giving money

[leahs]

Hi,
My 23-year old son has BPD. We found this out about 6 months ago.
He's had two jobs in the past year and recently quit or lost his last one (he won't tell me what happened)
Now he has run out of money and asks me for money.
What is a kind way of telling him we don't want to give him money any more? - he needs to work for his money.
Plus, he has an alcohol (and probably drug) problem.
He is very sensitive (being BPD) and I don't want to alienate him.
I want to keep our relationship good.
He currently has stopped medication and therapy and I feel that our relationship is the only hope that one day he will resume. (Any advice on getting him to resume would also be very helpful.)
Your advice is much appreciated, thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello and a warm

You're among others who really understand the challenge of this question -- how much, or if, to support an adult child with BPD. This is not easy!

Just a few questions to help me get a feel for your situation:

How did your S23 get diagnosed (psychiatrist appointment? mental health crisis team? something else), and is he accepting of the diagnosis?

Is he currently living with you, or elsewhere?

Does he accept that he has a drug/alcohol problem, or is he in denial? Has he ever gone to rehab, attended AA...?

Did you financially support him while he was employed, or did you start recently (when he quit/lost last job)?

What does he spend money on?

Did he say why he is stopping therapy and meds (regardless of whether you agree with his reasons or not)?

...

It's hopeful to hear that you want to want to maintain a good relationship between you and S23  As you're probably well aware, maintaining effective and positive relationships with a pwBPD isn't always easy or intuitive... but it is possible. A good place to start on our site is our section of articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder, especially (even though S23 doesn't seem to want therapy right now) the article on Supporting a Child in Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder, which has some great "mindset adjustment" ideas, even ones that seem counterintutive.

When you have a moment, take a look at those, and I'd love to hear if anything really stood out to you.

[leahs]

Thank you!

Firstly, after I posted my post, my son told us he has his next job. So perhaps the issue of support is only temporary, but in my answers to your questions below, you'll see that even during his last job, he still asked for our financial support.

My son was diagnosed by his psychiatrist. (seen for depression originally)

In terms of whether he is accepting of his diagnosis - I don't know - we never discussed it with him. It's a bit sensitive, because he never told us about it, and he doesn't know that we spoke about it with his doctor, so we can't really bring it up. 

At the moment he is living with us.

He knows that he has an alcohol problem. His therapist (who he left) told him to go to AA but he did not. No rehab either.

With the last job, I couldn't wait till he got that job and we'd be able to stop supporting him. And then once he got paid, he had excuses why we should keep giving him money - that he had debts to pay. He asked my husband to support him for two more months and he agreed. (pay for cigarettes and weekends out). And then he left that job. He did use that last month's salary to support himself for a month, during which time he spent most days at friends' places, but it has just run out.

He said he's stopping therapy because he doesn't need it. We didn't discuss the meds. I think he also stopped therapy because he missed his appointment for the third time in a row, and felt so frustrated with himself and gave up. I wish I had reminded him an hour before the appointment, but now it's too late.

He's expressed that he 'wants his space' and after he left his job and stopped med, would 'wave us away' when we'd try to talk about something real.

Thanks for sharing those articles - they are great. Something that was new to me that was very interesting was not to compliment their progress too much. I wasn't sure, but it did seem that in the past, when I'd compliment him, he'd 'flip'. (Over like the past 5-7 years, he's had a pattern of being good/bad/good/bad every few months, with the good periods getting less and less good.) The psychiatrist said he might have bipolar.
He is not consistent with his psychiatrist appointments, which makes things more difficult.


Thank you for giving of your time!