black to people, and hasn’t told me the truth about what happened so she has a chance to recycle back if it goes pear shaped.

She would come out with odd things. When she left me she would text me often, asking what I was doing. One time I told her that I was cooking stir fry for me and our son and she replied with “oh that’s nice you are trying new things” Now, I had cooked her stir fry hundreds of times when we were together, and she also tried claiming I never cooked.

Another time she sent me a picture of a car we once had that drove past her when she had come round my house to take our dogs for a walk. We had sold the car 5 years earlier. I told her that funnily enough I had spoken to my friend that day about that car and a trip we did in it with the roof down and we had a spitfire circling above us doing loop the loops. She replied with a comment that seemed strange, like it was a snippet of our past that she suddenly remembered when I mentioned it that had been erased from her memory.

Her sister also told me recently she has a lot of conversations with her where my wife is convinced she has said things that she never has which is confusing (she also did with me a lot) so I’m not really sure of the reality that actually exists in a pwbpd brain.