How to help my 12yo son post-seperation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

2 months ago I was able to file for a temporary order of protection for myself and 2 boys (9 and 12) against my hudBPD (he is the boys dad). I had been working on finding a lawyer behind the scenes slowly, but he had a complete mental breakdown that landed him in a inpatient involuntary psych stay for 2.5 weeks, which allowed me to move up my timeline and serve him while he was admitted. He was out for 2 days and "had" to come to the house to get his stuff, even though I packed his VW Atlas with the large majority of his things. Being at the house triggered him and he went back for another 1 week of inpatient psych.

I was shocked, but relieved that both boys were extremely upset with their dad, glad about the separation/divorce, and wanted nothing to do with him. They know that courts may make them see him or talk to him at some point, but because he can't get himself together, has now asked for his 3rd extension on the temporary order of protection, so we don't go back to court until October.

My husBPD was mostly verbally and emotionally abusive with some physical things: strong ear tugs/pulling kids to their "mess" by their arms and spankings, but the physical things hadnt happened in a while more recently.

My younger son is open to therapy and his overall symptoms of anxiety/stress have mostly improved in the 2 months. He does stil not want to sleep alone, but I see gradual improvement with him.

My older son has been refusing to talk during therapy or even go to the last session and has mostly stopped doing what he loves (music and taekwondo), and has been extremely defiant. All he wants to do is be on his phone or PlayStation and I'm getting so much backlash for trying to enforce limits on tech time. He doesn't was not to know anything about what is going on with the court case or his dad. He won't respond to my mother in law, not because she's done anything wrong (to him) but because it reminds him too much of his dad. My mother in law is of course putting that blame on me and acting like I'm keeping her grandkids from her even though I've tried to explain how avoidant he is.
While trying to protest against rules I'm trying to enforce, I am getting so much gas lighting and manipulating (fear obligation , guilt) that you would swear I was talking to my husband again. My mom and aunt who have been helping me have seen it too. I know that my husband was the primary person he was exposed to, so it's normal for him to develop similar communication styles, but I really don't want him to endup with untreated mental health conditions like his dad. I also know some of this behavior is very typical for his age (12 going 15) and that tech time is a battle for most parents these days!

Has anyone else experienced this? Did it get better? Or any advise on how to get him to participate in counseling/face the reality of what his life has been?

Thank you!

[DogLoverMom]

2 months ago I was able to file for a temporary order of protection for myself and 2 boys (9 and 12) against my hudBPD (he is the boys dad). I had been working on finding a lawyer behind the scenes slowly, but he had a complete mental breakdown that landed him in a inpatient involuntary psych stay for 2.5 weeks, which allowed me to move up my timeline and serve him while he was admitted. He was out for 2 days and "had" to come to the house to get his stuff, even though I packed his VW Atlas with the large majority of his things. Being at the house triggered him and he went back for another 1 week of inpatient psych.

I was shocked, but relieved that both boys were extremely upset with their dad, glad about the separation/divorce, and wanted nothing to do with him. They know that courts may make them see him or talk to him at some point, but because he can't get himself together, has now asked for his 3rd extension on the temporary order of protection, so we don't go back to court until October.

My husBPD was mostly verbally and emotionally abusive with some physical things: strong ear tugs/pulling kids to their "mess" by their arms and spankings, but the physical things hadnt happened in a while more recently.

My younger son is open to therapy and his overall symptoms of anxiety/stress have mostly improved in the 2 months. He does stil not want to sleep alone, but I see gradual improvement with him.

My older son has been refusing to talk during therapy or even go to the last session and has mostly stopped doing what he loves (music and taekwondo), and has been extremely defiant. All he wants to do is be on his phone or PlayStation and I'm getting so much backlash for trying to enforce limits on tech time. He doesn't was not to know anything about what is going on with the court case or his dad. He won't respond to my mother in law, not because she's done anything wrong (to him) but because it reminds him too much of his dad. My mother in law is of course putting that blame on me and acting like I'm keeping her grandkids from her even though I've tried to explain how avoidant he is.
While trying to protest against rules I'm trying to enforce, I am getting so much gas lighting and manipulating (fear obligation , guilt) that you would swear I was talking to my husband again. My mom and aunt who have been helping me have seen it too. I know that my husband was the primary person he was exposed to, so it's normal for him to develop similar communication styles, but I really don't want him to endup with untreated mental health conditions like his dad. I also know some of this behavior is very typical for his age (12 going 15) and that tech time is a battle for most parents these days!

Has anyone else experienced this? Did it get better? Or any advise on how to get him to participate in counseling/face the reality of what his life has been?

Thank you!

[kells76]

My older son has been refusing to talk during therapy or even go to the last session and has mostly stopped doing what he loves (music and taekwondo), and has been extremely defiant. All he wants to do is be on his phone or PlayStation and I'm getting so much backlash for trying to enforce limits on tech time. He doesn't was not to know anything about what is going on with the court case or his dad...

Has anyone else experienced this? Did it get better? Or any advise on how to get him to participate in counseling/face the reality of what his life has been?

Some of that sounds normal under the circumstances (but still so challenging  )

He sounds pretty overwhelmed. It makes sense that he doesn't want to know about what's going on with the court case, it's just too much emotionally. Can you tell me some more about that --does he get updates about the case/his dad from the therapist, or from you, or from others, or is there some other way that he hears about it?

Not talking in therapy might give him a feeling of control in a very out of control situation. A therapist will likely understand that and work with that. Have you or the T shared with him that he is in charge of how much he talks in therapy -- that he gets to choose if he talks the whole time, or not at all (but -- he still needs to go and sit in the room)?

This will be a long process for him and it might help to see him going to T but not saying anything as him doing the best he can with the current resources he has... that is as good as he can do with "facing reality" and pushing for more too soon might backfire.

I've been in T with my current therapist for... 3 years, maybe? And there are still topics that are very, very hard for me to bring up, even though it's reality. Therapy is challenging... it probably won't look very linear for your S12.

Is the T open to doing PlayStation or phone games with him in sessions? Sounds off the wall, but I'm wondering if S12 may need a longer period of trustbuilding than S9? If he experiences a T connecting with him at his level, about his interests, and not pushing for "Talking About The Divorce", he may buy in to the process more, so that down the road he can open up.

Anyway, just bouncing some ideas around there.

Have both kids at least been going to sessions over the last few weeks (even if S12 isn't talking)?

[CC43]

Hi there,

My sister recently went through a protracted divorce from a highly dysfunctional, undiagnosed NPD husband.  They have three children aged 12, two girls and a boy.  The kids suffered from a long phase of sporadic visitation with dad--when he decided to show up.  He probably skipped at least half of scheduled visitation dates, by either being a no-show or by having some sort of lame excuse at the last minute.  When he managed to execute visitation, it was chaotic for the kids, and often abusive.  Mealtimes and bedtimes weren't respected, and his home was filthy, with rodent problems, bug problems and backed up plumbing.  The kids often went hungry because there was no edible food in the home.  The girls absolutely hated visitation, and they were "done" with their dad long ago.  Yet the boy was very conflicted.  Since he had unfettered access to screens while with his dad, visitation was fun for him.  But at the same time, he resented that his dad was dysfunctional.  And maybe because it was the same-sex parent, he lamented the loss of a normal, loving relationship.  His dad was verbally abusive, calling his son an idiot and his girls *hores.  Suffice it to say that after spending any time with dad, it took the kids at least a day to "recover."  I write all that to provide some context.

When the separation first occurred (a restraining order was obtained), my sister got the kids counselling.  She thought it helped at first, especially for the girls.  For example, the counselor gave them tips about how to identify "parentification" and how to respond when they encountered that situation.  Yet I think the counselling didn't work so well for the boy.  Basically the therapist had him play games during the sessions, and my sister thought the therapy didn't go anywhere, so she stopped the sessions.  Going forward, what she did was get therapy to address specific issues when they cropped up, for whichever kid seemed to be struggling.  (That would be evident by behavioral issues and performance issues at school.)  Typically the therapy would help a little, but when progress stopped, my sister stopped the sessions, as they were both expensive and disruptive to the daily routines.

As an aside, my sister did not allow the kids to have phones, and she cancelled internet and TV service in her house, because during Covid she was constantly fighting the kids over screen time, and worse, when they had screens, their sleep would be disrupted.  Once the phones and internet were taken away, the kids would do their online homework at the public library.  Of course at dad's house, they had plenty of screen time, which was viewed as a treat by the boy.  But I think the restriction on screen time was a great move by my sister.  When there aren't screens around, the kids do all sorts of other activities:  music, sports, crafts, reading, play dates, etc.  It's almost amazing how much creative play time there is when screens are absent.

Anyway, for the 12-year-old boy, I think the best therapy was engaging in activities with peers and strong male role models.  The cub scouts was a life saver for him.  When my sister moved homes, the kids were upset about losing some friends, but she reminded them how easily they made friends through school and all their activities--dance, sports, scouts, music, etc.  And these activities are generally available everywhere.  It's sad, but now that their exposure to their disordered dad has diminished drastically, the kids seem to be doing much better.