The flying monkeys are at it again!

[zachira]

Every year, I visit the community I was raised in. It is inevitable that there are more flying monkeys that have been recruited by my large extended family and sister with NPD. These are people I did not have any problems with last year, and now all of a sudden they want nothing to do with me. The dysfunctional family is of course offended that they been outed for who they are by my having gone low contact or no contact with most of them. Throughout my life, I have listened to my disordered family members obsessing constantly about the supposed faults of the scapegoats with the golden children constantly put on a pedestal.

It seems I can't be friendly with just everyone. I need to surround myself with people who have the integrity to judge people for themselves and not be so influenced by the smear campaign. I realize we are all a work in progress. I try very hard to have healthy boundaries with everyone while taking time to get to know people. Going too fast in establishing relationships seems to be the red flag for later disappointment. The green flag seems to be people who are overall calmly content most of the time, have empathy, and take their time to get to know me as well.

[TelHill]

Hi zachira,

I’m really sorry this is happening again. The bpd in my family (my brother and my disordered cousin) are super good at being calm, cool and collected while spreading rumors and innuendoes. It’s easy for those without a conscience!

It’s extremely painful when you’re in the middle of it and you have a conscience. It leads to me isolating myself and making my vacation less enjoyable.

I know you’ve grown in strength and setting good boundaries. Those things do get noticed by the disordered who double down on having you return to your old self. I know you won’t let them have the enjoyment of reacting and seeing you hurt.

What’s helped me is to ask these flying monkeys is everything ok? I make sure to have a genuine smile on my face and ask it in a neutral manner. Those with a conscience might snap out of it thinking there are two sides to every story. The person telling me this strange story is prone to exaggeration. That’s all I’ll say and refrain from questioning them with who told you this, you know they have a personality disorder, etc. I let it go and hope they will too.

They’ll probably not be exactly friendly going forward but just keep being your honest, kind self. It ain’t over til it’s over. They may come around in time. The disordered in your family do not have the last say.

If you have a tendency to feel shame like I do even when you did nothing wrong, I self-isolate as a result. I forced myself to get out of the house— to a cafe, beach, store. I’d say a warm hello to people I knew. Some were receptive while a few weren’t. I’d think at least a few people aren’t mad at me and I’d feel better. You might meet some new nice people.

My brother and cousin weren’t there during my trip but I think this would work if they were.

This shows self-compassion while showing compassion to flying monkeys to let them think what they want. It shows compassion to the disordered by respecting their point of view and minding your business. It may show them that not all flying monkeys obey. It may force the disordered to think about their dishonest actions and hopefully change.

[zachira]

Telhill,
I knew you would understand as your situation is similar to mine. My goal is to not let the disordered people and their flying monkeys rent so much space in my head. I am trying to do my best to be the decent kind person I have become and not to have expectations of changing other people, especially those with personality disorders and those easily manipulated into being flying monkeys.

I post about the flying monkeys because it hurts to be shunned or told I am the problem for no apparent reasons other than there are people in my family who hate me and will never let it go that I have mostly quietly held them responsible for their bad behaviors. I made the terrible mistake years ago of telling my sister's husband that he should divorce her. His mother was a narcissist like my sister, and he enabled her. It is so sad to see a man who is so generous to others be abused so badly in ways when any man who respects himself would have gotten a divorce if he could.

It helps to post and process about the latest flying monkeys so I can just move on. Yes, I feel more like self isolating and instead need to get out, meet nice people. I am too sheltered in a small community. The self isolation is also a challenge where I live most of the year because of how I have been let down by the family that was supposed to love me.

I have friends who would like to come stay with me in my summer cottage. I have terrible fears about the lies they would hear about me. At least, I have peace most of the year when I am in my regular home, because nobody mistreats me because they have been brain washed by the flying monkeys.

[zachira]

It seems the solution to being less bothered by the flying monkeys is to stop self isolating so much and make more effort to stay in touch with the friends I do have while being open to making new friends.

[TelHill]

It seems the solution to being less bothered by the flying monkeys is to stop self isolating so much and make more effort to stay in touch with the friends I do have while being open to making new friends.

The sun, fresh air and greenery seem like a salve to me to make their slurs not control my life so much. Stay home on the days you feel overwhelmed to regroup if you feel like it. Too much is too much on some days.

That’s a good idea to concentrate on those who know you and appreciate you for it.Having fun hobbies helps days be more pleasant.

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I post about the flying monkeys because it hurts to be shunned or told I am the problem for no apparent reasons other than there are people in my family who hate me and will never let it go that I have mostly quietly held them responsible for their bad behaviors. I made the terrible mistake years ago of telling my sister's husband that he should divorce her. His mother was a narcissist like my sister, and he enabled her. It is so sad to see a man who is so generous to others be abused so badly in ways when any man who respects himself would have gotten a divorce if he could.

It does hurt deeply. It’s a personal attack to be lied about and smeared. Some pwBPD enjoy creating chaos.  Like my brother, there was probably a long string of insults and lying from your sister which led you to feel sorry for your bil. We can’t erase actions we took in the past but we can go forward with NC or grey rocking disordered family and friends to protect our mental health.

 Even  if what you say is neutral or you’re setting boundaries, as long as they can find a plausible way to twist your words to escape their own internal shame and low self-esteem, they’ll do it.

I read The Scarlet Letter years ago and subplot stuck in my head. Spoiler alert if you don’t want to see it.





I’m pretty sure you know the story of a matried woman in Puritan Massachusetts in the 17th Century. She is caught having an affair. Her punishment is to wear a Scarlet A for Adulterer on the front of her dress for many years. She’s shunned by the community. She never fights it or raises her voice. She quietly does her work and has a pleasant demeanor.

There’s a visitor to the town a few years later who asks why she wears a red A on her chest. No one remembers. The consensus is the A must be for Able since she is so pleasant and hard-working. Townspeople start talking to her again.

[pipistrelle1987]

I’m pretty sure you know the story of a matried woman in Puritan Massachusetts in the 17th Century. She is caught having an affair. Her punishment is to wear a Scarlet A for Adulterer on the front of her dress for many years. She’s shunned by the community. She never fights it or raises her voice. She quietly does her work and has a pleasant demeanor.

There’s a visitor to the town a few years later who asks why she wears a red A on her chest. No one remembers. The consensus is the A must be for Able since she is so pleasant and hard-working. Townspeople start talking to her again.

I’ve not heard this before but I think so many of us can relate to this. I also find it helpful and validating to try and continue as we would regardless of the other persons behaviour (I know this is also tiring though as they continue their behaviour) but do we want to give so much power to them and I suppose that ties in with this fable, that she reclaimed her power by essentially resetting the meaning of the A by continuing as her usual good self and not allowing others to dictate their version of her story.

[Notwendy]

It's interesting to see the Scarlet Letter analogy because this is how I felt at BPD mother's funeral. I had no idea what the people in her circle thought about me. I was asked to say a few words and imagined standing up there with  scarlett "Bad Daughter" letters on.

Where I got a sense that maybe it wasn't all like that was speaking to the officiant about the plans for the ceremony. She picked up on my anxiety. She knew my mother better than I imagined and was supportive.

But like the analogy of the "A" being able, some people we think are flying monkeys might eventually see things differently. Some may not. We can't control that. Just keep being who you are. Understandable that we may always be wary of anyone who seemed to be a flying monkey.

[zachira]

One of the hard lessons of life is we cannot control other people or make them change. At the same time, we have to be careful about who we share our most vulnerable parts with. It can be truly surprising who does get what is really going on in our dysfunctional families, yet do not feel comfortable speaking up because of how what they say may be received or because of the taboo of criticizing another person's close family members, especially their mother. I find it helps to probe a little to find out how another person thinks before I share deep personal thoughts. There are not many people I feel safe sharing with and am grateful to have this community on BPD Family.

[Notwendy]

I think I will always be a bit wary of people who were in my mother's circle. I wouldn't share too much personal information with them.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I have to be very careful with people who know my family and especially my sister, as innocent information like when I am going to be here can be used to make my sister feel freer to smear me because I am not around. For several years now, she has desperately recruited people to find out my summer schedule, and I have refused to give them that information. I tell them I could be around at any time during the summer.

I don't invite my friends here who have no connection to my summer cottage, as we have good relationships and what they hear about me could damage our relationships.

Like you, I do not trust people who have been flying monkeys in the past. I am very careful about what information I share with them.

[TelHill]

Like you, I do not trust people who have been flying monkeys in the past. I am very careful about what information I share with them.

Notwendy and zachira,

Yes, this in 20 feet flashing neon letters. Smiling and saying good morning to these fm’s is the extent of my social interaction with them. How are your kids if they have any is good to add. Keep them talking so you don’t have to say much.

I go beyond fm status and listen if people have any information about me which I haven’t told them. I assume my brother is saying it. There’s no other way for them to know. That may be all the info they have or it may be the tip of the iceberg.

That’s happened to me and I put up a big wall knowing this may be a two-way street of communication all about me without my knowledge or participation.

I’m not paranoid. I have seen benign information about others twisted around into something embarrassing and untrue. That’s happened to me with shunning and stares. I do the polite info diet about my life (more like starvation plan).

It’s helped to have been in a competitive workplace with backstabbing coworkers all competing for promotions and bonuses. Professional, friendly and brief is the best way to survive the shark tank.

I have a large, nosy and gossiping extended family.  I don’t trust anyone there, besides my dad.  Like my dad would say about some relatives (never naming them) — hello and goodbye is enough. 

[zachira]

TelHill,
I too am perturbed about distorted information other people have about me that I did not provide. The less I disclose about myself the safer I am. I too make the conversation about them, asking about them and their family members, disclosing as little about myself as possible. I do at times correct some of the distortions, by saying something like: "That is not quite true." and leave it at that. Otherwise if I say nothing, it can seem like I agree with what they are saying. Other times, it is better not to respond, let them think what they think.

[zachira]

The more I think about dealing with flying monkeys the more I realize it is all about boundaries. My disordered family members and their flying monkeys have some of the worst boundaries of any people I know. I have caused myself endless heartache by having poor boundaries with the wrong people. My boundaries are improving and will always be something I have to work on.

[Notwendy]

I think we all will have to work on them. I was talking to one of my kids about a person who I thought was behaving oddly (not a relative or FM). My child responded "Mom, she was being rude".

The person wasn't being directly rude- that I would have noticed, but, this was more subtle. 

I felt a general sense of something "off" but it took me a while to process what happened and then I felt angry. I didn't do anything about that- it isn't a situation where I'd get that involved with the person.

I think one reason we may have difficulty recognizing when someone is being rude to us is that- this could have been the "normal" in our family- so we don't recognize it as quickly unless it's overtly obvious.

I did feel something was "off". I think we do have boundaries- but didn't know what to do about them in the situations we grew up in.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Exactly. We felt uncomfortable how we were treated by disordered family members and keep learning how to respond to these type of disordered behaviors with time and experience. Our body usually knows before our mind does that the behaviors we are experiencing are not normal. I was left in the crib all day as a baby. For most of my life, getting a massage was not enjoyable. I am now more in touch with my body so I get it more quickly that what I am feeling with this person, means I better be cautious in revealing anything about myself.

[TelHill]

For most of my life, getting a massage was not enjoyable. I am now more in touch with my body so I get it more quickly that what I am feeling with this person, means I better be cautious in revealing anything about myself.

I feel uncomfortable with massages too. I don’t like platonic hugs from acquaintances. I never equated it with feeling bodily “intuition” when a person’s actions feels off. It makes sense, zachira. I’ve numbed body sensations in the past. I’d feel uneasy but brushed it off. That’s where I got burned by someone.

The worst for me was getting tricked in a long-range con with regular interactions with the manipulator. I’ve lost money and time. I saw red flags of white lies and mild exaggeration at the start but ignored it. I gave the person the benefit of the doubt.

The other person getting enraged and going over the top with anger like my mom would clue me into dropping the person right away. That one’s easy.

The one’s that been a problem is the manipulator who displays a calm demeanor and surface-level kindness. They never get mad. A long time later, I’d hear passive-aggressive put downs and requests for money. I’d keep the friendship going but refuse to “lend” money and question the putdowns. I’d notice mutual acquaintances and friends giving me dirty looks for no reason known to me afterwards.

My dad saw a very old friend(90+) from his hometown through my FB feed. It was through an in-law I friended. I never met either of them and they live far away.

My dad wanted to call his friend(90+) so I messaged the in law giving them dad’s phone number. They called and the inlaw was impersonating my dad’s friend. I heard it.

The giveaway was they had no accent and couldn’t speak my dad’s first language. It’s impossible when you live in a foreign country up to your thirties. They spoke perfect English and didn’t sound old.

My dad shut it down immediately. He had no interest contacting them again ever. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. I started feeling weird about it the next day. I felt uneasy about it in my body. It felt like this inlaw might be up to no good. I was angry at them.

[TelHill]

I didn’t mean to go a bit off topic, zachira. My post should have been it’s own post.

I do want to add that the person calling my dad the other day pronounced the last name correctly. It’s a relative or maybe a caregiver. The in law had some inappropriate FB posts so it’s best to not contact them again.

Again, I appreciate knowing the connection between body touch and intuition.